Let Your Mercy Fall on Me
by Robicorn
Summary: What happens when bad girl Bella is forced to attend church when her newly saved mother forces her to go? What happens when the handsome Youth Pastor, Edward, catches Bella's eye? She puts into effect Operation Seduce Mr. Innocent. Will Edward fall from
1. Prologue

**Stephanie Meyer Owns Twilight/all characters **

**Major love goes to my Beta Jade - I could not do this without you!! You rock! There are a few others out there I need to thank for supporting me in writing this story...for now I will just call you my FF fangirls! **

**This is my first story EVER. This is just writing itself - I got it in my head and I can't get it out! **

**Prologue BPOV **

I cannot believe this shit. Fuck my life. Why do I say F M L? It is because my crazy hair brained mother Renee has apparently been saved. Yeah, you heard me - born again. All of a sudden, I have curfews, rules, and Mary mother of Jesus, I have to go to church.

Renee always went through these phases. Two years ago, it was some shit about Kabbalah, which I swear she only did because of Madonna. Last year was something about new age, incenses, and mediation bullshit. And now? Now it is about Jesus, her Lord and Savior. Oh, and apparently, everyone needs to be saved.

I really just want my hippy-dippy-meditating crazy ass mom back. You know, the mom who didn't question me stumbling into the house at three in the morning, the one who didn't really care what I was doing, who I was doing, and where I was doing it. As long as I kept my grades up and was not arrested, she didn't ask, and I didn't tell. However, those days are gone. Long fucking gone since Renee watched the movie, the Passion of the Christ.

I swear to God she wept as she saw Jesus' sweat and blood be spilled to forgive her sins, mine, and the rest of the world. It is all so simple. Believe, ask for forgiveness, invite Jesus into your heart, and all of life's problems will be solved and all your prayers will be answered. So now, my crazy hair brained mother is just another holy roller here in the small town of Winchester Indian - the Goddamn belt buckle of the Bible belt.

We moved to Winchester Indian last year, when Phil got traded to the minor league baseball team here. This state is more about Basketball though. You should see the turn out for high school basketball games. It is insane.

However, the thing is, I don't give a crap at all about any of that shit. I miss the "burbs". I miss not knowing everyone I walk past. Unlike where I used to live, I am a bit of an outcast here because all the kids belong to some sort of youth group. I mean, only in the Bible belt can the valedictorian be the head cheerleader, prom queen, and "thank God" in her speech.

I was lucky enough though to have found my "nitch" with the stoners. It is actually with them that I met my best friend, Jasper. From time to time, Jasper and I hook up. But he has never been, nor will he ever be my boyfriend, and I his girlfriend. It is more of a convenience than anything else. In such a small town, gossip spreads like fire. It spreads fast. That means if I ever make the mistake of sleeping with the wrong person, no doubt that shit will get around fast, and I really have no desire to be labeled a slut or easy.

Have I also mentioned how much I miss the convenience stores back home? Well, I do. I miss stores like Target and kohl's. I miss the stores I used to take advantage of, because here in Winchester, I only have Wal-Mart. And to get to a mall or anything that resembles to a suburb, you would need a 30-minute drive of nothing but farmland. I mean, really, you can't help but fall asleep here.

There are thirty-two churches in this town with the population of 5,250 people. Yet I am getting up because my mom wants to travel for thirty minutes to go to this big contemporary church. I've never been there, but I have driven past it. And I swear when you drive past it, the parking lot looks like it belongs to a mall. I have never set foot in a church before… and I mean never. Thus, I have no idea what to expect.

"Bella, honey! Rise and shine! Let's go and give God glory!" My mother's chipper tone interrupted my ramblings. She says the craziest shit sometimes, and I don't know whether I want to laugh or cry for her. I mean, "Praise the Lord" and "Hallelujah Praise Jesus" are sayings she spurts off at any given time. Her new answer for everything is to "Pray about it". All of a sudden, she is like some Joel Olsten fan girl. She even sends the 700 club $50 a month for them to pray for her to get out of debt. Sounds like a big scam to me, and of course Renee would fall for it. She swears it is working and her prayers are being answered. Go figure.

I was brought back to reality by my mother's chipper ramblings, and so I got ready with a scowl. I put on my converse sneakers, Mclovin T-Shirt, and tightest skinny jeans. I, for some reason, wanted to stand out. I wanted those churchy holy rollers to know I was not one of them.

"I'm ready… let's get this shit over with." I said as I approached Renee.

"Now Bella, don't be like that. Please be respectful there," she replied.

"Of course," I told her. I wouldn't do anything to embarrass myself. "I will suffer in silence, promise."

Phil draped his arm around Renee as we headed out to the car. I got in with a huff, and I prepared to endure two hours of torture in silence.

**Please Review and let me know if what you think...**


	2. Chapter 1 What a Wonderful Maker

**SM Owns Twilight I own Nothing**

**Jeremy Camp owns song Wonderful Maker**

**Jade worked this shit out for me and I owe her big for going on this crazy journey with me! **

Chapter 1: What A Wonderful Maker

BPOV

When we got in the car, I told my mom to swing by Jasper's to pick him up cause I really needed the support. Of course, he didn't agree to this trip easily. I had to beg…and promise a blowjob after - hey, whatever works, right?

"Jasper is coming! That is wonderful Bella! We need to spread God's word and love to as many people as we can. He is already answering prayers." My mother once again exclaimed in a cheerful voice.

"Well he hasn't answered my prayers," I mumbled. I didn't think I said it loud enough for her to hear, but of course she did.

She answered me back with a sympathetic tone. "Oh baby, of course he answers your prayers. You just don't always get the answers you are looking for." I guess she had a point. If there was a God, would he really answer my prayer to go back to the good ole' days of sin? I didn't think so either.

A couple of minutes later, we pulled into Jaspers driveway. His family lived in one of the less fortunate parts of town. It was all very hick town on his side of the tracks. He only lives with his dad, who for all intents and purposes is a pill-popping drunk. Jasper's mom, on the other hand, just packed up and left one day. She never called or visited Jasper after. He doesn't really remember anything about her. He was only three years old when she decided to leave.

His dad though, well he is really creepy, which is why I never go inside the house unless I can't avoid it. He has a hazardous job. He cuts woods at the local lumberyard. It is a very repetitive job and it's easy to get lost in your thoughts. That is how he lost his two fingers, and got addicted to pain killers. He never gets violent though. Therefore, in the words of Renee, we can thank God for that. Jasper just sucks it up as best he can. Once we became friends, Renee and I took better care of him. He is always welcome for dinner, and the couch is always available if he needs a place to crash.

As Phil honked the horn, Jasper came jogging out towards the car. And if I may say, he looked completely hot today. He was wearing a white button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and over it was a grey vest. He was also wearing my favorite dark jeans, which made his ass totally look good. And of course, he had his signature cowboy boots on. He opened the back door and gave me a crooked smile. I smiled innocently back at him to thank him for enduring the torture of going to the church with me.

My mother began to speak once again as Jasper got into the car. "Jasper I am so glad you are coming with us to hear the word." Phil just rolled his eyes as he heard what Renee said. Phil just went along for the ride. He didn't find it worth the time or effort to fight Renee over her new phase. It's easier to go with the flow when her mind is set.

"Renee, B, here wouldn't let me miss it," Jasper responded giving me a playful nudge. "She owes me for this," he added, wiggling an eyebrow at me.

Part of me wanted to say, "Yea mom, I had to promise Jasper fellatio in order for him to agree to this torture," but I chose to ignore this. The last thing I needed was a talk about saving myself for marriage. That talk was already a year too late for me. But heck, I hear there are born again virgins, not that I had any interest in becoming one. I enjoyed "O" way too much, to wait for God knows how long till I got married. Then what if he sucked? I would be stuck with bad sex or a fast divorce. I would like to test drive before I buy.

Renee continued to talk about Jesus' mercy, love, and forgiveness while Japer nodded and "hmmm-ed" along with her, making her feel like she was being a good Christian by spreading the word. She rambled on about what a wonderful maker he was, and how majestic his love is. How he made the world and saw that it was good, sending his only son to save us from darkness and despair. At one point, I actually thought Jasper might invite Jesus into his heart.

As I am waiting to reach our destination, I leaned my head up against the window while Jasper rubbed calming circles on my knee. We always showed a lot of affection towards each other. I'm sure we looked like the perfect couple to outsiders. He would hold my hand, kiss my forehead, and put his arms around me. We were the perfect couple, in a best friend type of way. He really knows how to calm my nerves, and I really know how to get him to let loose.

It was easy with Jasper. I had no desire of becoming some teenage boy's girlfriend. I fucking hate it when I see bitches like Jessica Stanley, following their "boyfriend of the week" around like some lost puppy. It is as if they can't fend for themselves or be their own person without some hormonal dip shit trying to get into their pants. With Jasper, I don't have to worry about all the politics that go along with high school relationships, and I get all the benefits. I know he would do anything for me, I know he would never screw me over, or talk about us in the locker room to impress his "boys". Jasper was very protective of me.

When I walked into school my sophomore year, I got caught up in so much high school gossip after I started dating James. James was a senior, and he told the whole school that he pretty much took my virginity. Well, thank God for Jasper.

Jasper is popular, by default. He is the best point guard that Winchester High School has ever had. They are undefeated, and it is a pretty sure shot that they will win state. Since Jasper is like some "Basketball God," people don't fuck with him. They pretty much kiss his white ass. When Jasper took me under his wing, he told everyone to shut the fuck up about me. They listened, of course. They know better than to mess with anything that Jasper cares about. Everyone just wants to be around him so they can be with the "hot shot b-ball star."

But I'm not the only one benefiting from our relationship. I help Jasper too. I also help him with all the skanks that try to sink their teeth into him. He isn't interested in screwing the basketball groupies. I can be a bitch. Shit, I am a bitch. So I fight the hoes off with a stick. Now Jasper hardly has to bother with those sluts. They know better. The only time it occurs is at parties and they are drunk. Drunk Bella plus drunk sluts equal to a BBD, a Bella beat down. You would think they would learn by now, but they are dumb.

Jasper is relying on basketball to get him out of this shit town. He needs a scholarship to accomplish this cause his dad pisses all his money away on drugs and boozes. His first choice is Duke, and maybe my mom can pray for that for him. Cause if anyone deserves a scholarship to Duke - it is Jasper fucking Hale.

As we pulled into the parking lot of Fountain City Church, I let out an exaggerated sigh. I turned to Jasper and said "F M L." He squeezed my knee before reaching for the handle of the door and exiting the car. I opened my car door hesitantly and stepped out, prepared to be bored to death. Jasper took my hand and dragged me forward towards the doors I had been dreading all week.

"Come on B, it won't be THAT bad. You can handle this," he said. One of the things I love most about Jasper is that he always knows the right things to say to calm my nerves. Well, usually anyway.

"Jasper, I don't WANT to handle this. I want to go home and sleep. I want to go back to last night before I had to be home at midnight and get trashed. I want Renee to stop jumping on fucking band wagons." I knew I sounded nuts saying all those things at once. I wasn't even sure if Jasper understood all of them. I tend to ramble a lot when I'm scared or in a panic mode.

"Hey! Watch your tongue child! We are about to enter the house of God." He yelled as he impersonated Renee's words and actions. I couldn't help but laugh over what he did. I was really grateful that he was here with me. Jasper's sarcasm always puts a smile on my face.

A man in a suit held the door and greeted us as we entered the sacred place. It was huge. It was nothing like I expected. The place was decorated in warm colors and very modern. There were all types of people. Old, young, dressed up, dressed down. My outfit didn't make me stand out at all actually. The space was open and there was even a café with pastry's, muffins, Orange Juice and Coffee. I peeked into the sanctuary and it was so far off from what I had pictured. There were no pews, and it was all seats. There was a massive stage with a huge projection screen. The stage had guitars, drums, and no room whatsoever for a choir. Did I mention I hate choirs? There were even three stations set up with video cameras, as if this shit would be broadcasted on TV. Little did I know - it was.

As I was examining the church and taking in my surrondings, I heard Jasper mumble in my ear. "Bella, I didn't get a chance to eat anything. Let's go get some shit to eat."

"Ok," I told Jasper as he pulled me out of the sanctuary. He draped his arm around my shoulder, and as I looked up at him, he kissed the top of my forehead. I smiled up at him before returning my gaze to the café. That is when I saw him. That the moment I sincerely thanked God that I let Renee drag me to church.

He was beautiful. I swear to God he looked like that tool from Twilight, only fucking happy, with green eyes and the sexiest fucking sex hair I have ever seen. He caught me staring and flashed me his huge smile, which seriously made me blush. I have not blushed since I lost my virginity. And to think that this God only smiled at me, and he already made me blush. He started to approach Jasper and I. As he got closer, I felt myself getting hot, and my palms getting clammy. I have never reacted this way over boys before. NEVER.

I didn't realize he was already standing right in front of us until I heard him speak. "Hey, I don't think I ever saw the two of you here before." I think my panties may have gotten a bit wet when I actually heard his voice. This man is a walking sex.

"You are right. This is our first ever church trip." Jasper responded.

God, where is my voice? Please dear lord, let me find the words to speak to this sex on legs. I silently prayed.

"Well it's really great to have you here. I'm Edward Cullen. I am the Worship Leader." Edward held out his hand and Jasper shook it first.

Jasper looked at me, knowing I was stunned fucking silent and crushing mad on the worship leader - whatever the fuck that is. Jasper so kindly kept the conversation going while I waited for the Lord to answer my prayer.

"It's nice to meet you. I'm Jasper and this is Bella." Jasper pushed me forward closer to Edward as he introduced me to him. I stumbled towards him, and realized that his face was only a few inches away from me when I regained my poise. As I looked back at him again, I couldn't help but be in awe of his looks. All I can say is "Oh. Dear. God." And I thought he looked sexy from where I was previously standing. This guy isn't human at all. How is it possible that a mere mortal can look like that?

I realized that I've remained silent long enough, that I looked like a complete idiotic moron standing in front of him. Ogling him was probably the better term to use for what I was doing. I couldn't help but blush once again, wondering what he must be thinking of me right now. But I knew I had to speak to him sooner or later. And so I mustered up all the guts I had in me and prayed to the lord almighty that I wouldn't mess this up.

I tried to wipe my clammy hand off on my jeans as I extended it to Edward saying, "Um… what the fuck is a worship leader?" After he let go of my hand, I realized I just cursed in church. So much for God answering my prayer. I clasped my hand over my mouth and apologized for my language. Surprisingly, he laughed and told me not to worry about it.

"I am the guy who leads all the songs and sings during the service. I am also the youth group leader, so I wanted to invite you guys to come check it out. We get together every Wednesday night at 7pm. We jam and it's pretty fun. It's here in the church's coffee house." He pointed towards the other end of the building, and lo and behold, there was a coffee house. "If you want I can show you guys around before the service starts? I got like 10 minutes."

"We'd love that" I responded a bit too enthusiastically. Jasper gave me a raised eyebrow look and mouthed "What the Fuck?" I shrugged and pulled Jasper closely behind Edward.

As we entered the coffee house, I noticed many girls, all of whom immediately flocked to Edward. He greeted them all nicely, introducing us to them as he ran his hands through his hair, trying to escape their flirty behavior. Afterward, he showed us the basketball hoops that were by another stage, and a room they used as a game room. It had pool tables and couches. It did actually look like the teens could have fun here, surprisingly. After the tour, we started to walk back to the church.

"So you two go to Winchester High?" Edward asked, directing his question at me.

I bit my lip, trying my best not to blush from his intense gaze, then responded to him, "ah yea, how do you know that?"

He shifted his stare at Jasper as he answered my question. "Jasper - you're the point guard right?"

"Yea, that would be me." Jasper answered. I should have known he followed high school basketball.

"Well I need to go and get ready to set up…Will I see you Wednesday night?" He looked at me sounding hopeful. I'm not sure if I was just seeing or imagining things, but it really looked as if he wanted to see me again.

"Definitely," I answered. Edward gave me that brilliant smile again and told us he looked forward to seeing us then. If he only knew how much I was looking forward to it too.

"B, if you expect me to come here again, I am going to need more than head," Jasper whispered in my ear as we headed back to Renee and Phil to take our seats. This wasn't turning out to be so much torture after all. If I have to come here and stare at Edward, I would do it happily for the rest of my life. I took my seat with a stupid ass grin as I waited for Edward to take the stage.

Thank you Jesus.

**Please Review!! Do you know anyone like Renee? I do - she is my mother! LOL! **


	3. Chapter 2 Beautiful One

BPOV

Watching Edward up on that stage was incredibly moving. He had so much conviction and so much passion singing up there. I realized that it was really hard to dislike him, or make fun of him for doing the same things my mom did because I could really tell he was genuine. As he was singing, some people raised their hands to show their praise, and others spoke out "Amen's". Sitting in that church with over nine hundred people, and to witness clearly how moved the people felt by the words he sang, sent chills up and down my spine. It was truly an amazing sight to behold.

I could hardly believe I found myself wanting Edward Cullen, the worship leader. I really couldn't fucking believe I was going to come back to church in a few days, and sit through a youth group meeting. Even more so, I couldn't believe I had once again agreed to endure the torture of having to sit here, and see people all around me, raise their hands up high and shout "Halleluiah, Praise you Lord Jesus!" Man, this is really going to make Renee much worse. She is seriously going to think that the Lord is saving me, when the truth is I just want to see if I can fuck the youth group leader. Shit, I wonder how innocent he is…

As everyone was singing, praising, raising their hands, and glorifying the Lord, I just stood there in my place with my arms crossed. I was too uncomfortable to sing along or do all the other stuff that these people were doing. It just wasn't my thing. I was trying my best to act invisible, but Jasper poked me, and pointed out a few holy rollers he found to be amusing. I told him to knock it off because he was drawing attention to us. Edward asked us to bow our heads and pray. But knowing Jasper, he thought it would be a good idea to squeeze my side. It fucking tickled and I let out a giggle. My blush instantly returned as I noticed heads turn in my direction. I dared to look at Edward who looked up with one eye opened and smirked at me. He shook his head and continued to thank the Lord. Renee whispered harshly at Jasper and I to behave, and we just rolled our eyes.

After the praise songs were done, we took our seats as the Pastor took the stage to give his message. He was really a good looking man. Geeze! What's with all the good looking men in this church? He had bright eyes, and blonde hair and he looked to be about my mom's age, but at the same time, he seemed much younger too. He was really nice to look at. No wonder there are a lot of women in here.

Jasper nudged my arm handing me a note. It read:

_You totally got the hot's for Holy Roller Edward – J_

_So what? He's fucking hot! I'd do him. - B_

Jasper read what I wrote and shook his head. We had an understanding that went along with being fuck buddies. If we wanted to hook up with someone else, it was okay. There would be no bitterness on either side. We just had to be open and honest about it. But the thing is, nothing like that has really ever happened before. Why? Well, for one thing,

there wasn't much to choose from at Winchester High. And most importantly, Jasper only has eyes for one girl and one girl only; Alice Brandon.

Alice Brandon is really my only girlfriend because I tend to get along better with guys. Alice was really nice to me when I first moved here. She is quite popular in this town. She is a perky cheerleader. She fits in with every crowd. A lot of people admire her, and ladies follow her everywhere. That is why I thought at first that she had a lot of friends. It turns out those people she hangs out with are more like acquaintances. She doesn't really feel close to many of them.

One day, Jasper finally admitted to me that he has liked her for as long as he can remember. We all hang out at school, but Alice isn't into all the trouble that Jazz and I get into. Thus, we don't get to spend a lot of time with her outside of school. Jasper says he hasn't asked her out because he doesn't feel like he is good enough for her. I tell him that's a load of crap. What he feels is fear of rejection. Jasper and I know we aren't ever going to be together-together, so we just have fun with each other.

Jasper handed me back the paper he wrote…

_So you're dragging me back here Wednesday night, huh? What's your game plan? - J_

_Hmmm… Game plan? I hadn't really thought of that. I guess I will start with flirting… - _

_B, all the girls here flirt with him. Shit, even the married ladies hang off his cock. He's way to straight edge for you. – J_

_We will see Jasper. I think I deserve to be with a good guy, don't you? - B_

_I just have no clue how you plan on seducing Mr. Innocent…We are still on for that fellatio later right? - B_

_Fuck Jasper, what are you gonna do once I seduce Mr. Innocent? What if you know, I want him to be like my boyfriend? - B_

_God Bella, I guess I will have to move on to like Alice Brandon or some shit. Don't you worry about me, okay? I can handle myself. But we did have a deal, so you owe me and I am collecting payment this afternoon. – J_

Funny that Jasper thought he could move on to Alice Brandon. Since she started sitting with us at lunch it's given him plenty of time to get to know her, flirt with her, and put the moves on her. But since this is Jasper we're talking about, he has yet to execute. She really is one tough chick, and one of the very few ladies _NOT_ hanging off Jaspers cock at Winchester High School. Who knows? Maybe that's what Jasper likes about her, the challenge. He is so confident and cocky with everyone but her. His basketball skills don't impress her. So instead of trying to date her and get rejected - he plays it safe with me.

We don't openly discuss our arrangement, I'm not certain as to how much Alice knows. She isn't stupid, and everyone else suspects it. Me and Jasper started being fuck buddies to avoid heartache, gossip, and for Jasper - rejection from Alice Brandon. I sighed writing my response to Jasper's payment.

_Jasper Hale, I always repay my debts. - B _

Jasper pulled me closer to him and kissed the side of my head. That's when I noticed Edward staring at us as he walked back on stage to do the closing song. His eyes looked darker, and I would even say he looked angry.

I pulled away from Jasper and whispered, "I don't think these types of people like PDA…even innocent PDA. Mr. Innocent was glaring at us."

"I think he maybe glaring because he is jealous B," Jasper whispered as he winked at me.

I just rolled my eyes at him, thinking how silly that was. "I doubt that Jasper." I figured someone like Edward Cullen could not possibly have a thing for me. At least, not yet anyway.

We stood once Edward started playing the last song. Once again, I couldn't help but be amazed at how astounding his voice sounded. I realized that I was way too engrossed at how magnificent he looked up there, that I didn't realize that he was looking at me too. I thought at first that it was all in my head, but it turns out that he was.

As he sang his song, his eyes never left me. I couldn't believe we were just staring at one another. The words to his song were actually more like a love song than a church worship song. It was like he was singing it to me, and I could barely move as he sung the words; as if I was the only one he saw in the sea of faces.

_Beautiful one I love_

_Beautiful one I adore_

_Beautiful one my soul must sing_

_Beautiful one I love you_

_Beautiful one I adore_

_Beautiful one my soul must sing_

_And you opened my eyes to wonders anew_

_You captured my heart with this love_

_Because nothing on earth is as beautiful as you_

I was entirely captivated by Edward singing up in that stage, until I noticed Jasper looking at me. Jasper looked at me, then he looked at Edward, and then back at me. The fucker was more perceptive then I give him credit for. I could see that he wanted to say something. He was smirking at me. It was the kind of smirk that says "I can see what's going on." But I glared right back at him. And it was my glare that said "shut the fuck up." Of course, he did. Jasper knows better than to mess with me because if he makes one wrong move, I might not give him that blow job later. In our relationship, I'm the one wearing the pants.

As Jasper kept silent, I realized that seducing Edward might be easier than I thought. I am not some delusional girl that believes in love at first sight. However, I do know when I see a man I want. All I know is that by the time the song was finished, I have never wanted a man more than I wanted Mr. Innocent Edward Cullen, and to think that I found him in the house of God. Maybe God loves me after all.

Praise the Lord.

EPOV

As I was singing "Beautiful One," I could not take my eyes off of Bella. I felt so attracted to her. I have never felt so attracted to anyone before in my life. Her big brown eyes looked like milk chocolate, they were so beautiful, that it made it hard for me to not look into them. I really don't know how to put into words how she looked. She was naturally the most beautiful girl I have ever laid my eyes on. She wasn't like the other girls. I could immediately see that she was different. She didn't look like she was trying hard to dress up or get the attention of other people in the room. She was her own person.

I realized I needed to pray about what to do regarding this matter. I obviously could not date a girl in high school. Most especially if she would be attending the youth group, I was in charge of. It was inappropriate, to say the least.

I'm not saying I have never kissed a girl or been out on dates before. I have kissed a girl or two and have been out on dates. However, none of them were ever serious. I've met all the girls I've previously dated through church organized events so it was all very innocent. Truth be told, none of the girls I've previously dated were initiated by me, except for one. The one girl I dated back in college couldn't really handle my commitment to God. As such, it didn't last more than three dates.

Because everyone knows that I am single and available, the mothers would flock to me after every church service as if I was the last piece of meat in the market. As they approach me, they would introduce their single daughters, and start rambling about their age, educational background, work background, and accomplishments. It was as if they were selling a product to me. I even heard that some mothers purposely force their daughters to break up with their boyfriends, so that they could have a chance to date me. I honestly found it creepy, but it wasn't like I could do something about it.

Some of the women I've had the pleasure of meeting were great. Some were okay. And others, let's just say it was my displeasure to meet them. But because I didn't want to offend anyone, I try my best be the gentleman I was raised to be. I can't say that I haven't thought about meeting the right woman and settling down in the future because I have. Unfortunately, it's just not God's will right now. And I guess, the truth was I never really had the time for a serious relationship. It is just not my main priority. My main priority is God and spreading his word through my music.

I grew up in Fountain City Indiana. The church has always welcomed me warmly. The majority of the people have been nothing but nice, caring, kind, and friendly to me, despite the scary things that the mothers do sometimes. I was really blessed to have been given the chance to be part of this community. And because of that, I am forever in debt to the kindness that Rev. Carlisle has shown me.

I owe everything I have and everything I am right now to Reverend Carlisle. Reverend. Carlisle is also my mentor, my friend, my brother, my spiritual advisor, and sometimes, even my father. God has really blessed my life by sending me Carlisle. Ever since the day I met him, he has shown me nothing but love, kindness, and understanding. He has been nothing but supportive of my decisions and has guided me in every step I have undertaken.

Just like Carlisle, the other people in town have also been very encouraging of my passion for music. I guess you could say they are my number one fan. This place is very dear to my heart. It is the place I learned how to play guitar and piano and the place where I wrote my first song. Here at church, is also the place where I first formed my band, and where I held my first concert.

Many people always told me that I could make a lot of money from my music. According to them, I had the talent, the charisma, and most importantly, the looks. All of which according to them are the necessary tools to be successful in the music business. The thing is, I never wanted any of that. I did not choose to become a singer because I wanted to be famous or make millions of dollars. I did it because I simply wanted to serve the Lord, glorify His name, and give Him back all the blessings that He has given me. That is how I came to start my band, known as, Gravity.

When I was sixteen-years-old, the church really started to grow. Before we knew it, we had over one hundred kids in our youth group, and they all loved listening to our band play. We mostly performed the songs I wrote, but we also covered popular Christian artists like Jeremy Camp, Switchfoot, and Lifehouse. Once I graduated from high school, the band was invited to play at several church camps and other churches as well. Other than that, we also did some tours during the summers, and I was also even lucky enough to record a CD and get playtime on Joy FM, the Christian radio station. I did all of that while I was attending college at Ball State for Christian Ministries.

After I finished college, the church immediately offered me a position to run the youth group. I find it really rewarding, and immediately accepted it. I enjoy being someone the teens can trust, look up to, and be available to give them advice whenever they needed some. It was always a great feeling whenever they accepted the Lord in their lives.

However, some of the teenagers are unfortunate and are living tough lives. We try our best to organize as many events as possible to help keep them out of trouble. Getting into trouble is easy in such a small town. There isn't much to do, so it's easy to get caught up with drinking, drugs, and sex. As such, we really encourage the kids and teens to bring their friends and just come hang out at the Coffee Shop. By hanging out at the there, we are able to supervise the activities that the kids and teens engage in, and more importantly, they are surrounded by the people of God.

It is a bit unsettling at times though because some of the teenage girls have crushes on me. Actually, I think even some of the mothers have crushes on me if I'm going to be really honest here. I have even heard rumors from a number of people that some of the mothers in the congregation, both married and single have formed a group in my honor. Some of my friends said that it's because I look a lot like the leading man from that vampire movie. I really don't know how much of it is true. I hope it's not true at all.

But my biggest problem of all is the teenage girls. Most of them are harmless, but sometimes they can become a bit too forward, and they tend to act inappropriately in front of me, even when we're inside the house of God. The last thing I want to do is lead them on, but there is such a fine line; I don't want to hurt their feelings.

I was brought back to reality from my own thoughts, when I realized that people were starting to leave one by one, and the place was becoming less crowded. I really wanted to see Bella once again before she left, so I decided to go and look for her. I know that I should know better than to go and look for her. I also know that the best and wisest thing to do right now while I sort my feelings out is to try to keep my distance. But I just can't help it. It's as if there is some invisible force drawing me to her. And so when I finally saw her and her family talking to Rev. Carlisle, I couldn't help but be pleased, and decided to approach them. Carlisle noticed I was approaching and he immediately smiled at me.

"Edward, come here," he shouted just loud enough for me to hear.

As I reached the small group, I stood beside Carlisle, and he began to introduce me to Bella's parents. "Edward, I'd like to introduce you to Renee and Phil Dwyer."

"Hello, I'm Edward. It's nice to have you here with us." I said as I extended my hand for them to take. I tried my best to sound polite as best as I could, and act like a perfect gentleman. After all, they were Bella's parents. I wanted to make a good impression.

Renee answered back, "It's also nice to meet you Edward. But please, call me Renee instead." She took my hand in hers, and shook it, a bit too enthusiastic if I may say. I shook Phil's hands next after Renee let go of my hand.

After we exchanged some smiles and nods, Renee started to speak again. "Your performance was very wonderful Edward. I've never heard of a voice as soulful as yours. I really felt God's presence all around the church because of you. I am truly thankful to God that we have such a wonderful musician as you, to lead us in our worship."

I always felt good hearing such words from the community. I like hearing such compliments and praises because I know I've done my mission; that is to serve God, and help proclaim his kingdom through my music.

"Thank you very much for those wonderful compliments, Renee. I am very glad that you enjoyed our performance. But even more so that you felt God's presence through our music." I said as I bowed my head to her, to show that I appreciated her kind words.

After I said my thanks to Renee, I placed my attention next on Bella and Jasper. "Bella and Jasper, it's nice to see you again."

Obviously, my question was both directed at Jasper and Bella. But it seems that gazing at Bella's stunning beauty has become an involuntary action of mine. It was becoming impossible to not look at her. And then I saw her blush. I noticed that Bella was blushing a little when I approached earlier, but I dismissed it. I thought that I was just seeing things. But now that I am a few inches away from her, I could see clearly that she is indeed blushing. Is it because of me? Did I make her blush? I am not blind. I've had too much experience and I am also old enough to know when teenage girls have a crush on me. But dear Jesus, I have never in my life seen anything look so captivating. That is exactly when I realized how hard it was going to be to have to try to stay away from Bella.

I realized I had probably been staring at her too long, and that it wasn't appropriate anymore. It was a good thing that Carlisle decided to say something.

"Edward, Renee was just saying how Bella was interested in volunteering here at the church. Do you have any suggestions?" Carlisle asked me.

"Well, we'll be hosting a pot luck dinner this month for the less fortunate, and I need some help with preparing the food. Can you cook Bella?" My question was obviously directed at Bella, but her mother didn't give her a chance to respond.

"Oh, Bella loves helping out in the kitchen! That sounds perfect for you, baby! Don't you think?" Renee answered in a chipper tone. If I didn't know any better, I'd think she was on drugs or something.

Bella bit her bottom lip then responded with a bit of sarcasm "Uhm… Yeah mom, it really sounds perfect. My prayers have been answered." That is when I got the impression that she really didn't want to volunteer, and she would just do it for the sake of her mother. Yeah, Bella has no desire to spend her afternoon in the church kitchen. I decided to try to save Bella from her misery, and offered her a chance to back out.

"Bella, it's really not that big of a deal. I can handle it by myself if you don't want to do it." I gave her a little wink, and I noticed Jasper roll his eyes at me.

But of course, once again, Renee decided to butt in and answered for Bella. "Oh nonsense, Edward! Bella will be there, just give us the details," Renee said slapping my arm.

I rubbed my arm and looked at Bella when she said, "It's fine Edward, I can help. It will look good on my college applications."

I must admit it felt like I was in heaven when her response meant that I would be able to see her again. I couldn't help but smile. I knew I probably looked like an eight-year-old boy, smiling as if I was looking at boobies for the first time. But I didn't care. I was too happy in the moment to care what anybody else was thinking.

"Well I can give you all the details on Wednesday night, if you want. You'll be here Wednesday, right?" I asked her sounding hopeful.

"Ah, yeah. Wednesday night. I wouldn't miss it," Bella said a bit flirty. I could see that she was very confident and I admired that about her.

"Great. Well it was nice meeting all of you." I said with a nod and walked away with a big smile, thanking God that I'd be able to see Bella again.

God is indeed good.


	4. Chapter 3 Opposite Way

CHAPTER 3 

Opposite Way 

BPOV

After church, we went straight back to our house. Jasper came home with us because he didn't feel like staying at his place for the day, so he was spending the night on the couch downstairs. When we reached the house, and mom and Phil decided to do some yard work for a little while. Jasper, and me on the other hand, decided to just stay inside and bum around on the couch. I was minding my own business, when I saw him stand up and begin unbuckling his belt in front of me.

"Jasper! What the fuck are you doing?!" I hissed at my best friend. 

He looked at me as he moved onto the buttons, and said,

"Swan, I am collecting what is owed to me, remember?" 

"Yes Jazz, I remember! But, Renee and Phil are right outside! They could walk in at any moment!" I told Jasper trying my best to keep it down. 

Next thing I heard was the zipper. "That's the point B. It's more fun that way." 

I realized it was pointless to argue with him so I just got down on my knees. What else could I do when he already whipped out his dick? 

"I guess you have a point. At least it will help you come a lot quicker," I said as I looked up at him from his lap.

He brought his hard cock out from his boxers, and I took it from him. I brought my mouth down while holding the base, and began to suck and lick it. I let my teeth gently graze his length a few times. Jasper let out a few grunts and placed his hands on my head. What an ass. He knows better than to try to move my head. I hate that shit. But I chose not to fuss about it, and I continued what I was doing. I swirled my tongue around the head of his penis while I pumped up and down.

"Fuck B," I heard him moan in response. I hummed a little cause I know he really liked the vibrations that travel through his dick. 

I licked and sucked the head of his cock while I worked my hand up and down. I felt Jasper start to tense and knew he was close. I took him as deep as I could, his dick hitting the back of my throat. I removed my hand from the base of his cock and grabbed a hold of his hips. I moved his dick in and out of my mouth faster as it continued to hit the back of my throat. After a few more seconds, he started pulsing in my mouth. 

"Shit, Bella. I'm gonna cum." As soon as he said it, I prepared for the warm liquid to shot into the back of my mouth. It wasn't the best thing I ever tasted, but it wasn't the worst either. It's easier to swallow. As long as you do it fast, you barely taste the shit. I had no desire to hold it in my mouth and spit it, or even have a mess of jizz to clean up. 

Jasper grunted as he held my head with his entire length still in my mouth. The warm liquid shot out and dripped down my throat, and I started swallowing and sucking it to get it down as quickly as possible. As soon as I was sure that I had swallowed all the cum, I pulled my mouth off his cock slowly, while continuing to suck the tip. I let go with a "pop". 

"Now give me your drink, I need to rinse that shit down," I demanded of Jasper as he handed me his glass of ice tea. I gulped down the drink, washing away the taste of his cock and his cum, while Jasper put his dick away. 

After putting the drink down on the table, he pulled me into a hug and I rested my head on his chest. "Thanks B. You never disappoint." He said, whispering close to my ear, and kissing my forehead. 

"So glad I could return the favor." I told him honestly, because it doesn't really bother me. A few minutes after, I settled into Jasper's arms and dozed off. 

*****

Later that same day, Jasper and I decided to let loose a little after being all proper and well behaved in church. We were the only ones awake in the house. Renee and Phil finished working on the yard quite late and, they decided to go to bed immediately. The situation at hand gave us the perfect opportunity to break out a bottle of vodka, which I hid in my room a few days ago. 

"Well, thank God she went to bed early. You're gonna stay over tonight, right Jazz?" I asked my best friend as I poured two shots. I preferred my buzz to come quick, hence the shots. I really can't stand the taste of alcohol, even when mixed. I compare it to my reason for swallowing, "just get it over with." Therefore, I do shots. 

"Yeah, I have no desire to go home," Jasper told me. 

As he took one of the shots, he raised his glass and asked me, "so B, what are we drinking to?"

"Hmmm… How about to hot youth group leaders?" I asked, raising my shot glass.

"You drink to hot youth group leaders, and I'll drink to blow jobs." Jasper tapped his shot glass against mine, and we threw them back. 

A few shots later, I was feeling really relaxed and flirty, so I decided to straddle Jasper on the couch. I started playing with his blond hair twisting and twirling it in my fingers seductively. 

"Bella, your tits are right in front of my face," Jasper pointed out the obvious. 

"So?" I responded simply. 

He just sighed and accepted the fact that I wasn't going to move. He placed his hands on my hips and leaned back against the couch. I started to think about Edward, for like the hundredth time that day. I started to think about what it is exactly that I wanted from him. I started to think that I might actually like him as my boyfriend. And it's not just even for the sake of having a boyfriend like most girls my age, because I certainly don't feel the need for one. It's just simply because of Edward. It's because of how he makes me feel in his presence. He automatically makes me want to smile. He seems like he could take care of me. 

Thinking about Edward as my boyfriend made me realize how much things would change with me and Jasper. As I was straddling Jaspers lap, I thought that if there was the slightest chance that Edward were to become my boyfriend, then he would definitely NOT be okay with this. He would definitely not be okay with the way I was sitting on my best friend currently. I wasn't straddling Jasper to initiate sex or anything. It wasn't as if he was hard beneath me. It is just the way we are. The way we have always been. 

If Edward were to become my boyfriend, would he have a problem if Jasper kissed the top of my head or put his arms around me? Would Jasper be offended if I would have to ask him to stop doing things that were like second nature to us? It was all very innocent, but not innocent at all. I wouldn't want Edward doing the same things with another girl either, no matter how innocent it was.

"What are you thinking about?" Jasper asked me, bringing me out of thoughts. 

"I was thinking about having a boyfriend," I told him honestly. There was no point keeping secrets from him. Jasper knows me better than my own mother does. He probably even knows me better than I know myself most of the time.

"Who? Edward?" Jasper teased me poking my side playfully. 

"Well, Duh… I don't know Jazz. I can't stop thinking about him. I think I could see having a relationship with him. I don't want him to be just another fling, you know? I know we've just met, and call me crazy, but I think I want the real thing with him. But, then I start to think what that would mean for us," I sighed as I finished my rant. I know I said that the telling Jasper the truth is always the best idea, but that doesn't mean it's not hard. He was my best friend and the closest thing I have to a brother. I can't imagine my life without him.

"Well, I don't think your boyfriend would appreciate you giving another guy a head. So I guess I would have to stop asking you for blow jobs to start," he stated playfully, giving me a wink.

"Fuck Jasper, that's kinda a gimme! I mean, right now just sitting on your lap doesn't seem right at all! Even though it's innocent between us and even natural to us, I can't imagine any boyfriend or even a girlfriend being okay with it. I mean, would you be okay with it if you saw Alice sitting on another guy's lap?" I looked straight at him, and knew that I didn't need to ask him twice or hear his answer out loud. I already saw the answer that was quite evident in his face.

I continued, "I don't even know why I am thinking like this. I mean, seriously. I highly doubt that Edward would even consider being with me or whatever." I shook my head and looked down. 

Jasper broke the silence a few seconds later. He lifted my chin, and looked at me in the eyes. "Bella, he would be crazy not to consider being with you. And if by some miracle God blesses you with a boyfriend, I am not going anywhere. Just because we stop being fuck buddies, doesn't mean we stop being buddies. You are my best friend, no matter what happens. So you follow whatever path makes you happy, because at the end of the day, that's all that matters to me. What makes me happy is being your friend, the sex is just bonus," Jasper said as he gave me a sincere smile. 

My heart was overwhelmed by his speech. He was right. I realized then that whatever happens, he would always be in my life. And I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.

I stumbled off his lap pouring us two more shots. "I'll drink to that Jasper!" I raised my glass and threw the shot down. With each shot I took, they went down smoother and smoother. After a few more shots, I decided that I'd had enough. I said goodnight to Jasper, and went upstairs to my room. Jasper, on the other hand, spent the night on the couch.

*****

I woke up the next morning with a pounding headache and felt like throwing up. But it was not a huge problem because I haven't thrown up from drinking in a while. I knew how to handle hangovers. 

As I got up, I rubbed my eyes and stumbled out my door, bumping into my mom in the hall. It seemed like she was getting ready to leave. 

"Good morning baby!" Renee greeted me. "You better hurry up or you are going to be late for school. I have a bible study to attend to with some of the ladies so I am leaving now." 

"Alright mom," I mumbled as I pushed my way into the bathroom not bothering anymore to walk her out. I took a shower and got ready for school just as I was told. I threw on my jeans, and pulled on a purple and grey-checkered button down shirt. When I looked decent enough or as decent as could be, I headed downstairs to find Jasper. I knew he would have the fix I needed to get me through the school day. 

"Jazz," I called. He was sitting on the couch pulling on his boots. 

"You look like shit," Jasper stated the obvious as he tossed me his bottle of water. I chugged it down.

"Thanks. Come out back with me," I grabbed Jasper's arm and lead him to my back porch. The pot always made my stomach feel better so that's what I decided to do. I packed my bowl and took a hit. I held the smoke in my lungs, feeling a slight burning in my ears. I passed the bowl to Jasper, and we took a few more hits. I put the bowl back in my hiding spot to make sure that Renee wouldn't find it. The last thing I needed to hear was her preaching about how my body was a gift from God, and that I should take care of it, and not desecrate it, God I hoped she never saw my tattoo. 

Jasper and I went straight to the kitchen, and settled to eat some toast. 

"Feeling Better?" Jasper asked me in between bites. 

"Not really. I am just so tired. I can't afford to fall asleep in history today. I really have no clue what's going on in that class. The last thing I need is Renee getting on my case if my grades start to slip." I must've sounded like a whining baby. But, I could really see myself sitting in history, jerking my head up every few seconds from nodding off. And that is definitely not good. 

"I got just the thing for you, B," Jasper said, handing me a little orange pill. We call this the "Poor Man's Coke." I do not do it just because I could not afford cocaine. I really have no desire to do cocaine, and the ADD meds just don't seem as bad. Adderall is basically prescription amphetamine. I knew the pills well and Jasper got the good ones, twenty milligrams. I only ever bought the oranges, blues were too weak. I normally just swallow them. But on a morning like this, I can't afford to wait for it to take effect. 

Jasper handed me a quarter and a pill. I placed the pill on the kitchen table, and used the quarter to crush it. I took the blue powder and placed it in a line. I really hated snorting the shit, but girls gotta do what a girl's gotta do. I rolled a dollar bill and stuck it up my nose. I held one nostril closed and inhaled the poor quality speed (not that I know good quality speed at all). It burned a little and it dripped down the back of my throat. I could taste it on the back of my tongue. I stood up straight sniffing hard to get it all to go down. I hated the "drips". 

"Thanks Jazz. Do you have anymore? I will probably need another lift around lunch." Jasper sighed, handling me another pill. 

"You're the best Jasper!" I exclaimed as I stood on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek. 

We left for school a few minutes after, and I really hated how talkative I'd become because of the adderall. I had done nothing but talk, talk, and talk the entire ride to school. It was one of the disadvantages of using it that bugged me. But let's face it, I really needed the boost, and coffee can never give me the boost I needed like adderall could. 

School as usual was boring. I was desperately fighting the urge to go and meet up with Jasper, and just cut class the rest of the day. I decided in the end it was a bad idea. As hours passed, I couldn't wait for it to be lunch already. When I heard the lunch bell ringing, I instantly stood up, took my things, and rushed out of the classroom. I didn't even bother listening to the teachers last words.

Before I went to lunch, I popped another pill, and so I didn't bother eating anything because I had no appetite when I took that shit. As I went inside the cafeteria, I saw Jasper and Alice sitting at our usual lunch table, and walked over to them. Sometimes other people joined us, but most of the time it was just us, which I prefer way more.

As I took my seat next to Alice, she asked me, eyeing me curiously. "Not eating today Bella?" 

One thing about Alice is that she knows almost everything. As to how she comes to know such things, I have no idea. It actually freaks me out sometimes. For one, I never really told her about my habit of taking adderall, but somewhere along the way, she figured it out. She never really liked the idea of me using it or any other shit, and she had voiced that out perfectly clear a couple of times. She knows that when I don't eat, it was only because of one thing – adderall. I just chose to ignore her because as much as I love her, I honestly hate it when she gets all judgmental about it. 

Jasper obviously sensed that I was pissed off, so he quickly changed the subject. 

"So B, did you tell Alice about Edward?" he deflected. Knowing Alice of course, that will obviously catch her attention.

"NO!" Alice exclaimed as her eyes widened. "Who is Edward!?" She looked at me expectantly.

Jasper did not give me the chance to respond because he decided to take the initiative of filling Alice in with all the details of my encounter with Edward. They continued the conversation as if I wasn't even there. 

"Edward is the youth group and worship leader over at Fountain City Church," Jasper stated. 

"Wait, did you say Edward? As in Edward Cullen?" Alice questioned. I immediately got curious as to what she knew about him. 

"Yeah, that would be him. How do you know him Alice? You don't go to that church, right?" Jasper inquired.

Alice grew up here, and was like everyone else. She went to church every Sunday, attended youth groups, and even went to Christian summer camps. She wasn't a "goody two shoes." She doesn't drink frequently, but that doesn't mean she doesn't drink. She knows how to have a good time, but she also knows how to put on the good Christian girl act when she needs to. And to be completely honest, I don't think it's just an act. I believe that she believes too, just like Edward. She just doesn't push it or flaunt it, unlike my mother. She genuinely wants to be a good person. In fact, I honestly think that if Jasper and I didn't smoke, drink, and pop adderall most of the time, I think the three of us would be inseparable. Unfortunately, Alice doesn't feel comfortable doing any of that shit, and I understand. 

Alice finally spoke up to answer Jasper's question.

"Bella, seriously, Edward Cullen is kinda a big deal. I would even say he is well known amongst the Christian Community, both here and outside of town. You are one of the many sixteen-year-old girls who have a huge crush on him. I don't go to that church, but I know him because his band played at the summer camp I went to the last two summers. Many of the girls there even turned out like groupies because they went all crazy over him. He tours all over. Not that I expect you to know who these bands are, but he even opened shows last summer for like Kutless and 10th Avenue North. I mean, they play his songs on the radio. In fact, if you want, you could Google him Bella. He has a website, and you could totally facebook stalk him!" She finished, yelling the last part.

I knew that Alice said quite a lot of information about Edward in just a number of seconds. But I think the one piece of information that really stuck in my mind, was that I could get to facebook stalk him. That didn't sound like a bad idea. 

I decided to act uninterested, and pretended that he didn't mean as much as he actually did to me. "Really, Alice? Facebook stalk him? Please! There is no denying that he is sex on legs, but I have no desire to become an Edward Cullen fan girl." 

"Whatever you say Bella," Alice replied, clearly not believing a single word I said. "But just so you know, you have like a zero chance of hooking up with him. You wanna know why? Well, for one thing, you're a sixteen-year-old high school student, and he is a twenty-two-year-old college graduate. I have never heard Edward date a girl our age. Hell I've never even heard Edward date someone serious at all! I have heard rumors that he has gone out with a few ladies from the church before, but I never heard of him having a girlfriend. Edward Cullen is a man of God. And do you know what the means? It means that in his life, God always comes first, and girls or having a relationship only comes second, probably even last. So I hate to break it to you my friend, but being his fan girl is as good as it's gonna get." Alice stated knowingly. 

Was she right? Do I have absolutely zero chance with Edward? 

As I was pondered what Alice told me, I heard her speak again. "Anyway, isn't he kinda straight edge for you? He doesn't really seem like your type."

"He's fuckhot! Of course he is my type!" I said as I started bouncing my leg up and down, as the drug took effect. Alice gave me a pointed look, and I just rolled my eyes at her. I didn't really mind her acting all motherly towards me before. But ever since Renee became a holy roller, and started acting like a mother for the first time ever, being all caring, loving, and all that shit, I needed Alice to back off of that kick. I don't really need two mothers. I need Alice to be more of a friend.

"Bella, you really gotta stop doing that shit. It looks like you're going to chew through your lip!" Alice pointed out. Huh, I didn't even notice that I was biting my bottom lip. 

Jasper handed me a piece of gum, knowing that I needed to keep my mouth busy. Alice must have read my mind because she decided to drop the subject for now. Lunch ended soon afterward, and I said my goodbye to Alice, since unlike Jasper, I won't probably be seeing her again after classes ended.

*****

After school, I met with Jasper at the parking lot, and we went directly to his house. His dad worked the three to eleven shift, and I felt trapped at my own house with Renee's never ending talk about God, so I just told her we would be there for dinner. Knowing that she just had her bible study, I could only imagine how much dinner was going to suck with her tonight. She tends to talk a whole lot more about how God is all good, loving, and forgiving, every time she comes home from her bible study. If only I could be deaf just for two hours, I would greatly appreciate that. 

"Wanna smoke?" Jasper asked me. 

I shrugged, "Sure. Why the hell not?" 

Jasper and I sat on his bed while getting really stoned. One of the things I love about Jasper is that whenever he smokes, he gets all emo, thoughtful, and starts talking about shit out of nowhere. 

"I got to get out of here Bella. I can't stand this place." Jasper uttered, pain evident in his voice. 

Jasper has always wanted to get out of this place, as long as I have known him, that is what he talked about. He has always wanted more than this town, and more from life.

"I know you will Jasper. I have faith in you," I assured him. 

I do have faith in Jasper. I could see him, touch him, and feel him. It's easy to have faith in what's right in front of you. 

"I tell myself it will be all okay, but it's really crippling here. It's always the same people, and same shit. Nothing ever changes here. The last thing I want to do is to work in some factory and become like my dad. I need to find a way to escape. I need to run the opposite way." I almost didn't hear the last part because his voice started to break. 

I felt so sorry for him. He was a strong man and yet he was so broken at the same time. Nothing pains me more than to see Jasper upset. He didn't deserve to feel so shitty about his life. It's like, he was locked up in a cage, trying to find an escape, but failing. I desperately wanted him to find his way out, to tell him it was all going to be okay. He doesn't deserve this shit. He deserved much more.

I finally decided to break the silence, and spoke up, "Hey," I waited for him to look me in the eyes. When he finally did, I said with much certainty, "I will miss the shit out of you when you go to Duke." 

I know that he will get the scholarship. He deserves it. Of the few things I believe in, one of them is that things will always work out for people who work hard for what they want. And Jasper has worked more than enough for what he wants. So I never say, "IF you go to Duke," when it came to giving Jasper the hope he so desperately needed. I KNOW that he will go to Duke. If there was one thing I would ever have faith in, it would be Jasper.

But knowing how kind and unselfish Jasper's heart is, I also know that he was worried about me. We haven't seriously discussed it, but he would often joke about the idea of me going to Duke with him. I know that it wasn't a joke. I know he really wants me to consider it because he is worried of what might happen to me once he leaves. I am even hundred percent certain that if I give him the slightest inkling that I would get upset when he is finally accepted to Duke, he would drop everything in a heartbeat and stay with me. He would rather choose to stay in this suffocating town and be with me, than chase his dreams. 

I cannot let that happen. I WILL NOT let that happen. 

So I crawled over to him, closed the small gap between us, took his face in my hands, and told him with all honesty, "But I also know that we are on different paths, and it's okay to run the opposite way. I will be okay." 

Jasper seemed confused for a moment about what I said, but then clarity dawned on him. He understood what I meant. I have no intention of keeping him close to this town or to me for my comfort. 

At this point, I will most probably just end up going to a community college or at Indiana University East. I wasn't even sure what I wanted to do, but I knew I still had plenty of time to figure that out. 

Figure out who I was, and what direction I wanted to run. 


	5. Chapter 4 I Still Believe

**Stephanie Meyers owns Twilight - I own a crappy chevy**

**Again Jeremy Camp owns I Still Believe **

**Jade did the beta - and she owned it again! Its all EPOV and I had a hard time finding out what was going on in his pretty little head! Plus he's not as funny as Bella - I think Jade helped me do him justice and I hope you all understand Edward a bit better after this! **

**Thank you all who put this story on alert! It really does stunn me! Must thank my Fanfic group of girls! Love Ya! Come Join us on our Facebook group TFA - Twilight Fanfiction Anonymous - Link on my Profile - This week Emancipation Proclamation is OWNING our email discussions - Link also on my profile! **

Chapter 4: I Still Believe

EPOV

I walked into the church on Monday morning to get ready for a meeting I had with my band manager, Emmett. Emmett's a really big guy, and you can't help but get scared of him at first, because he reminds you of a giant grizzly bear. Even I got scared of him the first time I met him. But once I got to know him, he's actually so much different from what I expected. He is very playful and, I swear, sometimes I think he's a ten year old kid trapped in a twenty-two year old man's body.

Emmet and I are both the same age, and he is also from around town. We actually met first in high school, and I talked to him a few times then. But since we were from different cliques, we never really got close until we went off to college. Both of us went to Ball State for Christian Ministries, so I saw him almost every day. In college, he also met and started dating Rosalie Hale, daughter of Rev. Carlisle. They got married right after graduation, and they've been inseparable ever since.

Emmett is my best friend and we are partners when it comes to the band. I trust him, and I know that he always has my best interest at heart. Most importantly, I know that we were both doing it for the right reasons and that is, to proclaim the word of God through my music.

A little over two years ago, we released our first ever self titled CD, in which I wrote all the songs. It took awhile for the CD to get any type of recognition. We had to do a lot of shows, a lot of traveling, and most especially a lot of praying. As always, God didn't disappoint me, and he answered my prayers eventually. Two of my songs have been on the Christian radio station within the last six months. So while the CD was still maybe new to some people, it wasn't to us. In fact, several music producers have already requested us to write new songs and make another album, and I honestly couldn't wait to do it. Unfortunately, the thing is I don't have the inspiration right now to write new songs for another album. It's not like I could just write whatever words pop inside my head, and put a melody in it. I wanted it to mean something to me, and to the people who would listen to it.

Emmett and I meet every Monday mornings to discuss shows and opportunities for Gravity. I was dreading the idea of having to tell him that another week has gone by without me writing a single song. I knew once I told him, he would kneel and say a prayer on the spot for my inspiration to come.

As soon as my meeting with Emmett was done, I met with Rev. Carlisle next. I always meet with him so he provide me with a copy of his sermon for the following Sunday, so I could pick songs that would compliment his message. The songs I pick are very crucial for the service. It really helps the people get into the mood of worshiping God. I believe that worship is loving God, connecting with God, and giving God thanks for who He is, and what He has done for us.

It was also the beginning of November so we started to discuss the Christmas Concert we hold every year. I really needed to find a good female vocalist for a few songs we would play. I always look forward for the Christmas Concert because I get to play the piano, and I don't have to sing every song. Other people from our community participate too, by dancing, singing, or displaying any other talent they have. It is always a night of pure fun by glorifying and praising Jesus' name.

Later in the afternoon, after my meeting with Rev. Carlisle ended, I went and sat down at the Coffee Bar, hoping I could find something inspiring to talk about to the teens on Wednesday night. I didn't have an office, so I preferred to work in the Coffee House instead. It's not like anyone was here when there were no activities going on for the Youth Group. I just liked to sit and work on my messages. The place was also more laid back, and the teens felt more comfortable talking to me here because of the "homey" feeling in it. I could imagine them being less likely to open up to me if I was sitting in a chair behind a desk. It's important that I look approachable.

Technically, I was doing the jobs of two people in the church. But I don't complain because I love doing it, and I am very passionate about both. Besides, I have a part time assistant that did all the "dirty" work for me, so to speak. She makes sure that the music for Sundays is always copied, and ready for the other band members. She also helps organize Youth Group events. I'm really thankful to God for how a huge help she is. Her name is Angela, and she is a college student, and one of the few girls that didn't flirt with me. She was committed to her boyfriend Ben, and God.

While I was sitting in the coffee bar, I was really trying my best to focus on doing my inspirational message for Wednesday. Unfortunately, there was no such luck. I couldn't keep my thoughts on task for very long, before my mind would wonder off to the thought of seeing Bella again. Around four o'clock in the afternoon, I decided I wasn't getting anything much done, and headed home.

I couldn't get Bella off my mind. And as much as I hate to admit it, I was having inappropriate thoughts and feelings about her. I knew it was normal to have sexual thoughts and fantasies about women. Don't get me wrong, I am only a man so it's not like I haven't had them before. But what was not right at all, is that I was having these thoughts about a sixteen year old girl. I have these thoughts about me holding her hand and pulling her into my lap, among other things. I was pretty sure that Jasper was her boyfriend seeing how close and intimate they were at the church last Sunday. But for some reason, I didn't really care. A boyfriend was the least of my obstacles when it came to Bella.

I felt completely torn. I felt like ripping my hair out because I was so frustrated with myself. I really needed someone to talk to about it, and normally I would turn to Rev. Carlisle. However, I couldn't do that for obvious reasons.

After much consideration, I decided to talk to my mom instead about my feelings and internal struggles. I have always told my mom everything, and I don't keep things from her. It has always been the two of us for as long as I could remember.

My mom left my dad when she found out she was pregnant with me, and he never really looked for her when she left. She came to Indiana where she got help from her aunt Elizabeth whom I call, Libby. I would say that Libby not only saved her life, but also mine as well. She supported my mom during her pregnancy, and even after the day I was born. She had such a kind-hearted soul, that she even encouraged my mom to attend nursing school which has always been mom's dream. My mother was never able to attend college because she married my dad at such a very young age. For that reason, she was really grateful for all the assistance that Libby has shown her.

As for my mother, after all the hard work and countless sleepless nights, she finally got her nursing degree. She decided to pursue higher education, and so she is now holding a master in nursing. She is now officially a Nurse Practitioner and one of the best in her field.

Of the many things that I am thankful to God for, my mother is most definitely one of them. Aside from Rev. Carlisle, she is the most amazing person I know. She is loving, caring, kind, forgiving, accepting, and the list goes on. She has always been there for me through all the good times and bad times of my life. She has always supported me in all the decisions I have made. She never once judged me or rebuked me for the mistakes I've made in the past. I know for a fact that my mother loves me unconditionally. And now that I am about to talk to her, the most I could hope for was to not disappoint her.

I approached her quietly, and sat down on the couch with her while she was finishing up on some paper work from her day at the hospital.

"Mom, can I talk to you?" I spoke softly.

She removed her reading glasses, looked up at me, and said, "Of course Edward. You know you can always talk to me. What is it? Is everything alright?"

I ran my hand through my hair, and braced myself to tell my mom about the feelings I was having for essentially one of my students.

"It's about a girl," I looked at her to gauge her reaction. She smiled at me so I figured I better continue before she got too excited.

"I met her at church last Sunday, and she's new to the church. She is incredibly beautiful mom. She's very fair-skinned, with long, straight, dark brown hair and deep chocolate brown eyes. She seems really confident, and I would even say she's feisty. She is like a breath of fresh air. She's definitely the most beautiful, captivating, and interesting girl I've ever met in my life. To me, she really looks like an angel sent from above. And the thing is… The thing is I feel very attracted to her." I paused to look at my mother.

I could see that she was happy, but at the same time worried about what I said. "Edward, that is wonderful! Why are you acting like this is a problem?"

"Well, it IS a problem mom. You see Bella is…." Oh Jesus, just help me spit it out already "….she's sixteen." Thank you, Jesus. I felt better getting it off my chest, but then I felt guilty yet again.

I proceeded to talk to my mom about the feelings and emotions I felt for Bella. "I know it's really not right. She is going to attend the Youth Group I lead in church, which also technically means that she would be my student. And she is sixteen years old. I just don't know how to handle myself being around her, and controlling the urge to be with her. I really can't get her out off my head, and I feel ashamed that I feel this way about someone that I am supposed to be responsible for." I looked down as I finished my rant. My mom rubbed my arm soothingly and sighed.

"Edward, we can't always control our emotions or who we are attracted to. I understand how hard this must be for you. You need to consider a lot of things if ever you decide to act on these feelings for this girl. You have to think about what this would mean for your job, for your music, and even how the Christian community might view you. I know it's not fair Edward. I know that as followers of Jesus we are taught that it is a sin against God to judge other people, but we are only human after all. As unfair as it will be for them to judge the situation, they will judge you son. But in the end, God's judgment is the only thing that will matter." She wrapped her hands in mine, and squeezed it lightly.

"Edward, you need to follow your heart and do what feels right. If you're scared of making mistakes, don't be. It's okay. I've made a couple of mistakes in the past, and I honestly wished at times that I could go back and change it all. But then I remember, if it weren't for those mistakes I made in the past, I wouldn't know now how to make things right… with you." As she paused, she lifted my chin so that I could look at her straight in the eyes.

"You are bound to fall down in life, sin, and make mistakes. You are only human after all. You are not God. Remember that you are just a man, and no man is perfect. Just keep in mind, God has a plan for all of us, and if we were all perfect and sin free, we wouldn't need Jesus in our life at all."

I knew that everything my mother said was right. Maybe I've honestly known them all along, but sometimes it just helped to hear it. I was still not sure about what I'm supposed to do. I mean, all I could really do was take it one day at a time, and just do what felt right. I wouldn't really know what felt right until the next time I see Bella. So right now, all I could do was wait, and pray to God that he would show me the right path to take.

"Thanks mom," I spoke softly as I hugged her tight to show how much I appreciated what she said. "I love you."

She hugged me back and replied, "I love you too, son. And no matter what happens, just know that I am proud of you." I gave her a kiss in the cheeks, and stood up from the couch.

I decided to go and sit outside, bringing with me my notebook where I usually write my songs. I was hoping I could finally write something new today, after the talk I had with my mother. The pressure was really building to get the second CD out. The music executives told me I could use and buy other peoples songs instead, and record them. But I said no. I had no desire to sing other people's songs. What I loved the most about making music is writing the songs. And if I can't write and sing my own songs, I'd rather not record any.

As I was sitting outside the house, holding my music notebook, I suddenly remembered what an old friend told me, _"The best songs convey the strongest emotions. Let your emotions guide you. They will give you a good basis for your songs."_

I couldn't help but start thinking. What do I feel right now? If I am being honest with myself, I was feeling blissful, happy, and content. But at the same time, I felt guilty, torn, confused, worried, and lost. Why am I feeling all these emotions right now?

As I reflected upon the source of these emotions, it led me to one person… Bella.

I could hardly keep the smile off my face as my thoughts led to her, my Bella. Suddenly, it was as if my inspiration hit like a full force gale, and I suddenly had a full song out of nowhere. My hand started writing as fast as it could. I was having trouble keeping up with the words inside my head…

_Scattered words and empty thoughts_

_Seem to pour from my heart_

_I've never felt so torn before_

_Seems I don't know where to start_

_But it's now I feel your grace fall like rain_

_From every fingertip washing away the pain_

For months, I had prayed to the Lord to give me an inspiration. And I know that He works in mysterious ways, but did He honestly send me an inspiration in the form of a sixteen year old girl?

Thoughts like this made the words spill onto the page…

_Though the questions still fog up my mind_

_With promises I still seem to bear_

_Even when answers slowly unwind_

_It's my heart I see you prepare_

_But it's now I feel your grace fall like rain_

_From every fingertip washing away the pain_

I knew the song still needed a chorus. I knew that even though I didn't have the answers I longed for right now, I still believed. I still believed that no matter what happens things will be okay. With God as my shepherd, I should not fear anything.

The chorus pretty much wrote itself. It was really obvious and it came so easy…

_I still believe in your faithfulness_

_I still believe in your truth_

_I still believe in your holy word_

_Even when I don't see I still believe_

Suddenly, it felt like everything had finally fallen into place. I have written the words that I needed for my new song in just a matter of minutes. I could even hear the chords I would strum on my guitar. I couldn't wait to work it out. I stood up swiftly causing my notebook to drop to the ground. I didn't bother picking it up because I went inside immediately to get my guitar in my bedroom. When I came back outside, I started playing it. I really wanted to call Emmett so he could come over and help me work out a few kinks. But knowing how Emmett is, I figured it probably wasn't the best idea.

That guy knows me too well. I'm certain that once he finds out that I have finally found my inspiration, he would ask, or should I say interrogate me, to know where it came from. I wasn't ready to talk to him about Bella, at least not yet anyway. I am still waiting for the answers I know God would supply.

At the same time, I was afraid that if I ever disclose my feelings for Bella, it would give the other girls who flirted with me hope. I didn't want to have to explain myself as to why Bella was different or special. Even if she would consider being with me, I couldn't exactly ask her to keep things a secret could I? Maybe we could, at least until the Lord gives me the answers my heart is frantically searching for.

I also thought about what my mom said about people judging me, if I started a relationship with a girl from my Youth Group. My mom was right, people will judge me. Whether it was right or wrong, it wouldn't matter. As much as I'd like to say I wouldn't care, I'd just be lying to myself.

I am proud of everything I've accomplished so far in my life. I am grateful to have a job that I love so much. My job is very important to me because I could help teens in that church, regardless of what their concern is. Most of the teens in our congregation look up to me. They see me as someone who can help show them the right path to Jesus. And once again, as much as I would like to think that being with Bella would not jeopardize my job, it will.

Being with Bella would not just affect me, it would also affect the church and all the teens in the Youth Group that I have come to care about. I don't want to risk my integrity and my job, let any of them down, and most especially not their parents. Their parents have entrusted me with their children to look after them and set a good example for them. I can only imagine what they would think if they found out that I have decided to date Bella, a sixteen year old girl, who is also one of the members in the Youth Group I lead in.

Man… I had a lot to pray about.

**OK! Next more Bella/Edward - Promise!! Will be updating closer to once a week now....**

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	6. Chapter 5 Walk By Faith

**Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight**

**Jeremy Camp owns Walk by Faith**

**Jade rocked this chapter out yet again. I wasn't expecting it till Monday -**

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Chapter 5: Walk by Faith

BPOV

Tonight was the night. It was the night that I had been waiting for all week. It was very hard to suppress the stupid-ass smile that has been plastered on my face all day. It wasn't normal at all. Even Alice tells me that I still look like an emo-bitch on my best days. I just hoped I could hide my giddiness from my mother. I don't want her to suspect that anything unusual was going on with me. Most especially not that I was excited to see Edward tonight.

"Bella, don't forget that you told Edward you would attend the youth group tonight." My mom reminded me while we ate dinner.

_Like I could forget. _

"I know mom. Would you please chill?" I told her sarcastically.

I had been looking forward to it all week. He was the only reason why I was willing to go through this once again, the torture of being in the company of dozens of teenage holy rollers tonight. The thought alone made me shutter. But I could never let Renee know that I was looking forward to it.

"Well, God bless you Bella. I really can't get over all the wonderful things that have happened since I have known the Lord. Did I told you that I drove to Muncie today?" Renee asked.

Tonight, there was no way in hell I was getting out of hearing Renee ramble on how good and kind God was. I was the only one left at the house since Phil was away at a game. So obviously, there was no salvation for me this time.

_I might as well get this over with._

"No mom, you haven't told me yet what happened today." I answered her, as I motioned for her to continue.

"Well, the mall was so packed today that the only parking spaces available were miles away. So you know what I did? I asked Jesus to help me find a spot, and what do you know!? Suddenly, I spotted a car pulling out of the first row! Bella, the Lord really cares and answers our prayers! Praise the Lord Jesus!" Renee exclaimed, raising her hands up high.

Originally, I wanted to tell her, "Yea mom, God really has nothing else better to do than make sure YOU have a good parking spot."

_Oh Please. _

Instead, I bit my tongue responded with a mocking tone, "Wow mom, you must be really important!"

I really wished she would get a grip. As if there weren't more important things for God to work His mojo on. I doubt if God would even bother to give her a good parking spot when there were millions of other people, who needed his help more desperately than she did. Every minute, thousands of people, probably even millions were dying of hunger, thirst, abuse, wars, epidemic, just to name a few. Did she really think that God has the time to grant a shallow request like hers?

She obviously sensed my fake enthusiasm because she gave me a pointed look, and told me, "One day Bella, you will see. One day, you will finally understand. I hope Edward can help you find the way, since I obviously can't seem to get through to you."

_Oh no Renee, I plan on showing Edward the way. _

Of course, she wouldn't just drop it there. "Bella, you have to walk by faith, even when you can't see."

Suddenly, I didn't know how to respond to that. I was in awe because of what Renee said to me, and how she said it. This version of Renee was so surreal to me. For a moment there, I actually wondered if she had been sincere all along.

I wasn't used to all the attention that Renee was giving me now. I thought by nature, Renee was a very selfish person. Case in point, she left my father Charlie because she felt trapped in the small town of Forks , Washington. But I found it pretty ironic that she decided to have us settle into this small town of Winchester , Indiana. Charlie, on the other hand, sends me cards on special occasions like birthdays and Christmases. But other than that, I don't really hear from him or see him.

For the past sixteen years, I have pretty much been on my own. Of course, Renee always provided me with food, shelter, and anything else you could buy. I just haven't always felt the unconditional acceptance and love from her that I needed before. I knew she probably never realized this, and I never bothered telling her before either. I knew she tried to love me as much as she could, in her own selfish way. And I accepted that.

To be honest, I am well aware that she is a better mom now than she had ever been. She has learned to love better, and I am genuinely happy for her. I just wished it would have happened two years from now, when I don't have to put up with it any longer. And sometimes, I also wished that it had happened years ago, when her love and care still meant something to me.

After I finished up with dinner, Renee volunteered to clean the dishes instead, and so I rushed to my room to get ready. I made sure to wear something sexy, but not too obvious. I pulled on my black skinny jeans with black heels. The shirt I chose was simple. It was tight, blue, and would ride up if I raised my arm. I didn't want to dress up too much, but I did want to make Edward's head turn.

It was time to put O.S.M.I - "Operation Seduce Mr. Innocent" in full effect. Jasper and Alice joked with me all week at lunch about O.S.M.I. It's cool. They will see how my planning will pay off.

Speaking of Jasper, he totally bailed on me tonight, and so I was on my own. I didn't really care though because I wanted to give Edward my undivided attention. Plus, he had a reasonable excuse - Alice .

No, he still didn't get the nerve to ask her out, because honestly, that's not how he rolls. He certainly would never go ask some chick to go steady with him or do some equally corny shit. He was much smoother than that. Instead, he asked her to be his partner for an English project. Although, I'm quite positive that he will be putting the moves on her during the time they spent alone together.

When I walked into the coffee house, I spotted him immediately, and so did he. He looked me up and down, while he ran his hand through his sex hair. I smiled to myself.

_O.S.M.I would be easier than I thought. _

I approached him giving him a small smile, and waved, "Hey!"

"Bella, hey! I'm so glad you could make it! Are you here alone? Isn't your boyfriend accompanying you tonight?" He asked me, and Jesus Christ, how I love to hear him say my name.

"Jasper? Oh, he isn't my boyfriend. We're just really close." I swear I saw relief flash across his face when I said that. I continued, "He actually bailed on me. Some shit about an English project."

As soon as those words left my mouth again, I mentally slapped myself. God, why can't I control my cursing around him? I shook my head and gave him a small smile. "I'm sorry. stuff is what I meant."

He sweetly replied, "It's okay, Bella. It's not as if I have never heard a person curse before."

_Oh God, he said my name again._

I felt my knees weaken. I laughed nervously as I saw some girl bouncing up to Edward, and I got to see firsthand the way these girls threw themselves at him.

"Edward?" She asked all innocently batting her eyelashes and touching his arm.

"Yes, Jane?" He asked, completely unaware of the effect he was having on her.

"I just wanted to introduce myself to…?" She looked at me expectantly.

"Bella" I told her, quickly. "It's nice to meet you." I extended my hand to hers, and she shook it.

Edward spoke again. "Bella and her mom just started coming here, Jane. I hope you all make her feel welcome."

_I'd rather you make me feel welcome._

"Of course, Edward!" Jane responded, licking her lips. I rolled my eyes out at how obvious she was. She seemed so innocent, yet so deceiving.

"Bella, where do you go to school? I'm a junior at Fountain City High School ." She said, focusing her attention to me once again.

I simply answered her, "I'm a junior at Winchester ."

"I see. Have you given any thought to college yet?" Jane asked or prying would be a better term.

_So what, are we like BFF's now?_

In truth, she must've been trying to be polite, but this was one question I hated with a passion. I really had no clue as to what I wanted to do when I finally graduated from high school. Renee was bugging me to take my SATs this year, and I really didn't want to. But since Jasper and I do everything together, and he was serious about taking them, I decided to reconsider.

Don't get me wrong, I have the desire to do something with my life. I wasn't just sure what it was right now. It's not like I was in any rush to run away from Indiana like Jasper was. I just got here, and I was used to moving around a lot with Renee and Phil over the past years. For once, I actually wanted to feel what it would be like to stay in one place, where I was happy for more than a couple of years.

"College….Well, I want to go, but I haven't given it much thought yet." I honestly replied.

"Huh," was all that left from Edward's lips. I wasn't sure what that meant. I couldn't quite read what was going on in his mind at that moment.

A couple of minutes later, he excused himself telling us he had to help the band set up. But before he left, he told me to meet with him afterwards to discuss helping him with the meal.

I couldn't help but miss him already as I watched him walk away. But of course, I made sure to check out his fine ass.

_And what a fine ass indeed._

Jane led me over to the coffee bar, and we ordered lattes. I realized this place wasn't so bad after all.

As I was holding my latte, she turned to me and said, "So what do you think of Edward? He's pretty hot don't you think?"

"Yeah, I guess so." I said, taking a sip of my latte. There was no point in denying how hot Edward looked. Only someone who was crazy wouldn't find Edward attractive. I bet even some of the men in here have a crush on him. I just hoped I said it in a way that sounded like I didn't care.

"Well, all the girls have a major crush on him, not that any of us have a chance. He would never date someone in his youth group. It would be like a teacher dating one of his students. And we know for a fact that, that is illegal, right? But of course, that fact has never stopped any of the girls before. In fact, the only reason half these girls are in this youth group is because he is here. Is that why you are here?"

_Duh… Why else would I be here?_

"No. Actually, my mom is kind of the reason why I am here in the first place. If I had a choice, I wouldn't be here right now, whether the youth group leader was hot or not."

Well, it's not like it was a complete lie. It was half true anyway. It was really Renee's original idea to come here in the first place to begin with. But then again, who the hell was I kidding? If I didn't really want to be here, I could've easily thought of some excuse to back out from this.

Great, now I was just lying straight up in the house of God. And I haven't even gotten yet to the improper thoughts I have been having since I saw Edward. His jaw was definitely one of the hottest features I have ever seen… Oh wait, scratch that. His jaw IS the hottest one I've ever seen. To top it of, it doesn't look like he has shaved in a few days.

_Can you say jaw porn? Yea, that is so Fuck hot! _

I was brought back to the real world when I heard Jane speak again. "Well, they're gonna start to play soon. Let's go get a good spot!" Jane said enthusiastically, as she pulled me along to the stage.

As the band took the stage, we took our seats at a high table with two chairs. Good thing I was already sitting properly when I saw Edward walk out the stage. Just the sight of his fingers moving on the neck of his guitar made my knees weaken, and my panties wet.

_Can you say hand porn? Yea, that is so Fuck hot! _

A couple of minutes after, the band finally finished setting up, and didn't waste time. They immediately started singing, and I would have to admit they actually sounded great. In fact, better than the bands I listened to.

The other kids in the room really got into it. They would occasionally jump up and down from their places, raise and wave their hands up high, and sing along in some of the songs. Over all, it was as bad as I thought it would be. I even recognized a few songs myself.

I was quite surprised that they were covering a few songs that I had heard on mainstream radio, and so I turned to Jane to question it. According to her, they cover songs once in a while because it kept the kids interested. Plus, the original band was a Christian Band.

The other songs Edward played were all good too. I mean, let's face it, he could sing the phonebook, and I'd love it. The man oozed sex, and I don't think he had any idea how many wet panties there must be in this coffee house right now. His voice, his scent, the way he carries himself - everything about him invites you in. You just can't help but be captivated by him.

_Note to self – bring extra panties when you see him._

After he did the last song, he said a prayer, and he went into this whole mini sermon. I was quite impressed with how comfortable he was talking in front of a large crowd. I was even more impressed at how he didn't sound like a tool talking about Jesus and faith. He told us how faith was like the wind, wherein just because you couldn't see it, you couldn't feel it.

I could clearly see that Edward was different. He wasn't like the other ministers or preachers I've seen and heard. Just by listening to him and from the way I saw him interacting with the others, I could tell he ministered by example. He doesn't push the word of God to anyone. He tries to be a good friend and a good listener first. It did no good to push the subject with those who are not ready to hear about it. I should know. I felt those who pushed their beliefs on others did nothing, but alienate whoever was in their line of fire. They came across as if they were better because they had Jesus in their life, as if they know everything. When the truth is, they don't.

Towards the end of his mini sermon, Edward walked to the side of the stage and picked up his guitar once again. I was surprised when Edward played a song I knew. I was even more surprised when out of the dozens of teens in there, his eyes suddenly locked with mine, as if once again, he was singing this song straight to me.

_Would I believe you when you would say Your hand will guide my every way Will I receive the words You say Every moment of every day _

_Well I will walk by faith Even when I cannot see it Well because this broken road Prepares Your will for me_

As I heard the lyrics of the song, I started to think that maybe I was missing something, or maybe my epiphany of faith hadn't hit yet, because I have no clue what I was supposed to feel. I genuinely believed that Edward felt it, as do a number of people in here. In fact, if I was really being honest right now, I was slightly jealous that he was in this club that I didn't understand. I wondered, would I ever understand?

_Help me to win my endless fears You've been so faithful for all my years With the one breath You make me_

_Your grace covers all I do_

_yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah, yeah_

_Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace_

How do you even attempt to walk by faith, as Renee told me earlier? I resigned to the fact that I may never feel passionate about this, that I may never feel the wind.

Would Edward consider being with someone like me? Someone who couldn't feel the wind? Someone who doesn't have a desire to even try to feel the wind?...

Was there something wrong with me?...

I prayed that Edward could accept me as I was.

_Well hallelujah, hallelu (I will walk by faith)_

_Well hallelujah, hallelu (I will walk by faith)_

_I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith I will, I will, I will walk by faith_

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	7. Chapter 6 The Blessing

**Not mine - Twilight is Stephanie Meyer**

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Chapter 6: The Blessing

BPOV

It's been an hour since the gathering ended. Everyone had already left, and I was just waiting for Edward while he packed up the last of his gear.

"Just give me one second Bella. I just have to grab something."

"It's cool." I told him as I stayed put at the high table while I sent a text to Jasper.

He wanted a booty call. I told him he shouldn't have backed out on me tonight. I placed my phone down as Edward moved toward me, running those sexy as hell fingers through his messy hair, and pulled up a chair next to me.

"Thanks for sticking around Bella. I'm sure you have other places you want to be." He said as he sat down. He was so close, and my God did he smell delightful.

"Actually no, I'm exactly where I want to be." I told Edward bluntly. I could tell he looked surprised and a bit uncomfortable with my forwardness.

"Right... Well, the meal for the needy will be happening on Saturday. You have to be here by two o'clock in the afternoon. Dinner will be served at five o'clock, and we expect like two hundred people to come." Edward said everything in a flash without even stopping for air. He pretty much dismissed my flirting and moved on to business. I guess he was used to beating us hormonal teen girls off with a stick. But I won't let it stop me because it was pretty obvious that he was attracted to me.

"Okay," I told him agreeing to help. "Can I ask you something Edward?"

"Sure," he responded easily. I could really tell he was passionate about helping others, and guiding them to make the right choices. Frankly, I don't understand any of it.

"Why do you volunteer?" I asked him for two reasons. First, I really wanted to understand him better. Second, I might need a better answer to that question myself, than wanting to hang out with my hot youth group leader.

"I do it because I want to be a blessing to others, Bella. It's important to give back. I want to be remembered for the good deeds I have done while I am still alive. Every blessing and every curse is a choice. I choose to be a blessing. When I die, I want to be remembered as someone who spoke the word of life through my words and actions. I want to be remembered as someone who helped spread the Lord's kingdom here on earth, through my service to other people. I want that to become my legacy."

"Bella, we live in a cynical world of confusion right now. Life is complicated by any other definition. It does not take us long to become disappointed by the circumstances we find ourselves in. People are constantly in need of answers to their questions. And there seems to be more questions than answers at times." He paused for a moment, and continued, "Do you know that when I talk to some people at the church, most of them ask the same questions all the time? Where is God? Is God real? Why did He abandon me? Some people find it hard to believe that there is a God because of their circumstances in life. And I don't blame them at all. I wish I could help them find all the answers, but I can't. I'm neither superman nor God. But I do want to help them in finding the answers that I can help with."

"I am here because I want to be the Lord's instrument in answering some of their questions and prayers. I know that we were taught in church to have faith even when you can't see. However, for some people, it's easier said than done. Some people need to really see it and feel it. And for that, I volunteer whenever I can in such church events. I want people to see that there is indeed a God through me and my actions. I know that Jesus ministers through me, and once they are ready to accept it, the people would see how blessed I am, and they would understand for themselves what it means to be a child of God. Believe it or not, God will be using you, me, and all the other volunteers to answer the two hundred prayers of people who need food at the meal event that we will be sponsoring on Saturday. That's another reason why I volunteer Bella. The Lord also needs help answering prayers."

I was stunned in silence with his speech. The sincerity in his voice hit me hard. I had no witty comments, and had no urge to roll my eyes like I do at Renee. I was simply moved.

"What about you, Bella? Why are you going to do this?" Edward asked me after a few moments of silence.

You, of course.

Was I really going to tell him the truth? That I was just doing all of this because I wanted to spend time with him?

"Honestly?"

"Please." was all he responded to me with.

"Just so you know, I'm actually feeling mortified right now. I can't believe I am going to say this." I looked down and bit my lip. Edward closed the gap between us, reached out, and lifted my chin up so I could look into his piercing green eyes.

"Just say it Bella. Whatever it is, I promise not to judge."

"I wanted to do it… I wanted to do it to spend some time with you. You are seriously the most beautiful guy I have ever seen. I came here and I agreed to help out on Saturday because I wanted for you to notice me. But tonight, I learned that the beauty inside of you doesn't even compare to the beauty on the outside of you. And I kind of feel guilty for my reasons now…" I let my voice go softer as I peered into his eyes, and told him something that I would probably regret later. But right now, he was all that mattered.

"I want to be a blessing too." I told him softly.

Liar

I did want to be a better person. But I was nowhere near actually striving to be one. The only thing I was striving for at the moment was Edward. And if I had to lie to him to do that, then so be it.

"You are…" He whispered to me as he brought his lips closer to mine. I closed the gap quickly, wanting to seize the moment. He started with my upper lip, and moved his hand to the side of my head kissing me harder. I opened my mouth a little inviting him in. Our tongues touched for a short time, and I moved my hand to his fuck hot jaw. It has been so long since I have been kissed. Jasper and I have a strict no lip kissing rule since it's too personal. I never realized how much I fucking missed kissing until now.

Just as I was savoring the feeling of Edward's lips and tongue in mine, I felt him pulling away hesitantly.

"We can't do this, Bella. It's not right." He was nearly panting out the words. He took a couple of steps back away from me. Those words stung. Even Edward seemed to be in pain after saying them.

I couldn't let him off the hook that easy though. I knew if I wanted him, he was going to need to be pushed.

"Edward, this feels right to me. I know you feel it too." I told him with much conviction.

"I do. I just don't think it's fair to you or to me. We couldn't be a normal couple. We couldn't tell people. This would have to remain a secret. And anything that has to be kept a secret is not right. Bella, they aren't secrets without a good reason. I'm twenty-two years old, and you're only sixteen! I'm suppose to be someone you can look up to!" He shouted, his chest heaving by the end. I took a moment to catch my breath.

He let out a heavy sigh, "It's just that it feels…."

It was the first time I ever saw Edward at a loss for words. I stood up and walked the short distance over to him, and stood in between his legs. I began to fill in the blanks for him.

"Right…It just feels right." I grabbed his face and began kissing him again. I crashed my lips into his with such force, that it almost knocked us to the floor.

When I stopped for air, I continued, "Don't make me stay away from you because I can't. I don't want to. I don't care what the cost is. Nothing is forever." I leaned my forehead against his and he let out a sigh.

"You really believe nothing is forever Bella? Because life is forever. Just because our life ends here on earth, it doesn't mean its over. It just moves on to a new place." I knew he was talking about the heaven he believed in.

"The connection I feel to you is so strong, like our souls are linked." I dropped my hands from his face and let it fall down to his chest. He, on the other hand, took this as an opportunity and took my face in between his hands. He held my gaze and traced his fingers over my face. He was looking at me like I was the most precious thing he'd ever seen, and it took my breath away. My heart filled with happiness and a smile took my lips.

He brushed a hair of mine back from my face. "Bella, since the first time I saw you, I couldn't keep my eyes off of you . You really had my head spinning. I don't know what is right or wrong anymore." He said softly brushing the back of his hands in my cheek.

"The world is not black and white, Edward. There is a lot of gray. There are no easy answers for this." I motioned with my hands back and forth between us. "All I know is I can't just walk away."

Right or wrong didn't matter. Whatever the future held for us, we would handle it.

"All we can do is live one day at a time." I whispered softly, burying my face in his chest. He enveloped me in his arms and pulled me closer to him. He seemed to have given up fighting, and he kissed my forehead.

The moment was perfect. Being held in his arms, and feeling his lips in my skin felt like ecstasy... until my phone started singing "Jesus of Suburbia"…

"_No one ever died for my sins in hell as far as I can tell."_

You've got to be kidding me.

All of a sudden I was really embarrassed about my choice of ring tone for Renee. I took a step back from Edward. I felt my face turn red as I reached for my phone and answered the call.

"Mom, what's up?" I asked her, hoping that she wouldn't recognize how frustrated I was with her for ruining the perfect moment that I just had a couple of minutes ago.

"Bella, honey? Where are you? I thought you would be home by now." It still surprises me until now, whenever Renee would call up to check on me. She never did that before.

"Relax mom. Edward was just filling me on the meals for the needy." I replied honestly. Well, at least half it. It's not like I could tell her I was taking long because I was making out with Edward in the church.

"Okay sweetie, be safe! Come straight home."

"Okay mom, see you soon," and with that I flipped my phone shut. I looked down trying to hide the obvious embarrassment that I was feeling.

"Green Day fan?" I asked him, trying to lighten the mood incase the song offended him.

"Jesus of Suburbia isn't so bad." He told me with a shrug, letting me know Renee's ring tone did not offend him.

"Yea I only use that one for Renee," I told him. "She has been a bit overbearing lately with all this…"

Crap. That's what I wanted to say, but I didn't. I was getting better at biting my tongue.

"She has been a bit overbearing lately with all this…stuff." I finished.

"So what ring tone am I going to get?" Edward asked me with a smirk.

"Um…I am thinking, 'Lady Gaga Love Games'." Edward looked at me confused so I asked him if he knew the song. He told me no, and I so I sang it to him…

"_Let's have some fun, this beat is sick. I wanna take a ride on your disco stick."_

That's exactly what I wanted to do with Edward, and so I thought it would be the perfect ring tone for him.

Edward giggled and looked down, rubbing the back of his neck and peeked up at me.

"You, Bella, are going to be the death of me." He reached out and grabbed my arm pulling me close to him for a hug.

I wanted to stay in his arms and never leave his side. But I knew that it was getting late, and as much as I wanted to not leave him, I had to.

"I better get going." I told him with a frown.

"Alright then. I'll walk you out." I was happy to see that Edward seemed to be as disappointed as I was that our night has come to an end.

Edward offered to walk me out to my car. Before we separated, he called my cell phone real quick so we each had each others numbers. He opened my truck door for me and told me to drive safe. I promised to text him when I arrived home.

The whole ride home by myself made me think about a lot of things. I had no clue what I was getting myself into with Edward. But I couldn't deny the way I felt when I was close to him. I knew we had a lot of things to talk about. Obviously, if either of us decided to pursue this relationship, it wouldn't be easy. But that didn't matter. I was more than willing to do anything just to be with him.

I called Jasper as soon as I pulled my car onto the street, telling him I needed to talk to him. I had a lot of shit on my mind, and I needed to talk to someone about it. I arrived home a little after nine, and of course, Renee had to say shit that made her sound like a flake.

"Bella, honey, is that you?" She called out to me from the kitchen as I shut the front door.

"Yeah it's me, mom. Jasper is on his way over, okay?" I told her casually because I knew she wouldn't mind. She thought of Jasper as her own, and with her new Christian kick, she thought she could use the word to save him.

"Oh that's great!" Renee walked out of the kitchen to talk to me.

"Bella, do you have any prayer requests?

What the hell?

"Because the Women's Bible Study has a prayer chain, and if there is anything we can pray about to help you or Jasper, you just let me know." Was she serious? She wanted to know if I had prayer requests. She couldn't handle my prayer requests.

She continued on, "You know Bella, the more people praying for the same thing, the more powerful the prayer is."

Holy shit, where the fuck is Jasper? I don't know how much more of this little speech about prayers I could take. It made no sense to me. So God was more likely to answer my prayers if I asked others to pray with me? Well what if I didn't? Does that mean He wouldn't be so inclined to help a sister out? I shook my head.

"I really can't think of anything mom. I will totally let you know the minute I think of something."

Just then, Jasper walked in the door.

Thank you God!

"You should ask Jasper though." I mentioned as he walked toward us.

"Ask me what?" Jasper asked my mom, as he kissed the side of my head.

"If you need prayers about anything, you know, just tell my mom. She was just telling me that when more than one person prays for something, the prayer is more powerful," I told Jasper. As soon as I told him what Renee and I were talking about, he walked straight up to her.

"Renee that is so thoughtful of you. I could use some prayers in my life. You know I am under a lot of pressure to play well, and earn good grades so I could have a shot at a scholarship to Duke. It would be great if you and the ladies could keep that in your prayers." Jasper almost had me fooled into thinking he thought it would actually make a difference. He never ceased to surprise me because the way he responded to Renee with such sincerity, made me strive to be a better actor.

"Of course, Jasper. You just let me know anytime you need more prayers. Well I am off to bed. Don't stay up too late, it's a school night. And Bella, tell me all about the youth group tomorrow, promise?" Renee was telling, not asking.

"No problem mom. Good night." I didn't bother arguing with her because I know it would just make matters worse. But in all honesty, I wasn't going to tell her anything. I just told her what she wanted to hear.

I led Jasper outback again so I could tell him about what happened with Edward. Jasper and I sat down on the porch swing.

"So how'd it go B?" Jasper asked me raising an eyebrow.

"Did you ever doubt my skills at seduction Jasper?" I asked smirking back at him.

"No shit!" Jasper stated sounding surprised, and scratching the back of his head.

"Yea, well it's not like he's my boyfriend or anything. There's too much church politics or some shit for that to happen. But I mean we kissed, and exchanged numbers. We're gonna talk about what it all means later. Edward is not the type of guy to just hook up with a girl." I told Jasper, who nodded at me.

"What do you feel for Edward? Cause if he is kissing you and shit, his feelings must be pretty intense." Jasper had a point, and I realized I hadn't had the time to analyze that part just yet.

"I feel…..fuck Jazz…." I really wasn't sure how to put into words all the emotions I felt, so I just spit them out. "When I am with him, I feel safe. I feel accepted. Kissing him just felt like the most natural thing in the world for me. It felt so right. But at the same time, I also feel scared shitless." I told him. I honestly was.

"Scared? Bella you are never scared."

"Well there's a first time for everything Jasper" I told him with a pointed look.

"What are you scared of? It sounds like you should be happy."

"I am Jasper, and I guess that scares me. It also scares me because we are so different. He was talking to everyone tonight about having faith in things you can't see, like you just feel them like the wind. I totally don't know what the hell he was talking about. I know we laugh at Renee because she does sound like a fucking retard sometimes, but Edward doesn't. And I have no clue how to be good to him."

Just then, my phone started ringing. I looked down and saw it was Edward. I pressed the button and put the phone to my ear.

"Hey" I answered smiling.

"Bella, is everything okay? Did you get home safe?" Edward asked, he sounded panicked.

"Oh Shit. I'm sorry I forgot to call. Jasper just came over and I forgot." If Edward did want me to be his girlfriend, I would really need to work on doing what I say I am going to do. I could tell Edward always does what he says he is going to do, and he means what he says. Those were things I would need to work on.

"I just wanted to make sure you were ok…." Edward trailed off. "So I know you have company, I don't want to take you away from your friend."

You can take me away whenever you like.

"Jasper is not company. He pretty much lives here." I told Edward as I mouthed to Jasper to give me a minute. I didn't really want an audience while I talked to Edward, so I walked back into the house.

"So what did you want to talk about?" I asked Edward, getting back on the topic.

"I wanted to know if I could see you before Saturday to talk about what happened earlier."

I'm really not much of a talker. I don't really care to talk about shit. I go more with my instincts, and like to take things as they come.

"I don't really think there's much to talk about Edward. I don't really care for labels or plans or even putting all your cards on the table or whatever. I prefer to take things as they come. So if you want to see me sooner than Saturday, all you have to do is ask."

"I do want to see you. I would just like to figure out what we are doing." Edward told me.

"What we are doing is whatever feels right. Just because we have some obstacles and shit doesn't mean we have to analyze what we have. Let's just take it a day at a time. Let's just do what comes naturally."

"I can't be seen with you Bella." Edward said with pain and regret. "At least until we have some answers. I have faith God will give us a way to be together, I just don't know yet how it will happen. So until we figure it out, it's not like I can just take you to the movies."

"I know" I told him, because I understood the implications our relationship could have on his reputation. I had nothing to lose. But Edward had everything to lose.

"There is once place we don't have to hide. It's at my house. I don't keep anything from my mom. I have really been struggling with my attraction to you, so I asked for some advice."

"Really?" I questioned him. I couldn't imagine being able to talk to Renee about anything like that. "What did she say?"

"Funny thing about that, she said the same thing you did….to do what felt right…"

Huh… Smart woman his mother is.

"Can I ask you something Bella?" Edward sounded like he was a bit weary to ask me the question.

"Sure" I told him.

"Just how close are you and Jasper?"

Oh fuck.

I now understood the weariness I heard in his voice. It wasn't because he was afraid of my reaction to the question. He was afraid of the answer to the question. I knew I didn't want to lie to him, but I wasn't ready to talk to him about it yet either. For the first time ever, I felt like it was wrong, and I knew Edward would think it was wrong and have a hard time understanding.

"I… um…" I stumbled with my words trying not to sound like an idiot. "I actually have to go. Jasper wants me to get off his bed."

Shit! I think I just made it worse than it already was.

I face palmed. I can be a complete idiot sometimes. "I'm sorry, that came out all wrong. Jasper sleeps on the couch in our living room, where I am currently seating on…"

Mayday! Mayday!

This wasn't going well at all. I took a deep breath, and began speaking again.

"Can you just call me again tomorrow? I get done with school at 2:30." I asked him, carefully avoiding his previous question. I felt bad for lying to him about Jasper wanting to go to sleep. But it felt better to lie about that, than to tell him Jasper and I were nothing more then friends.

"Sure Bella, I will call you then. Good night" I could clearly hear the disappointment in his voice.

"Good night Edward." I hung up my cell phone with an exaggerated sigh, leaning back into the couch.

I knew then that my life would never be the same again. Oh dear God, what is in store for me? I figured if anyone knew, it was Lord God Almighty.

Maybe it's not too late to take up my mother's offer up on that prayer thing…

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	8. Chapter 7 Anyway

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Chapter 7: Anyway

EPOV

I was giving in. I knew that Bella might be the death of me or the cause of my down fall. But for some reason, I could care less. I was too far gone now to go back. I might as well risk it all. The minute I felt her lips in mine, my decision had been made. Whether or not it was the rational decision to make, I wasn't sure. But I knew I would fight for her..._ For a chance to be close to her…_

Bella was all that I could think of while I was on my way home. Her deep brown eyes, her slender figure, her pale skin, and the feel of those luscious lips on mine, invaded every part of my heart, mind, and body. I didn't know what came to me when I suddenly kissed her. I knew it was the wrong move for a gentleman to make, and yet somehow, I couldn't seem to regret doing it. I'm just so attracted to her. It's as if there's this whole magnetic pull saying that we're just meant to be together.

And so after her mom called, I knew it wouldn't be for long until she had to leave my side. I didn't want to her to go yet. I wanted to hold her in my arms for another minute, hour, day, month, even a year, if she would let me. But of course, it wasn't possible. It hurt to let her go. For that reason, I couldn't wait to hear her voice again.

As I walked inside my house, I was greeted by my mom and Rev. Carlisle. They have been dating for two months already. It wasn't a secret or anything, they just don't flaunt it.

Rev. Carlisle's first wife passed away only two years after they were married. Her name was Kate. He was twenty-six, and she was twenty-four when the unfortunate incident happened. From what I was told, they had just found out that Kate was pregnant when the doctor discovered she had cervical cancer. They told her that the only chance for her to survive was to terminate the pregnancy... she refused. By the time their daughter Rosalie was born, the cancer was too aggressive and had spread to the other parts of her body. She passed away six months later.

As they saw me enter, Rev. Carlisle and my mom asked me about the youth group. I talked to them about it for a few minutes. Of course, I left out the part about Bella and I. I wasn't ready to disclose to them the details just yet. After basically telling them everything about the night's events, and how the evening turned out, I excused myself to heat up my dinner. Rev. Carlisle left shortly after.

After eating my dinner, I realized how late it was already, and Bella hadn't called yet. I started to get worried since she said she would call me once she got home. I waited for a few more minutes to wait for her call, and when she hadn't, I decided to call her instead.

The second her phone rang, I heard the voice of an angel. I couldn't help but smile when I heard the tone of her voice. She seemed to be pleased that I called her. However, the second she mentioned Jasper's name, I immediately felt jealous and protective of her. I knew I had no right to feel such things, but I just couldn't help it.

I realized I didn't really know that much about Bella. I knew there was more to her and Jasper then she let on. I would never judge her though. Everyone makes bad choices, and I knew nothing of the situation. I just couldn't help but be jealous when I saw him kissing her head, and pulling her into his side at the church.

When I asked about her relationship with Jasper, I was hoping to get an answer. But clearly, she wasn't ready to tell me yet. The second I asked her the question, she remained silent for a few minutes. And when she finally had the strength to speak, she couldn't form coherent sentences. I didn't want to force her, and so I thought it was best to drop the subject for now, despite the fact that it didn't settle easily with me. All I knew was that whatever mistakes she did make in the past, I could never fault her for them. Those decisions are what made her who she is now. They shaped her character, and I know you can only grow stronger from lessons learned. I was willing to accept her just as she is.

But I have to admit that the doubt and insecurities still plagued my mind. I want to be with Bella. But when i think about the things that might happen, I can't help but feel scared. It's just that being with Bella feels right, no matter how wrong it seems. I knew that nothing in life comes easy, and the biggest rewards in life come from the things you fight for. So if that was the case, then I've got to be prepared for a one heck of a battle .

My mom's voice pulled me away from my thoughts. "Edward? Is everything okay?"

I pulled my hair and didn't waste any time getting straight to the point.

"I kissed Bella…and I liked it." Once I spitted it out, relief flooded over me. I looked to my mom to see her reaction to my confession, and saw that she had remained silent as if she was telling me to just continue. So I did.

"It felt right. It was the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. I felt like I was on flying. It felt a hundred times better than what I feel when I'm singing onstage. But I also feel so torn right now. I can't help but feel like what we did was just wrong. But at the same time, I can't seem to stay away from her. It feels like there is this invisible string connecting us, and every time I see her, learn something new about her, or even just hear her voice - the string pulls me closer to her." By the time I finished ranting, it felt like all of my energy has just been sucked out of me.

"I am trying to get everything into prospective. I am trying my best to think rationally here, but I don't know how because everything is just so unclear right now. I really don't know where to go from here." I sighed deeply, and dropped my forehead in the palm of my hands.

I felt like I was being torn in two. I really didn't know what to do. One side of me was telling me to just go for it and take the leap no matter what the consequences may be. But another part of me was telling me to look first before I take the jump.

As I looked up to my mom, she looked at me with her eyes full of compassion and understanding. "Come with me Edward. Let's go get some fresh air, and I will tell you what I think." I stood up from my chair, and followed her out of the kitchen.

She led us out back to the small creek that ran along our property. It was so calming and relaxing. She had put a bench out here, and I knew she came down here a lot to think. There weren't many trees in Indiana, but there were lots of open fields and farm land. So the few trees that we had around the creek were like stepping into a different place. My mom took a seat and patted the space next to her for me to join her. I did as she asked. She started talking, and I listened intently.

"Edward, life is not certain. Sometimes, things happen when you least expect it, and you don't know how to handle it. As Christians, we pray for guidance from God to lead us to the right path. And it's so wonderful when God shows us the answers we are looking for. But in some instances, some answers are harder to find." She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and paused for a moment as if she was reminiscing.

I was aware of what my mom had been through in her life. She was one of the strongest people I know. Her life had been hard and she had been through a lot, and yet she never questioned God or got mad at Him. She thanked God when she finally found the answers that she had been seeking for a very long time. One day, she realized what He had been trying to show her, that she needed to find an escape, to leave, and to start over. She told me that when she found out that she was pregnant with me, she realized that I was her escape. That if it weren't for me, she would have never found the strength to leave.

After a few minutes of silence, she opened her eyes, looked at me, and continued. "You can spend your whole life building something, and one storm can come and take it all away. But it doesn't mean we aren't going to build it, right? You can pour your soul out singing, and tomorrow we could all forget what you sang. But again, you're still going to sing that song anyway, right?" I nodded.

"Yea, I would" I replied to my mom. I would sing for the hope that the song wouldn't be forgotten.

I have spent the last four years of my life building my career and music. And right now, I'm at the top of my game. Still, I knew that there was the possibility that all of it could be gone tomorrow. But like what my mother said, just because there was chance that I could lose it all, doesn't mean I wouldn't bother working for it.

"I know you would," she said to me with a smile, rubbing my arm. "Look at Carlisle. Do you think he would have stayed away from Kate if he knew what God had planned for them? I don't think so. Carlisle loved her with all of his heart, and he would've sacrificed everything for her. I'm quite sure that he will always miss her and love her. And I'm hundred percent certain that even if he knew beforehand what God had planned for them, he still would've loved and chosen her anyway."

My mother was right. I knew that Rev. Carlisle felt blessed having Kate in his life, no matter how short a time it was. That the joy and peace she brought him in their years together could never outweigh the hurt and pain he felt when he lost her. He told me that there was no need to dwell on the pain because one day, he would enter the heavens and see her again. When that happens, all the pain and loss would be forgotten. The only thing he could do now was go on, and walk the path that Jesus had laid before him.

She stretched out her hand and held my face in her hand. "God is great, Edward. And sometimes life isn't fair, or even good. When that happens, I pray, hoping that God would show me the right path to take. It may not always turn out the way I think it should, but I do it anyway because I have faith. So you sing, you dream, and you love - because the world is full of too many uncertainties to not take the blessings God graces you with... even if they are disguised." She kissed my cheek, and stood up.

"I'm off to bed Edward. I hope you find some peace tonight." She told me lovingly.

"Thanks mom, I'll be up in a few minutes." I stayed behind because I wanted to pray. But I did more than pray. I begged….for peace and for answers.

The more I begged for peace, the more I realized it wasn't going to come anytime soon. I couldn't help but feel like no matter what choice I make, I was bound to lose something … or someone. I knew God was listening to my prayers. I knew he had a path laid out for me to follow, even though it was still unknown to me. I guess for now, all I could do was face the uncertainties with a blind eye and deep faith, that despite the rough road ahead, the destination would be worth it.

………………………………

The next day, while I was at work at the Coffee House, Emmett had left me with a bunch of contracts that needed to be looked over for upcoming shows. But the truth was the contracts were the farthest thing from my mind. I couldn't concentrate with what I was reading because all that I could think about was Bella. I couldn't wait till two thirty so I could finally call her. I was sitting there, counting down the minutes till I could hear her voice again.

It was about noon time when I felt my cell phone buzzing in my pocket. I took it out, and was quite surprised when I saw who the message from… It was from Bella. She must have been on her lunch break, which was why she had the time for me. I opened the message and read it.

_I was just thinking of you. - B _

I felt my heart swell knowing that she was thinking of me like I was thinking about her. I sent my reply immediately.

_What were you thinking about? - E_

_Lots of stuff - B_

_Like? - E _

_I'm not sure you could handle it. - B _

It doesn't take much to get me excited, and that's exactly what Bella was doing to me. My level headed self said to text her back and agree with her, but the head that lacks a brain didn't even give me a second to acknowledge my level head. The text was already sent…

_Oh? I think I can handle it - E _

_I was just imagining your hands all over me… touching me… - B _

I was done trying to reason with myself. I wasn't nearly as rational with a hard on.

_Where do you want my hands Bella? - E _

Hey, it's not like it's a big sin to flirt, right? It's just flirting. There's no harm in doing it.

_I want to feel your fingers against my breast, my nipple between your teeth, and your tongue sweeping across it. I want to feel your fingers buried inside me. - B_

I never claimed she was shy and innocent. I said she was beautiful and feisty. She was really making my dick ache, and I had to adjust myself or do something to relieve the pressure.

_I'm sure we can arrange for some of that to happen, at some point. - E_

I was not opposed to foreplay. I never laid out what was right and wrong in the eyes of the Lord when it came to foreplay. I honestly never needed too. I had felt up a girl or two in my past, I just wasn't sure how far beyond that I was comfortable with. My only certainty was I knew it was important to be respectful and wait until marriage.

_Meet me tonight? - B_

_Tell me when. - E_

_Ten o' clock? Do you know a good place to meet? - B_

I had the perfect place. There was a small Amish community in between Winchester and Fountain City. I knew the Amish didn't know who I was. They were a close knit community that ride in horses and buggy's, and lived without electricity. The Kiem family has a small market where they sell the products they grow on their farm. No one would be around. They go to bed early because they wake up at like five o' clock in the morning with the roosters.

_Do you know Kiem market in Lynn? - E_

_Yes. - B _

_Meet me there. - E _

I found it ironic that just a couple of months ago, I was telling my students in the youth group that they should keep their clothes on and stay above the waist. Looking at where I was now, I wasn't sure if I could follow my own advice. When it came to Bella, all logic and reason seemed to leave my head.

"Edward?" my assistant's voice caught my attention.

"Yes Angela, what's going on?" I turned around in the bar stool to face her.

"Tanya Denali called. She said she was interested in being a part of the Christmas Eve concert this year."

Angela knew about my past with Tanya. She was my "girlfriend" in high school. I certainly would not call it a serious relationship though. We barely hung out outside of youth group and school. We did hold hands and kiss, and I even let my hands wonder a few times to her breast. Other than that, it was all very innocent.

She and Rev. Carlisle's daughter, Rosalie, were best friends. She was also very beautiful, but in a fake kind of way. Long blonde hair, ten minute tanning sessions once a week, and fake nails. Her eyelash even fell off once! I couldn't believe her eyelashes weren't even real! One day, we just kind of stopped seeing each other.

Lately though, she has been calling me and asking me to hang out, telling me that she missed me. I was considering pursuing her again, until Bella walked into my life. She was a very talented singer though, and I would be a fool to turn down her offer. I didn't want to lead her on so I figured I would ask Angela to keep in touch with her instead.

"Um…I really don't have time to call her Ang. Do you think you could ask her to meet me here on Saturday, from like 1:00 pm to 2:00 pm? I can give her all the details on the songs and rehearsals then."

"No problem Edward. Is there anything else you need from me before I leave for the day?"

"No, that's it. Thanks for all your help today. Have a good day."

Angela walked out, and I started to worry about being alone with Bella later on. I was having a really hard time controlling my emotions over text messages with her. I really wanted to respect her, and my beliefs. To do that, I needed to be able to stay in control.

Please Lord, give me the strength I need to do what is right.

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**And please keep in mind - this story is more about Edwards fall from grace and having to sneak around - so no I never planned on having Edward and Bella chase each other for 10 chapters - we all know what happens - they end up together - its been done - a thousand times, and I wanted to do something different. Also, Edward doesn't think straight with Bella. Please keep that in mind.**

**Please review!! I will continue to give shout outs to my 200th and 250th review!! I got 60 reviews last chapter - help me get 100 with this one!! Come say Hello!!!**


	9. Chapter 8 Live for Today

**First I want to pimp out my girls Peachyblue and Ediesgirl118 are co-writing a story called **_**Where There's Smoke **_**under the penname NJNYTwiGals http://www(DOT)fanfiction(DOT)net/s/5366194/1/**

**I just started Nursing school so bare with me please! I plan to update once a week - I will try my best! **

**Jade and Keepingupwiththekids both beta'd this chapter - and I am so thankful for all the help, and really love that Keepingupwiththekids is willing to work with me!**

**Keepingupwiththekids also started a forum for this story!! So excited! I will posts teasers on it for everyone!! **

**http://www(DOT)twilighted(DOT)?f=44&t=6306**

**OH and I am writing some smut for a blog with Iadorepugs (Her story is A Stable Romance) The link to the blog is on my profile go check it out - it's a big collab all inspired by ROB!! **

**Proverbs 32-33/25-26 - are quoted in this Chapter**

**SM owns Twilight**

Chapter 8 BPOV - Live for Today

School was pretty good today. Why? Well, for one thing, I couldn't believe Edward went along with the sexy text messages I sent him during my lunch break. I was actually a little apprehensive to send them, because I wasn't sure if he would respond to them or not. So when he did, words weren't enough to express how happy and turned on I was. It also gave me a good opportunity to gauge his innocence factor. It gave me hope that I wouldn't miss my friend "O" for that long… Atleast I hope not.

I was walking a very fine line in my relationship with Edward. I knew he was most likely against sex before marriage, so I'm guessing that meant he might not be comfortable past second base. Foreplay was also not a guarantee either, since I wasn't sure if there were rules when it came to it. I also didn't know how I would seduce him or _**IF**_ I would be able to seduce him so to speak. I was afraid that he might get upset if I pushed the boundaries, and I wouldn't want that to happen.

I had many questions going on in my mind, regarding how far I can actually go with him. Would he get upset if I took my shirt off? What if I put my hands down his pants? Would he finger to me? Was oral sex considered sex? I mean, I know it's called oral sex, but isn't sex supposed to be like intercourse?

He said some of my requests could be arranged. I didn't know whether it was because there were rules or because of his lack of experience. I didn't want to ask what the rules were though. I figured the best way to find out was to take charge, push boundaries.

Another reason why I was so happy today was that he actually called me. I couldn't believe it when I answered my phone and heard his voice. I was with Jasper at that time, and our classes just ended. I remember him telling me he would call, but I figured guys never really call when they said they would . But then again, this was Edward we're talking about, and Edward was definitely not most guys.

It was a simple conversation, we exchanged hellos and I miss you's. He just told me he wanted to hear my voice, and Jasper teased me because I blushed. It's not like I can help it when the man's voice was oozing with sex.

I told him to meet me at ten o'clock because I didn't want to have to tell Renee I was going out. I would climb out my window when she's fell asleep.

When I got home, my mom was sitting at the kitchen table, highlighting her favorite lines in the Bible. I walked toward the refrigerator, when I noticed something that caught my eye. It was new proverb. It was one of my momsweekly holy activities.

Every week, she would always put a new one up on the chalkboard that hung next to the phone. As I took a looked at it, it quoted the verse from Proverbs 32 and 33.

For the waywardness of the simple will kill them,

and the complacency of fools will destroy them;

But whoever listens to me will live in safety and be at ease, without fear of harm.

I used to write shit underneath the proverbs she put on the chalkboard. Today, I had the urge to write something sarcastic, but Renee said I needed to stop mocking her.

She wrote a verse last week that said some crazy ass shit. I guess it was supposed to scare me into believing, make me fall on my knees and beg for forgiveness. I remember the verse clearly, It said:

Since you ignored all my advice and would not accept my rebuke,

I in turn will laugh at your disaster; I will mock when calamity overtakes you.

I told Renee that I would rather take my chances in the here and now. I would rather live for today. I don't want to look back ten or twenty years from now, wondering what might have been. I never want to end up like other people, whose lives were always put on hold, just because of their fears and worry for their future.

If Edward ever started quoting Bible verses to me, I think I might run and never look back... Or maybe not... Who am I kidding?

"How was your day?" My mother asked me as I opened up the fridge to grab some Red Bulls for me and Jasper.

"It was fine mom." I simply answered.

"You never got a chance to tell me how it went last night. Sit down! I want to hear all about it!" Renee exclaimed, motioning for me to sit in the empty chair next to her.

I took my seat , looking completely uninterested and replied, "I really don't know what you expect me to tell you, mom." Did she want me tell her about how fuck-hot Edward was last night? How he made me wet the second his lips touched mine? Or how about, how I entertained him with sexy text messages this afternoon.

"Well, did Edward's band play any songs you liked?" Renee began her interrogation.

"Actually, they did play a song or two from mainstream radio. He is very talented." I sincerely replied. Next question please.

"Did he say any inspirational messages for you and the other kids? Did you learn anything about God's love?"

"Umm…" I tapped my finger on my jaw, looking as if I were seriously thinking. "I learned how the devil corrupts the innocent and perverts the world." I answered, my voice dripping with sarcasm. I knew Renee hated it when I said shit like that. But it's the only thing I can do to get through a conversation with her.

"Bella, I really pray that you drop that type of humor. That is the devil working in you. It's making you mock the Lord." I couldn't help but laugh a little. My mom's face and tone of voice however, showed how un-amused she was.

"Calm down Mom, I was just trying to be funny. Where's your sense of humor? It's not like Edward talked to us for very long. He just said some stuff about faith and the wind, I don't know." I told her with a shrug. I could never tell her I hung on Edward's words, his hands, his jaw, his hair, his ass…

Oh. Dear. God… Those ass cheeks.

"Well, do you like Edward? He seems like he really cares and relates to all the teens at the church. I hope you show him more respect about his faith than you do to me." Renee asked me.

"Mom, I told you I would be good and respectful, and I have been." In the sense she wanted me to, anyway.

"He is awfully handsome, don't you think?" Aha! I knew that voice. That was the voice she'd always use to fish for information. She was attempting to spy without seeming like it.

"Mom, are you asking me if I have a crush on Edward Cullen?" I acted disgusted by the notion.

"Don't all the girls?" Jasper chimed in from the living room.

Thanks Jasper, now shut the fuck up, thank you very much!

"I guess a few of the girls from the youth group like him. I'm not one of them though." I said with a shrug. I felt really awful speaking those words aloud. It was a complete lie, and my heart somewhat ached that I couldn't speak the truth.

"Well, I really hope Edward becomes someone you can trust and respect Bella. It will be good for you to have an adult whom you could talk to about things. Obviously, there are some things that you don't feel comfortable discussing with me. I hope Edward can help you with that."

You mean like sex? Sure! I'd be happy to talk about those things with him! In fact, I'd be

more than happy to do it with him too!

"Right mom, we'll see what happens." I told her as I stood up to go join Jasper on the couch. He smirked at me, and I rolled my eyes. I could see that he was in the mood to tease me, but I told him not to say a word, not about Edward, and not about the loony things that fell from my mother's lips. As usual, he listened.

Jasper stayed and had dinner at the house. After eating, we watched the Cable Guy, while Renee cleaned the dishes. It was our favorite movie, and I crack up every time we watched it.

Just like I knew she would, Renee said goodnight at nine o'clock sharp. As soon as she closed her door, I immediately ran to my room, and got changed to meet Edward.

I really wanted to look hot, but I also didn't want to look trashy or like I was trying too hard. I decided to put on a short denim skirt, white t-shirt that was almost as long as the skirt, and a short black jacket. Since it was November and cold out, I put on my charcoal knit woven Uggs. I knew I might get a little chilly, but I didn't really care. The convenience of a skirt outweighed the inconvenience of the cold. Better yet, white shirt plus cold air equal hot nipples. I needed all the help I could get. As for my make up, I normally don't wear that much, but I put on some eyeliner and lip-gloss.

I did some last minute touches, and assessed myself in front of the mirror. When I thought I looked hot enough, I went back to the living room again. I did a spin in front of Jasper, and asked him how I looked. He responded with a devious smirk.

"I don't know, come here so I can get a closer look." I rolled my eyes, but went along with his request. I walked over to him and stood between his legs with my arms crossed.

"Is this close enough?" I asked him sarcastically. He put his hands on my hips and yanked me closer to him.

"B, you look hot as shit. If I wasn't such a gentleman, I would've shoved this little skirt up, ripped your panties off and bent you over the couch so I could fuck you silly." I was a bit turned on and a bit annoyed by what he said. I shoved him playfully, and told him to keep his dick in his pants. He just laughed.

He stood up off the couch, and gave me a goodbye hug. "Be good Bella."

"Trust me Jasper, I will be good." He grinned at me, knowing full well that my words had a double implication.

"Good night Jazz." I softly whispered in his ear, and gave him a kiss on the cheek after. I walked back to my room so I could climb out my window like some thief in the night.

I got in my beat up truck and began to drive to meet Edward. I pulled onto the pretty much deserted road in Lynn. It was dark since the Amish don't use electricity. I spotted Edwards silver Volvo, and pulled up behind him. He got out of his car and rushed to my door. He opened it for me, and extended his hand to help me out of my ancient truck.

Once again, it's time to put "Operation Seduce Mr. Innocent" in full effect!

"Hi," I said kind of shy and breathy, and trying to sound innocent yet seductive.

"Bella," he acknowledged me, pulling me down.

I moved my body as close as I could to him, and let my skirt ride up a little to tease him a bit. When my feet hit the ground, I adjusted my skirt and looked up at Edward. His eyes were dark, and I could see they were full of lust. Our faces were inches apart, and I could feel his breath on my skin. He leaned down, and kissed me innocently on the lips.

He looked beautiful as always. Jeans falling off his hips slightly, unbuttoned blue button down shirt, and a t-shirt underneath. I couldn't see his sex hair tonight as he had it hidden beneath a black beanie. Though I would have to admit, the hat was as sexy as his hair. He scratched the back of his neck, and stepped back a little bit examining me.

"You….um…." I could tell he wanted to tell me I looked hot or something, but was having a hard time finding the words. For someone who can say a lot about God, he sure has a hard time saying how good I look.

"So do you." I told him, letting him know I understood exactly what he was having trouble saying.

He nodded at me and took my hand. He led me to the passenger side of his car, and opened the door for me. As I got inside, I bent a little lower than I should, hoping he would notice my panties. Once I sat down and got comfortable, I looked up at him to give him a smile, and knew it was a success. His mouth was open, and his eyes were almost dark and it was filled with lust. He recovered a few seconds after, and closed the door for me. It was odd. I've never had anyone do that kind of stuff for me.

Edward climbed in the car, started it, and began pulling onto the empty road. I really didn't know what the game plan was or where we were going to go. I would follow Edward wherever he would take me, but I still wanted to know.

"So where are you taking me?" I asked him.

"I figured we could go back to my house."

What the hell?!

He said it casually as if there was nothing wrong about that statement.

Well this was starting to look bleak . I was sure he lived at home with his mom so I never thought he would take me there. As much as I would love to get "jiggy" with him, I would never do it with his mom there. Was he purposely cockblocking himself?

"Your mom doesn't mind?" I questioned him, trying to figure out what the night may or may not have in store for us.

"Actually, my mom is a Nurse, and she is working the graveyard shift tonight." As soon as I heard what he said, I was filled with hope again.

Halleluiah! Thank you, Lord Jesus!

"So it's only going to be us?" I hoped my excitement didn't come through in my voice. I didn't want to come across too eager.

"If you're not comfortable being alone with me…" He obviously didn't recognize my eagerness, because he took it the other way around. I cut him off right away.

"No, its fine. I was just curious." I reassured him.

Edwards's house was down a long driveway and the neighbor's houses were all pretty far away. It was a beautiful old house with a wraparound porch. It wasn't very big, but it looked very homey. It was all very country.

After Edward opened the door for me, he led me inside his house. He led me to the living room and offered me a glass of homemade ice tea, the only kind he would drink. It was actually very good.

"Mmmm" I moaned, after I took a sip. "This is good."

"Yea my mom made it for me…" He answered seeming tense. "Do you want to sit down?" Edward motioned toward the couch.

"Sure," I replied.

I took a seat on the couch, and placed my glass on the coffee table in front of me. Edward, on the other hand, sat down pretty much on the other end of the couch. I crossed my left leg over the right and looked at him seductively.

"I won't bite, I promise." I told him as I sucked gently on my bottom lip. I patted the spot next to me as Edward moved closer. I desperately needed him to kiss me. I didn't want to

just ask, so I put my seduction skills to good use.

"You have something…" I reached my hand to his face right by his lips and pretended to wipe away some imaginary dirt or food. I shifted my gaze away from his lips and looked into his eyes. I leaned closer to him, and let our lips touch gently again.

The kiss started out slow. It seemed as if we were exploring each other, and getting acquainted with each other's needs. A couple of seconds after, the kiss began to build. His hand found the back of my head, and he pulled me closer, kissing me much deeper than he ever had. I pushed my tongue into his mouth and nibbled a bit on his bottom lip. He surprised me a bit when he sucked my tongue gently for a few seconds. His hand left my hair and traveled to my waist. I broke the kiss and began kissing, licking and nibbling his neck. I shrugged my little jacket off, telling him I was hot while I bit gently on his earlobe. His skin tasted salty, and he still hadn't shaved so he was all scruffy. Man was it hot as fuck when his scruff would scrap gently against my cheek or lips. I moved back to his mouth and smiled against his lips as I started to pull him down on top of me.

Everything was so perfect… That was until he pulled back and stopped the kiss.

"Bella," he breathed heavily. "We have to slow down."

FUCK!

I wanted to argue with him, and tell him fuck with slowing down. I knew he wanted this just as much as I did. But I could see in his eyes that as much as he wanted this to continue, he really wanted us to slow down too.

"If that's what you want." I took a deep breath, and surrendered. I gave him a little frown and showed him my puppy dog eyes.

Edward reached up and took off his beanie. He tossed it on the table and began grabbing his hair. I was beginning to think it was a nervous habit of his. I wasn't sure how long we stayed quiet, but the second I heard him take a deep breath and stared again into my eyes, I could tell that something was bothering him.

"What's wrong? Is everything okay?" I asked him.

"Talk to me Bella. Tell me about Jasper." Edward wasn't asking me to talk about Jasper… He was telling me.

Dear God in Heaven, let this be okay.

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	10. Chapter 9 Hanging by a Moment

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**Stephanie Meyers owns Characters, I own story line and plot.**

Chapter 9

Hanging By A Moment

BPOV

"What do you want to know exactly?" I asked Edward, desperately hoping he wouldn't ask the same question I avoided over the phone last night.

"Bella I want to know how close you are with him….and what you guys do together. Edward trailed off, seeming to have a hard time finishing the sentence.

"We hang out." I state simply. I prayed to God that Edward would just leave it at that. Then he started pulling at his hair and I knew my prayer would be unanswered.

He took a deep breath and said, "Bella, when I kiss a girl, it's a big deal to me. For other people maybe it means nothing, but to me, it's a huge deal. I guess I would like to know where we stand. I am not blind or naive to think that what you have with Jasper is completely platonic."

God….I didn't want to talk. All I wanted to do in that moment was devour him. I wanted to feel every inch of him.

I leaned in to kiss him, hoping that once I did, he would forget all about the questions I dreaded answering and focus on us. Unfortunately, he pushed me back gently before my lips even touched his.

"Bella, please talk to me about this." He seemed to be getting a bit frustrated already.

"Fine Edward, what do you want to know?" I surrendered, not wanting to make him more upset then he already was.

"What role does Jasper Hale play in your life?"

"You really want to know the truth?" I was hoping one last time he would change his mind about getting all the facts.

"Yes," he replied nodding his head.

"Just remember you're the one who brought this up." I didn't really know where to start but I wanted to finally get this over with.

_Please God….let this be ok….. _

"Jasper knows me better then anyone. He is one of the very few people that I trust. He always knows what to say or do to make me laugh or calm me down. I don't ever have to tell him how I feel. He just always knows. Its like we are connected in some way. When I am happy, he is happy. When I am in pain, he is in pain."

It was the truth. Jasper and I really do seem to be connected in some way. We just….get each other.

"He is very protective of me, and he doesn't let anyone say shit about me." I looked up at Edward, and he looked a bit confused so I knew I was going to have to explain more thoroughly.

"He sounds like a really good friend." Edward said simply, not wanting to pressure me into talking about my year spent as the slutty new girl.

"Yea he is." I responded, praying Edward would finally drop it. Unfortunately, it seemed today was a day of unanswered prayers.

"What does he have to protect you from?" My stomach turned the minute the question left his lips.

"I am no angel Edward. Once upon a time, I didn't exactly make the best choices in life. When I first got to Winchester, Renee was pretty lax with me. She didn't question me at all about what I was doing or where I was going. When we moved here, I started dating this senior named James." I saw Edward tense when I said his name. I wondered why? I figured I would ask him why later.

"Well, James was fun. He took me to the best parties with the biggest kegs. He got the best….prescription pills and pot." I looked up to gage Edward's reaction to my admittance of bad girl extra-curricular activities. He didn't seem surprised. I suppose he knew James.

"James started to pressure me for sex. We hadn't been dating for very long, maybe a month and I 'gave it up' so to speak. He dumped me and never talked to me again after that. However, it did not stop him from telling the rest of the school." Now came the part I dreaded talking about.

"For a long time, all the girls at my school said nasty shit about me because all the guys gave me all their attention. I guess they were hoping for an easy lay after James told them stuff about me. At that point I figured I already did it, and I did sleep with a few random guys at parties and shit. I had to put up with a lot of unwanted grabs, slaps,….and sexual innuendos." I barely had the strength to finish my sentence. I could feel the tears pooling up in my eyes, threatening to spill over. I tried not to blink, to push them back as I continued rehashing my past in order to get to my present situation with Jasper.

"My life was a living in hell at school, until Jasper stepped in. Jasper is very popular at Winchester High. People listen to him and respected his friends. So when he took me under his wing, everyone stopped saying shitty things about me. They know better than to mess with one of his friends, especially me. He doesn't let anyone get away with calling me a slut or slapping my ass or whatever. I guess in a way, he saved me…" Edward reached up and wiped a tear that escaped.

"It's okay Bella, don't be upset. I'm not going to judge you ." Edward gave me a small smile that gave me the strength to finish.

"After my nightmare with James, I really didn't want a repeat of that incident. I didn't want to be the school slut that I let them make me. Jasper, he can't stand all the basketball groupies. They always follow him like lost puppies. So one day, Jasper and I thought it would be best for the both of us to just help each other out. You know like… fuck buddies..." I squeezed my eyes shut, not wanting to see Edward's reaction to the phrase we coined for each other. Let's face it though, there's no sugar coating casual sex.

When I finally opened my eyes Edward looked so stunned.

"Like I said Edward, I am no angel. I understand if you…." I didn't get the chance to finish because he cut me off.

"Can I ask why you and Jasper made the decision to be with each other like that? It's just that, I believe that sex is sacred and should be saved for marriage. But don't worry, I'm not here to preach to you . I just would like to… understand?" He asked me hesitantly.

"I like sex. Sex is fun. I wasn't raised in a Christian home, so for me, sex is just sex. I don't think there's anything extraordinary about it. I understand it's more to some people, but not to me. I don't really understand what the big deal is to NOT have sex. I do understand now, that it should be intimate, and it should be done with someone you trust and care about. Well, I do trust Jasper, and I care about him. I have no doubt in my mind that Jasper feels the same way about me too. We're just not in love. We do it because it's easy and it makes sense."

I can't believe I said that much in front of Edward. Did I really want to mess things up with him that bad? I realized it didn't matter. I really liked Edward. I didn't want him to want someone that wasn't me. I wanted him to like me for me, not some manufactured self I created to please him. I was still worried, I mean, I just told the guy that I have sex for fun. Now he must think that I'm just playing with him. What the hell is wrong with me!?

He didn't talk right away after I answered his questions. He just sat there at the end of the couch. He wasn't even looking at me. His eyes were glued on the floor, and his hands were messing with his hair. I was sure that he would want to end things between us after my revelation. There's no chance that a guy like him would ever want to be with someone like me.

A couple moments later, he finally broke the silence.

"When was the last time you and Jasper…?" He's has to be kidding me. Did he really want to know when the last time me and Jasper had sex?

I figured I could lie to him, and tell him that we hadn't done it in a long time. Only the thing was… I didn't want to lie to him.

"Not since we kissed." That was the best answer that I could come up with at that moment. It was a far better one than telling him that the last time was four days ago, when I gave Jasper a blow job … which by the way was also the day I first met him.

"Cause if we are going to do this Bella, I need to know you feel the same way as I do."

"And how do you feel, Edward?" I needed him to be more specific and clear about his feelings.

"Like I don't want to share you with anyone else..."

I think my heart may have skipped a beat after what I heard. For a moment there, I seriously thought that he didn't want me anymore. My heart was overjoyed with the knowledge that he still wanted me after what I told him about my past.

"I don't want to share you either…" I honestly told him as he pulled me against his chest. I looked up at him and smiled.

"Bella, I know that everything about this relationship of ours is complicated right now. The truth is I'm just hanging by the moment here. I'm scared of how this will end up for both of us. I don't know what I am diving into with you. I've never felt this way before. All I know is that I am getting in really deep, and I'm scared... But I'm willing to do it. I'm willing to dive in further to the unknown and risk everything for a chance of happiness with you. I just need to know if you're with me on this too."

"I'm in with you on this, Edward…" I sincerely whispered. He pulled me close into his chest again, and kissed my forehead.

Edward was right. Everything about our relationship was complicated. One way or another, there was a huge chance that something may go wrong. But like he said, I'm willing to risk it too. For the first time in my life, I would risk getting hurt just to be with Edward.

We didn't say anything after that. No words were needed to be said. After everything that we talked about, we needed the silence, and it was comforting. I stayed in his arms a few more minutes, listening to his breathing. The moment was perfect. It was as if we were in our own little bubble, and not a thing in the world could disrupt our happiness.

After what seemed to be like hours just sitting there in each other's arms, Edward finally decided to break the silence.

"Just so you know… you are an angel. You're _**MY**_angel." I couldn't help but laugh when I heard what he just said. Seriously? Did he really think that I was an angel? Wow. Was Edward blind? No, maybe he's just deaf. Because there was no way he just heard me, right? Did he not hear everything I told him?

"What?" he asked me. He must have noticed how confused I was.

"You do realize that you just called me an angel, right?" I told him.

"Yeah… So?" I seriously don't think he heard what I had said about being a slut.

"Did you hear everything I just said?"

"Yes Bella, I heard you. If that's why you don't think you're an angel, then you're wrong. I see right through you, Bella Swan. You act all tough on the outside to avoid getting hurt. But the truth is it's not entirely who you are. Even if you don't admit it, I know that you're kind, selfless and more fragile than you think you are. You're a beautiful person Bella… You're _**MY**_ angel…"

I couldn't control myself any longer. His words touched my heart and the urge to feel him was beginning to burn. I've been holding back since I saw him in his car earlier, but that was it. I'm through holding back. I can't resist him anymore.

I threw my leg over his lap so I was straddling him and began kissing him … hard. I opened my mouth a little bit more and gently pushed my tongue farther into his mouth, until the tip of my tongue met the tip of his. My tongue began to fight with his, and I heard him moan into my mouth. Edward took his lips off mine and for a second , I thought he wanted to stop again. But then I felt his lips in my skin again, only this time, he had gone lower. He began to nip and suck on my neck, and I couldn't help but moan from the intense feeling of his lips in my body. I sat up straighter pressing my boobs just below his face and he grunted.

I moved my mouth to his ear and nibbled a little bit as I whispered, "you make me so wet." I felt him go hard beneath me. I started rocking slowly against his hardness. With each rock of my hips, I would moan and so did he. His hands were on my hips and as he brought one up to the back of my neck, he's hand grazed the side of my breast. I gasped and came back down to attack his mouth. I pulled away and began to remove my shirt.

"Bella, what are you doing?" Edward asked, breathing heavily, as he brought my shirt back down glancing at my exposed stomach and breast. "It's not that I am against seeing your boobs. I do want to see them. I just don't want to rush things."

"I understand." I told him as I rocked my hips against his dick again and laid soft kisses along his jaw.

I honestly wanted us to go much further. Once again, I didn't want to force him and make him feel uncomfortable. Besides, what we did tonight was already far more than I expected.

Something must have caught his attention because he grabbed my hips and held me steady.

"Angel, what's this?" Edward asked as he pulled my shirt up, exposing a tiny bit of the tattoo I had gotten a few months ago.

A quote that fit me well and brought a smile to my face. It started low on my left pelvic bone and ended on the right pelvic bone. It wasn't very wide, just long, and low enough to hide when I wanted it to stay hidden from Renee. God knows that if she ever found out that I got a tattoo, she'd definitely go ape shit on me. If I had the right jeans or bikini bottoms, it pops out a little.

Edward ran his fingers along the quote, reading it aloud, _"You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music." _

He looked up at me with his "what the fuck?" look. Well, I know he wasn't thinking, "what the fuck?" But, I don't know the right word he would use to replace "fuck." _Hell? _No_. Heck? _Yeah, that's definitely a more appropriate word he would use. His, "what the heck" look.

"What? That shit is funny and true!" I said a little louder then I meant too.

"I must admit it is pretty sexy…"

"So sexy is in your vocabulary. I was beginning to wonder!" I joked with him.

"Tell me about it?" He asked.

"Well, one day, Jasper and I were watching The Cable Guy while smoking a bunch of pot. One funny thing about Jasper is that he gets all-philosophical and shit when he smokes. So they said that line, and we just started this huge discussion on taking chances and not being afraid of uncertainties. In real life, there's no warning music. You just have to jump, and take the chance." As I was speaking, I let my hands wonder to his chest. It felt so strong, and I could feel some definition. I felt myself getting wetter.

"Anyway…" I continued, trying to stay on track. "...thirty minutes later, we just started busting out laughing that we related so well to this line. Jasper had always wanted a tattoo, and since we do everything together, I went with him, and I got this. It makes me smile because it represents my attitude and reminds me of my best friend."

"It suits you." He admitted simply. "This tattoo shop was safe and clean right?" He asked concerned.

"Of course, Edward. I had to pull out my best fake ID." I told him proudly.

"I should have known you had a fake ID." I just shrugged my shoulders, and ran my fingers through his messy hair and down his chest.

"What do you normally do on a Friday night?" I asked him.

"Are you trying to ask me if I have plans tomorrow, Angel?"

"Yeah, I guess I am."

"I have plans, but I can cancel if you want." I was somewhat disappointed when I heard that I couldn't spend Friday night with him. But since I didn't want him to cancel his plans because of me, I tried my best to hide it.

"It's cool. What are you doing?"

Edward rubbed my arms soothingly and kissed my nose.

"If you want, you could probably join me. I'm not really comfortable bringing a minor into a bar, but I am thinking it wouldn't be your first trip inside one… am I right?"

"Yes, you are," I stated. "I didn't expect you to be the type of guy to frequent bars."

"I don't, really. I only go when I am invited by my buddy, Robby."

"Why do you go for him?" I inquired.

"After I graduated high school, I spent my summer in England. While I was there, I met Robby. We really hit it off since we had the same interests, and we had a lot of fun jamming together. When I left, we kept in touch, exchanging emails and phone calls every now and then. He has been coming to the States to do some touring around bars and stuff. I told him I would go see him. He is very talented."

"Do you drink?" I asked him, because this boy was just full of surprises.

"I have a beer or two. I have never been drunk before though. I don't think it's a sin to have a glass of wine or a beer, just not in excess… There won't be anyone really there that knows me as Edward Cullen, Christian rocker, so you could come with me…"It sounded like he thought I might actually say no to him! Was he crazy?!

"You don't have to ask Edward. I'd love to go." I told him, smiling big.

"Great then, I'll pick you up around eight?"

"Sure! That'll be great." I said, a bit too eager.

I was excited already. I couldn't wait to spend Friday night with Edward… alone. Jasper said he had plans tomorrow and Renee had plans as well. That means Edward and me could come to my place afterwards, and we can have it all to ourselves. Plus, the thought of Edward in a bar excited me as well.

"It's getting late babe. Don't you have to get up early for school?"

I looked at my watch, and saw that it was almost midnight. I still could go home at this time, but I'd really rather much stay with Edward.

"I do, but I would rather stay with you. Can I stay?' I asked him with my puppy dog eyes,

adding a, "pretty please?"

"I can't deny you anything Bella," Edward admitted. The boy was wrapped around my finger already. "Thanks babe!" I said excitedly as I got off his lap. "I already have to sneak in anyway. Does it really matter if it's at one in the morning or six in the morning?" I asked.

"I guess not. But I don't really feel comfortable about sleeping in a bed together, which is why you can have my bed and I…. "

_Hell no! _

I didn't let him finish anymore because there was no way I would sleep in his bed alone without him in it.

"Fine… You don't want to share a bed? We can share the couch." I stated in a way that showed he shouldn't argue with me. But since I wasn't sure if that was enough, I pulled the sympathy card on him.

"We're just gonna sleep, Edward. I promise you. We won't do anything that you're not comfortable with. I just want to feel you hold me. I've never really had a boy just hold me before…" It was true. It's not like Jasper and I cuddled after we fucked.

"Fine." Edward sighed, defeated. I didn't want to be apart from him. My feelings for him were too intense already, and that made me feel scared.

"I'm going to grab a pillow and blanket. My mom keeps some extra toothbrushes around here somewhere. I'll go grab one for you. You can use my bathroom to do your...girl stuff." He grabbed my hand and pulled me up the stairs. We went into his room, and I saw that it was really clean. It looked much than my own room.

Edward asked me to wait for him there since he went out to grab some pillows, blankets and a toothbrush. I took my time examining his room while he was gone. I walked around it, and saw that there was nothing really special about it. It was like the room of any normal guy. Except of course, there was a Bible in it. He had a few guitars hanging on the wall, and I ran my hand down one. Edward came back a few minutes after and handed me a brand new toothbrush.

He smirked at me and pointed me toward his bathroom. As I turned my back at him to walk away, something happened that I never thought was possible. Edward Cullen slapped my ass.

_Holy. Mother. Of. God! _

He slapped my ass. Mr. Innocent Edward Cullen just slapped my ass. I gasped and turned to him, clearly shocked at what he just did.

"Did you just slap my ass?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. It just looked so… good." He looked like he was a bit embarrassed. I smiled at him.

"So you're an ass man? I like ass men." I stated as I walked into the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and put the toothbrush in Edward's holder. I remained a few more minutes, fixing myself so I would look beautiful for Edward. We may just be sleeping tonight, but I still wanted to look gorgeous for him, even in my sleep.

When I walked outside after I was finished, I was caught off guard by what I saw. I found a shirtless god on the other side of the door. My face turned red when he pulled his t-shirt over his head.

_Thank you, God. _

"Sorry…" I mumbled. I wasn't sure if he'd be uncomfortable with me seeing him exposed.

"It's fine Bella. I do go swimming without a shirt on_**in**_ public, you know." He joked, giving me a crooked smile. He walked towards his dresser drawer, and grabbed a pair of boxers and a wife beater for me.

"Here are some clothes if you want to sleep in something more comfortable." He said, handling them to me.

"Thanks." I said as I sat on his bed, pulling off my boots. I stood back up and undid the buttons of my skirt. I knew Edward would be uncomfortable, but if I ever wanted to have sex with him, I would have to be a bit more aggressive.

I let the skirt fall to the ground and stepped into his boxers, trying my best to look sexy while doing it. I took a glance at Edward who looked so torn, and he began to go "uh" and "um." I could tell he was trying to look away, and he hated that he couldn't find the will to remove his eyes from my strip tease.

"It's fine Edward. It's pretty much what I wear swimming _**in**_ public, you know." I told him in the hopes of calming his guilt for watching me undress.

I was wearing white boy short underwear with black lace around the bottom. I pulled my shirt over my head, and Edward got to see the rest of my bra. I didn't want to give the boy a heart attack so I pulled on his white wife beater first, and then removed my bra. He shook his head and mumbled something about being the death of him.

He grabbed the pillow and blanket, and led me downstairs. It was a little after midnight so I set the alarm on my cell phone for five o'clock in the morning, giving me plenty of time to sneak back in through my window before Renee woke up seven o'clock.

Edward tossed the pillow on the couch, and lay down on his side back against the couch. I climbed in and snuggled close to him. He kissed my lips and my nose, while he pushed some hair off my face. I helped him pull the blanket over us, and I wrapped my leg over his hip.

"Good night Angel" Edward whispered, giving me one last kiss on my forehead.

"Good night" I said back as I inhaled my new favorite scent.

_Maybe I was wrong after all… Maybe today was a day of answered prayers… _

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	11. Chapter 10 Let Me Sign

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Chapter 10: My Let Me Sign

BPOV

"So B, what kind of trouble are we getting ourselves into tonight?" Jasper asked me as we exited the school.

Oh, Fuck! I totally forgot to tell him that I had plans with Edward later. I didn't have the chance to fill him in on my night spent with Edward because we unexpectedly got busy with schoolwork. It slipped my mind. I suddenly felt bad because I felt like I was going to ditch him or leave him hanging all alone on a Friday night.

We always got together on Friday nights.

"Shit Jazz! I'm sorry, but I forgot to tell you... I'm hanging out with Edward tonight." I looked up at him apologetically. I didn't want him to feel like he was no longer important to me just because he and I weren't fucking anymore. Jasper would always be an integral part of my life.

"It's cool B… I see how it is... As soon as some new guy comes in and sweeps you off your feet, you ditch your friends…" He acted as if he was really hurt. He used his puppy dog eyes on me, and placed his hand in his chest as if he was hurting inside. I could tell that he was just joking, so I laughed at him. A couple of seconds later he laughed and told me not to worry about it.

"So what are you plans for tonight with Edward?" he inquired.

"Funny actually, he is taking me to this bar in Indy to see his friend from England play."

"A bar?" Jasper questioned, raising his eyebrows. "Edward Cullen goes to bars? And he is bringing his underage girlfriend with him? Wow B, you sure know how to fuck with the man. Who would have thought that Mr. Innocent-Virgin Edward Cullen goes to bars? I gotta hand it to you, B. You're doing a fine job corrupting the man." Jasper stated as he clapped his hands for me as if he was praising me. He was getting it all wrong. Well, maybe not all of it.

"It's not like that, Jazz!. Oh, and please don't call me his girlfriend because I hate that term! So don't say that shit about me or too me! Got it?!" I told him in a huff.

"Whoa! Alright! Calm down B... Alice actually asked me if I wanted to hang out with her tonight. I still haven't said yes because I thought we had plans. But since you're spending tonight with Edward, I will give her a call…" Jasper trailed off.

"Alice asked you to hang out with her tonight?"

"Uh huh," he replied, nodding his head.

"Did you put the moves on her yet? Work your magic on her?" I asked him shoving him gently with my shoulder as we continued to walk.

"I did. But it didn't work." Jasper sighed, looking defeated.

"What do you mean, it didn't work? What happened?"

"She doesn't like that we hook up… or should I say, 'hooked' up."

"How the fuck did she find out about that?" Somehow, I knew that Alice knew about me and Jasper being friends with benefits. Alice never asked us outright about it, and we never told her.

"Cause I tried to put the moves on her B, and she called me out on it! I do want to be with

her, but I couldn't start a relationship with her based on lies. So when she asked about us, I told her the truth."

"You told her the truth about us?"

"Yes. But don't worry. It's not like she's going to go run her mouth about it. She cares a lot about you. That's why she doesn't want us to hook up. She doesn't want to upset you or some shit. She doesn't want you to get mad at her for taking the benefits out of our friendship. She's pretty fucking insistent." Jasper explained.

"Did you tell her that I didn't care? That we aren't fucking anymore?" I questioned him. I felt terrible because I was the reason that was keeping Jasper from getting his dream girl.

"I can't B. Even if I do tell her that we're not fuck buddies anymore, you and I both know that we only stopped because you met Edward. I can't tell her that shit. She might think that I'm just using her as a rebound. What if Edward never came along? Do you think we would have stopped?" Jasper put his arm around my shoulder as we continued our walk home from school. He acted as if he wasn't hurt and that it didn't bother him. But I knew better.

"I'm sorry Jazz," I whispered to him.

I completely understand why Alice didn't want to get caught up in some love triangle. But that's the thing, there's no love triangle. Jasper and I were never in love in the first place. We only saw each other as friends with benefits and nothing more.

For Jasper, it has always been Alice. He's been in love with her ever since I could remember, and she had no clue about any of it. I wish I could explain to her the entire situation, but I couldn't risk telling her. Even if it was for Jasper. I felt so guilty about it. Had I known that our arrangement would be a problem for Jasper to get Alice, I would've stopped it a long time ago.

"It's cool B. Don't worry about me. I'm just going to work on being her friend for now. That's enough for me. Maybe with time, she'll finally change her mind and accept me and our past."

"It will work out Jazz. I have faith." I stopped in my tracks and looked up at him to emphasize my point. When it came to Jasper, I do believe that things would turn out okay for him. He deserved that much.

"Thanks, B. I appreciate it. Now let's go get you home so you can prepare for your date tonight." He wrapped his arms around me once again and walked me home. At that moment, I promised myself that I would do everything in my power to make him happy...as happy as I was with Edward.

Thank God, Renee went with Phil to his game in Ohio. They won't be back till Saturday night so that means I wouldn't have to sneak in or out this weekend. Just like last time, we decided to meet at five in Amish Land. Five was early, but it took an hour to drive to Indy and Edward wanted to get dinner before the show at eight. Jasper was kind enough to drop me off before he went to Alice's so I wouldn't have to leave the truck there all night.

I put on my hottest black heels that cuffed around my ankles. I decided to wear a black and white checkered tube top dress that was belted under my breasts. The dress was pretty short and it fell to my mid thigh. I did the smoky eye makeup thing and grabbed my black and grey coach bag. I walked out of my bedroom, my heels clicking against the hardwood floors, and Jasper whistled at me.

"Damn, B. Edward's gonna have a hard-on all night. What are you trying to do, kill the boy? Death by blue balls?" Jasper joked.

"Jazz, shut up! Take me to Amish Land now," I insisted.

As we were heading out of the house, Jasper grabbed my little leather jacket on the couch and handed it to me.

"You better wear this or you might get cold." Jasper said in a protective tone.

"Jazz, I don't want to cover up." I told him, refusing the jacket. He huffed but brought the jacket anyway.

We got to Keim's Market a few minutes earlier than the agreed time, and Edward wasn't there yet. I told Jasper that he could go already, and I was fine waiting there by myself. I didn't want him to be late meeting Alice. However, he insisted on staying with me, until Edward came.

As Jasper and I waited inside the car, we talked mainly about his plans with Alice. I really did hope that she would give Jasper a chance because she doesn't know what she's missing. I'm not talking just about sex either.

Jasper is a great guy. He is nice, smart, funny, handsome, protective and genuine. Any woman would be lucky to have him. It's not fair that I get to be all-happy with Edward, while Jasper was in pain. He deserves happiness.

We were lost in our conversation until we heard a car pulling up behind us. I looked at the back and saw that it was Edward. I was about to say goodbye to Jasper and hop out of the car on my own, when he surprised me by getting out of the car too. When we were both out, he stood beside me and walked with me towards Edward. It actually looked like he was my father, handing me off or some shit. It was a bit weird to say the least.

Fuck me! Edward looked amazing. He had black plants on with sexspenders hanging down, and a ratty looking t-shirt. He had to pull his pants up a little as he approached us because they were falling off his hips. I swear my breath hitched and my panties got wet when I saw a little of his treasure trail.

"Jasper," Edward said as he nodded to my best friend and extended his hand for him to shake.

"Hey Edward," Jasper responded coolly. I rocked a little on my feet not knowing how to act between two of the most important men in my life. I wanted to run to Edward and give him a hug. But I also wanted to hug Jasper goodbye. It was all surreal.

"Be good B," Jasper directed towards me. It was becoming his new favorite thing to say when I went out without him.

"Of course, Jazz." I told him as I reached over to hug him. I glanced at Edward and saw that he was looking down at the ground. When I pulled away from the hug, Jasper kissed the top of my head, and I turned to walk to Edward.

"Hello," Edward whispered sweetly. He gave me a big smile and pulled me into a bone-crushing hug that lifted my feet off the ground. I also heard him whisper in my ear how sexy I looked.

Jasper cleared his throat as Edward returned my feet to the ground.

"Take good care of her man. I'd hate to have to kick some worship leader's ass." It seemed that he was kidding around, but I could tell that he was dead serious. He was always protective of me, and he would kill anyone who hurt me.

"I won't let her out of my sight." Edward responded, his eyes never leaving mine.

"Here" Jasper said holding out my jacket. She refuses to wear it but just in-case." Edward reached out and took the jacket and we thanked him.

Jasper waved good-bye, while Edward wrapped his arms around my waist and helped me into his stupid shiny Volvo.

"Jasper was um… staring at your um….bum?" Edward questioned uneasily. I guess he felt stupid saying butt or bottom, and he didn't curse so he wouldn't say ass like me.

"Jasper was staring at my ass?"

"Yeah, does he have to do that? I don't really feel comfortable with him doing that." Edward admitted. I thought it was sweet that he was jealous.

"Well babe, Jasper IS a guy, and IS an ass man like you," I stated. I wouldn't tell him how Jaspers favorite way to fuck me was doggy style.

"Really, though, don't be jealous. I told you, I only have eyes for you." I reassured him as he brought his hand to my knee. I placed my hand over it and gave it a little squeeze.

Edward could do the simplest things to get my panties wet. Just having his hand on my knee made me think about sliding it up my thigh to encourage him to explore my pussy. I figured we had an hour drive, so I had some time to start moving it slowly.

As he drove, he told me about his friends and family at the church. He told me he was getting ready to start rehearsing for the Christmas Eve Concert and had to meet with the female vocalist the following day before the meal. He also mentioned how excited he was to see me tomorrow and to not have to lie about where he was going or who he was with to his friends and family.

He said it was hard keeping it from his best friend Emmett.

While he was talking, I moved his hand up my thigh, when it reached the hemline of my dress his hand froze. He glanced down at it, and he looked at me with his "what the heck" look. I smiled suggestively at him.

"What are you doing?" Edward asked looking puzzled.

"I was hoping I could get some release from you. Remember what I asked you to do to me the other day?" I asked innocently.

"How could I forget?" Edward sighed. "Bella, I really would love nothing more than to do the things you want me to do with you. I am a man, and I do get horny. Actually, I AM horny. You're beautiful, sexy, and I really have a hard time controlling myself around you. But we need to have control." He stated rubbing his hand up and down my thigh reassuringly.

"Its fine, I understand." I told him as I looked out the window, crossing my arms over my chest. I decided to ignore him a little. I know I'm a bitch and a whiny one at, I can't help it.

"Angel… Don't be mad…" Edward pleaded with me.

"Don't worry Edward, it's fine. I'll figure out a way to release all this sexual frustration." I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth. I felt Edward's hands stiffen, and realized how it must've sounded to him. Fuck!

"Bella, I thought we agreed we weren't going to see other people. You can't just go and mess around with Jasper just because he is willing to give you

the release that I am not ready to give." The tone in Edward's voice told me he was upset. I could tell that he was frustrated. I had to make this right. I didn't want to lose his trust.

"Edward, I'm not talking about Jasper. I told you that since we kissed, nothing has happened between us. I was implying that I would use MY fingers if you won't do it, which by the way I would prefer. I promise you Edward, Jasper and I are nothing more then friends. I need you to trust me on that." I assured him as I looked at him straight in the eyes so that he would know that I wasn't lying.

He seemed to have believed me because he calmed down and his hands relaxed.

"I'll do it to Bella, I promise. I do want to make you feel good. But I want to do it when the time is right and not on our second date." Edward told me soothingly.

"Promise?" I asked him, batting my eyelashes at him.

"I said I promised didn't I?" He questioned me back. I didn't want to spoil our night so I didn't bring the issue up again or push his limits during the rest of the night.

We found a nice Italian place a couple of minutes after, and decided to eat there. The food was great, except for the fact that all the waitresses inside were ogling at my man during our entire dinner. Edward, on the other hand, seemed to be completely oblivious of the effect he had on those women. During the entire dinner, he didn't look at anyone except me, which made me happy.

After we were done with dinner, we headed out to the bar. As soon as we stepped out of the car, he strode over to me, and pulled me out of the car. I paused and looked at his face. His eyes were burning with a lust and desire that I had never seen before.

I was about to ask him if there was anything wrong, when he took another step closer to me, closing the distance between us instantly. He wrapped his arms around my waist, pressed me up against his Volvo and started to kiss me hard. I had no clue what brought this on, but I was not going to complain.

I moved my arms around his neck and pulled him closer to me. I felt how hard he was. I started to giggle a little, remembering Jasper's words about him having a hard-on all night. He pulled away slightly and kissed my neck. He began sucking my earlobe, and I couldn't suppress the moan that escaped my lips.

"You really shouldn't have worn that here, Angel." Edward breathed heavily in my ear.

"And why is that?" I whispered to him, barely having the strength to form coherent sentences at that point.

"Instead of enjoying my time with my friend, I'm gonna be glaring at drunk idiots all night while they check out my girlfriend."

"Thou shall not covet..." I said back to Edward. "It's a sin to covet another person's… person." I joked with Edward. He pulled away and laughed at my joke.

He took my hand and led me into the bar. I wasn't surprised when they didn't card me, but they did card Edward.

When we got inside, I was shocked when I saw that the place was packed. I actually thought that there'd only be a few people in here, but I was wrong. I wondered why so many people were in here, and why most of them were women.

"I can't wait for you to meet Robby." Edward told me excitedly.

"I can't wait to meet him either." I really couldn't wait to meet him. I wanted to know why Edward spoke so highly of him.

"Oh, there he is!" Edward pointed out his friend.

"Edward!" The hot British boy named Robby yelled when he saw us.

He rushed over and gave Edward a manly hug. His hair was brown and hung in his face. He moved it a lot like Edward did too. He was about the same height as Edward, but slightly more built. I'd say that he was almost as fuckhot as Edward, but if you ask me on a scale of one to Edward? He was a nine.

"Who's this lovely lady?" He asked as he took my hand and kissed it.

"Robby, this is my girlfriend, Bella. Bella, this is my other best friend, Robby." Edward introduced us.

"Nice to meet you," I said.

"You know Bella, if this boy is too tame for you, I can always show you a good time" Robby joked, teasing Edward more than hitting on me.

"Hey now!" Edward defended pulling me into his side. "I don't have to be wild to show Bella a good time. Isn't that right, Angel?" Edward asked looking down at me.

"Edward is actually full of surprises. Good or bad, it doesn't matter to me. He has magic fingers." I said suggestively. I had no clue if I was right or not, but I planned on finding out soon enough.

"Did she just say that?" Robby questioned, stunned by my bluntness.

"That's what she said," I answered him back. Edward laughed and gave a shrug, giving me the "what the heck" look. It was really such a cute face. I loved it when the things I said or did caused that look.

"She's a feisty one, Edward. Are you sure you can handle her?" Robby joked with him.

"Please, don't worry about me." Edward responded.

Just then, a few girls approached us, asking if Robby would take pictures with them. I had never heard of him before, but obviously all the other women in the bar had. When I asked Edward, he explained that one of his songs was featured in some movie about vampires that had a big following, and it really helped with his career. Put him on the map.

After they left, Robby said he had to get ready to go on and asked his manager Garrett to grab us a few beers. I only drank Corona with a lime, but felt odd making that request so I sucked it up when Garrett handed me Heineken.

As soon as Robby started singing, I finally understood why Edward spoke so highly of him. He was really good. He sounded like Bob Dylan or Jeff Buckley. He sang with his guitar and sometimes used a harmonica. His voice was soulful. The ladies in the bar were really taken with him. They would occasionally clap their hands during and in between his songs. They giggled a lot like school girls too.

Edward didn't have any more beers after his first one. I, on the other hand, didn't refuse any of the ones Garrett brought to me. After my third round, I felt like I was drunk already. I was quite surprised though with how Edward was taking it. He didn't ask me to quit or stop drinking. Instead, he wrapped his arms around me from behind. At that point, I didn't know if I got more intoxicated because of the alcohol or because of his breathtaking scent. I closed my eyes to feel more of him. I heard him sing some of the words to Robby's song as we swayed to the music. It was pure bliss.

The next thing I knew, Robby was saying that his good friend was going to come up and sing a song. I looked at him surprised, and he smirked as he took the stage.

People clapped for him as he took Robby's guitar. He approached the mike and said, "Good evening everyone. I wrote this song a few days ago, and Robby was kind enough to let me come up and sing it for my Bella." I had no idea he had been planning this.

I couldn't keep the stupid grin off my face as Edward began to play.

_Standing there by the broken tree _

_Her hands were all twisted and she was pointing at me _

_I was damned by the light coming out of her eyes _

_She spoke with a voice that disrupted the sky _

_She said "Walk on over yeah to the bitter shade, _

_I will wrap you in my arms and you will know you've been saved _

_Let me Sign, Let me Sign, _

_Can't fight the devil so just let me sign. _

As I listened to the lyrics of the song, I was stunned that Edward was singing such a dark piece. It was different from all the other songs I've heard him sing before. All the while in church, he was singing songs that tell everyone to have faith and hope in God. Now, he's singing a song about surrendering to the devil. It didn't seem like him.

I'm not saying that it didn't fit him. Edward could sing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Stars" and I wouldn't give a damn. And I admit that it was the hottest song I've ever heard him sing. It's just that this was a side of him that I didn't know. He sounded so much different from when I first heard him sing in church. I couldn't wait to ask him questions about the song.

As always, Edward looked stunning up on the stage. The way he strummed the strings in his guitar as he sang, the song was overwhelming. I was in awe of him. The way he looked at me also took my breath away. His eyes never left mine the entire time he was singing. He was looking at me as if I was the most precious thing in the world My heart filled with happiness, and blush overtook my cheeks. I wanted so much for this evening to be over so that I could finally take him home with me and have my way with him.

Edward finished the song and everyone applauded for him. As soon as he came down from the stage, I literally ran over to him wasting no time. I immediately pulled him into a dark corner, shoved him against the wall and kissed him aggressively. Although I hardly doubt that anyone could see us, I didn't care if they did.

He lifted me up from the floor never breaking the kiss, and I wrapped my legs around his waist. I could hardly contain my excitement when he lifted me up by my ass and left his hands there. He spun us around so I was now the one pressed up against the wall. I felt how excited he was, and it made me even wetter. He kissed me hungrily, and I felt him push his tongue into my mouth. I opened it further to give him better access. The taste of him made my knees weak. If he wasn't holding me right now, I would have fallen to the floor.

As he gripped my ass, I moaned. He broke away from our kiss and started to nibble at my neck and shoulders. I might have moaned louder than I should, but I didn't care if anyone heard me.

He eventually pulled away slightly, breathing heavily.

"That was the hottest, sexiest song I have ever heard. You wrote that?" I panted.

"Uh huh…" Edward said as he continued kissing my collarbone. Actually, I thought it was more of a moan, rather than an answer. But who cares? I loved the feeling of his lips in my skin.

Once again, just as any other perfect moment of ours, it had to get ruined. Garrett interrupted us by handing me another beer. I swear I would have killed him if I could have. Didn't he see that we were busy?

I untangled from Edward and grabbed the beer.

"Thanks Garrett…" I said sarcastically.

"No problem sugar," he said laughing. We walked back out toward the stage and Edward said he had to use the bathroom.

"Keep an eye on Bella for me?" Edward asked Garrett.

"Sure Mate," Garrett responded.

"I don't need a babysitter Edward," I said, quite annoyed. I can take care of myself. I'd been doing it for the past sixteen years.

"No one said you did Angel, but these men in here do." Edward said as he kissed my cheek and turned to walk to the bathroom.

I turned to see Garrett several feet away from me, flirting with some Cougar. I laughed. That's what Edward gets for asking a drunken Brit to watch his drunken "person".

I took a swig of my beer and immediately stiffened when I felt someone walk up behind me. He smelled like whiskey and grease. I moved forward, but I could still feel his gross breath on the back of my neck following me.

"Let me take you home and fuck you with nothing but those shoes on," he whispered to me. I spun around disgusted.

This man was creepy. I wanted to say something rude or make fun of him, but my instincts told me not to make this drunken smelly asshole mad. You can never tell what drunken men were capable of doing.

"I'm sorry, I'm here with someone." I stated as I tried to make my way to Mike. I wasn't able to get far enough because the smelly asshole grabbed my arm to stop me. He spun me around to face him and pulled me close to his body.

"Aren't you supposed to buy a lady a drink before you force yourself on her?" I snared, no longer worried about pissing him off. The guy didn't flinch one bit.

"Let…..Me…..Go" I said with venom in my voice. I was starting to get scared, but I still put up a brave face. When he still didn't move an inch, I began to think of ways to get away from him.

Just then, my savior arrived.

He didn't speak. He just shoved the guy out back and punched him square in the face. The guy was so drunk so he immediately went down. Edward crouched down to him and spoke calmly yet harshly.

"You better pray to God that he kills you before I do, because with God as my witness, I swear if I EVER see your hands on my girl again, I won't hesitate to end your life." Edward stood up and took my arm dragging me over to Garrett.

"Garrett, I asked you to watch Bella! What the heck happened?!" I was still shook up a little but I couldn't help but smile when I heard Edward.

"Edward, I'm fine, really. Let's just say goodbye to Robby so you can take me home." I stumbled a little into Garrett, and Edward caught me.

Robby finished up his second set and came down to say goodnight to us. He gave both of us a hug, and Edward helped me walk to the car as I began tripping over my feet and his.

"Gosh Bella…" It was the first thing he said all night in reference to my drinking, and he sounded slightly annoyed. He helped me in the car, and I asked him to stop at the In and Out to get some burgers. Food was necessary after drinking.

"Bella, I'm really sorry about tonight… about punching that guy. That's not who I am. I really am not sure who I am when I'm around you. You really bring out all these emotions that I'm not used to, and I don't think I react in a Christian way." Edward confessed as he picked up my hand. He continued to speak, "Bella, in case you haven't noticed, I'm breaking all the rules now. I just took a minor into a bar and let her get drunk, I mauled you in a public place, and despite how wrong it was, I don't regret it one bit. I punched a guy and threatened to kill him if he ever touched you again, which was completely wrong of me to do despite what he did to you. I have lied to my friends for the first time in my life. I'm doing everything wrong right now, Bella. I'm doing things I promised myself I would never do. I'm doing things that are contrary to what was taught to me in church and at home.... Yet, I can't seem to feel guilty about it. For some reason, things have never felt so right for me." He held my gaze and traced his fingers over my face.

"Edward..." I wanted to say something. I wanted to tell him that I felt the exact same way, but he cut me off.

"If I tell anyone about us, they'll most probably say that what we have is wrong and it's not theirs to judge."

"Edward…." I didn't really know what to say. "I don't want you to change for me. I like you just how you are. I'm really sorry…." I stopped. I wasn't ready to admit to him or myself aloud that I brought out this bad side of him… a side he was ashamed to let others see.

"Don't be sorry, Angel. Everything that happened tonight was my fault. It was wrong of me to bring you to a bar even if it wasn't your first time. There's nothing for you to be sorry about. They were my mistakes."

"Edward, what was your song all about? What inspired you to write that song?I don't really get the whole can't fight the devil thing, it doesn't sound like you." I asked as I chewed some of my burger.

"The only person strong enough to fight the devil is God. I am just a man. Even if I have to go to hell for being with you in this life, I'd gladly take it... I would gladly sign my life over to the devil if it meant being with you."

"Don't say things like that Edward…its not you." I felt guilty enough for corrupting him.

"Angel, I don't believe for one second God would make me sacrifice my salvation for yours. He is a good and forgiving God. No matter how many times we fall, I'm sure He'll be there to pick us up. Besides, it's just a song." He assured me.

I just needed to be close to him. He just told me he wrote a song about me, and how he would trade his salvation for mine. It was a song about being deeply in love. My heart was melting.

"Take me home Edward, and make me feel good…?" I asked needing to show him how I felt, cause I wasn't sure how to tell him.

Please Dear Jesus, let me be close to him for the night.

* * *

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	12. Chapter 11Give me Your Eyes

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Chapter 11: Give Me Your Eyes

EPOV

I was disappointed with how I acted at the club tonight. It was out of character for me to say the least. I am usually calm, and composed no matter what the given situation was at hand... except when it came to Bella.

Bella was asking me to take her back to her house where we would be alone. I knew it was a bad idea, but I couldn't say no to her. I didn't want to go five minutes without her by my side.

When we got near Bella's house, I didnt think it wasn't a good idea for my car to be seen by her house. Bella directed me to a dark alley that was a few blocks away from her house.

When we got out of the car, she wasn't nearly as intoxicated. I was surprised she wasn't throwing up, seeing how much she drank. Then again, I didn't know what her tolerance was like.

We held hands as we trudged through her back yard. We made our way in her house through the back door that led into the kitchen.

As soon as we entered the house, Bella grabbed me by my shirt and started to kiss me. She started walking backwards and the next thing I know, she was seated on her kitchen counter, and I was standing in between her legs. She ran a hand through my hair and got aggressive by biting my bottom lip.

My dick was hard all night, but it still seemed to grow a bit bigger.

Out of nowhere, she stopped and pushed me back. "I wanna go put on something more comfortable." She motioned down to her non-existent dress and jumped off the counter. "You can go wait on the couch for me if you want," she suggested. I smirked as I watched her retreating form leave the kitchen, swaying her hips slightly she stopped and turned to blow me a kiss.

I went to her living room and I could tell that the couch was slept on nightly. There was a pillow at one end and a blanket draped over the back. I assumed that it was Jasper who spent his nights on Bella's couch.

Not long after, Bella walked out of her bedroom, looking unbelievable. She had her hair pulled up in a messy bun, exposing her beautiful neck. She had a tank top on and shorts that were hanging low on her hips, exposing her tattoo, and she looked incredibly sexy.

She was not making it very easy for me to remain in control.

Bella sauntered over to me, and I suddenly felt very anxious. I had no clue if I would be able to give her what she expected from me.

I wanted to…. desperately, but I couldn't just forget my faith and morals.

"So, what is it going to take for me to get you out of these sexspenders?" Bella asked me seductively.

"Sexspenders?" I questioned her with a slight laugh. She just nodded smiling up at me.

I wanted to tell her to take them off me. I wanted to let her know that she could have me however she wanted because I had never felt more turned on in my entire life.

Of course, I didn't say what I wanted, and remained in control.

I didn't want to disappoint her. I wanted to enjoy her, at least as much as I felt comfortable with physically.

_You can handle this Cullen....Step up your game, you can stop if it gets out of hand...._

I grabbed a hold of her boxers and used them to pull her closer to me. She let out a screech, and I began kissing her. I continued to kiss her as I pushed her back towards the couch. She pulled me down on top of her, and I smiled against her lips.

_I have never felt more alive in my life. _

My lips and hands explored her body. Her hands moved over my back, and she snaked a hand underneath my shirt. I was trying my best not to press my hardness into her center, but she kept pushing her hips up towards me. Then she let out the sexiest sound I have ever heard. Her body arched further into me as my hands traveled up from her waist and I started to feel her breasts on the outside of her shirt.

_It's__just second base Edward, not a big deal. Above the waist. Man, they feel amazing beneath my palms..._

Ever since she told me she wanted to feel my hands and mouth on her breasts, that's all I have jerked off too.

I moved my hand back down to her waist and went up her shirt. We continued to kiss as I felt the hardness of her right nipple.

_Still only second base_

I moved my mouth down to her neck and onto her collarbone I bit her nipple gently through her tank top.

_This still counts as second...Right? I don't even care, she tastes so sweet. _

"My god, Edward," she said in a strained voice as her hands traveled to my butt.

I got even more excited when I heard my name fall from her lips. I allowed myself to press my hardness against her center as I let out a groan.

Bella pushed me back a little, and I helped her remove her shirt. Part of my brain screamed clothes should remain on, while the less reasonable side said screw it.

Obviously, the less reasonable side of my brain won because I was now looking at Bella, half-naked.

She looked so beautiful.

Once she lied back into the couch, my mouth instantly went to her breasts. She brought her hands to my hair and began arching her hips faster into my dick. I moved up slightly and trailed a few kisses down her stomach. That's when she maneuvered us sideways on the couch.

I continued kissing her mouth and neck while feeling her nipples between my fingers. I pulled and twisted her nipples with my fingers, and I was a bit relieved that she was no longer thrusting herself into my hardness. It made it easier for me to stay in control.

That is until I felt her reach down and begin to rub my dick over my pants.

"Mmmm," I moaned. "Angel, let's keep this above the waist, okay?" I whispered in her ear.

"I want to feel you, Edward. Please, let me feel you," Bella begged as she continued to rub up and down my length.

"I'm not saying never, Bella. I'm just asking you to take things slow with me," I told her as I removed her hand from my dick.

"Sure..." She tried to sound like it was okay, but I could hear the disappointment in her voice.

I hated to disappoint her, but I didn't want to get lost in the moment and do something I might regret later.

I kissed her gently on her swollen lips, pressed my forehead against hers and said, "You're beautiful Bella."

We began to kiss more sensually and with more control, when I heard the front door open and shut. I looked at Bella, and I must have looked like I had seen a ghost. Bella fumbled to get off the couch and find her tank top. She held one arm across her breasts as she bent down to grab her shirt. I stood from the couch and adjusted myself quickly.

It didn't take long to see who had interrupted us.......Jasper.

"B, What the fuck?! Cover up your tits!" Jasper yelled at her. He was clearly intoxicated.

"Jasper, what the fuck? Turn your ass around! It's not like you've never seen them!" Bella snapped. Jasper slowly turned to face the door rocking back and forth on the heels of his shoes.

I was so furious, I just wanted to throw him the hell out of the house.

Bella pulled her shirt back on and declared that she was decent. I let out a sigh and sunk back to the couch pulling at my hair.

"Jazz, I thought you said you were gonna stay at your place tonight?" Bella asked as I pulled her onto my lap on the couch, showing Jasper she was mine now. I hated feeling jealous and possessive, but Jasper brought these qualities out in me, the darker side….

"My dad's being an ass, B. I didn't know you'd be going at it." Jasper shrugged as he sat down.

"What the fuck are you on, Jazz?" Bella asked him, leaning closer to see his eyes. "Your eyes are completely black."

"I dropped an E bomb a few hours ago," he stated as he pinched _**MY**_ Bella's nipple.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and pulled Bella away from him while standing her up with me. I was about to open my mouth and let Jasper have it when Bella stopped me.

"Please, don't," she begged. "He doesn't know what the hell he is doing." She whispered to me.

"I'm not leaving you alone with him like this, Bella" I told her sternly. I didn't really know Jasper or why he would take such a strong drug. I had never seen anyone look so messed up before in my life.

Bella led me into the kitchen where she pulled out a bottle of water.

"It's for Jasper. Do you want one?" I shook my head no.

"I'm really sorry he came over here like this, but please be nice to him, even though it might be hard for you. I'll keep my distance so he doesn't try and grab at me. Every sensation for him right now is heightened. Simple touches feel more intense. He most likely thinks colors are brighter, and he has absolutely no inhibitions. His mind is extremely vulnerable. So the mere suggestion that he is hurting himself by taking that shit is gonna mind fuck him." Bella was obviously worried for him, and I wondered what kind of experiences she has had with this drug.

"Angel, I just don't feel comfortable with him here," I told her honestly.

"I know, but please trust me. If he starts thinking the drug could hurt him....all it will do is send him into a panic. All he will want is for it to stop and there is nothing anyone can do to stop it. He will feel desperate and trapped, trust me, I know. So please, if you insist on staying, go with the flow." She was pleading for me to trust her.

"You don't do…?" I asked, worried for her.

"Not since I got mind fucked." She stated simply.

I took the bottle of water from her because I wasn't going to let her get near Jasper in that state.

"You keep your distance. I will give him the water." I told her sternly.

She nodded and we walked back out to find Jasper rubbing his arm, and I saw that his eyes were truly nothing but blackness. I handed him the water, and he looked up at me.

"Thanks, Edward. I really fucking love you," he told me. I looked at Bella who sat down on the loveseat across the room. She just shrugged.

"Thanks, Jasper," I replied.

I walked over to Bella and sat beside her. "How long will he be like this?" I whispered to her.

Instead of answering me, she looked at Jasper and asked him, "Jazz, when did you drop?"

"Why? You want one? I have one for you, if you want. I love my best friend, and I would never forget to hook her up!" He said in a rush.

"I know, Jasper. You love everyone and everything right now. I don't want it."

Just then, Jasper did the craziest thing I ever saw. He took a sip of the water and let it dribble out of his mouth and onto the floor.

"What the fuck!?" Bella hissed under her breath.

"Tell him to knock it off or I will." I was serious.

"I can't… I can't be mean about it," she whispered back to me.

She got up and returned with a cup, telling Jasper to spit his water in there instead of spitting it on the floor. Jasper thanked her, telling her how much he loved her, the cup, the water, her couch, and even her ass.

Eventually he passed out, and in a not such a restful sleep.

"Thanks," Bella sighed in relief.

I rubbed her back to soothe her. I knew she must be drained from watching her friend act and look so different.

"I haven't done that in a long time, Edward. Please trust me when I say that I have no plans to ever touch it again… even Jasper knows that. He knows I hate it. He must have taken some since he wasn't going to be around me…but obviously you don't think very straight once it kicks in."

"I'm not going to hold you accountable for your friend's bad judgment." I sincerely told her. I was impressed with how she took care of him. I could see the compassion she had and how deeply she could love.

"You're a really good friend, Bella. To protect him and take care of him when it was hard to even recognize him is truly a selfless act. Some people may have just tossed him out on the streets." I told her.

"Jasper is under a great deal of stress… His dad is a complete ass, and all he wants to do is to go to Duke and get a second chance. Then there's this thing with Alice Brandon. She just told him that she won't date him because of the past he shares with me, which she thinks is present. It is just a mess for him right now."

I began to see Jasper differently once Bella told me more about him. Jasper does his best to smile and to hide what's underneath. I felt bad for getting so angry tonight. I was angry at Jasper for grabbing Bella, but I should have been looking deeper. I should have questioned why he was turning to drugs. Sometimes you have to remember to view people as God sees them. He loves everyone unconditionally.

I asked God to let me see Jasper through his eyes. I prayed for God to give me his eyes so I could see what I had been missing. I felt bad for not looking at Jasper more closely. I wanted a second chance, to see the way Jesus saw him all the entire time.

I prayed the Lord would show me.

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	13. Chapter 12 Is This Love

**SM owns Twilight, I don't. **

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Chapter 12

Is This Love

BPOV

I wanted to bitch at Jasper the next morning….I just didn't see the point. He was so hung over…. it was senseless to tell him he acted like a jerk off. He was puking yellow shit and dry heaving, I almost felt sorry for his dumb ass. Well, that's what you get for taking a drug cut with cocaine, and possibly even heroin. It's hard to find pure E pills and the people that make it can put whatever they want in it. Since most cocaine is cut with a laxative, Jasper has got it coming out of both ends.

He did apologize for his behavior and said he felt like a tool. He told me Alice was hooking up with Riley, the captain of the football team, at a party they went to together. He was pissed she ran off with someone else, so when Alec handed him the E bombs he didn't think twice. He also promised to say sorry to Edward for being a cockblock.

I put on jeans and a zip up hoodie before going to meet Edward to work on the meals for the needy. I didn't really want to work, but I wanted to see Edward.

I wasn't sure where to go when I got there so I went to the Coffee House; I figured that was the best place to find Edward. As I approached, I found out I was right, I could hear the faint sound of his guitar. I was a bit surprised when I heard a female begin to sing. I wondered why Edward never mentioned a female band member. I was feeling jealous and suspicious.

I got even more jealous when I saw the dumb bitch. She was beautiful. Long, lean, blonde, and to top it off she could sing. I didn't let myself be known. I hung back for a few moments so I could observe them together. She was flirting with him, finding excuses to touch him, and the worst part was Edward didn't tell her to stop.

My rage was boiling over and I couldn't watch it unfold any longer.

I cleared my throat and said, "Excuse me." I crossed my arms and walked forward.

Edward looked at me right away, and the dumb bitch crossed her arms and stared at me. I was thinking that a BBD might be in order, then I remembered, I am nothing to Edward to the outside world, and for the first time it sucked ass.

"Bella," Edward acknowledged me putting down his guitar. He pointed toward the dumb bitch and introduced me to her. "This is Tanya, Tanya this is Bella."

So the dumb bitch had a name, and her name was worse than the dumb bitch. "Hi," I said with a fake smile.

"Bella and I have to get ready for the dinner tonight, I really appreciate you volunteering your time for the Christmas Eve Concert…I'll see you next Saturday morning around ten for rehearsal?" Edward asked her as he began walking her toward the exit.

Thank God.

That's when I saw her grab _**MY**_ Edward's hand and place her other hand on _**MY**_ Edward's chest! I was more then mad. I was fuming. I was livid. I was fucking pissed. Edward moved away a little bit, pulling his hand out of her grip.

"I hope we can see each other before next Saturday…." The dumb bitch purred.

"I'm sorry Tanya, I can't." Edward told her.

"You'll come around…Call me when you're done babysitting." She told him as she walked out with the gayest Miss America wave, ever.

Edward turned to me pinching the bridge of his nose, he looked exhausted. I imitated her wave with a look of disgust and said, "Who the fuck does she think she is? Miss America?" I asked sarcastically.

"She wishes, she came in second because she said she didn't agree with homosexual relationships," Edward told me. Was he serious? Oh….My….God…..He was fucking dead serious. I could not take this shit.

"I don't like her, I don't like the way she flirts with you, and I don't like the idea of you working with her." I stated crossing my arms.

Edward rubbed his hand over his face and sighed. "Angel….you are the only one I want. Please trust me," he pleaded with me.

"I trust you Edward. It's Miss America I don't trust. She acts like she is entitled to you or some shit"

"Tanya and I dated….a long time ago."

"Great! So she has actual hope that you two will reunite or some shit?"

"No Bella. I told her I wasn't interested; please do not be like this…."

"Like what?" I yelled. Edward quickly went and pulled the Coffee House doors shut.

"Jealous, Bella? Please do not act all jealous. She is my past….but you are my present, my future…I've never lied to you Bella, please I trust you with Jasper…we will not have much of a relationship if you don't trust me, cause she can try all she wants, and I will continue to turn her down…you are the only one."

The more I thought about it the sillier I felt for being suspicious and jealous. Edward was risking everything to be with me, of course he wanted me. If he just wanted a girl, he could have Miss America runner up and not have to hide, or risk everything he worked for in his career.

"Come here," I beckoned him. I wanted to hug him away from the windows and doors of the Coffee House. I walked deeper into the Coffee House, way from the windows and toward the stage that anyone standing outside wouldn't be able to see us. When I reached the stage, I turned and jumped up so I was sitting with my legs hanging over the edge.

Edward approached me and stood between my legs.

"I'm sorry babe, your right. I have no reason to think badly about your intentions. You are risking so much for me, I was stupid." I leaned forward and kissed Edward, slowly entering my tongue into his mouth. I moved my tongue around his slowly moaning a little into his mouth. I stopped after a few moments and smiled at him.

"Let's go get this meal started," Edward said pulling me from the stage, when we reached the Coffee House doors he reluctantly let go of my hand and gave me a small smile. He turned and locked the doors before we proceeded to the church's kitchen.

We were preparing the food, laughing, just being ourselves, and learning more about each other.

"Besides the Cable Guy, what's your favorite movie?" Edward asked

"Anything with Jay and Silent Bob….and I have a thing for Christian Slater movies, like Heathers and True Romance, Juno…You?" I asked back.

"I would have to say The Dark Knight, Heath Ledger was amazing." I nodded in agreement, "What's in your iPod?" Edward continued with the questions.

"Lots of different stuff…Kings of Leon, Lady Gaga, Green Day, Katy Perry, Bob Marley. What's in yours…that I would know?" I clarified.

"Van Morrison, Kings of Leon, Bob Marley…" He said with a wink before going on "Jeff Buckley, Johnny Cash…Bob Marley I actually really love."

"Really?" I asked.

"Really…I don't stand for the black man's side; I don't stand for the white man's side. I stand for God's side" Edward tried to use his best Jamaican accent. I laughed at him nodding my head at the Bob Marley quote.

I didn't even think I just started to sing the first Bob Marley song that came to my head "I wanna love you and treat you right…"

"I wanna love you every day and every night." Edward finished for me and we both began to laugh.

The whole time we prepared the food the conversation went back and forth. We always had common ground somewhere within our differences. We learned so much about each other. It was nice, because it was just us in the kitchen, and we snuck kisses and touches and just laughed like a normal couple.

I was leaning against the counter when Edward approached me putting his arms on either side of me trapping me between him and the counter. He began to suck gently on my ear lobe. He kissed over my jaw and when he got to my lips, he laid a gentle kiss on them before pulling back and smiling at me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and smiled back at him.

"My mom wants you to come over for dinner tonight…what do you think?" Edward asked me.

"Umm…kinda weird honestly, what if she doesn't like me?" I asked him.

"That's crazy how could she not love you Angel?" Just as he said that, we heard the door to the kitchen swing open. Edward jumped back quickly and began running his hand through his hair. I bit my lip nervously as our eyes meet with Reverend Carlisle.

"How did it go Bella?" The Reverend questioned me.

"Fine." I answered simply.

"Would you excuse Edward and me for a moment Bella?" Reverend Carlisle didn't really ask me, he told me. I excused myself and stood outside the door.

I could hear them faintly speak from outside the door.

"Edward…maybe it would be a good idea to have Bella volunteer in some other aspect…where she isn't alone with you" I heard the Reverend suggest.

"Why?" Edward inquired a bit defensive. Great, if the Reverend C doesn't already know about us Edward is sure as hell is going to give it away.

"Well, she isn't very shy about her attraction to you…it's written all over her face." Reverend C explained…Fuck. Was I that transparent? "I just don't want anyone to get the wrong impression," he finished.

"Carlisle, I really appreciate your concern, but honestly Bella is harmless." Edward was quick to dismiss my seduction skills, which he obviously fell for pretty quickly, I would say the Reverend was right to be concerned about it, oh well. Too late.

"Edward…please be careful, I would just hate for anything bad or damaging to happen." He warned again.

"What are you saying?" Edward questioned sounding a little more annoyed.

"Just to remain professional, that's all."

"I appreciate the advice, I assure you, and I am just being a friend to Bella." Edward explained. I stepped away from the door and pretended to be engrossed in a text message when the two men emerged.

"I'm sorry Edward, I left my keys in the Coffee House…and the doors are locked…" I lied so I had an excuse to wait for Edward

"I will see you both tomorrow?" Reverend C questioned us, we both said yes and he told us to have a good night, before he exited the church.

Out in the parking lot Edward walked me to my truck. "So you never answered me…can you come to dinner tonight?" I really wanted to say I don't fucking think so, but I couldn't give up the chance to spend time with him, especially time where we didn't have to hide.

"Of course" I told him.

"Six sound okay to you?" He asked. Well it was kind of cutting it short. It was only one hour away.

"Ummm…I guess if I don't need to change," I said waving my hand over my casual outfit.

"No, you don't have to change; you can just follow me there if that would be easier for you?"

"Yea, that's fine," I told him. I wanted him to kiss me goodbye before I climbed in my truck, but there were too many people around, and it made me feel awful. I did want to call and see what was going on with Jasper. As I followed Edwards Volvo out of the parking lot, I hit Jaspers speed dial.

"B!" Jasper exclaimed when he picked up the phone.

"Hey Jazz, you sound better." I told him.

"Yea, I feel better. Listen Tyler's having a party tonight you're coming right?" Jasper asked me. I really missed him, but I couldn't back out on this dinner.

"I don't know." I told him feeling really guilty. I hadn't really gotten to hang out with him. I was becoming my own worst nightmare, a stupid girl following around her dumb boyfriend…but my boyfriend was far from dumb. He was sex on legs…who the hell wouldn't follow him around like a lost puppy dog?

"Bella you've been with Edward all day…please hang with me," Jasper begged.

"His mom like, invited me over for dinner. I couldn't say no….I guess depending on what

time I can get out of there I can meet you…" I really wanted to try, but I knew it would be hard with Renee coming home, my midnight curfew would be back in full force.

"Fine B, what the fuck ever, call me when you're done putting on you good girl act."

Fuck! I hated when Jasper was pissed at me.

"Jasper…please don't be mad at me…how about Sundays are like our days? I mean Edward is at church and its God's day or whatever….and he does like this big Sunday dinner with his mom, the Reverend, his daughter, and her husband…and I doubt I will be invited to that anytime soon…." I was really starting to hate sneaking around and it hadn't even been a fucking week yet.

"Fine, B." Jasper sounded appeased by my offer of joint custody.

"I'll call you later?" I said as I pulled into Edward's driveway. He mumbled. "Whatever," and hung up.

Edward jogged up to my truck and pulled me down kissing me with a huge smile. When he finally released me, I looked at him and said, "What was that for?"

"That was your goodbye kiss and this…" Edward kissed me more gently with a little tongue. "Is your hello kiss," I smiled at him as he took my hand and led me inside his house.

Please, Lord, let his mom like me.

**Edward's prayer for 450 reviews was 53 reviews short! He still has faith in all of you, and now he is losing time with Bella because he has to pray harder! So lets see if I can get ¼ of the people that read this story to review it will be well over 200 reviews, so come on and press that button!! Amen. **


	14. Chapter 13 Broken Wing

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**Chapter 13 Broken Wing **

**EPOV**

"Don't worry Bella, my mom is going to love you." I said smiling at my Angel to reassure her.

"I've never…you know… met parents before." She said as she peeked up at me. She looked so cute nervous. All I could do was laugh and shake my head. I pulled her inside the house and was immediately met with the delicious aroma of garlic, onions and tomatoes. I knew my mom must have made lasagna.

"Hey mom…we're here." I called out taking Bella's hand in mine. My mom walked out of the kitchen to meet us. When she saw us, she skipped right over to Bella and me embracing us in a hug. Bella tensed up a little at first, but then relaxed.

"Bella, it's so nice to meet you! Edward said you were beautiful, but I don't think that word does you justice." Bella's face began to turn red as she thanked my mom awkwardly for the compliment. I never saw her so shy before.

"Thank you for having me, the food smells wonderful. Is there anything I can do to help?" Bella asked.

"Oh, no don't be silly! You and Edward just relax, you have already spent the whole afternoon in the kitchen," my mother said as she excused herself to finish dinner.

"My mom has this," Bella gestured to a picture that was hanging on the wall with a poem written on it. The poem was entitled, _Footprints in the Sand_. It was one of my mom's favorite poems.

"Yeah, that poem means a lot to my mom," I told Bella. "It always reminds her that she is not alone."

Once my mom was finished making dinner, we sat down at the kitchen table. It was nothing fancy; a simple salad, some garlic bread, and a pitcher of my mom's iced tea. We said a prayer before we ate, and I held Bella's hand under the table as we bowed our heads. When the prayer ended, Bella surprised me by saying "Amen" with us. I smiled at her, and the red returned to her cheeks.

"How was your day?" My mother inquired.

"It went well," I told my mom, even though Carlisle's little warning had been bothering me a bit. I felt so awful for lying to him, but I didn't want to tell him the truth so soon. I knew my mom wouldn't tell him about Bella and me unless he asked her directly. I told her about us in confidence, but I also knew she wouldn't lie to him if it came to that.

"Bella, I invited you over to get to know you a bit better, but I have to be honest here. I am weary about the effects that your relationship could have on my son's life…"

"Mom, please," I started to interrupt. I told Bella this wasn't a big deal to my mom. I reassured her that she would be nothing but nice and welcoming.

"Edward, dear, let me finish," my mom quickly interrupted me. She looked at me sternly, and returned her gaze back to Bella, "I have never seen Edward happier, and I know you are a big part of that reason, Bella. That's why I am supporting the two of you. I just hope you two take things slow, and think things through."

I glanced at Bella, who looked really uncomfortable and red as my tomato sauce. I couldn't believe my mom. She was telling us in a roundabout way not to have sex.

"I'm sorry Bella, I don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable, I just don't want either of you to jump into something you're not ready for, and I mean more then the obvious. I'm also concerned of what may happen when the church and the whole community finds out about the two of you."

"I understand, Mrs. Cullen," Bella responded. I rubbed her back in an attempt to soothe her nerves.

"Please dear, call me Esme. Anyway, I know you do. I just hate secrets, only because they seem so dirty. People will assume the worst, and think you kept it a secret because it's wrong, I prefer to say the relationship must be kept private. A secret infers you are doing something you shouldn't, and since it's a touchy subject with the age difference, and considering Edward's role in the church, it would be subject to much scrutiny." My mother finally finished.

"Thanks for your support mom, we really appreciate it. We are taking things one day at a time," I assured her.

"Bella, has Edward told you about his father?" My mother asked Bella. Bella looked at me, and back to my mom, and then back to me.

"No, he hasn't," she stated simply, shaking her head.

"I was very young, when I met him," my mom began. "I was fifteen, and he was eighteen. My parents were furious that I dated him. They tried to keep us apart, but it just pushed me closer to him. As soon as I turned eighteen, my parents and I were at such odds, I just left and moved in with him…." I hated to have to listen to this story. I didn't consider him my father. He was just a coward.

"I loved him like he was the last man on earth. I gave him every bit of me. I gave up so much for him. I would tell him about my dreams, and he would just shoot them down. I started to realize he liked to make me cry. It made him feel like he had power over me. He loved to break my spirit and be in control of my life. Once, when he found a college application, he beat me. He told me I was crazy for thinking I could do something special with my life." I cringed, thinking of my mom in that situation. She deserved much better.

"He was so bent on keeping me locked up... of keeping in control. He said if I married him, he would allow me to go to college... I should have known it was a lie. He continued to break me down, make me feel worthless." When she talked about it, she didn't cry. It wasn't because it didn't hurt, it's because she had come to terms with it.

"Then when I was twenty, scared, and had no one to turn to, I became pregnant. The entire time that I was suffering with my husband, I kept my faith in God, but at that moment, I thought God had finally abandoned me. I was frantic. I didn't want my child to endure the same life. I didn't want to be less of a mother to him. How could I love a baby when I was constantly being put down? I kept praying for a way out. I finally called my Aunt here in Indiana, and asked for help. She prayed for me, and sent me that painting on the wall with the poem that Edward showed you. After I read it, I realized that I may be broken, but I could still fly... So, I did. I wasn't abandoned I had been carried. I knew Edward was a gift… _my reason_. I didn't feel worthy enough to save myself, but Edward, he was worth saving."

When my mom finished, the air was tense, I could tell Bella had no idea how to respond to my mom.

"I'm sorry" was all she seemed to be able to muster. I smiled at her.

"Don't be sorry for me, I just want you to know every choice has a reaction. Every life has a plan. Be cautious. You two are skating on thin ice, and I would hate for any unnecessary suffering to take place," my mother told us, looking at us lovingly.

Bella and I simply nodded. I was so used to feisty Bella, but in that moment, I recognized her maturity.

I would do anything to be with Bella though. I felt balanced with her, by her. I was falling in love with her.

After dinner, Bella and I went down to the creek. She had been really quiet all night, which was unusual for her. When we reached the bench, I pulled her into my arms.

"Are you okay?" I asked her.

"God, I hate that question," she said shaking her head. "But, I'll answer it. I'm fine, there's just a lot of shit that was said tonight, a lot to think about."

"I know…." I told her. I was so emotionally drained. I could barely think straight.

"Plus," Bella continued on, "I talked to Jasper, and he's kinda pissed at me…he feels neglected or some bullshit."

I couldn't help but get tense. I knew I had accepted Jasper as a big part of her life, but I didn't like that he was making her feel guilty for spending time with me.

"What did you tell him?" I had to ask.

"We just kinda compromised. I mean, I know that you're busy on Sundays, so I told him that would be our day. It's not as if you can invite me to your family dinner."

I felt horrible for having to keep our relationship "private" as my mom called it. I kissed her head and sighed, "I know… I hate not including you in every aspect of my life. It just doesn't feel right when you're missing."

"I hate it too," Bella admitted.

We were quiet the rest of the night, enjoying each other's presence. Bella left around ten o'clock, and I told her I would see her at church in the morning. Tomorrow, we'd be around people again, and we'd have to pretend that nothing was going on between us.

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"Edward!" I heard Emmett's booming voice calling me. I turned around to face him and slightly cringed when I saw him approaching with Tanya. She hadn't left Rose's side lately. I'm sure it was an attempt to get closer to me. Everything was about appearances to her. I guess she thought that since she and I were both high profile, it made sense for us to be together.

I gave Emmett a genuine smile when he approached and gave him a quick one-armed hug.

"How's it going?" I asked all of them. I let go and leaned over to give Rose a kiss on the cheek. She was like a sister to me. We grew up together mostly fighting, but still, isn't that what brothers and sisters do?

I noticed Tanya coming towards me, expecting a similar greeting, but I couldn't do it. Instead, I stuck out my hand quickly to shake hers. She wasn't pleased with my brush off and excused herself to powder her nose job.

"What's the deal with Tanya?" Emmett asked, as I saw Bella enter the church. She looked beautiful and perfect as always, just one thing was off, Jasper's arm was draped across her shoulder. I was a bit jealous when I saw his arm around her. My fists tensed at my sides, and I felt helpless. All I wanted to do was go to her. Hug her. Kiss her. I couldn't. I understood they just couldn't stop being "them" without an explanation, and unfortunately, I couldn't be the reason.

"Edward?" Rose broke into my thoughts. I moved my eyes back to them as they moved their eyes to Bella, and back at me.

"What?" I questioned back trying to distract them from questioning me about Bella.

"Tanya? You're not interested in her anymore?" Rosalie asked me.

"No, not at all romantically." I told her. "She is just a girl I dated in high school, I wasn't in love with her then, and I am not in love with her now."

"Why?" Emmett asked. I was getting annoyed, and sick of all the lies that were leaving my mouth.

"Because, I met someone else, and I am pretty sure she is the love of my life." I told them….it was the truth.

"Really? That's great bro! When do we get to meet her?" Emmett asked.

"Ah….You don't, at least not yet anyway." I told him.

"What's the big secret?" Rosalie chimed in. "Just invite her over for dinner tonight." she suggested.

"Listen, I'd love to do just that, but it's all very new. We are trying to keep it private for now, while we get to know each other." Thank God for my mother's description of our relationship. "I just don't think we are ready to handle the attention it may cause." I hated to discuss the crushes from all the girls and women in the church.

"What? You mean all the ladies that will be heartbroken once they learn you're taken?" Rosalie said sarcastically.

"I didn't ask for them to attach themselves to me," I answered back, just then, Renee approached with Bella.

"Excuse us, I just wanted to come and thank you, Edward," Renee spoke up. Bella's arm was only a few inches from mine and the urge to touch it was driving me insane.

"It was really lovely of you to spend the afternoon with Bella on Saturday." Renee said.

"Really, don't mention it. I should be the one thanking her. She was a great help to me," I told her, trying to be the gentleman that my mom raised me to be. Unfortunately, Bella was making it hard for me. The second she let the back of her hand brush against mine, I wanted to do ungodly things to her.

"I'm glad; Bella could really use some good influences in her life. I feel so blessed she has you." I felt blessed for Bella too, but I also internally cringed at the comment about being a good influence. She trusted me with her daughter, and so far I have licked her breasts, taken her to a bar, and have been driven to violence over my jealousy. I looked down at my Angel and gave her a small smile. It was the most I could give her with all the people around us, and it was killing me.

"Renee, Bella, I don't think you've met Emmett and Rose McCarty. Emmett manages my band, and Rose is Reverend Carlisle's daughter." I introduced them, and they exchanged pleasantries. When I looked at Emmett, I could tell that he was eying me suspiciously, and I had a weird feeling like he must've figured it out already. I still wasn't sure though so I brushed it off.

Renee said goodbye, and there was no more reason for Bella to stay. I felt my stomach twist when Bella walked away and I wasn't able to say goodbye properly. It felt so wrong to deny her.

Emmett wrapped his arm around my shoulder when he saw Tanya approaching us, and walked me backstage to finish setting up the stage.

"Don't tell me Bella is your new girl…." Emmett whispered, keeping his voice low.

I unwrapped some chords and put in my ear monitor, essentially avoiding Emmett's statement.

"Is that the real reason its "private" cause by "private" you meant secret don't you?" Emmett continued to accuse me. I let out a loud sigh, unable to lie to Emmett.

" I wrote a new song," I said, hoping to distract him.

"Edward, what are you getting yourself into?" I knew he was only concerned for me. I could hear it dripping from his voice. Still, I couldn't help but feel angry for what must be running in his mind right now.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and grabbed at my hair. "Listen, I know it seems messed up, but have some trust in me. I've never felt this way before. I understand all the things wrong with it, but there's a lot of things right with it that I don't have time to fill you in on…just don't tell anyone, please," I pleaded with him.

"You're gonna tell me all about it tomorrow….along with this new song." I was slightly relieved that he left me off the hook for now. He wished me good luck and walked off the side of the stage to be with Rose.

"Jesus Christ," I rarely took the Lords name in vain, but that's what I mumbled to myself after Emmett was gone.

**MAN! So So close to 450! I will send out teasers for reviews...Green button gets a teaser!! Makes Mercyward happy!! **


	15. Chapter 14 Your Grace is Enough

**SM Owns I just play around in her world. **

**Thanks to my wonderfully talented, Beta's and all the help they give me. Keepingupwiththekids who I swear is like wonder women with all she does in the fandom and for The Sandbox! ****Dolphin62598 – who is amazingly supportive and helpful, and Jaders who started this thing with me….**

**A Perfect Love IS coming! I Promise! So look for it, I swear it is going to be greatness and I don't say that about my shit! **

Chapter 14 Your Grace is Enough

BPOV

When I walked into church on Sunday morning and saw Miss America standing beside Edward, I wanted to scream. I wanted to run to them, and claim my boyfriend. I couldn't though, and it drove me insane. Jasper sensed how upset I was and placed his arm around my shoulders to comfort me.

When Renee brought me over to say hello to Edward, I couldn't help but to touch his hand. I wanted to feel him, if only for a second. I hated more then anything that this institution called, church, and all the people around me is the reason why I couldn't hold his hand, or kiss him hello, or goodbye. It really blew.

I was really beginning to understand and relate to the movie Dogma so much better since my visits to this Holy place. It was like Rufus explained to Bethany about God,

"_He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the shit that gets carried out in His name - wars, bigotry, televangelism. But especially the factioning of all the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always, built a belief structure on it…..I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. Life should be malleable and progressive; working from idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit growth; new ideas can't generate."_

I think we all could learn something from the thirteenth Apostle. I hate how inflexible the church is. How caring and loving they seemed one minute, and how quickly damned and awful you were with one mistake.

I hated that I was Edward's downfall here, in this place he held so high. Why couldn't they see that all these rules were made by men? Men that are not perfect. So, yeah, if you asked me if there was a God, sure, there most likely is, but I don't have any beliefs, I think I maybe starting to form some ideas.

Today, I actually listened to Reverend C. He was talking about Guilt and Grace. Reverend C. directed a question to the congregation:

"What is Guilt?" He paused before continuing, "We all know what it feels like. This verse in the Bible reminds us what it feels like, _'My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear. ' _Every one of us knows that overwhelmed, burdened feeling. That feeling of, '_I hope nobody finds out,_' but is that all there is to guilt? Is that what God means it to be? Is it some kind of punishment that He sends into my life or your life

when we've done something wrong? He says, '_okay, you did something wrong. Live with this for a while!_' Does He mean for us to do that, for a while or the rest of our lives? No."

I've heard Edward say he felt guilty; I didn't know what exactly his guilt entailed for him. I didn't want to be the source of this guilt for him. Edward looked really uncomfortable throughout the service, fidgeting and pulling at his hair.

"The purpose of guilt is not just to make you feel bad. He has a greater purpose than that. Guilt is actually a warning light. It's a warning light that goes off that says, '_Something's wrong. Something needs to be fixed._' It's like the warning light that goes off on the dashboard of your car which says something's wrong." Reverend C. continued.

"Does it help to break the warning light when it's going off? No, it's saying something needs to be fixed." I felt queasy. I didn't feel like things needed to be fixed, but I had a feeling Edward did.

"That's the way we deal with guilt many times. We try to ignore it or pretend it's not there. We've got lots of different ways of dealing with this warning light that God sends into our life."

_Shit._

I was scared. I was scared Edward's guilt would cause him to end our relationship, to stay away from me. I felt desperate to hold onto him. Edward was the only person that made me feel special and accepted.

Reverend C. started talking about different kinds of guilt, false guilt and true guilt.

"False guilt is that which comes as the results of judgments, and the suggestions of men."

I felt better after Reverend C. explained this guilt; I knew Edward was worried about what people would think.

"True guilt is that which comes as a result of divine judgment, what God thinks about the situation." When Reverend C. explained this, I still felt okay. I didn't really think our age difference was that big of a deal to God. I mean, God never mentioned in the Bible that it was a sin to be in a relationship with an older guy or with a younger woman.

"That's the difference between the two. The rules become more important than the relationship. Therefore, it becomes a religion rather than a relationship. In church it becomes duty rather than desire."

In essence, Reverend C. was saying all the rules set by man and the church should be more like ideas, they should be more flexible.

"If you're struggling with false guilt, you're going to find yourself striving a lot for approval. You'll be an approval junkie. When you're struggling with false guilt, you live a lot of life worn out. Why? We have a hard enough time just living up to our own expectations. If you have to live up to everybody else's expectations to get their approval, then that is going to wear you out. Is it people or is it God that you are seeking approval from?"

I felt pretty confident at this point that Edward's guilt was false.

I still didn't understand how the grace part worked it all seemed very unattainable. They say all you have to do is confess, pray, and God will pick you back up when you fall. I hope it spoke to Edward, I hope he was finding grace for this false guilt he was feeling.

"Recognize that He's the God of grace who wants to forgive and shower grace upon us. Why? Because we deserve it? No, because He love us." The wise Reverend ended his sermon.

For Edward, this meant the Lord wouldn't forgive him because he deserved it. He would do it because he loved him, unconditionally. It was so hard for me to grasp that I could be forgiven just like that. Ever since I could remember, I always had to work to earn something in my life. I was never given anything just because…

After Reverend C. left the stage, Edward came up to pray before playing the final song. As he began his prayer, he played the piano softly to set the mood, closed his eyes and said:

"Let's take a moment to talk to God about what Reverend Carlisle spoke about today. Admit your sins to God. Talk to Him in your heart and say something like this, 'Father, I confess my sins to You today. I agree with You. I've done wrong things. They've hurt me. They've hurt others. They've hurt You. I'm tired of trying to make-up for them on my own. Would You forgive me? I trust that You are a loving, faithful, and forgiving God. Today, as best as I know how, I accept Your forgiveness into my life. Help me to begin to live out the life of grace. ' Some of you, you may have prayed that prayer a long time ago, but you need to pray this morning, 'Father, help me to live Your life by grace and not guilt. Help me to step into the fresh air of Your grace today. It's a little scary but today I'm making a commitment to take You at Your word and to trust You. All my guilt is gone. ' In Jesus' name, Amen"

When he ended the prayer, he rose from the piano and walked to his guitar.

God, I really hoped Edward felt forgiven. I was desperate to talk to him, feel him.

Edward ended the service with an upbeat song, _"Your Grace is Enough". _It was really sweet how much thought and preparation he put into finding the perfect song.

"B?" Jasper's hushed voice brought me back to reality. It was so easy to get lost while I watched Edward's fingers move over his guitar.

"Yeah?" I whispered back, not wanting to distract other people who were very much focused with Edward's performance.

"Your boyfriend's a tool," he whispered back in my ear trying to contain his laughter.

"If you say so, but at least he is a big hard tool," I whispered back, I didn't bother looking at him when I spoke.

When Edward's performance ended, we went around and "mingled" as Renee liked to call it with the other holy rollers. In the middle of our mingling with one of Renee's friends, I suddenly remembered that I forgot to put my phone in silent mode when the service began because it started singing, "Love Games." Yeah, I gave Edward the _Disco Stick _ring tone. Every time he called or texted, I got a reminder that someday, preferably soon, I would be able to take a ride on his disco stick.

"I'm sorry," I mouthed to Renee when she gave me the death glare for interrupting their conversation. I looked down at my text message and saw that it was from Edward.

_I'm backstage, alone, come see me for a min? - E_

I didn't think twice. I immediately flipped my phone shut and asked my mother,

"Mom, I want to go say hello to a few of the girls from youth group. Is that okay?" I lied.

"Sure, baby, meet us out front in about ten minutes?" I nodded to my mother and made my way backstage. Jasper had already excused himself to go out front and have cigarette. I told him I would meet him at the car.

I made my way backstage, quickly and quietly. When I got there, I saw Edward wrapping up some cables and bending over to untangle them. I enjoyed the view for a few seconds because his jeans well, they were evil.

I finally cleared my throat to get his attention. When he heard me, he shot up straight and smiled at me. He reached his arm out, and I couldn't wait to wrap myself into it.

"Hey," he breathed, sounding so relieved.

"Remind me, what are we hiding from?" I asked him as I nuzzled into his side.

"We're not hiding. We're not doing anything wrong, at all, I know that. We are keeping things private because people will judge us if they find out about us. If they learn about our relationship, there are people who will think, no matter how far from the truth they are, that I am taking advantage of you. These are people who think it's wrong to have a relationship with someone who attend my youth group, which in essence, isn't my equal in that circumstance. I'm not going to let that false guilt hold me down, Bella." After he said those words, he leaned down and kissed me. I felt whole, loved, and special.

I felt so relieved to hear him say that. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. I had been scared since this morning that he was going to break up with me because he's scared of what other people might think or say about our relationship. I'm glad I was wrong.

"But," Edward started, "It doesn't feel right hiding it from your mom and Carlisle. I think we should tell them. What do you think?" he asked me.

What did I think? I thought I didn't want to tell Renee because she will probably be over the moon about it. I doubt she would be mad. She'll definitely become overjoyed and overbearing knowing that I'm dating someone like Edward. I, however, was worried that Reverend C. wouldn't like it, and make us stop seeing each other. Could he make us stop?

"What if Reverend C. tells you he doesn't agree?" I asked, worry evident in my voice.

"I will choose you Bella, no matter what he says. I can't keep this from him any longer or lie to him about it though. It doesn't feel right. Besides, after today, I don't think we need to worry. Reverend Carlisle is a good man. He won't judge us," he reassured me.

"What about your mom and step-dad?" he asked. "Will they care?"

I shook my head no, saying, "No. Knowing how Renee is, she'll definitely be ecstatic to learn about you. She has been praying that I find a good Christian boy. She was on a big tirade the other day about praying for your child's future husbands and wives, that they are good or whatever. This will just confirm her prayers even more."

"He does answer, you know. She has a right to feel that her prayers are answered even if she prays for things you don't understand." Edward gave me a sad smile. "Ummm… I'd like to be with you when you tell them. Is that okay?"

"Of course it is, but right now I have to go…." I said as our hands swung back and forth. I started to back up only letting go when he was out of reach.

As I was walking to the car, my phone rang again.

_I miss you already - E_

I waited until I was in the car to text him back.

_I know me too - B_

Jasper nudged me and gave me a stern look as a reminder that today was about catching up with him, not moping about missing my fuck hot boyfriend.

I put my phone down, and leaned my head on Jaspers shoulder telling him I was sorry.

When we arrived back at my house Jasper pulled me out back telling me he wanted to play on my trampoline.

"Jazz, it's cold," I whined to him.

"You won't be cold when you are jumping around, suck it up B, and lets have some good ole' fashioned fun."

Jasper jumped up first and reached down to help me up onto the trampoline. When I was finally on, we started jumping and I tried to keep my distance because his weight would throw me off balance. Nevertheless, Jasper was being Jasper and _**TRYING**_ to make me lose my balance.

"Take a seat, B, let me show you how this is done," Jasper told me as I sat Indian style on the edge facing the middle. Jasper proceeded to do a few flips, and I acted unimpressed by it.

"Are you done showing off?" I teased him, extending my hands to him so he could help me back up. As soon as he helped me to my feet, he started jumping backwards causing me to fall forward into him. I knocked him down, and landed right on top of him. We were laughing so hard, tears streamed down my face. Jasper reached up and wiped my cheeks.

"I missed this, B," he told me seriously, looking into my eyes. I panicked when he started to move his face closer to mine. I froze as he kissed my lips. I squirmed out of his arms and sat back as quickly as I could. We'd never kissed before. Not even when we were fuck buddies.

"What the fuck?" I shrieked at him showing my anger and shock. "You can't just kiss me! I have a fucking boyfriend or did you forget?!"

"No! I didn't fucking forget! How could I fucking forget?" Jasper yelled back at me as he sat up.

I remained silent for a while, composing myself before I spoke again. I was clearly still shocked about what happened. After a couple of deep breaths, I asked again calmly, "Why then, Jazz?"

"Maybe you don't realize what you have till it's gone" He told me as he looked in his lap. I was shocked, I had no idea Jasper's feelings for me ran deeper than friendship.

"What about Alice?" I asked him.

"Alice is great, I like her, but she told me she can't be with someone who's in love with someone else."

"You're in love with me?" I asked him completely shocked. I felt tears pricking at my eyes.

"I miss you, I never analyzed my feelings for you, I didn't have to. You were always mine, and I fucking hate your boyfriend for the simple fact that he gets to kiss you, and I don't. I don't know why I spent this past year lying to myself about my feelings for you. I feel like an ass that I had to lose you to figure it out. I feel like an even bigger ass that Alice had to be the one to bring it to my attention."

I felt the tears moving down my cheeks. I didn't want to lose my best friend. I couldn't tell him I felt the same way about him.

"Jasper, you know I fucking love you right? And if you would have told me this a month ago, I'd be able to love you back… I can't though," I whispered as I crawled over to him. "Please don't stop being my friend, Jasper," I begged him, hugging him close to me.

"I could never leave you, B. I'll take any part of you that you're willing to give me," he whispered as he kissed my forehead.

A few minutes later, Jasper and I went inside to watch a movie as if nothing happened. I couldn't concentrate on the movie though, and I'm sure he couldn't either.

I started to realize I would probably feel the same way if he had moved on first. I had no doubt that he thought he was in love with me, I also had no doubt that he'd never been in love.

Please God let your grace be enough for Jasper.

**Srsly Reviews are like crack to me! I will do cartwheels when I got over 500, so hit that green button, and I will respond with a teaser. **


	16. Chapter 15 Slow Fade

**SM Owns Twilight...I am the proud new owner of Decembers issue of Vanity Fair...yummy! **

**keepingupwiththekids and dolphin62598 are my amazing beta's. Jade got a job and I hope she can still help out with some stuff, we will see though! **

**There is a VERY important AN at the bottom, make sure to READ it and REVIEW!! **

Chapter 15

Slow Fade

EPOV

Sunday's sermon was a real eye opener. It was enough to convince me to come clean about my relationship with Bella to Carlisle, Renee, and my close friends. However, I still couldn't handle the resistance and backlash I would get from the church community. I hardly understood the connection Bella and I shared. I couldn't even imagine having to justify my feelings to them. I just felt a pull towards her. She made me laugh. She showed me the lighter side to life. She balanced me. I still planned to keep the relationship private. It wasn't an ideal relationship, and there were too many rules and ideals for them to just accept it.

I was worried enough about how Emmett was handling the information. I tried to keep in mind Carlisle's words from earlier that day. That I can't worry myself with pleasing people, but Emmett's opinion of me mattered a great deal, whether or not I liked to admit that.

After dinner, I asked Carlisle if I could speak with him in private. I knew Emmett had questions and I knew Rose would as well, but I could only handle them coming at me one at a time. Carlisle came out to the porch with me and we sat down on the steps. I was looking down at my feet, willing the words to come out.

I had no clue how to begin, and we sat in silence for a few moments before I found the words.

"I met someone…a girl," I said as I glanced up at him. "She is really special and means a lot to me. She makes me feel extremely lucky." I continued as Carlisle just allowed me talk. He is an excellent listener. "Our relationship though, it's not ideal."

"What exactly do you mean by 'ideal'?" Carlisle asked me.

"That I feel a lot of false guilt over it, yet I have no reason to feel that way, at least I don't think so."

"Why are you feeling a lot of false guilt over it? Obviously, you like this girl very much. There's no reason to feel bad about it."

"The girl I am seeing….she is in high school…its Bella. I hate to admit that I lied to you about her, because I was afraid of what you would think. Although I have made a few bad choices since I started seeing her, all and all I have no reason to be guilty for being with her. I have no plans of flaunting my relationship with her at the church or even around the community, I have every intention that we keep it private. I plan to talk to her mother and step-father about it this week…"

"Edward, I appreciate your honesty. At the end of the day as long as you feel right with the Lord that's all that matters. As your boss, I expect that your private life would not interfere with your work. As your friend, I will not judge you. I hope you understand this could really damage your reputation. I will also feel much more at ease if her parents are not opposed to it." Carlisle finished.

"I know. She is worth it though," I spoke with convection, because she was worth everything.

"One more thing," Carlisle spoke before I got a chance to stand. I settled back down and looked at him. "It is a slow fade when black and white turn to gray. Flattery can lead to compromise, and empty words and promises can break hearts. People never fall in a day. Be careful. If you think you are standing right now….you may very well be sinking."

"I am Carlisle," I didn't really know how to respond. I am sure it showed on my face.

"I know son, I just want you to be aware that things can snowball quickly."

Today was rough with Bella at church, having her so close, yet so far. I really missed her, and knew I was in love with her. I sent Bella a text around ten o'clock to see if she could call me. She called me a minute later, and she sounded sad.

"Are you okay?" I asked her.

"No. Not really," she admitted to me. It broke my heart to hear the sadness in her voice.

"You want to talk about it?" I didn't want to pressure her, but I really needed to know what was wrong, if I could help her.

"Promise not to get upset or mad?" She asked me. My stomach dropped as I thought of all the reasons you preface those words when talking to someone. It's obviously something that will upset me or make me mad.

"I promise, just tell me, whatever it is, it will be okay." I reassured her, even though my insides were upside down, and my stomach was tied in knots.

"It's about Jasper." I already hated the turn this conversation made. I tried to remember the request I made of God a week earlier, to let me see Jasper through his eyes. I took a deep breath ready for my second chance. "He, um…thinks….I don't know…." she trailed off.

"Bella, please, just tell me," it was my simple plea to her.

"He kissed me," She said quickly, letting out a breath.

She waited for me to say something, but I couldn't. I knew what I wanted to say wasn't the right thing to say, so I didn't say anything. I waited for her to tell me about it.

"Edward…?" She hedged quietly; I could hear that she was crying.

"I'm here, I'm just a little…." Pissed? Check. Upset? Check. "….surprised," I decided would be the best word. "What does this mean Bella?" I asked worried.

"It means Jasper feels alone, I didn't kiss him back….I couldn't. I felt so sad for him. He thinks he is in love with me, but I know he's not in love with me. I also know he believes he is. I mean it's our own fault, being so physical, and believing we could keep our emotions detached. I just hate that Jasper is in pain now because of it."

"So what's going on with you and Jasper now?"

"I just, I don't know. I guess I can be his friend? Hope he moves on and finds what I have so he can see the difference… I just think his emotions are all really jumbled, he's really confused, and he just needs some time to let things adjust."

I let out a sigh of relief. I was still pissed he kissed Bella, but I also understood.

"He'll be okay….it will just take time. I'm not mad at you or at him….as long as he doesn't do it again." I emphasized the last part because if he does it again, I don't know if I can control myself from punching him the face. Jasper had his chance, and he didn't take it. Bella was _my Angel _now_._

"He won't. I told him I don't feel that way for him, that maybe a month ago, had he said he loved me, I most likely would have thought I felt it back…but….I know the difference now."

Was she saying she loved me?

"Bella…I know this is happening so fast, but I am falling in love with you, so hard and so fast. There's nothing left for me to lose except you."

"I feel the same," Bella told me. I felt my heart skip a beat hearing Bella felt the same way as I did. "I'm sorry about Jasper….I know how upset and angry I would be if you told me Miss America stole a kiss from you."

I really had no desire to talk about this topic anymore. I quickly changed the subject.

"When can I see you again?" I felt lost without her, as if a piece of me was missing.

"I don't know. Call me tomorrow…I don't know what type of mood Renee will be in."

"Why do you call your mom Renee?" I had to know.

"I guess because I never felt very close to her. I don't remember her telling me she loved me very much, like I was just supposed to know it or some shit. She rarely hugged me or kissed me….It's just how she is. I always felt like an afterthought. She does what she needs to do as a mother, nothing more, and nothing less." No wonder Bella couldn't grasp unconditional love, it doesn't seem like she has ever experienced it. I really hoped I could show her.

"Well, I told Carlisle about us…I was hoping tomorrow I could come over and talk to your mom and step-dad about us? I would feel so much better if they knew."

"Um, yea. You could come over for dinner?" She said a bit weary.

"I would love to," I told her. After we said goodnight, I got in bed trying to find sleep but, was unable to with everything on my mind.

The next morning, I made my way to church. I brought the new song I had written as I promised Emmett I would, and braced myself for whatever he was going to say to me about Bella.

I got the sermon notes from Carlisle as soon as I came in, and headed to the Coffee House. When I stepped in Emmett was standing behind the bar and motioned for me to take a seat on the other side of it. I sat at the bar as Emmett handed me a cup of coffee.

"So tell me about this Bella, and why she's worth risking everything for?" Emmett cut to the chase.

"Emmett I have nothing to lose, except her. And I'm not going to let you make me feel false guilt over it. I really am falling in love with her, there's no person better for me than her. There isn't a soul on this planet that has made me feel half the man I am when I am with her. I've never felt this way before, and I don't care what happens because of it. I like who I am because of her, and if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me." I spilled my guts, laid it on the line.

"Why the hiding then? If you feel like it's okay?" Emmett questioned me more.

"We're not hiding per say, Em. Even if I were in a socially acceptable relationship… I wouldn't flaunt it around church, I would keep any relationship private…. away from work, and out of gossip."

"Do you realize how messed up your thoughts are? You _**MET**_ her because of your work!"

"Emmett, if it were Rosalie, would you be able to stay away?" I knew it was the only way to make him understand how deep my feelings were, and how much she meant to me. "You know society is the one with the problem surrounding mine and Bella's relationship. Not God. God is not the one who made age differences a problem….man did."

"I love you, Edward, but, you are not seeing things very clearly…Do you know what makes a human being decent?" Emmett questioned me again, but he didn't wait for me to give him an answer. "Fear," he spit out, "and that's your problem…You have no fear over this situation. You could lose _**EVERYTHING**_! Your job, your music! This doesn't just affect you." He told me raising his voice only when he said everything.

"Emmett, I know that, but I can't walk away. She is my life now, and the only judgment I care about is from God, and I don't feel like God is ashamed of my relationship with Bella," I told him through gritted teeth.

We sat in silence for a minute before I spoke again, "It doesn't matter what's right or wrong. What matters is what feels right. She is right. There's a reason God brought her into my life, even if it's not clear right now."

"Listen, I'm not on the Edward and Bella bandwagon….yet. But I am going to trust you that you have this under control and thinking with your head and not your dick."

"I appreciate it Em."

"Now let's see this new song," Emmett said excitedly rubbing his hands together.

"One more thing, Em?" I asked him worried about his wife's sometimes too big mouth.

"Huh?" He asked me, fiddling with the sound system.

"Make sure your wife keeps her mouth shut please? The last thing I need is Tanya finding out about this."

"Yeah, that would suck…I think Rose knows better than to tell her about you and your high school girlfriend," Emmett teased me.

We walked over to the stage, and I pulled the notebook out of my guitar case. I showed Emmett the new song, _I Still Believe_. I explained to him how I was struggling with my feelings for Bella when the words just poured out of me.

He was really excited about it. He didn't even think I should record it with a full band. He thought it be best just my acoustic guitar and me.

At lunch time I couldn't wait any longer to see how Bella was so I sent her a text message.

_Still on for dinner? -E _

It didn't take her long to respond

_Of course. See you at five? -B _

_Perfect. Can't wait. Love you. - E_

It felt so good to tell her that.

_Ditto. -B _

I knew for a fact that Bella had issues with being loved. I knew she could love, I could see it written all over her when it came to Jasper. She loved him like a brother. She held so much compassion and unconditional love for Jasper, even if she wasn't aware of it yet. It was a big step for her to actually tell someone she loved them. I knew she didn't grow up surrounded by love and reassurance like I did. So for her to say she felt the same, even in not so many words, made me smile. It's not who you love, it's how you love them. I planned on telling Bella every chance how much I loved her.

I rushed home at four excited to be with Bella, and nervous to tell her mom.

Please, Lord. Let her mom understand.

**BPOV**

"Hey, mom can I talk to you for a second?" I questioned her as I walked into the kitchen. She was doing her daily bible reading or whatever. Phil was such a mute. He was barely ever around and when he was, he was vegged out on the couch. He just went along with whatever. He wasn't around tonight, not that he would even have an opinion on Edward and me if he was.

"Of course, baby," she looked up and smiled at me.

I sat down across from her and prepared myself to tell her about Edward's impending visit tonight.

"I invited Edward Cullen over for dinner. I hope you don't mind."

"Of course I don't mind!" Renee exclaimed. Of course, Renee was such a fucking flake she wouldn't even ask why.

I smiled at her and left the room. As usual, Renee didn't actually cook dinner. She went to the local restaurant and got take out from their buffet. While she was out picking up dinner, Edward arrived, because let's face it, Renee was never on time, for anything. She would be late to her own funeral.

I let him in, and stood on my tiptoes to kiss him wrapping my arms around his neck.

"Where are your mom and Phil?" Edward asked backing away from me worried that we could be caught.

"She went to get dinner, and she didn't even ask me why you were coming over for dinner. I swear she isn't all there, and she has no common sense. Phil is away for some baseball shit." I told Edward. I grabbed his hand and pulled him into the living room.

He sat down nervously and ran his fingers through his hair a few times, giving me small smiles as I flipped through the TV channels waiting for my mom.

At five-thirty, Renee finally walked through the front door.

"Oh, Edward, I am so sorry for making you wait. I hope Bella was a good host?" She asked giving me the 'you offered him a drink and made sure he was comfortable look.'

I raised my eyebrows and shrugged my shoulders in response. I knew nothing of being a good host. It didn't even occur to me to ask him. I figured if he was thirsty or some shit he'd ask for a drink.

"Of course she was," Edward responded getting up to help my mom with her takeout. He carried a bag into the kitchen and my mother shooed him away. She insisted that he relax and began to order me around like her fucking puppet.

"So, Edward, what do we owe the pleasure of your visit?" Renee asked him once we were seated at the kitchen table.

"It's actually about me and Bella," Edward began. Renee looked at him a bit confused.

"I hope Bella isn't being difficult, I know she can be quite sarcastic at times," My mom started ranting.

"No, no Renee, it's nothing like that," Edward quickly interrupted. "I actually came here to ask if it would be okay with you if Bella and I dated," Edward said.

"I'm sorry, Edward. Am I hearing you right? You want to date my Bella?" Renee asked shocked.

"Yes, if you approve of course. Bella is like no one I have ever met, and I do feel very strongly for her," Edward added.

"Well gosh…I mean Edward, you're a great man, I don't see why you wouldn't date someone closer to your age," Renee said, and I was shocked. I swore she would start doing flips or some crazy shit.

"I understand your concern, but Bella is a very intelligent mature young woman. Any man would be lucky to have her." It felt so good to have those things said about me, to my mother, who never once said anything remotely flattering or nice about me.

"If it was any other twenty-two year old man, I wouldn't even consider it, but we know you are not just any twenty-two year old." My mom sounded like she was thinking aloud. "Bella has rules and a curfew Edward, things I am sure you haven't had to deal with for quite some time…" I have no clue what she was getting at. I guess she wanted to make sure Edward was going to respect her stupid rules or some shit.

"Of course, Renee. Any rules you set for me and Bella, I have no intention of going against, if you allow Bella and I to see each other," Edward assured her. I sat there quietly pushing my food around on my plate, I didn't really know what to say or do.

"Well Edward, what about your job and the church?" Renee asked, and I could hardly fucking believe she thought to even ask that.

"I spoke to Reverend Carlisle about seeing Bella. He made it clear that as long as my personal life didn't interfere with my work, he doesn't see a problem. Of course, he was concerned about the damage it could do to my reputation, which is why Bella and I think it is best to keep our relationship private. And to be honest, if I were to date anyone, I would keep it private. I am a very private person, and I just don't feel like the whole town has a right to know about my love life just because I have a few songs on the radio. Being a local celebrity of sorts, doesn't make it easy for me to date." Edward finished with a sigh of relief escaping his beautiful lips.

"Let's talk about your reputation and the damage that could be done," Renee stated. "Are you prepared for the damage this could cause you?"

"Yes. Bella is well worth the risk. I would give it all up if it meant I got to be with her," Edward stated.

"To be honest, I couldn't pick a better boyfriend for Bella if I tried. I have been praying that she would find a friend in you I shouldn't be surprised. God has been answering so many of my prayers lately. I just didn't expect more of a friendship to form…..As long as you are respectful to Bella and the rules I have set, I see no reason to stop you from seeing her." I was stunned that my mom wasn't fangirling over the fact that I was dating Edward Cullen.

"Of course" Edward said quickly.

"Am I correct in assuming there is no need for Bella to be put on birth control?" My mom asked and I knew I was bright fucking red. I have been having casual sex for a year now, I started dating a youth group leader that writes songs about Jesus and suddenly she thinks about birth control?! She is fucking out there.

"MOM!" I yelled, shaking my head. "Please," I begged her.

"No Renee, I don't think that will be an issue, I don't plan on having sex until I am married." Edward stated calmly like he talked about birth control every day.

Was Renee stupid? Was she dense? Did she understand what being an unmarried Christian was like? She just didn't think sometimes. Crap, she didn't think most of the time.

"Oh, right, of course. I don't know what I was thinking. I do expect Bella to wait till marriage as well." Dig yourself deeper into the stupid hole Renee. Maybe now Edward won't defend you so much. Edward just gave her his winning smile and nodded at her.

What a fucking disaster.

God help my mother.

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	17. Chapter 16 Lifesong

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Chapter 16

Lifesong

EPOV

Once we told Renee and she said it was okay in her own weird way, I felt so much better about everything. I was so thankful the Lord used Carlisle's sermon to reach me. I was so relieved Bella didn't have to lie about where she was going or whom she was going to be with when she was gone. It was our first Monday night together free of lies, and it felt so good to have the weight lifted from my shoulders.

I sat on my porch waiting for my Angel to pull up in her old beat up truck. When she finally arrived, I rushed to her door as soon as the stopped. Quickly, I pulled her out of the truck and gave her a kiss before I set her down on her feet. She smiled up at me, as I brushed a few hairs away from her face.

"Hey Angel," I said looking down at her beautiful face. She smiled brightly back at me and I could hardly believe she was mine. "Hop on," I told her as I bent down a little so she could climb on my back. She jumped on my back willingly, laughing as she wrapped her legs around my waist.

"Don't drop me!" Bella warned.

"I will never let you fall," I told her as I carried her on my back into the house.

I put her down as I entered the living room and she thanked me with a kiss on the cheek. I took her hand and threaded my fingers through hers as I led her into the living room. Once we reached the couch, I pulled her close to my side and began to trail kisses all over her face.

"I missed you," She breathed in between kisses. I needed to feel her. I grabbed her and pulled her down to the couch with me.

I hovered over her and couldn't wipe the smile off my face that she brought me. She looked so beautiful looking back at me with the same huge smile on her face and her teeth biting on her lip every so often.

"What?" I asked her letting out a small laugh and playfully nibbling on her neck and jaw.

"You just surprise me," She panted. I pushed up a little to look at her.

"Really? Why?" I questioned her, as her hands traveled down and rested on my butt, and she slipped her hands into my back pockets.

"I just thought you would be more….I don't know…." She trailed off. I couldn't believe it. She thought I would be more of a prude!

"A prude?" I finished for her acting offended.

"I was going to say proper or reserved," she defended herself.

"And…?" I questioned her again, wanting to know where she was going with this.

"And I'm glad you're not, that's all," she stated simply trying to pull me back down. She didn't have to try very hard, I went willingly.

I will admit all the making out with Bella, was a bit uncomfortable, since I didn't find release until later. It was more than worth it though. I loved feeling her and tasting her skin. I loved the way she arched her back and rubbed against my hardness every now and then, or when she took off her shirt and I would lose myself in her perky breasts and nipples. I loved when her hands were in my hair and she sucked on my ear. I loved when her hands found their way under my shirt and we had more skin on skin contact. It was hard to find the control to keep the rest of her clothes on and her hands away from my pants, because trust me, she tried, and it nearly killed me to move her hand away.

"Please Edward…let me touch you." She panted, her fingers tracing my waistband. "You said we could do more…I want to do more." She was so hard to deny, but I was really nervous, because no one has ever touched _**IT**_ before, but me.

"Slow down Angel, I'm not going anywhere," I tried to reason with her. She bit her lip and huffed. Was she pouting? She was pouting!

"Don't pout," I told her. She pushed me back and got out from under me.

"I'm not pouting," she told me defiantly. I watched her sit up; straighten out her shirt and cross her arms over her chest.

"Bella, please don't be mad, come back," I pleaded with her. I was hoping she would come to her senses.

"Why? What's the point?" She finally spoke, throwing her hands in the air and looking at me with her eyes crossed. "This make out session," she continued using her hands again to motion between us, "obviously isn't leading to anything other than blue balls for you and wet panties for me and I'm not gonna keep letting you pussy tease me," she stated confidently. I was shocked…she called me a pussy tease? What the heck? "Oh no, don't you give me that, 'what the heck' look of yours!" She yelled at me when she registered my facial expression. I rubbed my face, stunned silent.

"I told you I don't want to rush into anything physically," I tried to explain to her calmly, after I gathered myself.

"Well, you just let me know when you're ready….I'd hate to pressure you into being touched by me," she spoke as if she was defeated.

"I love you Bella…you know that, but please stop acting like a petulant child that didn't get the new toy at the store today. Please stop acting as if it isn't taking all of my self- control to stop my hands from moving down your pants, or up whatever sexy skirt, or dress you decided to wear. It's not easy for me to say no to you… Please just give me time." She didn't respond and we sat in silence for a few moments before I decided to break the ice.

"Want to order some take out?" I asked hoping she was over her pout and not upset that I called her a petulant child.

"Sure," she responded uncrossing her arms. I wrapped my arm around her and kissed her temple.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. I just nodded, because she never had to apologize to me.

We ate and kept our hands to ourselves the rest of the night. We just laughed, and talked, and we were simply Edward and Bella, nothing more, nothing less. "So, remember I told you about James?" She asked me taking a bite off my fork that I offered her.

"Um, yeah, of course…why?" I asked her.

"You just seemed like you knew him…do you?" She asked me squinting her eyes slightly and biting her bottom lip. I brought my finger to her lip and pulled it from her teeth. I watched the color return to where her teeth once griped, and I gently ran my finger over the spot.

"I do….His family use to come to the church; I had just taken over the youth group last year, and let's just say he was a challenge on the nights he came. Always flirting with the girls, bragging to all the boys about the latest girl he added to his list of conquests, caught him a few times having sex in the bathroom…" I told her. Her eyes were wide, and she looked stunned.

"So, he like came and bragged about me?" Bella asked shaking her head. I didn't even put two and two together that he would have been talking about her, that she was the girl he bragged about with the 'tight ass' and 'perky tits'. That she was the girl I heard him tell a few of the guys, was 'a hot little virgin that sucked a mean dick, and liked it when he pulled her hair.'

"Angel…" I started to try and comfort her.

"What did he say about me?" She asked, looking into her lap.

"It doesn't matter," I said pulling her close to me.

"I'm such a fool. Why did I put myself in that situation? I don't want you to think badly of me…" She explained looking up at me through her lashes.

"Have I ever judged you? Have I ever made you feel like you should regret who you are or the choices you have made? I accept you, your past, everything about you, I wouldn't change a thing. I could care less what I heard some cocky kid say about you. I mean he was right when he said you had a nice ass…" I tried to lighten the mood.

"Of course you like my ass," Bella shook her head in disbelief. I even got a smile out of her.

She left at nine-thirty to make it home for her ten o'clock curfew. I missed her already.

**BPOV**

What boy removes a girls hand from their cock? My boy. Yeah, he seriously moved my hand every attempt I made to feel him through his jeans, and let me tell you, it's big and it's always hard, and I am dying to get to know it better. He makes me feel like a villain in a melodrama, twirling my mustache while I try to steal some poor girl's virtue.

Normally, when I 'pout', as Edward likes to call it, I get my way. Nope, doesn't work with him. He doesn't put up with my shit, and I like that. I'll wait for him though, because I do feel so strongly about him. Its nuts, I know. It's fast and I am still scared about all my feelings for him.

I walked in my house just before ten. Jasper and Renee were watching Kirk Cameron on some Holy Network.

"Bella, how is Edward?" She asked me as I hang my coat in the closet.

"He is fine." _I'm_ _sure you will be happy to know he removed my hand from his cock_, I thought to myself with a small smile.

"You remember him from the re-runs of _Growing Pains_ you use to watch?" Renee asked me pointing to the TV.

"Sure," I told her as I sat next to Jasper.

"Well, he is a Christian, and is talking about the Rapture!" Renee exclaimed. Jasper turned to me and smirked. I knew I was in for some crazy Renee talk. "Bella, it's so important to accept Jesus. If he comes back, you want to be a believer. You don't want to be left behind."

_Aw, fuck. Here we go. _

"Did you know, He is going to take all his people up to Heaven, it is going to be chaos here if you're not one of the people he takes! People will be driving and just _**VANISH**_! Planes will be flying and the pilot will just vanish. Imagine all the destruction and death." She said shaking her head in disbelief. "Did you know the pilot and the co-pilot of a plane can't both be Christians incase this happens?" She asked me. I couldn't believe her. She was extremely naïve and gullible. I could tell her Armageddon was based on actual events and she would believe me.

God Bless her, but Renee is a loon. Yes, she seriously believes the shit she is shoveling at me. She takes everything so literal and misunderstands so much it isn't even funny. Not that I personally know all about plane aviation or whatever, but really Renee? Where does she hear this crap?

Now I am listening to her babble on about the rapture and being left behind. All because of Mike from _Growing Pains_?! I knew I liked the homeless kid Luke better than him, and damn if he didn't grow up to be one hot piece of ass.

"Mom, I'm really tired…I'm gonna head to bed," I told her. I couldn't listen to this crap anymore. Jasper hugged me goodnight, Renee didn't, not that I expected her too.

Wednesday couldn't get here soon enough. I couldn't wait to see Edward, even though I couldn't hug him and kiss him whenever I wanted to there.

He always told me he loved me, and I loved him too, it's just not a phrase I used much. Not to my mom and not to my dad, they rarely told me and I would only say it back when they did. Edward on the other hand, always made me feel loved. He always made sure to say it to me.

When I walked into the Coffee House Wednesday night, I didn't see Edward. I wandered around and made my way toward the stage, and then I spotted his beautiful unruly hair over by all the sound equipment in a small room. I didn't know if I could just go to him. That's what I wanted to do, but wouldn't that be obvious? He noticed me and gave me a smirk, I felt my cheeks go red and I smiled back.

Most of the teens were chatting at the coffee bar, playing pool, and a few guys were shooting some hoops. Edward motioned for me to come over and I glanced around nervously hoping we were not being obvious. I didn't notice anyone paying attention to me or Edward. I made my way to the small room hidden in the back corner of the Coffee House.

"I missed you," Edward said hurriedly as I walked into the cramped room as if he couldn't wait to confess it.

"I know, I missed you too," I told him.

"Can you hang out after everyone leaves? I need to talk to you about something," he asked me.

"Sure." I told him worried about what he needed to talk to me about. "I better go back out there before someone notices."

"Yeah, you should" Edward responded as he grabbed my hand and squeezed it quickly. I smiled and walked out towards the coffee bar. That's when I saw her, Jane.

"Hey, so you were just with Edward?" Jane questioned me. God I wish I could tell this nosey bitch to mind her business.

"Yeah, he needed to talk to me about the volunteer work I do on Saturday." I lied to her.

"Oh." Is all she had to say as we walked toward the stage to get ready for things to begin.

"I heard he is getting back together with his ex from high school, Tanya." Jane said to me as we sat down.

"Huh, you seem to know a lot about Edward's love life," I stated. "How is that?" I asked her.

"Tanya is my cousin," Jane explained. I couldn't help but laugh a little. "They never even broke up; they just kind of stopped talking one day."

"Well, I think that means that they broke up," I continued to laugh. "Not that I really care about Edward Cullen's love life." I looked away from her and up to the stage as soon as Edward walked up onto the stage.

Edward talked first this time instead of playing. He said that in the next few weeks he wanted to discuss characters of man that God looks for in people. He started this week with Consistency. I couldn't help but to think I inspired this little story.

"God is looking for people that are not afraid to be different from the culture around them and to stand alone. Did you ever hear the saying: 'If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything'? What are you willing to stand for in life? We need people to be convicted, consistent in their beliefs, people that are committed to their values. I meet many people who are half committed to everything, and that is not a commitment at all. We all fall down, none of us are perfect. Even I make mistakes and bad choices sometimes. This week I want us to look at Proverbs 10: '_The man of integrity walks securely, but he who takes crooked paths will be found out_.'"

I guess my pressuring Edward was really getting to him. I didn't really know what else to think. I decided I would back off, let Edward move at his own pace. I wasn't going to leave him, it was time I just accepted his values and beliefs, and let him do things on his own terms. I really hope what he needed to talk to me about didn't have to do with this. He was carefree after Sunday's service about false guilt, and since we were no longer hiding from our families.

The band began to play and Edward said he had a new song he just wrote that he wanted to share. He had mentioned to me over dinner on Monday that he had been writing a lot of songs. I was really proud of him.

_Empty hands held highSuch small sacrificeIf not joined with my lifeI sing in vain tonightMay the words I sayAnd the things I doMake my lifesong singBring a smile to You_

God he was beautiful. His voice was so smooth, like velvet. Smooth, luscious, silky… I could hear the song beginning to build and I couldn't wait to hear him sing with more soul. It sent chills through me when I heard him sing.

_Let my lifesong sing to YouLet my lifesong sing to YouI want to sign Your name to the end of this dayKnowing that my heart was trueLet my lifesong sing to YouLord I give my lifeA living sacrificeTo reach a world in needTo be Your hands and feetSo may the words I sayAnd the things I doMake my lifesong singBring a smile to You_

Edward finished his song and as if I didn't feel shitty enough for pressuring him I felt like I was the size of an ant. I didn't really understand how important his beliefs were for him. This is his lifestyle, and I am being completely insensitive to it.

God I am such a bitch.

**EPOV____________________________________________________________**

I wrapped up with a quick prayer and told the kids to have a good night as they all filed out of the Coffee House leaving me alone with Bella.

I wasn't really looking forward to talking to her, but I knew it was coming and there was no reason not to warn her. She waited patiently for me at 'our' table. Every time I saw that table I thought of her, where we first kissed. I sat down across from her and placed my hand on top of hers rubbing it gently.

"I'm sorry," She blurted out. "I can be such a bitch….I didn't mean to make you inconsistent or whatever. I promise I will respect your beliefs more," she finished urgently.

"Bella did you think I was mad at you and that's why I wanted to talk to you?" I asked her.

"Well, yeah…I mean I heard what you talked about and the words you wrote…" She trailed off, her voice getting softer.

"No, I was never mad at you. I am glad you are finally seeing how important this is too me…but no I needed to talk to you about the band," I told her.

"Oh…"

"I didn't know if you knew this or not…but we tour all summer." It hurt so bad to tell her I would be gone all summer. Her face looked so defeated by the news. She bit her lip and I squeezed her hand. "I know it really sucks…but we signed contracts, I normally am not gone the entire summer. I normally don't go until the end of June, but I have to go to Nashville to record the new CD, and the dates we aren't playing I have to do some radio shows and promote. I'm not going to be back until September."

"So I'm not going to see you for what like three months? What does that mean?" She asked, and I could hear the sadness and panic in her voice.

"It means I'm going to miss you like crazy and call you every chance I get and I plan to text you a hundred times a day…you're the one that said nothing is forever…..this isn't either. It's for three months and its part of my job."

"When do you leave? When do you get back? Where will you be?" Bella asked me in a rush. I smiled at her reassuringly.

"I leave June first…I'll be back September fifteenth….I'm going to be all over…I have shows in Boston, San Francisco…even Canada. I am doing a week at Camp Westminster….a lot of the youth group here goes that week…you could…it's the last week of June…" I didn't think she would agree to it, but I wanted to let her know it was an option.

"Edward…I can't spend a week in that kind of setting, _**TRYING**_ to sneak around with you. Maybe I could come up for a day or two?"

"We have plenty of time to figure it out. I just wanted you to be prepared. I miss you when I am away from you for just a day."

"I know. Me too," she said sadly. I leaned in and kissed her quickly on the lips but I couldn't stop. I pecked her lips again and she smiled as I pecked her lips the second and third time, which then turned into a deeper kiss. My hand found the back of her head and I pulled her closer to me. I felt her hand move up my leg until she reached my hip. I loved feeling her fingers against my skin.

"Edward?" I heard Emmett's voice boom making Bella jump back with a look of sheer panic on her face. I brought my hand to her check and smiled

"I'm sorry, I should have told you, I told Emmett, he knows, its okay," I assured her.

"You probably shouldn't be doing that here, I could have been anyone," Emmett said a bit annoyed. I knew he wasn't fully on board the Edward and Bella train.

"I better get going," Bella stated getting up from her seat. I stood with her and kissed her cheek.

"I love you," I told her.

"I know me too," she said as her cheeks got pink.

"Don't worry it will be fine," I told her to reassure her about Emmett and the impending summer tour we were calling _Summer of Love_. It would be the first tour I would feel alone…without Bella.

The next day I was in the Coffee House going over some details of the Christmas Concert when Carlisle walked in the Coffe House. It was towards the end of the day and I was anxious to get home and talk to Bella.

"Edward, I need to discuss something with you."

"Sure thing," I responded motioning for him to sit next to me at the bar.

"I got a phone call today from Jane Ashford's mother. She said her daughter saw you and Bella together and it made Jane very uncomfortable. She said you were alone with her in the control room?" He questioned me. I knew Jane had a crush on me and could be manipulative.

"I spoke with Bella for a few minutes in the control room. We did nothing inappropriate," I told him.

"I know Bella is not a shy girl Edward, please be more careful. I would hate for you to get swept up in rumors, please keep that in mind." Carlisle warned me.

"I understand. I won't put myself in any compromising positions."

Dear Jesus I needed help keeping a level head with Bella.

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	18. Chapter 17 Monday Comes Around

**SM owns Twilight and the characters. **

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Chapter 17

Monday Comes Around

EPOV

Bella had promised not to pressure me anymore to take our relationship further physically until I was ready. I knew in the beginning of our relationship, she wasn't always completely honest with me. Sometimes she would say the things she thought I wanted to hear. I didn't need her to do that. I just wanted her to trust herself more, be more confident and stop hiding behind drugs and alcohol.

I was meeting Bella the Friday night before Christmas when she told me she had a surprise for me. I pulled open her truck door and gaped at her.

"Do you like it?" She asked biting her bottom lip as I helped her out of the truck. She looked completely different. She added some blonde highlights, and it looked hot.

"I love it," I told her with my mouth still hanging open. I ran my fingers through it once before tucking it behind her right ear.

"Good, 'cause I do too, I like to change things up, and it was either cut it or color it and I couldn't cut it." She told me as I walked her to my car.

"I'm glad you didn't cut it either," I liked her hair longer.

We drove up to Fort Washington to eat dinner, it was a bigger town and I wasn't easily recognized.

I don't think Bella realizes how much she has changed, but I can see the difference in her. She didn't drink or smoke nearly as much, and it didn't seem like she cared or missed it. Bella was almost two girls in one. When I first met her, she was concerned about partying and getting laid every Friday night in order to be happy. Now, when it was just us, I could see her happiness with just being herself. I was worried at first what was going to happen when the two versions of herself clashed. What was she going do when Fridays came around? Party? She surprised me. When Friday came around, she chose her new self. I could see those two girls coming together into a beautiful woman. She even admitted that she believed there was a God.

We didn't talk about religion much, but I had to know where she stood on the subject.

Bella and I were sitting in my house when I decided to ask her about her feelings on religion. I needed to know if she was open to the way I lived if I planned on having a future with her.

"Angel?" I asked sweetly as I tickled her exposed thigh that was draped over my lap. "Do actually believe in God…you know, in Heaven and Hell?"

"I never said there wasn't, I just don't get all the belief structures that's all." She simply stated.

"I know you go to church, I also know you go for a lack of a choice, and your mom's a bit eccentric…but umm…what do you think of it all….honestly?" I asked her.

"I haven't given it much thought, but I have some pretty good ideas." She responded.

"Ideas?" I asked. "Like what?"

"Just, ideas of what God expects. I don't like beliefs, there are too hard to change. They are like rules or some stupid shit ….like the stupid rule that says we can't be together. There are always exceptions, and all these rules and beliefs leave no room for gray areas. I think we are gray. I know we are not wrong." Bella spurted out to me. I felt relieved that she believed in God, it was a good start for her to build more faith and trust. I knew that wasn't going to happen quickly with all the love she lacked growing up from her parents.

I grabbed her waist and pulled her onto my lap.

"When did you get all insightful on me?" I asked her with a smirk.

"When I watched Dogma." She told me seriously.

"I guess everyone has to form their ideas from somewhere, it only suits you that it's from some Kevin Smith movie." I said, kissing her forehead. "I love you," I told her probably for the tenth time that day.

"Ditto," She responded back. She always said 'Ditto' or 'I know me too' and I didn't care in the slightest. She could take as long as she needed to work those words out of her perfectly plump lips for me, I would wait forever.

I was waiting to make sure that one day Bella would consider living her life for Jesus, before moving further with her. It is a lifestyle for me and I want to share the rest of my life with Bella. I have the patience and the faith that one day she will come to God on her own terms. I know that day will come, I was pretty sure the Lord was using me to guide her closer. All I had to do was show her what love is. I knew coming to the Lord was not something that was going to happen to Bella anytime soon, but I would take baby steps with her and watch the Lord work in her life.

I decided the next time we were together I would let things progress further, even though I was really nervous, there is a first time for everything.

The only thing I promised myself and Lord was to remain a virgin.

BPOV

I couldn't believe I was going to have to do without Edward the entire summer. I didn't tell him he would miss my birthday. I figured I would tell him later. He would be two days late to the event, and I didn't even like to celebrate it anyway. He would probably be more upset about it than me.

Edward told me we couldn't be alone or anything at youth group anymore because it made Jane uncomfortable or some shit. Whatever, she was just a jealous, sneaky bitch. Edward and I saw each other whenever we could. I didn't get to see him on Tuesdays or Thursdays because he had rehearsals at night with his band. It was getting even more hectic the closer Christmas got. I wasn't too pleased he was spending Tuesday nights with the Miss America cunt to rehearse for the concert, but I trusted him, and that's all that mattered.

Everyone at school still assumed Jasper and I were fuck buddies, even Alice. It's not like I can say "Hey I have a boyfriend", not even to Alice. We weren't partying as much, which I kinda missed, but at the same time I didn't miss it at all. All the time I spent with Edward, Jasper spent with Alice. They were becoming really close.

One night while Edward was busy with the Christmas concert Jasper and I were bored. We were drinking and smoking some pot when Jasper made me feel uncomfortable and awkward around him.

"Did you hear about Alice?" Jasper asked me as he let the smoke out of his lungs slowly.

"No," I simply said.

"Riley and her are together," he stated with disgust. I felt so bad. I was part of the reason Alice said she wouldn't go out with him.

"Huh…I didn't know there was anything serious between them," I told him.

"Yeah, you probably wouldn't would you? It's not like you are ever fucking around."

_Ouch, that was a low blow_.

"They have been hooking up ever since that party. Now they are just official or whatever," Jasper stated quickly.

"Jazz…" I began before he interrupted me.

"No B, it's cool. You have that tool Edward that's never gonna fuck you and I have my hand to fuck myself. I don't fucking get it." Jasper stated. His words were beginning to slur and I could tell he was drunk.

"What don't you get?" I asked him.

"Why I don't have you anymore, I don't fucking get it. I'd choose you over anyone, _anything_." Jasper stated.

"Is that what you're asking me to do….Choose?" I asked stunned.

"Never B, I know it's not me, I'd just be fucking myself over." He was right. It killed me to think that. My stomach twisted just at the thought. There would never be a choice. Jasper would do anything for me. I use to be able to say the same thing about him. Now though, things were different and there was one thing I would never be able to do if Jasper asked me to, give up Edward.

I moved closer to Jasper and hugged him. I didn't know what to say to him. I just told him the truth.

"You are my best fucking friend. I love you," I told him.

"You're just not in love with me. Yeah, I fucking know," he said to me with a small smile.

"Hey, I think I have a good idea," Jasper said with his trademark grin.

"Hmm?" I asked, hoping it was something I could do to make him feel better.

"You're not getting fucked….I am not getting fucked….I won't say shit to your prude boyfriend….we could continue our little secret." Jasper said raising his eyebrows to me as he moved his mouth toward me neck.

"I don't think so Jasper!" I said laughing, as I pulled back from him.

"Yeah, I didn't either, it was worth a shot though," he laughed back. "I could really use a blow job…"

"**JASPER**!" I exclaimed hitting his chest with the back of my hand. "I could really use some shit too ya know."

"Oh I know. All you have to do is ask," he continued to joke. For a split second my mind wandered to the way he his tongue worked in and out of me. The way his fingers moved inside….Guilt overtook me as the thoughts and pictures invaded my mind. I quickly replaced them with Edward.

"Thanks. I'll keep it in mind," I laughed.

We joked around some more before passing out for the night. I did my best to keep Edward separate from Jasper. I didn't want to make him feel worse about the situation, or seem like I was rubbing my relationship with Edward in his face.

As time went on Emmett began warming up to me, which was nice. Esme was always amazing and accepting towards me. She was more of a mother to me then Renee. Even though they all knew about me and Edward, I still didn't join them on Sunday for dinners. I kept my promise to Jasper.

Monday nights with Edward were my favorite, because we were always alone. His mom worked second shift on Monday's, so she wasn't done work until eleven o'clock at night.

I didn't pressure him anymore to go further. I have pretty much been safe at second going on almost two months now. I really felt for all those boys that waited patiently for their girlfriends to be "ready". I was giving up on the prospect of actually having sex with Edward, at least not unless I married him….which is not in my near future. I was still looking forward to possible orgasms by fingers…

Christmas was a few days away and I was in my favorite position…. underneath Edward. He pulled away from me and I pulled my shirt down. I licked my lips missing the taste of his wintergreen mouth.

"What do you want for Christmas?" He asked me. "'Cause I have no idea what to get you," he admitted.

"Hmmm…" I thought, before I remembered what I wanted. "How about an orgasm by my boyfriend's sexy fingers?" I breathed as I climbed on his lap and sucked gently on his neck. I didn't ask him what he wanted, because I already got his present. Kings of Leon were going to be playing in Nobelsville at the Verizon Wireless Music Center in February. I thought about getting tickets for one of the Christian bands he likes, but there's no point, he is opening for most of them this summer while he tours. Plus, talk about a setting where people would know him.

He didn't say anything about my suggestion for a Christmas present, and I didn't care. I enjoyed our make out sessions. I don't know how Edward did it; he must have the worst case of blue balls ever.

I still hadn't been able to use the actual words "I love you" to Edward. I plan to, I do. I have no doubt that I will. I just have barley spoken those words to Renee. If I knew what love was, it was because of Edward.

Every Monday night Edward and I cooked dinner together. It was fun and we worked well together.

I also implemented a new rule, we always had to have dessert, and said dessert needs to have whip cream involved. On out first desert night, I got whip cream on my nose and it was really cute how Edward licked it off my nose. I didn't ever stop getting it on my nose.

"Opps," I said to get Edward attention once I had the whip cream on my nose. He smirked at me and leaned forward to get the whip cream off my nose.

"Better?" He asked and I nodded yes. When he turned I took some whip cream on my finger and began dabbing it above my boobs.

"Crap," I said looking down at the 'mess' I made for Edward to clean up. "Do you have something I can clean this mess up with babe?"

"I do," he said leaning into me, and licking my chest. When Edward removed the mess from chest, I saw him swipe his finger through some whip cream, before he had a chance to put it anywhere on me I took his finger into my mouth and sucked off all the whip cream. It was so salty and sweet; it made me moan a little.

When I released Edwards's finger he attacked my mouth, he hadn't shaved in a few days and his stubble felt so good beneath my fingers. I loved to nibble along his jaw and down his neck, I loved it when his face felt rough.

His hair was really standing up tonight, and his sweatpants were hanging off his hips a little. I could see that he wasn't wearing underwear when he stood, his pants would fall slightly lower. I desperately wanted to lick his hip. If he thought he had a hard time controlling himself he had no clue the restraint it was taking me to not give those pants a slight tug to make them drop.

"Mmm…your stubble," I moaned out as I kissed his jaw below his ear.

"What? You don't like it?" He asked. "I can go shave," He offered thinking he was offering what I wanted.

"**NO**!" I yelled and he laughed at my reaction. "I love your stubble…and I love the way those sweatpants are hanging on your hips….those pants make it very hard to keep my hands above your waist and the feel of your stubble on that sexy ass jaw line are the only things keeping my hands away." I said as I sucked and nibbled on his earlobe.

Edward lifted me off his lap giving me a smirk. He lay back on the couch with his hands behind his head and I could clearly see his dick through his sweatpants.

"Go ahead," he dared me, "_**BUT**_ take it easy on me," he warned.

"Really?" I asked in disbelief. "You are sure?" He simply nodded yes.

I straddled his knees and just started at him amazed that he trusted me enough to take things further. I was glad I waited to do this on his terms. I moved my hand slowly down to his hard dick. I ran my hand up and down the length of it applying a little bit of pressure above his pants. Edward let out a hiss and threw his head back slightly and his eyes closed.

I continued to rub up and down applying more pressure gradually, making sure to ease him into it. After a few minutes his body relaxed more and he looked at me licking his lips.

I moved my hands to his waist band and paused asking permission to release his straining cock. He didn't say anything so I proceeded to move his pants down his hips slowly. When his cock sprung up I never wanted to put something in my mouth more than that moment. I knew Edward wasn't ready for that though.

I began moving my hand up and down his shaft. I made sure my strokes were gentle and slow. Once some pre-come seeped out I moved my hand over the head so I could use the liquid as a lubricant. Edward moaned and grunted while my hand held his dick more firmly and my strokes became faster. I let my index finger swirl the tip of his dick every few strokes. I knew he wouldn't last very long. His breathing picked up and he began panting as I moved my hand faster.

"I'm close," he managed to breathe out before his release was shooting out and running over my hand. I pumped a few more times to make sure it was all out as Edward grunted with every stroke. "Sorry…" Edward trailed off, he seemed a bit embarrassed. If I didn't think he would flip out I would have seriously licked every last drop of his jizz.

"Sorry? Are you crazy!? I don't mind at all…it has me all turned on." I told him. I wanted to reassure him that it was okay and plus it was the truth. I learned a long time ago I didn't need to be anyone but myself with Edward and he still loved and accepted me.

"Really?" Edward said as seductively as he could manage, as he removed his shirt to clean up the sticky white mess.

"Really," I said back. He tossed his dirty shirt on the floor and grabbed my hips pulling me closer to him and kissing me. Somehow I ended up beneath him; remember my favorite place in the world is under this man.

He hitched my leg up so my knee was bent and he ran his hand over the outside of my jean clad thigh. His hand moved to the top and then to the inside of my thigh. He inched his hand up until it was at my center and his hand was cupping my hot wet center. He began to rub and I pushed my hips up further into his hand.

I bit down on his shoulder, because it's been way to fucking long since I've been touched like that. His hand moved up and he unbuttoned my jeans and began pulling them down slightly. If I would have known this was gonna happen I would have worn a skirt or even jeans that weren't so tight. He continued to rub me over my underwear and I knew he could feel the moisture through the thin cotton. Every time his hand rubbed up over my clit I bucked my hips and moaned.

It felt like forever until Edward finally moved my soaking wet underwear to the side and slid a finger inside me. We both moaned. Every time he withdrew his finger he let it glide over my clit. I would have never guessed it was his first time fingering someone. I started to rock gently into his hand as my orgasm was building. He added another finger and his mouth attacked my neck. I rocked harder into his hand, because I needed more friction.

"Here…like this," I breathed as I moved my hand over his. When his finger withdrew to tease my clit I held it there and moved it with just the right amount of pressure in circles. Once I showed him how I liked it I withdrew letting him take over completely.

"Is this good?" he asked, his voice filled with apprehension.

"Perfect," I moaned as I felt my stomach tightening. "Just like that…..god that's good…….mmhmmm……..a little more pressure," I told him lifting my hips toward him. A few more circles with his fingers I felt myself contract and my orgasm take over as I yelled Edward's name and possibly the word fuck.

I smiled up at Edward, let's be honest I couldn't wipe the smile off my face even if I tried.

"Santa came early," I joked with him as he kissed my lips gently, humming against them.

He helped me fix my pants, he even zipped and buttoned them from me, it was probably the sweetest thing a guy has ever done for me.

I sat up and slipped my shoes back on my feet.

"It's getting to be that time," I told him with a slight frown motioning toward the clock. I hated to leave him on Mondays. I knew it would be at least until Friday when I got to be alone with him again.

Dear God why couldn't I just have him whenever and wherever I wanted?

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	19. Chapter 18 Breath of Heaven

**SM owns Twilight…BUT I own Mercyward**

**EXCITING NEWS!!! Awesome author I'mwiththevampires08 (go read her story Bittersweet Symphony!!) Is reviewing this story on Fornication Station on 12/16 - link on my profile!! Can I just say how amazed I am at how far this story has come!? And I could not have done it without so many of my awesome girls! I swear Pauline # 1 Bacon Grease hater started it all(aka ½ of NYNJTwigals – I had a blast with you guys this weekend!!), and convinced me to give this FF writing a shot! Then Jade stuck by me and then Keepingupwiththekids and The Sandbox came along (Yea the link to that is on my profile too!) And All my other FF friends on Facebook (Cocktag me on all Rob pics please?!) and my email group of girls (nln) Love you All!!**

**Beta'd by Keepingupwiththekids and Dolphin62958 Thanks so much for dealing with my comma issues (I swear I will never learn!) and of course all those pesky preps! **

Chapter 18

Breath of Heaven

BPOV

"Bella! Baby?" I heard my mom yelling through the house for me.

"Out here," I called from the porch. Renee came bounding out with this fake smile plastered on her face.

"I got some great news!" She told me in a rush.

"What?' I asked in my always uninterested tone I used with her.

"Charlie is coming to visit for Christmas!" I knew what she was trying to do. Tell me like it was a good thing…a happy thing, when really it was an 'I-could-give-two-shits-thing'.

"Why?" I asked a bit annoyed

"I guess 'cause he misses you. He wanted you to go to Forks, but I told him you wouldn't leave your boyfriend, so he is coming here. Give him a chance Bella; I think he wants to change."

"Yeah, well I am fucking sick as shit of my parents changing sixteen years too late," I stated as I pushed past her back into the house.

I didn't talk about Charlie's impending visit. I was annoyed, pissed, and not at all pleased about it. He was arriving on Christmas Eve and staying at a hotel with his wife Sue. They weren't going to get in until five at night and they weren't interested in attending church when Renee asked, and I was so relieved they declined the invitation. The less I had to pretend to give him a second chance the better. I didn't even tell Edward. I did not intend to let him meet Edward or have the opportunity to act like a protective dad. He didn't even deserve the title dad.

I was getting ready for the Christmas Eve concert at church and feeling a bit anxious for Edward. He had been working so hard to make sure everything was perfect and has been extremely busy this past week. He even cancelled youth group Wednesday night so he could cram in another rehearsal before the concert.

He assured me Tanya was aware that he was in a committed relationship with someone, and that she was far too proud to be turned down over and over again, so she was remaining professional.

Renee wanted me to wear red or green or some Christmas-ee shit, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead, I had a long sleeve jersey material dress. Of course, it was short and tight and the neck line swooped low. To please Renee I wore my red heels.

When I walked out of my room, I was greeted by Charlie.

"Bells!? Wow! You've really grown into a beautiful young woman," He told me as he approached to give me a hug. I hugged him lightly and gave him a small smile.

"Thanks," I said biting my lip.

"I was hoping you would consider skipping the whole church thing and come out to eat with me and Sue." Sue? You mean the step mom I never met? Normally I would jump at the chance to miss church, but this was an important night to Edward.

"I can't, it's a big night for my boyfriend," I told him.

"Your boyfriend?" Charlie asked. I looked at Renee with daggers in my eyes. "Your mom said he's involved in the church…how old is he?" Fuck. He was acting like he had a right to care about this shit and it was putting me in a piss-ass mood.

"It doesn't fucking matter how old he is," I stated. "I have to go, Edward's waiting for me. Have a nice dinner," I addressed my father and stepmother who had yet to even say hello to me.

I grabbed my purse and walked out with my heels clicking against the hardwood floor.

"You let her dress like that?" I heard Charlie say to my mom as I let the storm door slam closed as I left to meet Edward.

We were going to exchange gifts this evening, since chances were we weren't going to see each other on Christmas day. I still didn't feel comfortable around Reverend Carlisle, who would be at Edward's all day with Rose and Emmett, and I wasn't about to invite him to meet Charlie.

The area by the Coffee House was vacant, everyone was busy setting up in the sanctuary and I was a bit relieved we didn't have to be so careful.

He pulled me in the room and led me to the stage. He grabbed my hips and helped me up to sit on the ledge, as he gave me a quick kiss with a big smile on his face.

"Hey Angel," he breathed in between kisses. "I have something for you," he told me as he handed me a turquoise box tied with a white bow from Tiffany's.

"Edward," I gasped. I wanted to tell him he shouldn't have spent that kind of money on me, but I couldn't seem to form words.

"Hush woman, just open it," he silenced me.

I pulled the bow and slid the top of the box open exposing three silver bangle bracelets. One of them had a black enamel finish. The other two were engraved. One said, "Let me count the ways", and the other said, "I love you". They were beautiful.

"Edward, they are perfect. Thank you, but really it must have cost you…"

"Didn't I say to hush?" He interrupted me. Then to make sure I kept quite he began kissing me. "I also have something else you asked for later tonight," he told me in between kisses.

"I can't wait," I panted back. "Now let me get your present," I said as I opened up my purse and retrieved the envelope that held the concert tickets.

"Here babe," I said as he took the envelope from me. As he was opening the envelope, I slid the bangle bracelets on my left wrist, close to my heart. I had a bunch of cheap bangles from department stores, they were my favorite accessories and I couldn't believe Edward noticed that. They probably set him back over a thousand dollars and I had no clue he had that kind of money to spend.

He pulled the tickets from the envelope and his smile grew huge as read the tickets.

"Bella, this is awesome! This is going to be a blast! Thank you so much," he exclaimed before kissing my nose.

"Nobelsville is like two hours away though….is your mom okay with this? Do you think she will let us get a hotel room so we don't have to drive home so late?" He asked me.

"Renee's cool with it, I asked her about it. She knows were not having sex or whatever," I told him. Renee never got the glimpses of Edward I did. I don't think she even thought Edwards dick got hard.

I started running my fingers along the bracelets just thinking of how amazing Edward was to me, and how lucky I was to have him.

"This is the best present ever Edward, Thank you so much…for everything."

"You don't have to thank me…I love you"

"Ditto," I said back to him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and gave him a quick kiss. "I better get going, Renee said I could stay out until midnight tonight," I told him as he helped me off the stage, making sure my dress didn't ride up too much.

"Good, I can't wait," Edward said walking me toward the doors. I slipped out of the Coffee House and went to find Renee, Phil, and Jasper.

I spotted them by the refreshment table and I began to approach them. The stares from Tanya and her evil cousin Jane did not go unnoticed. I smiled and waved at them.

_Kill them with kindness._

"So B, what did lover boy get you?" Jasper asked as I glared up at him. I held out my wrist to show him the bracelets.

"Oh Bella!" My mom exclaimed. "Look at that! What a sweet boyfriend you have," she said in a hushed tone as she inspected the gift that probably cost more than my laptop.

"Thanks," I said not very sincerely, I wasn't the type to flaunt anything but my ass.

At seven, we went in to take our seats. The lights were low and there were candles all around the stage. The piano was center stage and there was a spotlight on Edward seated behind the piano as he began to play. Up on the projection screen the camera crew did an amazing job capturing him playing. His fingers moved on the keys gracefully and I couldn't help but to let my mind wander to what pleasure those fingers have brought to me. He spoke a prayer over his soft melody, thanking the Lord for the birth of Jesus.

His playing stopped and everything was silent before he began to sing _Silent Night_ accapella for the first few lines before adding the piano. He didn't play a lot of slow songs like I was used to hearing on Christmas. He even played songs like _I'll Be Home For Christmas _and _Jingle Bell Rock_ along with the more traditional songs.

Then for the last song, Miss fucking America and her amazing voice began to sing a pretty song. _Breath of Heaven_. The song spoke from Mary's perspective and was about how alone and scared she was finding herself pregnant and unwed. I couldn't imagine finding myself in her predicament in the year 2009 let alone back then.

Reverend C talked more about Mary and the trust she had in God, for the mercy of his plan. That even though it was dark for her she looked for him to be her light. Honestly, Jasper distracted me and I didn't pay much attention once Edward left the stage.

He handed me his little note (Yeah, Sunday sermon notes is what we called them) it simply said:

_I hate your boyfriend ya know that right? - J _

I didn't have anything to write back to that so I simply looked at him and frowned.

_I have your present - B _

_Unless it's a blowjob I don't want it - J _

I looked at him giving him an evil eye and he smirked at me. I shook my head and shoved the note in my purse. The hour was almost up and the concert was coming to a close.

When it ended, we were all standing around mingling like good little puppets for Renee. Jasper and I went over to sit down on some chairs in the lobby while we waited for Renee to make her rounds.

"So what's my present?" Jasper asked me.

"You are gonna have to wait till tomorrow to get it," I told him poking him in the chest playfully. "What did ya get me?" I asked him jokingly. I knew he wouldn't tell me.

"Doesn't matter, it's no thousand dollar Tiffany jewelry," He spat out right when Edward walked up.

"Excuse me," Jasper said getting up quickly and walking away letting his shoulder graze Edward's a bit roughly. I shot up to get him to stop, my purse falling to the ground spilling the contents onto the ground.

"Jazz! You don't have to go!" I yelled after him. It didn't matter he was already gone.

"Fuck," I sighed under my breath. Edward was already on the ground picking up all my crap. I bent down to help and he gave me the 'what the heck' look holding a paper out to me.

"What the heck is this?" He accused.

I took the paper and saw it was mine and Jaspers note from the sermon.

"It's nothing, it's just a note," I said taking it from his hands and coming to my feet. Edward grabbed my arm and pulled me into the empty church office.

"It doesn't look like 'just a note' Bella, it looks like your friend is asking you for head!" Edward seethed at me trying to keep his voice down.

"He was just being sarcastic Edward, he wasn't serious, and please I would _never_ do that to you," I tried to explain, defend myself.

"He means it Bella, trust me he means it! He just wants you to think it's a joke. How often does he say stuff like this too you?" Edward questioned me. I didn't know how to answer him. Jasper joked like this with me all the time.

"Answer me Bella! ...?" Edward pronounced every word deliberately. I had never heard a curse word escape his lips.

I felt tears in my eyes because of how upset this made him. A tear escaped as I told Edward.

"A lot," I whispered as I wiped the tear from my cheek. "I'm sorry," I said as more tears slipped down my cheeks.

"I don't like it," Edward said more calmly. "It's not right, I feel like he is trying to steal you from me. I would never want you to give up a friend for me…but I don't like it. Will you please talk to him? Because it makes me uncomfortable," Edward said pulling me into his chest. "I don't have anything to worry about right Bella?" He asked me and I shook my head no into his chest. I pulled back and he wiped my tears offering me a small smile.

"I'll talk to him, I promise," I told him.

"And if he continues you will let me know right?" Edward asked.

"Of course," I told him.

EPOV

I really wanted to give Jasper a chance, show him some understanding but, he was really making it hard for me. To be honest I was really upset with Bella for allowing him to say suggestive things to her. I trusted her and believed that she hasn't been physical with him, but it still hurt.

I really hated to see her cry; I could hardly stay mad at her. Being loved and in a relationship is all so new to her. It's new to me too, but it was things like this where her immaturity and lack of unconditional love showed.

I kissed her forehead and then wiped some of her tears off her checks with my thumbs. I gave her a sad smile, "if it doesn't stop, I will say something to him. I will fight for you."

"I'm yours. There is no reason for you to have to do that," Bella said to me. "I'm only yours," She whispered to me again as we began to kiss. The kiss grew heated and passionate almost desperate. I felt possessive over her like I needed to prove she was mine.

My hand was tangled in her hair as it grasped the back of her neck firmly pushing her harder into my mouth. My other hand trailed up and down her side; each stroke down my hand went lower on her leg until I touched her exposed thigh.

This time on my way back up my hand went under her dress. I rubbed against her center and felt the wetness through her thong. I reached back and squeezed her bare butt as she moaned into my mouth. She pressed against my hardness making me hiss.

I kissed and licked down her neck until I reached her breast. I bit them gently through her gray dress. It was so thin I could see her nipples standing out through the material. I walked her backwards until her back hit the wall. I moved her underwear to the side and began to move my fingers in and out of her. I began kissing her again as I put pressure on her clit with the palm of my hand while my fingers moved inside her.

"We shouldn't do this here," I panted out as I continued to attack her.

"Don't stop," she begged me. "I'm so close," she breathed and I felt her grow slicker. I moved my fingers faster; I pinched her nipples between my fingers with my other hand. I heard her grunt and felt her contract around my fingers. My fingers were coated in her juices, and my dick was throbbing. I moved my mouth from hers and watched her face contort in pleasure as her orgasm over took her.

I withdrew my hand and stepped back slowly.

"That was amazing," Bella said as she adjusted her dress, with a look of pure happiness on her face.

"I aim to please," I said slyly pulling her close to me. "I hoped to give you that present in a more private place," I told her kissing her head.

"I don't know which one I like better to be honest," She said intertwining her fingers with mine.

"Why don't you go out first…I'll wait a few minutes then I will be out," I told her. I wanted to be careful that no one would see us alone together.

"I guess I will just see you at your house?" Bella asked me.

"Yes, I'll be there by nine thirty," I told her as I kissed her check. She smiled at me and walked out. I waited several seconds before following and literally bumped into Tanya.

"Sorry," I said

"What were you doing in there? I just saw that little girl leave…what is her name? Belle?" Tanya questioned me.

"Um you mean Bella? Um…uh….she um just needed to talk to me for a second about a problem she is having," I struggled to lie.

"Well, my parents asked me to invite you and your mom over tonight," Tanya said walking closer to me.

"I'm sorry, I have plans tonight, thanks for the offer though," I told her, making sure I was polite.

"I figured as much. You never called me for that date," she said placing her hand on my chest. I looked down at her hand before I removed it gently.

"I'm really only interested in being your friend, Tanya. We tried the whole dating thing and it didn't really work out," I said still wanting to be nice.

"Edward, we were kids. Things are different we are more mature. Things can't be so serious with this new girl you are seeing, otherwise she would have been here tonight. I mean why did we break up anyway?" She asked, batting her eyelashes at me.

"We didn't technically break up, I mean we just grew apart…_GREW UP_, "I used her words to show her just because we were older didn't mean we would be better together.

"One date, Eddie," she begged using the stupid name she use to call me when we dated. She thought it was cute, it made me cringe."Let's just see where it goes. Before I got back home you said you would be willing to try again," I did tell her I would go out with her when she returned from her pageant duties, whatever they were. Then I met Bella and things changed.

"Tanya, to be honest, I am just not interested at all. My girlfriend and I really want to keep things private for right now, and no one said she wasn't here, I just have yet to introduce her formally, I hope you understand," I explained giving her my crooked smile.

"Oh…." She said sadly. I could tell she was shocked by my admission. She was not someone that was use to being turned down or told no. "Of course I do Edward…I'm going to get going," she began to back away from me slowly. "Have a great Christmas."

"You too," I told her as she walked away quickly.

I didn't get back to my house until quarter of ten. I felt bad for making Bella wait, and hoped she wasn't too uncomfortable without me. Carlisle, Rose, and Emmett were all over visiting, and I know they would make her feel welcome.

When I walked in everyone was gathered around the kitchen island picking at the spread my mom had put out on the counter. Bella looked up at me from the stool she was perched on and I gave her a big smile. I walked over and kissed the top of her head.

"Sorry, I got held up," I addressed everyone. I placed my arm on the small of Bella's back and rubbed it gently.

Carlisle placed his arm around my mom and they shared a smile. "Esme and I have some news we want to share now that everyone is here," he said wrapping his arms around my mother, "Esme and I are engaged!"

My mom was beaming as we all said congratulations and exchanged hugs. I was happy for my mom and Carlisle. They both deserved to be happy. They had set a wedding date for this coming May, not wanting to wait for me to return from tour.

I lead Bella out back to the porch swing to get some privacy before she had to leave. I held her hand silently, kissing the top of it every now and then as she rested her head on my shoulder.

"Are you okay?" She asked me.

"Yeah," I told her.

"Oh, you're just really quiet what are you thinking about?"

"Just how much my life has changed in what four months? And I'm guessing come May it's going to change even more," I said running a hand through my hair.

"Cause your mom's getting married," Bella stated.

"Yeah, I mean Carlisle has a house through the church. It's a pretty safe bet my mom's going to move in with him, and I am not. I mean I have a job and there's no reason I shouldn't have a place of my own anyway. I was planning on moving out after the summer tour. I guess I better make plans to move out before then though," I rattled off all the thoughts running through my mind.

It wasn't as if I couldn't afford to move out on my own. I just had a lot of changes happening in my life and had a lot on my mind.

"So what? You're going to start looking for an apartment or something?" Bella asked.

"Nah…there isn't much of an apartment market here. There are plenty of small two bedroom ranches around to rent though."

"Well, I won't mind the privacy," Bella stated. I smiled at her, and realized for the first time just how young she was. She couldn't even move out of her house legally for almost two years.

"What do we need privacy for Angel?" I asked her sarcastically. Her sarcasm was beginning to rub off on me, and I liked it. "Renee is okay with you being here because my mom is here, do you think she will feel okay when it's my place and not my mom's?" I asked her, just adding another thing to my life that might change.

"Edward, she thinks you're a saint. You could tell her you were taking me to the bunny ranch for a lesson on selling sex and she'd praise you for it," Bella shook her head.

"The Bunny Ranch?" I asked.

"You don't know the Bunny Ranch!" Bella exclaimed. I shook my head no. "It's a place around Vegas that sells sex - ya know cause prostitution is legal there…there is even a reality show about it."

"Huh….I may have to speak to your mother tomorrow about the shows she lets you watch," I joked with her.

"Tomorrow?" Bella asked.

"Yeah, she asked my mom if she, Carlisle, Emmett, Rose, and I would come over for dessert," I said as I nuzzled my head into her neck, breathing in her sweet scent.

"Um…did Renee mention anything else about who was going to be there?" Bella asked.

"Are you keeping something from me?" I asked her.

"Well it sounds bad when you put it that way," she stated. "My dad is kinda here."

"Kinda? Why wouldn't you tell me that? Do you think he will disapprove of us?" I asked, not sure why else she would keep that information from me.

"I could care less what he thinks, he's been an even worse parent then Renee and has no right to try and pull any shit like that. I just don't really care that he is here. I haven't seen him in four years; he hasn't been much of a dad. His opinion of you is not important to me."

"Well, it will be fine. I'll be there for you," I told her.

"Thanks Babe."

"Bella, I love you. Please, I want to know what's going on in your life and support you, don't keep things from me…promise?" I asked her.

"I promise," she said. We continued to rock in silence until she had to leave. I never wanted to let her leave my side.

Lord, let me keep her forever.

**Please leave some love!! I love to read all of them and hear what everyone is thinking!! I can't believe the awesome reviews I got on the last updates Lemon! I need more!! I swear you got me addicted to them!**

**OH and someone asked how long this is going to be…41 or 42 chapters…just depends on how I wrap up 41. 42 could be an epilogue, or 41 could be…just depends! **


	20. Chapter 19 Please Don't Leave Me

**SM owns Twilight and the Characters, I own some pretty hot Rob Christmas Cards from the girls over at The Sandbox and Facebook! **

**Much love to the beta's for dealing with my comma placements and preps, and telling me when I don't make sense! Keepingupwiththekids and Dolphin62958**

**You can come hang out at The Sandbox forums at www(DOT)fanfictionthesandbox(DOT)com - Author of Master of The Universe just joined and will be doing an author chat sometime soon!! How awesome!! **

Chapter 19

BPOV

Please Don't Leave Me

Christmas morning use to be a time I looked forward to something I got excited about celebrating. The older I got the lamer it became. Jasper stayed over claiming his dad was too fucked up to even notice it was Christmas Eve, and he woke me up at ten in the morning. I really didn't care about it. There was no cool toy or anything waiting for me under the tree this Christmas morning. I was however getting an unwanted visit from my absentee father.

I ended up getting my mom some book called "The Purpose Driven Life" for Christians that Edward suggested. Phil on the other hand, I had no clue. Renee said he needed ties; it seemed like such a stupid predictable gift, really impersonal. Let's face it, Phil and I rarely speak, we are impersonal.

I ended up getting Jasper a new iPod since I broke his old one on night when we were acting like drunk idiots.

"B!" Jasper yelled as he walked into my room for my morning wake up call. I shoved the pillow over my face and let out a groan. "Come on get up! I want my present!" He yelled bouncing my mattress with his hand.

I rolled over rubbing my eyes and extended my hands up to him so he could help me up. I gave him a hug and yawned out, "Merry Christmas," into his neck.

"Renee said Charlie is on his way," Jasper informed me.

"Fucking hell," I mumbled as we walked out to the brightly lit Christmas tree. Renee decorated it all matching with white lights and blue and silver balls. Jasper placed his arm around me as we walked in and there stood Charlie. He glared at Jasper.

"This your boyfriend?" He grumbled at me, referring to Jasper.

"Um, no this is Jasper my best friend…Jasper, Charlie. Charlie, Jasper" I introduced them quickly as they shook hands.

We stood there awkwardly for a few seconds until Renee came skipping in the room.

"Merry Christmas everyone!" Renee said in her cheery voice. "It's our Savior's birthday! There is no better reason to celebrate!"

We all sat down to exchange gifts and it was the most awkward shit I ever sat through in my entire life. Charlie handed me an envelope full of money, two hundred dollars. I thanked him, but not without mentioning it could have been mailed. Sue barely spoke; she must have been nervous or felt out of place. She looked down a lot and only seemed to be able to make eye contact with Charlie.

My mom gave me some gift cards to Hollister and the mall; she even gave me a pretty cool Coach bag. For Jasper, she got him a few video games for his PS3. She was really great to him, we even gave him a stocking. I put hair things in it for him. He is always stealing mine to pull his blonde locks back in a ponytail with whenever he got annoyed with pushing the hair out of his eyes.

Jasper got me some really awesome Ed Hardy shirts, costumed ripped. Jasper had gotten someone at the store to cut slits all over the shirt to make it sexier and more revealing. The cuts were made in all the right places, above the chest, across the stomach, and across the back of the shirt. Charlie grumbled about them being inappropriate for a sixteen-year-old to wear.

My mom gave Charlie and Sue a gift from 'us'. Sure, whatever. They were like distressed wooden oars to hang on the wall. Apparently, Charlie likes to fish and Sue can use it to decorate. They seemed to like them.

After we opened presents, the house phone rang. Renee came and handed me the cordless phone. I had no clue it was a phone call for me, she had been speaking to the person for like ten minutes.

"Hello," I spoke into the receiver.

"Merry Christmas Angel," I heard Edward speak to me. I closed my eyes and allowed the second real smile of the morning grace my face.

"Merry Christmas babe," I sighed back to him.

"I miss you; I can't wait to see you later," Edward told me.

"Me too. How is your morning going?" I inquired.

"Fine, I can tell you all about it later, but right now I wanted to make sure you were okay with your dad?" Edward asked and I loved how concerned he was.

"Uncomfortable to say the least….is it really odd that his wife has barley spoken a word to me?"

"Do you want me to come over earlier cause I can and I will," he stated, and I knew all I had to do was say the word and he would be here, but I wasn't going to take him from his family.

"No, you don't have to do that. I think I can survive until you get here. Jasper is here," I told him.

"Bella, you feel like my family. I'd rather be with you the entire day," part of me wondered if he just didn't want me to be with Jasper the entire day.

"If you want to come over your welcome to at anytime, I am just not asking you to ditch your mom and everyone to spend the holiday with crazy Renee and uptight Charlie."

"I want to spend my day wherever you are, nothing else matters."

"Come over then…whenever. The dysfunction of my family isn't going anywhere."

"Good, I'll see you in like an hour?"

"Sounds good to me."

"I love you," Edward said

"Me too…see you soon," I responded hanging up the phone.

I walked back out to the living room and sat next to Jasper on the love seat.

"What did Edward want baby?" Renee asked me.

"Just to say Merry Christmas…he is gonna come over earlier and hang with us for the day, that's okay right?" I asked my mother.

"Of course it is. He's welcome here anytime," Renee smiled at me then turned towards Charlie and Sue who were seated on the couch. "You two are going to love him! He is such a good boy!" Renee told them.

"Boy?" Charlie questioned. "He's twenty-two years old. What's he want with a sixteen-year-old girl? I can't wait to meet him; I have a lot to say!" Charlie ranted and ragged.

"Please don't dad," I begged and groaned. Charlie ignored me and continued in a heated debate with my mom about my relationship with Edward.

"He isn't like other boys Charlie!" My mom defended Edward. I rolled my eyes and I turned to Jasper and began to talk to him quietly.

"Jazz…about last night….can we talk about that for a second?" I asked him

He leaned his head back against the couch and closed his eyes as he shrugged his shoulders saying, "You're gonna talk about it either way…so just talk."

"We really have to stop flirting, it's not right. Edward found that note from church…ya know the one asking me to suck your dick," I mouthed the words suck your dick. "I would be really hurt if he was acting that way towards another girl," I trailed off, the thought alone almost breaking my heart. Things were changing. "It's not like we could stay friends with benefits forever. I know it will just take some adjustments and old habits are a bitch, but I want to be good to him." I said looking up at Jasper. His eyes were still closed and he simply nodded his head in agreement before he stood up and walked away. That was really bitchy of me to say to him on Christmas and really fucking insensitive. Why the fuck am I such a bitch?

I rushed up and ran after him, "Jasper! Please wait!" I yelled behind him as he exited out the back door.

"Don't fucking talk right now, Bella. You're happy, Mr. Innocent let-me-see-if-I-can-fuck-him turned into Mr. fucking perfect while I turned into nobody," he spoke, anger pouring out of his words, which hit me like venom.

"That's really fucked up Jazz. You are my best friend."

"Shut up B. I know your reasons, and I don't want to listen to them...I just feel like I lost my best friend. Maybe I shouldn't hang around so much for awhile," Jasper stated, looking down at the ground.

"What? No! You can't do that to me…" I protested; tears beginning to fill my eyes. I never held tears back with Jasper; I let them cascade down my checks. "You said you weren't going to make me chose."

"And I'm not Bella. I am telling you I can't sit around with you and watch you with him everyday anymore. It hurts me. I know how fucking cliché this sounds but I just need some time. I need to figure out my feelings." I felt a sob escape my throat. He was leaving me? He can't be leaving me. "Don't cry," he pleaded with me shaking his head.

"Please don't leave me. I'm sorry! I can be such a bitch sometimes! Just please don't fucking leave!" I begged him.

"Bella…it's not you." Jasper stated calmly.

"Right…it's not me…it's you…..I know I have been acting like I don't need you, but I do."

"You have Edward. You will be fine. Just give me a few weeks. I could never leave you forever."

"What are you going to do? Who's going to feed you dinner? You can't spend all that time with your dad!" I was so worried about him. He walked forward and grabbed my shoulders, looked me right in the eyes and kissed my forehead. I still hadn't bothered to wipe away my tears.

"Don't worry about me. I will be fine. I won't be fine if I don't figure this out though," I simply nodded at him before he continued. "I'm not going to disappear. I'll still talk to you at school and shit," he tried to make it sound better than it was. I was use to him being at my house even if I wasn't at my house. I came home to him, I woke up with him.

"I'm going to go," Jasper started to say to me.

"No goodbyes. This isn't goodbye, right?" I asked him as panic overtook me.

"No, B. I'll see you around."

More tears clouded my vision as he turned his back and started to walk away.

I couldn't just let him go without letting him know how much he meant to me. It took a few seconds for me to find my voice before I was able to yell after him, "Jasper!" I yelled.

He stopped but didn't turn to face me.

"I forgot to say how much I love you, what a beautiful person you are," he nodded his head and continued striding across my back yard. I sunk onto my patio steps and began to sob.

**EPOV**

When I pulled up at Bella's house, I saw Jasper walking to his car. I extended my hand to him and he refused it. I looked at him a bit puzzled. I knew he wasn't fond of me but I thought he would at least be civil to me.

"If you hurt her or break her heart I will not hesitate to kick your Christian ass," he said as he walked away. He didn't look back when he yelled over his shoulder that Bella was out back.

I walked out back and saw my Angel sobbing into her hands on the porch steps. I felt my heart ache. I rushed over to her pulling her in my arms.

"Shhh, hush Angel," I tried to soothe her.

"He left me…he fucking left me," she repeated over and over again in between sobs. I rubbed her back and began to rock her. "Please don't leave me…EVER!" Bella demanded.

"I'm here. I am not going anywhere." I continued to soothe her. It was obvious she was talking about Jasper. I wiped some of her tears as her sobs decreased.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked her cautiously. I was so mad at Jasper. How could he ruin her Christmas like this? Once I processed more information about the situation and the way she was acting, I became jealous. Her behavior was like that of a girl who was just broken up with her.

"I just asked him earlier not to say suggestive things to me," Bella said in between sniffles and deep intakes of breathe. "And he got upset and left so I went after him to say," her bottom lip quivered and her breathing hitched as she tried to form the words, "sorry," she finally managed to squeak out of her mouth. "And he told me that it hurt too much for him to be around me….that he needed time and it was him and not me…"

I wasn't very surprised that it came to this, he was her boyfriend to a certain degree, even if they didn't realize until now the lies that they told themselves.

"He just needs time…yeah….he will be back after he figures out his feelings," she began talking mostly to herself. I pulled her into my lap and gave her a hug. I kissed the top of her head right when the back door opened, my eyes shot up to the figure in the doorway.

"Bells," The middle-aged man stated as he glared at me, rubbing his mustache. I extended the arm I had wrapped around Bella up to him, not wanting to leave her side.

"I'm Edward," I said as he shook my hand with a contemplative stare and Bella tensed. "Everything okay out here?" He asked us.

Bella stood quickly wiping her face before turning to face the man.

"So you're Edward," he stated, "I'm Bella's father, Chief Swan."

"It's nice to meet you Chief Swan."

"Everything is fine. We will be in a minute," Bella told her father. He nodded and walked back inside the house.

"Just give Jasper some time to figure things out…I hate to ask this, but you don't regret being with me because of all this with Jasper right? I know he is your best friend, and I never wanted you to lose him," I told her. I couldn't bear the thought that the reason everything fell apart for them was me.

"It's not your fault Edward. It's my fault, and it's Jasper's fault for thinking sex could be casual…Just another Bella Swan fuck up to add to the list."

"People make mistakes. We all make bad choices; even I have made bad choices. What's important is that we learn from them. You and Jasper need some time to sort things out. It all takes time." I tried to comfort her. She nodded into my chest as I held her. I could feel the moisture from her tears seeping through my button down shirt.

"Let's just try and enjoy the rest of the day," Bella said as she tried to put on a smile. I smirked at her and nodded.

"I do have some exciting news," I told her changing the subject. "I'm going to start looking for a place to rent this week."

"So soon?" She asked me with surprise and excitement in her voice. I nodded yes and her smile grew wider.

"Yeah, well Carlisle and my mom's wedding is in May then I will be gone all summer and I don't want to come back homeless, so I figure the sooner I get settled the better," I explained to her.

"Please don't remind me that you're leaving," she pouted at me.

"You think Renee will let me kidnap you for the summer?" I joked with her.

"I bet she would," Bella stated as we walked up the steps and back into her house.

"Too bad, we are keeping this private," I sighed, because she was right. Renee would relinquish me her daughter for the summer, that's how much she trusted me.

"Edward!" Renee exclaimed as she embraced me in a hug. "Merry Christmas!" She finally released me and I shook Phil's hand.

"You met Charlie outside right?" I nodded yes to Renee and gave Charlie my most charming smile. "Well this is Sue, Bella's stepmother," Renee motioned toward Sue. I took the few short strides toward the petite Indian women and shook her hand gently.

"It's a pleasure to meet you," I told her, and we exchanged some pleasantries.

"Where's Jasper baby?" Renee asked Bella. I prayed Bella would be able to keep it together at the mention of his name.

"He had to go," was all Bella would say.

"Go? Go where?" Renee questioned.

"I don't know mom, he just had to go, can we please just drop it?" Bella pleaded.

"Fine, later," Renee stated. From what Bella told me Jasper was like a son to her. It must be really hard for Jasper right now. I assume he feels pretty alone, like he is losing a family. Staying away from Bella must not have been an easy choice for him to make.

"Edward," Chief Swan approached me with a Vitamin R Beer, "Let's go have a talk," he stated handing me a beer. I didn't want the eer, but I didn't want to look rude by not taking it.

"No thanks Chief Swan, I am not a big beer fan," I told him the truth. He shrugged his shoulders and cracked open the beer taking back a few chugs. He then began to retreat out to the back patio. I assumed I should follow. I kissed the top of Bella's head before I followed and she mouthed "sorry" to me. I smirked and shrugged at her.

"It's fine," I whispered back to her, following Chief Swan out back. I knew one day I might have to talk to my daughter's boyfriend and I had nothing to hide.

I stood in front of him with my hands in my pockets so I didn't nervously play with my hair. I was pretty sure he was trying to make me uncomfortable with the silence.

"How old are you Edward?" He asked after a few tense moments.

"Twenty-two sir," I answered him.

"Huh….and there aren't any girls your own age for you to date? You chose to date my sixteen year old daughter?" He accused.

"With all due respect Chief Swan, Bella is no ordinary sixteen-year-old, nor am I an ordinary twenty-two-year-old," I remained cool, calm, and respectful.

"Edward, you are a man and there is nothing extraordinary about that fact. I know Bella thinks I don't know her, but I do. Renee keeps me filled in very well about how wild she is, if I find out you are taking advantage of her and using your job to gain my naïve ex wife's trust to get into my daughters pants, I will shoot you," he said nonchalantly chugging more of his beer.

"I understand your concern. I love your daughter. I have no intention of doing anything that could hurt her," I tried to assure him.

"I just want you to know I may not be around much, but I am not as gullible as Renee. I will be keeping tabs on this situation. I don't like that you are six years older than my Bells. I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt because well, if you are everything Renee says you are, Bells can do a lot worse."

"I appreciate the chance to show you how much Bella means to me," I told him before he shook my hand again. He walked past me and back into the house and my hands automatically went through my hair as I let out an exaggerated sigh.

We ate dinner and Bella was a bit distant. I held her hand most of the day giving her reassuring squeezes and smiles. I knew Renee had excused herself for a few minutes and tried to call Jasper to make sure he was okay.

Sue was very quiet and barley spoke unless she was spoken to directly. I guessed she was very uncomfortable. Phil and Charlie just drank beer after beer and Renee brought out a cake that read "Happy Birthday Jesus," even I laughed a little at it.

My mom, Carlisle, Rose, and Emmett all arrived for dessert. My mom brought a Christmas cactus plant for Renee and Phil. Everyone was talking and I couldn't find Bella anywhere. I wandered down the hallway and knocked gently on her closed door.

"Angel," I called in as I opened the door slowly and peeked my head inside her door. She was leaning out her window blowing out smoke. "What are you doing?" I asked as the smell of marijuana assaulted me.

"Shut the door please," she said as she inhaled more of the drug. "You want a hit?" she asked me holding out her small joint.

"No thanks," I told her as I sat down on the edge of her bed looking at the ground. "That's not going to make him come back…you know that right?" I asked her; because I hated that she used drugs to cope with her problems.

"This," she said holding out the joint, "has nothing to do with _**HIM,**_" she stated. "Maybe if you had ever smoked it you would know."

"Bella don't fight with me. Your right I don't understand what being high or drunk feels like, I don't know how sex feels; I probably don't even know what it feels like to lose someone I love or half the things you know about. I do know _**THAT,**_" I said pointing to the joint, "is not the answer. What I do know is that I love you. I want to do whatever I can to help you be happy without having to get high," I didn't want to come across judgmental, but I couldn't allow her to think I was okay with the drug use either.

She put the joint out and walked over to her purse. She fished out some eye drops, titled her head back and squeezed a drop in each eye.

"Whatever, you don't want me to do it, I won't do it. Problem solved," Bella said walking towards me.

"No, that solves nothing. I want you to stop because you realize you don't need it. Not for me," I told her. "What? Do you just say or do whatever you think I want to hear? Are you just putting on an act?" I asked her, because she was awfully quick to please me.

"This is the worst fucking Christmas ever," she said quietly before her voice began to rise and she began yelling at me with a slight laugh, "yeah Edward, I am putting on a fucking act, pretending, whatever. If I were putting on an act, you would think I was a virgin and not the school slut, Jasper would still fucking be here with me cause guess what? I'd still be fucking him while trying to play you. What the fuck!" She finished as her door flew open.

"What is going on here?" Renee asked and I could tell she was trying to remain calm. "Is that pot I smell?" She gasped. "I'm sorry Edward," Renee turned to look at me, "can I have word with my daughter?" She turned away from me before I excused myself from her room.

All eyes were on me as I entered the living room, obviously everyone heard Bella's explosion. Carlisle and Charlie both glared at me arms crossed, Rose and Emmett's mouths were hanging open, and my mom just looked sorry for me.

I sat on the couch running my hand through my hair saying a silent prayer. My mom came and sat next to me, rubbing my back. I pretty much just exposed Bella and Jasper's relationship to our families while her mom thought I was smoking pot with her.

"God Edward, if you were going to date a teenager you could have at least chosen one on your experience level." Rose spit out at me.

"Rosalie!" Carlisle spat at her. I just looked up at her and shook my head.

"I didn't choose Bella. Being with Bella has never been a choice," I tried to put into words the way I felt for Bella. I never really told Rosalie how connected I felt for her. Rosalie could be very outspoken and rarely cared to think before she spoke. "Bella…she is like the air I breathe. Do you have any idea the internal struggle I face being with her? Keeping things 'private'? Knowing normalcy for us is something you and Emmett take for granted…that I can't hold her hand in public. Because of judgments from people like you Rose, and let me tell you another thing, the love I feel for her…it is agape."

"Agape? What kind of weird Christian shit are you spitting out? You know Cullen, when we had our little talk I didn't mean for you to get the idea that my daughter was taking advantage of you!" Charlie spat out pointing his finger at me.

"All I have ever done is show Bella complete understanding and love, thoughtful love, self-sacrificing love, active love, volitional love, which is agape. Certainly something you sure as hell never showed her." I yelled back at him getting to my feet and pointing back at him. "Maybe Bella wouldn't even have the reputation she has at school if she didn't have to go find attention elsewhere! Maybe if you told her more that you love her, she wouldn't have the issues she does with misplaced love, and she'd be able to say it! I bet you didn't even know that do you? That she can't say 'I love you'!" I almost felt bad, but once I saw Charlie drop his head in defeat, I knew, he knew, I was right.

"Edward, have a seat. There is no room for blame in this situation," Carlisle stepped in to break up the tense moment. I let out a breath slowly and backed up a few steps. "You and Charlie both love and want what is best for Bella, arguing and accusations are not going to solve anything." I watched Charlie crack open another beer and I sat on the couch hoping everything would be okay.

We could really use some understanding Lord.

**Reviews mean the world to me...Review for a teaser to chapter 20!! **


	21. Chapter 20 Have We Lost

**SM owns Twilight and the Characters**

**This chapter was Beta'd by a very close friend of mine Iadorepugs. Keepingupwiththekids had a lot going on with her family during the holidays and I wanted to get this out while I am on break and have nothing better to do. So I want to thank Pugs for stepping in and looking over this chapter for me so I could post while Keepingupwiththekids take a much needed break and spends time with her daughter who is back home for the week from school. **

**Are you reading Ride The Wind by Iadorepugs? Link on my profile for that and her new one shot Destiny and Driftwood – all smuttastic!! **

Chapter 20

Have We Lost

_Where have the children gone?We were innocent once...that was so long ago,Have we lost our way back home?We have made mistakes I know, I know_

_Have we Lost, Flyleaf_

BPOV

"Bella what is going on here? You and Jasper have been having sex?" Renee asked me as calmly as she could. I closed my eyes and pushed my hair behind my ears. The cat was out of the bag. Everyone knew. Me and my big fucking mouth. .mortified.

"Not since I started seeing Edward, but yes, we had been having….sex," I told her looking down. The word sex leaving my lips and entering Renee's ears was just not right.

"Bella….I just……I don't know what to say or how to handle this. Obviously I am too late to say anything that could have stopped you. I just don't understand," Renee seemed to be struggling with this as much as I was. "What happened with Jasper?" I felt the tears fill my eyes. For the first time ever, I really cared that I had disappointed my mom with my behavior.

"I don't know….he thinks he wants to be with me," I told her. I could hear Charlie and Edward arguing out in the living room, and cringed at the reminder that I couldn't express in words my feelings for Edward.

"Yet, you are with Edward, you didn't choose Jasper and he was upset and left?" She asked me carefully.

"He never asked me to choose. I don't have a choice. There is no choice. It just hurts Jasper to be around and watch me with Edward. He said he needed some time."

"Bella, please don't make me pull teeth to get this out of you, just tell me. I don't want this to be twenty questions."

Fuck my life.

I told her everything about James and Jasper. How he protected me, stood up for me, and made my life at Winchester High School bearable. It was no secret I was known as the 'school slut', and in such a small town even the adults gossiped about that. Either she chose to ignore it, or didn't believe it. I didn't know which one, I didn't care. I had no desire to talk to her about it. I left out most of the drugs and drinking. I told her about Edward's reaction and his understanding.

"Bella….I feel like such an awful mother, never knowing any of this, I had heard some gossip and just thought the other girls were jealous and making up rumors about you….." I wiped the tears from my eyes and just shrugged. "I think it's safe to say you learned your lesson about sex, that it's not casual. You are very lucky to have Edward."

"I know," I stated keeping my eyes downcast.

"You know I have to ask about this pot I smell….you're not off the hook," Renee stated. Of course I'm not. "I still can't believe you and Edward were in here smoking pot," she shook her head.

"Edward wasn't smoking, I was. He was telling me he didn't like it." I defended him and continued to tell her about the fight and the reason for my outburst.

"Bella, I have a house full of guests. I don't want that crap in my house. I don't want you doing it period. I don't ground or take things away, I am not a punisher. You are sixteen-years-old. I don't think grounding you for the week is going to make you stop smoking it. Just please listen to me when I tell you no good will come from it," I nodded at my mom. "Why don't you get yourself cleaned up and come back out with the guests? They are _your_ boyfriend's family," she said rubbing my arm and giving me a faint smile.

"Sure," I told her with a fake smile. Not a problem. I can go out there. I can face them. Who the hell was I kidding?

It was official. They all knew I was a slut, damaged goods. I didn't want to go face them. Not everyone is as understanding as Edward.

I splashed some water on my face and re-applied some make-up. I took a few deep breathes before I opened the door and got ready to face everyone. I walked slowly toward the living room where everyone was mingling and laughing like nothing had happened. I saw Edward laughing with Emmett on the loveseat. Edward smiled big at me and motioned for me to come to him. I walked to him slowly and he offered me a sincere smile.

"Hey Angel, sit," he said inviting me to sit on his lap. I smiled at him as I sat on his knee wrapping my arm around the back of his neck. I leaned my head down to his and played with the hair at the base of his neck. "Everything okay?" He whispered to me. I nodded yes. "I'm sorry," we both whispered simultaneously. We laughed and he squeezed me before returning his attention back on Emmett.

They were talking about the upcoming tour and I hated being reminded of that. I tried my best to block them out and just focus on the way Edward felt. Trying my best to capture the feel of his touch, his scent, the way his hair stood perfectly messy, the green of his eyes, and the sharp jaw line that was freshly shaved. I was going to be without him all summer; I wanted to remember all of him. I ran my finger along the smooth surface. I missed his stubble. Edward said he wanted to shave for the Christmas Eve concert, he wanted to look clean. I mean most of the time he did look pretty messy. Dare I say dirty even? It was nice to see his hair clean and clothes in order.

When it was just us hanging out most of the time he wore clothes he must have had since he was in high school. There were holes and spots he had sewn back together, and somehow he could pull it off looking hot. No one else in the world could pull off hot hobo like Edward Cullen.

Everyone but Edward left around eleven o'clock. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. No one brought up my outburst and not once did I feel judged by them.

Renee said Edward could stay and hang out for a little while since it was winter break. She went to bed shortly after everyone left, and Phil had passed out around ten o'clock from the amount of beer he drank all night. I was thankful because the time Edward and I had spent together today I was either crying, screaming, or in the presence of parents.

Edward was sitting on the couch long ways, with his feet propped up when I came back from getting changed into my sweats. I sat in between his legs resting my back against his chest. His hands came to my hips and he began tracing his fingers up and down my sides.

"I feel like a jerk for what I implied earlier," he spoke softly as his finger snaked under my shirt. "I'm really sorry," he said as his lips found my neck and his hands found my breasts.

"I know." I breathed. "But really I am the one that should be saying sorry, I acted really immature." I was thankful I took off my bra as is hands kneaded my breasts and pinched my nipples. I felt his hardness against my back and pushed back against him as I tilted my head giving him better access to my neck. He slid the spaghetti strap down my arm as he kissed down on my shoulder biting it gently. He moved his hands slowly back down my stomach and under my sweat pants and underwear. My breath hitched as his long fingers slid over my clit and into my folds. I moved up and down against his hardness matching the rhythm of his fingers.

"I love how wet you feel," he breathed and those words from his lips brought on my orgasm. I couldn't believe he was talking dirty to me.

"Fuck Edward," I grunted as I tightened around his fingers. I tried not to say things like "oh god" or "god damn", but I couldn't fully control the things that feel from my lips when I was feeling that high. He rubbed my clit a few times before he removed his hand from my pants. I turned around to face him. I took the hand he just used to bring me pleasure and seductively sucked on the fingers that were just inside me. His eyes were hooded and I decided I would see if he would let me take things further with him. I released his fingers and slid down his body. I began to undo his pants and released his hardness from his boxer briefs. I moved my hand up and down the length a few times before I just went for it and brought it into my mouth.

"Bella," he began before I sucked back up his length and swirled my tongue around the head of his penis. I looked up at him as I moved back down his length. I had been so anxious to taste him. His pre come seeped into my mouth and I continued to move my mouth up and down adding my hand. Edward began stroking the back of my head gently letting out low grunts and moans.

"Where do you want me to finish?" He hissed out. "'Cause I am close."

As I moved back up his shaft I removed my mouth completely and said, "I swallow." As I put him back into my mouth. I only had to move up and down him once more before his come shot into my mouth and I swallowed it back. It was by no means sweet or delicious, but it was the best jizz I had ever tasted.

"I wish you wouldn't have done that," he sighed with a crooked smile. "How am I supposed to show restraint and resist you when you do things like _that_ to me?"

I shrugged, "I hope you're not mad…." I trailed off, because I should have asked him. I knew once my lips touched his cock he wouldn't be able to tell me to stop, and I had promised him I wouldn't push him further then he was willing to go.

"You did catch me a bit off guard, I'm not complaining though," he said to me. "I hate to leave you so soon after you….um…..did that," Edward struggled for the words, "but I don't think Renee intends to find me here in the morning."

"Screw it, stay." I pouted to him.

"I can't Angel. I don't want to lose your mom's trust. It's important that I keep her trust so I can be with you." Edward explained to me gently brushing a few strands of hair off my face.

I sighed, "I know, you're right," I said as I forced myself off of him. I walked him to the door and he kissed me lightly on my lips.

"I love you, sweet dreams," he told me

"I know, you too baby." I told him still struggling to say the words. They rang in my head, but for some reason they couldn't make it out of my lips. He smirked at me making my stomach flutter before he walked out into the darkness.

I groggily made my way to my bed as thoughts of Jasper overtook my mind. As tired as I was, I couldn't find a restful sleep I desperately needed. I was worried about Jasper and I missed him. Regret isn't something I do or feel. I understand it better now though. I hated that Jasper and I had sex so causally and were stupid enough to think we could escape unharmed.

There was a weight in his eyes today. For a moment I wished we were innocent children… that we could go back. There was no going back, my innocence was lost a long time ago. I knew it was a mistake and I just hoped Jasper and I had not lost too much because of that mistake.

The next morning Renee came in my room at the butt ass crack of dawn for a 'search', since I was such a heathen and corrupted sinner.

She took the weed, the vodka, my bowl, and yes the magnum condoms I had stashed for me and Jasper's sexcapades.

"At least you were being careful, I guess I can thank God you two weren't complete idiots," Renee huffed. I stayed quite. I was in no mood to see if Renee would actually try and ground me.

Lucky for me she didn't find my prescription pill stash, I kept them in a Midol pill bottle. That bottle held a wide variety of pain killers, muscle relaxers, and uppers. Let's face it….I had a lot of pain to kill.

"I really can't believe you Bella," she seemed to be stuck on repeat only having a few phrases to repeat about my behavior. "I raised you better than this."

"I'm sorry," I muttered after every phrase.

"That was really embarrassing behavior yesterday." All I could do was sigh and say my hundredth 'sorry' for the morning.

"I don't think I have a choice but to set some more rules for you Bella."

"Mom! Come on!" I tried to argue.

"Bella, do not argue with me. Once you prove that you can act like a responsible adult I will give you more privileges," she sighed taking a seat on the edge of my bed. "First, no going out on school nights, unless it is a church function. Second, weekend curfew is ten o'clock."

"F M L" I said as I buried my head in my hands. She had no fucking clue what F M L stood for. At first I was a bit upset she was completely cockblocking me and Edward. That was until I realized she never said he couldn't come over _**MY**_ house. I wasn't about to ask, I was just going to invite him over. She wouldn't say shit once I pointed out one of her rules did not include friends coming over and hanging out.

Renee left and I tried to go back to sleep. She said she was going to stop by Jasper's house and check on him. She brought him some of the leftovers from Christmas dinner. I was really pissed because no one seemed as disappointed in Jasper as they were me. That just because he was a man it was normal for him to have casual sex. I'm sure Renee gave him shit, I would never know. It's not as if I can just call him up and ask.

The week passed by in what seemed like slow motion and much of it a blur. Renee kept checking up on Jasper, all she would tell me was that he was fine. Edward and I went out a few times since it was Christmas break and not technically school nights. I would never let him leave me at ten and Renee never said anything about him hanging around.

It was New Years Eve and I had been looking forward to Riley's New Year Eve's party. I told Edward I didn't want to go. I didn't know how weird it might be with Jasper, and I didn't want to be without Edward. It was official, I was a pathetic dependent girlfriend….I was my own worse nightmare.

"Just go until ten Angel, I'll meet you at your house then," Edward coaxed me to go. "You shouldn't not hang out with your friends just because I can't."

"I guess I could make an appearance. I don't think anyone would even notice if I was there or not." I sighed.

"Alice would want to see you." Why was he always right? If he was here with me, instead of on the phone I would stick my tongue out at him. Alice was the only true friend I had at school. It would probably be wise of me to nurture my friendship with her.

"Fine," I relented. "I guess I should go get ready," I told Edward. "I will see you at ten?" I confirmed.

"At ten Angel. Have a good time and be safe."

"Always," I told him. He said he loved me, and I told him ditto. I put on the ripped Ed Hardy shirt Jasper got me with skinny jeans and ankle boots. I told Renee I was going out with Alice for a bit and would be home by ten.

"That shirt is a bit revealing Bella, don't you think?" Renee scolded my appearance.

"Its fine mom."

"You're asking for trouble," she said as I rolled my eyes at her.

"Trouble?" I laughed at her. "I think you've done a fine job of chasing the trouble away." I grabbed my purse and walked out the door.

Chances were I would have no one to talk to except Alice tonight, I doubted trouble would be an issue. I missed the trouble Renee was hell bent on keeping me fun. Drunk, high, sex filled trouble….it was fun.

If the Lord answered prayers I'd find a little tonight.

**Reviews get a Teaser!! And If I get lot's of reviews I will post the next chapter before New Years Day!! There is trouble coming...**


	22. Chapter 21 Halo

**IMPORTANT AN – PLEASE READ!! I am working on a new story under the penname DevilishPleasures, it's a huge collab between me, Iadorepugs, I'mwiththevampires08, NJNYTwiGals, and lolafalana. The story is going to be crazy, fucked up, and one of a kind!And as EtoMyB said about her preview, "The Fic world is going to shit themselves!" She is already working on a banner for it!! SO EVIL! It's called Wicked Angel and here is a short summary for it: **_**I am Edward Cullen, I have a deadly secert, I am a hit man. My new target: Bella Swan. **_

**The link for DevilishPleasures is (Replace DOT with . ) www(DOT)fanfiction(DOT)net/~devilishpleasures – GO and put this account on alert for the awesomeness that is coming! **

**I may post the prologue here on my account as well! But don't alert it here, because it will be updated under DevilishPleasures **

**SM owns I don't**

**Iadorepugs and Dolphin62958 Beta'd this for me! Thanks Ladies! They made this New Years Eve Chapter possible to post close to NYE!**

Chapter 21

Halo

EPOV

_Where are you? _I texted Bella at ten after ten. I didn't want her to get in trouble for being late. I waited five minutes and she hadn't responded. I was a little worried but figured she lost track of time and I was over reacting.

I walked to her door and knocked.

"Edward!" Renee exclaimed as she opened the door. "I hope my daughter is with you, you know her new curfew is ten."

"No Renee she isn't with me, I just spoke with Bella, and she is having some trouble with her truck. I just wanted to let you know I was going to get her. Her phone died before she could tell me the address, and I need to know where Riley's house is," I lied. I was so shocked at how easily the lie came out of my mouth. I knew it was wrong; I just couldn't seem to care. All I thought about was keeping Bella out of trouble with Renee.

Once I had Renee's confusing directions, she had no names of streets, only odd landmarks. I drove slowly through the quaint town of Winchester looking for the house with green shutters and bird fountains on the lawn. It was a bit risky for me to show up looking for Bella. I hoped I could blow it off as doing a favor for her mom. The music from the party could be heard a block away and the house was fairly easy to find.

I parked the Volvo and pulled the hood up on my jacket hoping to be less noticeable. I approached the house with my hands in my pockets and gaze cast downward to avoid any curious eyes. I stepped over the Natural Ice beer cans and a few inebriated kids. The house was dark and filled with smoke. The living room was the dance floor and I scanned the area for Bella as I watched kids grinding against each other.

_What was I thinking encouraging her to come to a party like this? _

I was watching two guys sandwich a girl between them as they grinded into her. I watched their hands travel wherever they pleased. One of the hands traveled down the girl's side while they other's moved up her legs. I was about to turn when the girl turned around and it wasn't just any girl…it was _my_ girlfriend.

I saw Jasper sitting on the couch looking at me with a smirk on his face. He seemed pleased that my girlfriend was on two other guys' dicks. I glared at him as I swiftly made my way to her. When I reached her, I grabbed her arm firmly and pulled her out from between tweedle dee and tweedle dumb. She stumbled into me. Great. She was obviously drunk.

"What are you doing?!" She yelled at me. "Let go of me!" She said through clenched teeth.

"You were supposed to be home thirty minutes ago. Please let me get you out of here," I pleaded with her quietly.

"You want me to go home to Renee like this?" She laughed at me.

"I'll handle it….trust me?" I pleaded with her.

"Yeah B, you should go," Jasper came up chugging back his beer. Bella and I glared at him.

"Fuck you Jazz," Bella spat, and he continued to smile and drink.

"Anytime B," he said with a wink.

"Back off Jasper," I warned him pointing a finger into his chest.

"Don't fucking touch me, take your drunk fucking girlfriend and get the fuck out of here before I have to watch her hook up with everyone but me," Jasper spat back at me. I shook my head at him. Most the kids at the party were watching the scene unfold and I couldn't seem to care. So what? She was my girlfriend. Her mom said it was okay, I still would keep it private. If anyone asked, I wouldn't deny it. I also wouldn't elaborate on any of it. Frankly it was none of their business. Everyone was already asking me about my girlfriend at the church. I just smiled and told them all the same thing, that she was great and would get to meet her soon enough. They speculated that it was a friend of mine from a camp I spent two years at every summer, Kate. I was friends with her, but only talked to her two weeks out of the year.

"Some friend you are," I told him as I wrapped my arm around Bella's waist and began to lead her outside when I heard Jasper yell after us.

"She never had an issue telling _**ME**_ she loved me!" I stopped dead in my tracks and looked down at Bella begging her with my eyes to tell me he was lying, making up a reason to come between us.

"It's different," she whispered looking at the ground. My eyes closed and I looked away from her disappointed. I felt like I had been taken advantage of by her. I hesitated only a moment before I held onto her tighter and brought her out to the car.

I helped her into the Volvo and took out my cell phone dialing Renee. I was so overwhelmed with emotions, I became numb. I knew what steps needed to be taken and I just began to go through the motions, pushing aside all the hurt and anger I felt in that moment. It would have to wait.

"Hello," she answered the phone.

"Renee its Edward, Bella's truck broke down, it needs a new part. I can't fix it tonight. I was hoping you wouldn't mind if I took Bella to Mrs. Wicks for some pie before we come back there?" I asked, because there was no way I could bring her home without getting some food and coffee into her, plus Mrs. Wicks has the best pies, it's not an odd thing to do in Winchester.

"Sure Edward, will you bring me and Phil each a slice of banana cream?" She asked.

"No problem, thanks Renee." Once I hung up and opened my door, I climbed in the Volvo hesitantly. I had never been more upset with Bella then I was tonight. I knew I shouldn't be surprised that she had gotten so drunk. That she let those guys put their dirty hands all over her combined with Jasper's news, made me question everything. I was not about to discuss my feelings with her while she was drunk. I knew better then to try to get through to anyone who was drunk. I ran my fingers through my hair before I started the car and peeled away from the curb.

"What the fuck Edward!" Bella exclaimed when the car jolted her in the seat.

"Sorry," I said simply.

"What is your problem?" Bella asked me defensively.

"We can talk about it later," I said trying to remain calm and not show my anger anymore.

"NO! Tell me now!" She yelled.

"Drop it. Now is not the time," I said as anger filled my tone.

"Fucking tell me Edward," she glared at me.

I pulled sharply into the diner's parking lot and slammed on the breaks.

"You want to know what my problem is Bella? I will tell you. I just walked into a high school party to find _**MY**_ drunk girlfriend being taken advantage of by not _**ONE**_ but _**TWO**_ horny boys who were _**DRY HUMPING **_her on the dance floor. I had to watch as their hands groped you!" I yelled at her slamming my hands on my steering wheel. "And I am not even going to attempt to talk to you about the whole Jasper situation."

I looked over at her and noticed that she could barely keep her eyes open.

"Bella let's go get you some coffee," I said solemnly as I got out of the car. I opened her door and I pulled her too me. I guided her inside the diner and ordered two coffees. We were seated at a booth and I slid in next to her.

"How much did you drink tonight?" I asked her.

"I don't know….I just remember drinking one wine cooler at like eight, I don't even remember finishing it," Bella struggled to speak.

"Who did you get it from?" I asked worried someone put a date rape drug in it.

"Um….Alec, I think," she slurred her words. I kissed her on the mouth to taste her. With how drunk she was acting, I should be able to smell the alcohol on her breath, but there was nothing. No smell and no taste.

"Alec?" I questioned. "Brown hair? Beady eyes?" I described one of the guys she was dancing with.

All Bella could do was nod yes. I was really worried about her. Once a girl in the youth group came to me to tell me she had been slipped a date rape drug and asked me what she should do. There wasn't much for her to do at that point though. It was too late. I didn't want Bella to feel the same way.

"Bella I think we should go the hospital or something…I think we need to report what happened tonight."

"No!" She cried. "Please, no. I don't want to get in trouble!" Bella attempted to yell.

"You didn't do anything wrong. They did," I told her.

"No, I don't want to get all the kids there in trouble."

"Bella, what if they do that to someone else and there is no one to stop them? We can stop it from happening to someone else tonight. I can't in good conscious let that go on," I tried to explain to her. I was thankful they didn't get a chance to really hurt her.

"Please don't," she tried to beg with me. "Everyone will think it was me! They will make my life at school so hard! I don't want Riley, Alice, and Jasper to get in trouble."

_Screw Jasper_

"Fine," I relented throwing down a twenty and pulling her from the booth before any of our order got there. I wasn't going to argue with her anymore about it. I drove quickly back to the party.

"Stay put," I ordered Bella as I swiftly got out of the car. I pulled my hood up over my head, and I made my way back in the party searching for Alec. I found him making out with some girl against the wall after I asked a few kids if they'd seen him.

I grabbed him by the back of his shirt yanking him off the young girl that could have easily been Bella.

"What the fuck!" He yelled at me. I shoved him against the wall and held him there.

"I'm only going to ask you this one time, what did you put into Bella's drink?" I asked through gritted teeth.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said with a shaky voice.

"Hmm…I think you do, and I think I know how to get you to remember," I said before I punched him in the gut. Just then, Jasper and a clean cut blonde guy came up to see what was going on between me and Alec.

"What the hell's going on?" The blonde boy asked.

"This piece of shit put drugs in Bella's drink," I told them. "I want to know what it was," I said turning back to the scared boy in front of me. "Are you ready to tell me?" I asked him.

"It was nothing…..just some Rope," he said it like it wasn't a big deal. I punched him again before I felt Jasper pull me off him.

"I'll handle it, go take care of Bella," he said sincerely. It was almost as if we had an understanding in that moment. Protecting Bella was the only thing either of us wanted and I respected him for that. I nodded at him before I walked out ignoring all the stares and gaping mouths.

When I got back in the car Bella told me she felt dizzy.

"I know Angel. You'll be okay," she would be okay, some sleep would cure her. Me on the other hand? I just punched a minor in public with witnesses. Once this got out, I wouldn't have a job.

I pulled up to Bella's house and helped her out of the car. "Please Bella, just pull it together for a few minutes to get past your mom," I pleaded with her. I should have known better because she practically collapsed into my arms. I swept her into my arms hoping I could get a few more lies past Renee. I knew things had to change. I could not continue with Bella like this.

"I can see your halo," Bella said softly into my chest. I smiled at her reassuringly. I struggled with my hand to open Bella's door before using my leg to push it open the rest of the way.

"Oh my God!" Renee exclaimed. "What happened? Is Bella okay?" Renee asked anxiously.

"She's fine, she just said she wasn't feeling well, I'm just going to put her in bed if that's okay?" I asked.

"Of course, thank you so much Edward," I gave her a weak smile as I carried Bella into her room and placed her gently in her bed. She clutched on my shirt pulling me toward her.

"Please stay," she whispered.

"I can't, you know that. I'll be back first thing in the morning to check on you. I promise," I said as I kissed her cheek. Her eyes looked heavy as she struggled to keep them locked with mine. I pulled off her shoes, and placed a blanket over her. I kissed her forehead and told her I loved her before I left her room shutting her door quietly.

I ran my fingers through my hair as I approached Renee who looked like she was fuming.

"Was she drinking Edward?" Renee questioned me.

"No," I told her. It wasn't a lie. "When we got to Mrs. Wicks I helped her out of the car and she said she felt dizzy and light headed. We went inside but she just kept saying she felt sick. On the drive back here she fell asleep. I didn't want to wake her," I hoped Renee bought it.

"Do you think she took another type of drug?" Renee questioned me.

"No," I told her, hoping she would just drop it. "If you don't mind, I'd like to come by tomorrow to see how she is feeling?"

"You're welcome over here anytime Edward," she stated. I smiled and wished her and Phil a happy New Year. I don't think Phil ever got out of his lazy boy unless he was playing ball.

As I walked to my car, I spotted Jasper leaning up against it. When I got closer, he took his weight off the car and extended his hand to me. I shook it hesitantly.

"Look, I am really an ass. I should have never let that happen to Bella tonight. I just wanted to apologize to you both," Jasper stated.

"I don't know what you and Bella used to consider fun, but I am positive you didn't let guys grope her like that. From what I hear, it was your full time job to stop them at one point. I just don't get why that changed," I told him. "Bella calls you her protector," I trailed off shaking my head at him. "By this time next week, the entire county will know about Bella and I, and that's not even the messed up part, because at this point I don't care what they think. But punching that kid tonight will definitely be grounds for losing my job." I vented a bit to Jasper. "I don't mean that's your fault, it's just been a crazy night."

"I wouldn't worry about people finding out. The thirty kids there tonight don't know God. They are the minority of Winchester High School students that don't know you or the church scene. Other then Alice, no one recognized you. We just said you were Bella's boyfriend from out of town; we didn't say shit or even tell them your name. As much as I hate that Bella's with you, I would never fuck her over, and if I fuck you over, I fuck her over," Jasper moved aside and I opened my car door. "Listen…about the whole Bella telling me she loves me, she has told me that. I shouldn't have rubbed that in your face, cause there are so many different kinds of love. It probably wasn't so scary for her to tell me…so hard. I am sure I really made it harder for her to express that shit by leaving her."

"Listen, I appreciate you taking care of Alec for Bella and me tonight and keeping things private. I know it wasn't an easy thing for you to do," I told him as I climbed into my car. "I hope you find whatever answers you're looking for because Bella does need you," I said to him shutting the door. I just prayed she didn't need him the same way I needed her. I sent Bella a text letting her know to call me when she woke up in the morning. I didn't know much about Rope, other then it also being called a mind eraser.

I had a lot to pray about after tonight. For the first time, I felt as if I was losing myself and I was having a hard time trying to keep up with Bella.

**Review and I will give you a teaser of Chapter 22 AND a teaser for **_**Wicked Angel**_


	23. Chapter 22 Love is the Movement

**SM Owns Twilight and the characters **

**Adam Cappa owns Love is the Movement**

**Keepingupwiththekids beta'd this for me, and schooled me in architecture. Thanks bb! **

**Wicked Angel will post tmr, so look out for it! **

Chapter 22

BPOV

Love is the Movement

I woke up with a pounding headache and absolutely no recollection of last night. I awoke fully dressed and my eyes were all crusty from not removing my eye makeup. What the fuck happened last night? All I could remember was having one wine cooler that Alec gave me. How the fuck did I even get home? Is Renee pissed at me? I glanced at my cell phone to check the time while digging some of the makeup out of the corners of my eyes and saw that it was eleven in the morning. I also had a text message from Edward.

_Call me before you go talk to your mom, I'll explain everything. Love you, Edward. _

Great. I felt like shit, I most likely acted like an ass, and worst of all I did it all in front of Edward. I dialed his number and he answered on the first ring.

"Good morning Angel," he spoke sweetly to me.

"What the hell happened last night?" I asked him as my bedroom door opened and he entered smirking at me. "What are you doing here?" I asked with a smile on my face. He sat down on the edge and swung his legs up placing his back against the headboard pulling me close to him. He stroked my hair a few times before he began to tell me about the crazy night and the shit-head Alec. I knew I was safe, I knew nothing bad happened, but I couldn't stop the tears from falling from my eyes over the fear of what could have easily happened to me.

Edward reassured me that I was okay, "Your fine Angel. Nothing like that happened, your alright," he soothed me.

"I'm not alright Edward. I am so far from alright," I said while my voice shook. Edward wiped the tears from my cheeks but it was useless, more fell. "All my bad choices are just coming back to bit me in the ass. I feel so weak. I can't hide behind drugs and alcohol. I can't do that shit cause it's cool, I could have been…..God I can't even fucking say it out loud…..I'm not immune or above shit never happening to me." All I could feel was Edwards arms wrapped around me in that moment.

"I'm here for you. Whatever you need me to do to help. Cause I can't go through another night like that Bella. I was so scared and so lost. I don't think I made one coherent thought out, or Christian choice. I worked off all the wrong emotions. You don't know how happy I am to hear you say this."

"I just need you. I'm not strong enough; I need you to show me how to fix myself," I said looking into his eyes.

"I'm here for you, always," he told me as he continued to stroke my hair and kiss my head. He just let me have the time I needed to accept the "could have been's" for what they were.

"Listen…last night Jasper said some stuff…he…um told me that you use to tell him you loved him, and ah…you just said 'it's different'. Can we talk about that cause it has me really confused."

"I don't know if I can explain it right," I began. "I told him because I thought it was safe. It feels weird to say it to Renee, and god, forget Charlie. He cares about me, truly cares about me, even if he is confused right now. Before you, he was the only person in the world that made me feel loved, or so I thought, I thought he would always be around whenever I needed him. I trusted him with _everything_…with my feelings, and secrets," I swallowed back before I continued, "my body." I paused to look into Edwards eyes. "Then I met you, and you changed me. You showed me this completely different kind of love, so much deeper…scarier almost. Do you know how much you could hurt me? I feel like, if I say that to you...it's real. Then if I lose you…I have nothing. It's hard for me to admit how much I could lose. Do I make any sense at all?" I asked

"I do, and I love you," he said kissing my head. "I plan on sticking around; for I don't know how long, say…forever if that's okay with you." I nuzzled closer into his side; I wanted to melt into him. He held me while I dozed in and out of consciousness.

Days turned into weeks and before I knew it, Edward and I were headed to the Kings of Leon concert. I was doing much better. Jasper and I talked in school and still ate lunch together. He apologized to me for not taking better care of me at that infamous New Years Eve party.

Alice and Riley were quickly becoming the "it" couple. She was really cool and understanding when it came to Edward and me. She didn't say shit and no one asked me about him. I know they speculated about who he was. Some said he was a frat boy I met at a Ball State party, others said he was a drug dealer, but no one had the right story about who he was, and god they were so off base.

Edward had just settled into a house he found in Fountain City to rent. I was really happy for him. It was a cute Victorian bungalow that belonged to a larger house. It was a single floor house with two bedrooms and a large kitchen. It was very old with modern charm. The tub had clawed feet. Everything looked so new, yet so new. Edward explained it was because it was restored not rebuilt. From what Edward has told me about the house, it was originally built in the late eighteen hundreds and didn't even have a bathroom originally. I couldn't believe how much history there was in these small towns. All the houses had porches which I loved. I made Edward get a porch swing because it was so peaceful outside at night.

My attitude adjustment with the drugs and booze showed and after a few weeks Renee began to allow me to stay out later and go back to hanging out at Edward's on school nights. Having his own place was a major plus.

We picked back up with our cooking and desert. I had never been happier. Edwards's house felt more like home to me then my house. We had some amazing make out sessions, but rarely did he let it go as far as he did at Christmas time. I didn't really care though. We were happy and content.

Did I mention he allowed our make out sessions to take place in his bed? Yeah, how fucking awesome is that! It's so much nicer to have the room.

I was getting ready at Edward's for the concert and was walking around in my towel. I rarely got dressed before I did my hair or makeup. I was moving my hips a little to the music while I worked on my hair when I Edward walked in and grabbed my hips pulling me into his hardness. I smiled at him through the mirror and swayed my hips again. He moved my hair away from neck and began to suck it slowly and sensually on my neck from behind me.

"Babe, I am never going to finish getting ready if you are doing that," I breathed.

"I thought you were dressed, you have been out of the shower for like thirty minutes. I walk in and find you shaking your hips all cute and sexy wearing nothing but a little blue towel, what do you expect?"

"Nothing less," I smirked at him turning around to face him. I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him sweetly using a little tongue every few seconds.

"Ummm….you taste so good Angel," Edward moaned into my mouth.

"Imagine and that's just how my mouth tastes," I said suggestively.

"Is that something you like?" Edward asked me.

"Honestly," I started to say as blush rose to my cheeks, "I have never let anyone do _that_," I confessed. I shouldn't be embarrassed that I wasn't as experienced as he thought.

"Really?" He said surprised. "Can I ask why not?" He questioned me.

"I think that takes a lot of trust and I just never trusted anyone to be _**THAT**_ close to me. It extremely intimate," I explained.

"Well, I have been thinking about it lately….it's something I would like to do with you if you are comfortable enough to let me." I could not believe my ears. My innocent Edward Cullen was asking me if he could go down on me. It was the one thing I was too insecure to let anyone do. Jasper even tried a few times; I always stopped him.

"I trust you," I told him in almost a whisper. I had never spoken truer words. I added a kiss before I said, "Now get out so I can finish getting ready!" I ordered him with a shove making my towel fall a little making Edward's eyes go wide.

As soon as I was dressed in my skinny jeans and bra, I walked out to Edward to ask him which shirt he preferred I wear. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be preppy with the navy and white striped sailor top or punk with my button down black bowling shirt with green stripes down the arm.

"Which one?" I asked him holding out both options. I watched his teeth grasp his bottom lip as he shifted his weight to his left leg.

"Um…the striped one," he suggested a bit unsure of his decision.

"It's not a trick question," I told him pulling the white and navy striped sailor top that was loose fitting and hit high on my thigh. The neckline hung low and fell off my left shoulder slightly. I added a thin navy belt loosely over top of the shirt and slipped on my new tan canvas Coach sneakers.

Edward was pretty much waiting for me at his front door smirking and shaking his head at me for taking so long to get ready. I swiftly took my navy blazer and purse out of his hands and walked briskly to the car, tossing my hair a few times to give it more body. I bet him to the car, and by this time, I knew to stand there and wait for him to open the door for me. It was like I was deprogrammed from opening car doors for myself.

On the almost two hour drive to Noblesville, Edward told me about a Christian clothing line called One of One that wanted to sponsor his band and do some cross marketing with him.

"That's cool," I told him because I didn't really grasp that it was a big deal.

"Yeah it is, Emmett and I are really excited about it. It's mostly t-shirts and hoodies. They asked me what I wanted and sent me a bunch of free stuff to wear. I actually got you something."

"Really? You got me a God shirt?" I asked a little weary. I wasn't about to wear a Got Jesus shirt or some shit like that.

"Yup, it's in that box in the back seat," he motioned for me to get it. I reached back and grabbed the box pulling out a little black t-shirt. I was surprised it had a gun on it; a gun that was shooting out hearts.

"Do you like it?" Edward asked.

"Are you kidding me? This is really awesome! I was afraid for a second it would have some What would Jesus do bullshit on it. Thanks babe," I told him leaning over to kiss his cheek.

"It's called _Kill with Love_," Edward explained.

"Is that where your shirt came from?" I asked. His shirt was black and said in white letters _Love is the Movement_.

"No, this is from a non-profit organization called _To Write Love on Her Arms_," Edward explained.

"Oh, what do they do?" I asked

_So much church shit to keep track of… _

"They help teens with depression, addiction, self mutilation, and suicide; whatever struggle they are having and help them find hope. They are really an amazing group that helps to inform and help teens recover from addictions or problems. They want teens to know that they are not alone, that there is hope, and that love will solve more problems than violence and addictions. Hence, _Love is the Movement_. Pretty much don't hesitate to love," he said to me. I nodded at him understanding. "I am actually supposed to be writing a song for them, that I have to play at faith night at Conseco field house for the NBA."

"Are you serious? Jasper would love to go to a Pacers game," I didn't even think of the chances that Jasper and I would be cool enough to hang by then escape me. If it had to do with basketball, it had to do with Jasper. I did however understand that it was a huge deal that Edward would be playing for such a huge audience.

"Completely….Well as long as I can come up with the song," he said.

"You will. What do you have so far?" I asked him, because I knew he at least started something. I watched him as he pulled out folded papers from his jacket pocket and hand them to me.

I read the words and they were beautiful. They were sloppy and a little hard to read. It looked like he had crossed out twenty to thirty words and started over a few times, but what was kept, was going to make a really good song.

_Imagine a place where there's no pain _

_Where there's no shame. Only grace. _

_Don't hesitate to love _

_Don't hesitate we are one._

_Love is the movement _

_Love is the movement_

_Love is moving you_

"Are you talking about Heaven?" I asked him

"No, I'm talking about making Earth more like Heaven….more loving." Edward responded. I couldn't help but laugh. "What?" he asked me.

"I'm sorry." I said through my laughter. "It's just you sounded like a hippy love child."

"All you need is _love_ baby," Edward smiled at me.

"Really, the song is wonderful," I told him as I calmed down. "That organization is lucky to be working with you."

"You should volunteer," Edward suggested. "You know talk about what happened to you."

"Uh….I don't think so Edward," I told him shaking my head. If I never had to hear about that night the rest of my life, it would be too soon.

"Think about it, it might help," Edward added. I smiled at him nodding, letting him think I would think about it. I did not intend to do so.

As we drove, I kept reading over the few words Edward had written, he said he only really needed one more verse, and something hit me; so I wrote it.

_Imagine a place where you feel safe_

_Where there's no hate_

_Peace has a face_

_Don't hesitate to love_

_Don't hesitate we are one_

God, how I wanted to feel safe. God, I didn't want to hesitate to love. I handed Edward back the paper as he parked the car what seemed like miles away from the venue.

"What's this?" He asked reading what I added.

"Um…I don't know…it just sort of come to me…if you don't like it I won't be offended or anything." I told him nervously as I tried to keep my bottom lip out of my mouth and my hands still. He looked up at me with a mixture of shock and awe in his eyes. He reached forward and released my bottom lip from the clutches of my teeth. He gently smoothed over the bit marks I left before whispering, "Bella, it's perfect. More than perfect."

"Really? You're not just saying that to make me feel okay are you? Cause you don't have to do that," I told him.

"Angel, have I ever lied to you? I can't wait to put this on my CD and have co-written by Edward Cullen and Isabella Swan." Edward said picking me up off my feet and swinging me around. I laughed into his neck.

"But, its Bella, just Bella Swan," I told him laughing.

"Okay just Bella, let's go," he said taking my hand in his and leading the way to our seats.

"I am friggin' freezing!" I complained on the long walk to the stadium.

"I told you to bring a heavier jacket." Edward said bringing me into his side. We reached the line to enter and Edward stood behind me, his arms hugging me close to his body, his chin resting on my shoulder.

"Want my jacket?" he whispered as we inched forward in line.

"No, prefer the heat from your body at the moment," I told him. Edward was kissing my neck playfully as a girl about my age interrupted us.

"Um Excuse me? Are you Edward Cullen?" She asked a bit nervous. Edward straightened up leaving me feeling even colder than before.

"Uh, yeah," he said extending his hand to the girl. She flipped her dark blonde hair from its left part to the right. Her perfectly straight hair was much like Edwards, it looked good where ever it feel. It was choppy and she had some blue and green streaks running through it. She must have been cold though, because she was wearing fish net stockings with black and white stripped socks up to her lower thigh and big black boots that hit right below her knee. Her skirt was short and frilly. I noticed her shirt was of a girl skull, pink bow and all, stomach exposed slightly. I couldn't help but to roll my eyes, but at the same time, wish I didn't dress so conservative.

".Gosh! I am like such a big fan! Do you think I could like get your autograph and a picture maybe?" Punk girl asked annoyingly.

"Ah, sure…no problem," Edward said graciously. The girl shoved her camera at me and got as close to Edward as she could manage.

"Say cheese," I said with a roll of my eyes as I snapped the picture.

"I can't believe I am meeting you! I saw you last summer when you opened up for Kutless, that was so cool! I bought your CD and friended you on MySpace!" Punk girl went on and on. "I didn't know you had a girlfriend," she finished with a quizzical look at me once she was out of breath.

I smiled and waved at her politely. "Yeah, I don't really talk that much about my personal life," Edward explained rubbing the back of his neck.

"Right I totally get it. Well it was great meeting you! Thanks so much!" Punk girl said walking away to her group of friends. "He has a freakin' girlfiend!" She yelled at her group of girlfriends once she was within a few feet of them. I noticed them all trying to sneak a peek at me and I figured, screw it; I stepped to the side of the line and waved with my signature "is-this-what-you-wanna-fucking-stare-at-look." I felt Edward's arm grab mine and pull me back to him.

"I thought you needed me to keep you warm?" He said trying to distract me from the hormonal teenage girls.

"Is that what you deal with all summer on tour? A bunch of girls trying to hook up with Edward Cullen?" I asked a bit jealous, and worried.

"Ah huh…and I never hooked up with any of them before so what makes you think that now that I have meet the love of my life that would change?"

"I don't know," I shrugged. "I guess I am being stupid."

"You are being a girlfriend, I like it when you mark what is yours, and I am yours."

We got inside and took our seats, singing along with Edward made me sound tone deaf, but I didn't care. We had a blast singing, moving to the music, and just being close to each other.

By the time the night was over, I was exhausted. I walked into Edwards's side as his arm was draped around my side giving me most of my support and I yawned into his chest.

"Tired Angel?" He asked me as we walked through the sea of people. I nodded as another yawn escaped. He stopped and bent his knees slightly, "Hop on" he instructed me. I happily climbed onto his back and wrapped my legs around his waist while he held me under my legs. I placed my head down on his back and closed my eyes. Just enjoying being close to him and taking in his scent.

The next thing I remember was Edward carrying me into our hotel room. He placed me on the bed and began to take off my shoes. I watched him take care of me and my heart swelled with love. He looked up at me and I smiled at him.

"You're going to undress me?" I asked him.

"That was the plan," he smirked at me, moving from my feet up to my thigh. He kneeled over my knees, he began to undo my belt His hands then found the bottom of my shirt and he carefully lifted it over my head, I sat up to help him a little. Once my shirt was removed, I laid back down on the pillow. Edwards hand traveled between my breast and down my stomach.

He slowly undid my pants and peeled them off my body. I lifted my hips and felt shivers run up and down my spine as Edwards's fingers grazed the insides of my legs. Once my jeans were peeled off and tossed to the ground Edward began to kiss my leg up towards my thighs. He kept going until he reached my inner thighs.

My hands found his hair when his mouth found my center. He kissed me sweetly on the outside of my underwear before his gaze met mine. He slid my underwear down and he sweetly spread my legs open. He began slowly, sucking on my inner thighs. He grabbed my hips and pulled me lower, closer to his face. I felt his tongue make a long, slow stroke up towards my clit.

He began moving his tongue in and out of my entrance. My legs spread wider and I found myself lifting my hips to him, needing just a little more pressure, friction. His fingers found their way inside me as he sucked on my clit.

I grunted when I felt his teeth nibble on my clit and his fingers moved faster inside of me. He moved his finger to my clit and moved his tongue inside of me. He used just enough pressure and rotation of his index finger on my clit. I felt my legs begin to shake as my orgasm took over my body. It was so intense I couldn't get more then another grunt out as my hips left the bed.

"That was mind blowing." I told Edward as he moved up my body. I kissed him as he lay next to me. I moved my head under his arm and moved my hand down to his pants. I could feel his hardness and I wanted nothing more than to make him feel good.

"Bella, you don't have to, tonight was about you," Edward told me.

"Don't be silly Edward. It makes me feel good to make you feel good," I told him undoing his jeans. "So hush and take it like a man that actually enjoys blow jobs," I joked with him. He smiled at me and I began to suck, lick, and gently scrap my teeth up and down his length. I massaged his balls and let his cock hit the back of my throat before he exploded in my mouth.

It was the first time Edward and I slept in a bed together. He held me all night; he kissed me, sweetly, lovingly. I felt loved. I felt needed. I felt like someone that was worth something for the first time ever.

Sweet Jesus, all I wanted was every night of the rest of my life to be like this.

**I hope Bella is beginning to redeem herself! I know she doesn't really seem worthy of Edward, I hope that is changing! **

**Reviews will get a teaser! Thanks so much for pushing me over 1000 reviews! I am srsly in awe!**


	24. Chapter 23 Lonesome Town

**SM owns Twilight and the Characters I own all mistakes I make in my mad dash to post!**

**Keepingupwiththekids and Dolphin62598 Beta'd this for me, dealt with my preps and commas Love ya's!! And I am SOOO Happy to have you Beta for me! I couldn't do it without yous! **

**Shout out to NjNyTwiGals who are having fun in the windy city and taking naughty pics at La Perla! Tribute to The Office! Funny Girls! Going all the way to Chicago in search of the Beautiful Bastard! Don't they know he is a fictional character??**

**APL update in the works for those that read it!**

**Get ready to Say Hello to Bobby aka Robby! Everyone Wave!**

Chapter 23

Lonesome Town

BPOV

"Hey B," Jasper greeted me as I sat down at our lunch table. My friendship with Jasper was different to say the least. I realized the changes weren't the worst in the world. It finally hit me how unhealthy our friendship had been, how destructive our behavior was when we were together. The casual sex, daily drinking, and drug use were not the best choices, and we made it easy on each other to make those mistakes.

Jasper and I still only talked during school. It was okay though. We were working on rebuilding our friendship the right way, without mixed emotions.

"Hey Jazz," I said through a yawn as I took the seat next to him placing my head in my arms. I was really surprised when he started to rub my back, and I smiled up at him.

"What's wrong?" He questioned me.

"Nothing really, I am just tired. I had a long weekend," I told him. I didn't want to start talking about me and Edward, I always tried to steer clear of that conversation. "What about you? What did you do this weekend?" I asked him sitting up straight.

"Actually, I started taking this SAT prep course, and I hung out with Bree," Jasper said.

"Bree? The sophomore?" I questioned him.

"Yup," Jasper responded.

"Like on a date?" I continued my questions.

"You know I don't date per say, or kiss and tell." Jasper said implying that he was indeed hooking up with her. I was happy for him, that he was moving on from whatever feelings he felt for me. I just wish Alice didn't have shitty timing and was all hung up on Riley.

"What did you guys do?" I asked another question.

"We hung out with Riley and Alice; you know Riley's dad is never home." Just then, Riley and Alice joined us at the table sitting across from us. They were always touching, they were actually really sweet together.

"I heard my name. What were you saying about me?" Alice asked.

"I was just filling B in on our weekend," Jasper told her.

"Oh it was so much fun Bella!" Alice exclaimed. She went into the details of the night and how much fun they all had, she made a few comments about how cute Jasper and Bree were together and I smiled at him.

"You and Edward should hang out with us next time," Alice added.

"Um, I'm….not sure." I said, wondering if that would be weird for Jasper.

"It would be fun B, if Edward will hang out with us kids," Jasper said.

"I don't really know Bree, I don't know that Edward would be comfortable with her knowing," I told them biting into my apple.

"Bree won't say shit," Jasper stated.

"How is everything with Edward?" Alice asked me.

"Good." I told her. I talked to her about Edward a lot, just never in the company of Riley and Jasper.

"Just good? Come on Bella! Spill, what happened this weekend?" She asked me suggestively raising her eyebrow, because she knew Edward and I spent the night together in a hotel room. My face instantly got red.

"Oh my God! You guys didn't do it did you?" Alice asked on the edge of her seat.

"Fuck Alice! No! I really don't want to talk about this right now in the presence certain company." I told her as quietly as I could.

"Please Bella, don't let us stop you from spilling on all the dirty details of your weekend with Mr. Innocent," Jasper teased.

"As tempting as it sounds, I think I will pass," I replied.

"Yeah, I guess there's nothing to tell after all. Who would have thought Bella Swan would become the poster child for abstinence!" Jasper continued to tease me and it was a rare moment that felt like the good part of our past.

"Fuck off Jasper," I laughed at him. "You have _**NO**_ idea what Edward and I do or don't do for that matter," I retorted. "Really he's not _**THAT**_ innocent," I added. I regretted the words almost instantly. Our relationship and the choices we made in it were private.

"I don't think that's the case B, I think you lost your edge," Jasper continued the banter.

"So what if I did? What's so great about an edge anyway? All my edge got me was trouble," I told him ending the conversation. If there was one thing Jasper hated to relive as much as me it was the New Years Eve incident.

After lunch, I sent Jasper a text

_Just let me know if you don't want to hang with me and Edward, I won't mention shit to him if it will make things weird - B _

_Don't flatter yourself B. I'm fine. Ask him, it be nice to chill with you again. - J_

A big smile lit up my face when I read Jaspers response. I had to talk Edward into hanging out with everyone now. If there was one thing I knew, it was that Edward would do _**ALMOST **_anything for me.

As I walked out of school, I dialed Edward right away.

"Hey Baby!" I said when he answered the phone.

"I have been looking forward to this phone call all day." Edward responded.

"Well, Alice asked if we might consider hanging out this weekend." I told him, trying to get to the point slowly.

"I mean if you want to do that I don't see why not," Edward responded.

"Well, there is a little more….It would be like a triple date."

"Triple date? Like us, Alice, Riley, and…?" Edward questioned.

"Jasper and Bree," I told him.

"Jasper is dating someone? Good for him," Edward stated. "Bree though, do you trust her enough to not gossip about us?" Edward asked.

"Jasper swears she will keep her mouth shut, and I am just so happy that Jasper is willing to hang out with me again," I hedged.

"If it means that much to you Bella, of course I will do it," Edward assured me. "Why don't you invite them over my place for dinner this weekend?"

"Seriously?" I asked.

"Seriously." Edward replied.

"You're the best! Thank you so much!!" I exclaimed.

"Really Bella, whatever makes you happy, and you shouldn't neglect your friends," Edward told me. We said good-bye and I made my way home excited and anxious that Jasper and I were making progress.

I invited everyone over to Edward's place Saturday night, Edward suggested we cook for everyone, but that just seemed to formal. I took the initiative and ordered a few pizza's.

Edward said he would come pick me up, cause he didn't trust my truck. Whatever, I liked my truck, but not as much as I liked being with Edward. So, I waited for him to come knock on my door, say hello to Renee and take me home.

Edward helped me out of the car, and stopped in front of it raking his eyes over my body.

"I'm thinking of saying I changed my mind about your friends coming over and keeping you all to myself tonight, because you look amazing," Edward breathed into my neck.

"What? These old rags make me look amazing?" I said sarcastically as I leaned on the hood of his car. I was wearing a blue bubble hem dress with my favorite black ankle boots and of course, I always wore the bracelets Edward bought me.

"You always look amazing," Edward said letting his hands travel to my lower back until they settled on my ass.

"Mmmm….let me call them and cancel," I breathed before he brought his mouth to mine and kissed me.

His hand squeezed and massaged my ass and I bit his bottom lip as I pulled him closer to me. His hand traveled further down the back of my thighs before his hand went up under my dress and he felt my mostly bare ass since I was wearing a thong. His lips moved to my neck attacking me, pressing me hard against the hood of his car. My legs spread and wrapped around his waist when he buried his face in my chest.

I could feel the cold hit my ass where his hands were not massaging. "Mmmmm," I groaned in pleasure when I was almost completely on my back.

I heard a man clear his voice from behind me and Edward quickly pulled away from me. He extended a hand to me helping me off the hood of the Volvo, I looked at him wide eyed and embarrassed. He gave me a small nervous smile in return. I still wasn't sure who caught us, and I was in no hurry to find out. I straightened out my dress before I turned to face Reverend C.

"Didn't mean to interrupt anything," Carlisle said looking back and forth between Edward and me.

"You didn't interrupt, what brings you by?" Edward asked as I sheepishly made my way to Edward's side.

"There has been a change to the service tomorrow I was hoping we could go over it. I shouldn't have assumed you had no plans tonight." Carlisle looked at me with a warm smile.

"Yeah, well actually Bella invited some of her friends over for pizza. They shouldn't be here for about an hour, do you mind Bella?"

"No, not at all," I said sincerely. Edward had a job, and it was a priority.

"Come on in," Edward said leading Carlisle and I inside. Normally I would go make myself comfortable, but I felt like the Reverend might find how comfortable I am at Edward's inappropriate or something. I stood awkwardly in-between the entrance and living room twiddling my thumbs.

"So, you think it's a smart idea to have high school students over Edward?" Carlisle asked taking a seat and spreading out some papers on the coffee table.

"I think it's a good idea that Bella and I blend our lives as best as possible," Edward stated.

"Bella, why don't you go get the phone out of the bedroom and order the pizza's you know where the menus are…Carlisle do you want a drink or anything?" Edward asked.

"Sure, a glass of ice tea sounds good; I know your mom drops you off some every other day!" Carlisle said.

"Angel do you mind getting that for Carlisle?" He asked me.

"No problem," I said walking past the two men quickly. I got Carlisle his drink and ordered the pizza's. I wasn't really sure what to do with myself. Edward had some clothes on his bedroom floor and some dishes, so I started to clean up for him.

"Does she always do this for you Edward?" Carlisle asked, about my cleaning up after him.

"Ah…yeah she does," Edward answered him. "So you don't want me to do this song at all then?"

"Right," I tried to block out their boring business talk and once everything was in order I again stood awkwardly off to the side.

"Sit down Bella, relax," Edward said looking at me from the corner of his eye. "Or if we are boring you to death that dumb show you make me record is on the DVR in my room, and your iPod is on the nightstand," Edward kindly offered me an escape that made me feel slightly uncomfortable. I had no clue what Carlisle thinks about how close Edward and I are. Did Edward tell him? Talk to him about all the bases we hit as we hit them? I suddenly felt my face go red and tried hard not to run to the refugee of Edward's bedroom.

I plopped down on my stomach on Edward's bed and turned on his TV; I went straight to the DVR and started watching my 'dumb' show. Really, True Blood is not dumb.

Just as I was getting into the show, and feeling a bit hot for Eric, Carlisle popped his head in the door. He glanced as Sookie and Eric fucked, then glanced at me, "Thanks for letting me borrow him tonight Bella." I quickly turned the TV off and stood to my feet.

"Not a problem, glad you could get it worked out." I told him as we exited the room.

We said goodnight to Carlisle and I settled onto the couch, placing my head in my hands.

"What's wrong?" Edward asked me. I looked up at him evilly.

"Seriously? You have to ask what is wrong? The pastor caught his youth pastor with his hands up his teenage girlfriends dress…um caught me watching what looked like porn on your bed…and he made me feel all weird about cleaning up for you…does he think we are too close or something? Cause if he does, he doesn't even bat an eyelash about it, which then makes me think you tell him _things_." I told Edward everything.

"_Things_?" Edward said confused. "What kind of _things_?" He asked me pulling his eyes together in confusion.

"You know…_things_...About us. Private things about you know…lips, tongues, mouths…fingers…boobs, you know, _things_, about what we do."

"No Bella…I don't tell him _things_." Edward stated curtly. "I don't kiss and tell. Why would you even think that?"

"I don't know…I thought maybe you might go to him…like as a father figure or something. I wasn't thinking that you were like bragging to him, more like confiding in him. I mean he is like your dad, and this is all pretty new to you…I don't know how you set your boundaries with me, with what we can or can't do." I told him honestly.

"The only boundary I have with you is to wait to have intercourse until you are my wife. To treat you with respect, to love you…to be yours, as long as you will have me." Edward told me wrapping himself around me. "I love you," he whispered against my neck sending chills down my spine.

"I'm gonna go get some stuff set up," I told him as I got up and headed toward the kitchen. I felt him slap my ass as I walked away, I looked back at him with a smirk, and shook my head at him.

I went into the kitchen and began to open up the plastic plates, cups, and utensils. There was no way in hell I was doing dishes.

I heard the doorbell ring and opened the door to the pizza man.

"Babe!" I yelled. "The pizza is here!" I motioned for the delivery man to come in as Edward approached to pay.

"Thanks sugar daddy!" I joke with him as I took the pizza's into the living room and set them down on the coffee table. He was always refused to let me spend any money. If I even mentioned I needed to get shampoo, he stopped and got it for me, so I started to call him my sugar daddy. He hated it. As I was getting plates and cups, I felt Edwards arms wrap around my waist.

Just then, the sound of the doorbell rang through Edward's small home. I sighed as Edward removed himself from me and adjusted my dress. He smiled at me as we went to answer the door.

Jasper, Bree, Alice, and Riley all filed in the house.

"Oh, Bella you look hot!" Alice told me as I gave her a hug hello. Of course, she always looked amazing, but she was use to seeing me in jeans and tied t-shirts I wore to school. Most people at school weren't aware I actually had a fashion sense.

Bree was a very cute girl, she just looked so young. She was only a year younger, but you could tell she was the youngest. She was short, with long wavy brown hair she parted in the middle. She was wearing a yellow tunic top with white skinny jeans.

Jasper introduced us and she was a bit shy. We told everyone to help themselves to pizza and drinks. I was really surprised by how much Edward and Alice got along.

It was weird with Jasper and Bree, uncomfortable to say the least. It was almost like he was trying too hard to rub her in my face. I was on my best behavior. Bree didn't get one dirty look. I was proud of myself.

"Angel?" Edward said as he approached me and I knew he was about to ask me a question.

"Hmmm," I said as he wrapped his arms my waist and pulled me close to his body.

"You don't mind if Robby comes by tonight do you?" He asked me.

"Are you serious? First I love him of course not, second it's your house, you don't need me to ask me if you can have a friend over," I laughed at him. He kissed me and laughed against my lips.

"I know, it's just your friends are here and you orchestrated this whole night so…."

"Edward we could totally use a private concert from him!"

"I see…Well you're the one that's going to have to ask him to work then."

"Will do…." I said kissing him again. Our tongues meet gently and briefly. I slipped my hands into his back pockets.

"We don't want to look at you two horn balls," Jasper teased as he walked by us. "Go get a room or something." I just laughed and cleaned up some of the mess of the pizza. I even set some aside for Robby.

Robby came and I greeted him before Edward with a big hug. I introduced him to everyone as my "other boyfriend", catching an evil eye from Jasper. I wasn't even thinking.

"Did you bring your guitar?" I asked him excitedly when I handed him the plate of pizza I saved for him. He took a bite of his pizza and smiled at me.

"Bella love, I don't go anywhere without my guitar." He said chewing on his pizza.

"So you will play for us?!" I asked him excitedly.

"Really Robby, you don't have to," Edward interrupted us. I slapped his chest and looked at him with an exaggerated look of shock.

"Speak for yourself! I never got a private concert by an up and coming star!"

"It's cool, I like to jam. Why don't you get your guitar Edward we can jam together?" Robby suggested.

"Sure…." Edward said retreating to get his guitar. Once they started playing, everyone was really impressed by them both.

It was nice for my friends to see the more relaxed side of Edward instead of his serious religious side.

I quietly excused myself to get a drink, and Jasper pushed Bree off his lap to follow me.

"Two boyfriends tonight Bella…maybe you haven't changed as much as I thought," he attempted to joke with me. I could tell it still hurt him to see me with Edward.

"I was just joking Jazz," I told him. "I guess we still need more time," I told him because I could feel the tension between us.

"Seems so," he told me before he returned to his new girlfriend.

When I came in Robby was doing a song by himself. It was sad, it was obviously his own. He and Edward gave up on covers. I sat down in Edward's lap. He brushed my hair behind my ears and smiled at me weakly. He could read my disappointment so easily. I rested my head on Edwards shoulder and listened to Robby's voice carry the sad song.

_There's a place where lovers goTo cry their troubles awayAnd they call it Lonesome TownWhere the broken hearts can buy a dream or two,To last you all through the yearsAnd the only price you payIs a heart full of ' down to lonesome town,Where the broken hearts stay,Goin' down to lonesome townTo cry my troubles the town of broken dreams,The streets are filled with regret,Maybe down in lonesome town,I can learn to down in lonesome town,I can learn to forget._

Jasper got up in a huff, leaving the room while Robby played. All I could do was give him more time. I was really disappointed that things weren't better than I thought they were. Everything he did was a show, an act. He was pretending to be okay, but he wasn't. That much was obvious.

"I can talk to him if you want," Edward whispered to me. I shook my head no because I knew that was the last thing Jasper would want.

"If you won't talk to him I will Bella," Alice stated. I smiled at her meekly as she rushed after Jasper clearly upset at whatever I did to upset him tonight.

Bree seemed a bit out of it….I began to realize she was a bit spacey. She had no clue her date just left in a huff. She just kept staring at Robby and Edward. How could I blame her for that though?

Robby finished the song and looked at me, "Something I said?" He asked me.

I shook my head no and shrugged.

Jesus, I thought this night was going to be a good night….

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	25. Chapter 24 Angels

**SM owns Twilight **

**Jessica Simpson owns Angels**

_**Keepingupwiththekids and dolphin62598 **_**did a great job fixing this mess I sent them! Thanks for putting up with me! I did have a lot of trouble writing this, and had a bit of writers block, and so this was a hard chapter for me. I swear me and comma's are gonna fight! And for a girl with the word Breath tattooed on her wrist, I sure always seem to use the wrong spelling! **

EPOV

Angels

I could hardly believe it was May already. Bella and I had been great, we had been more then great actually, we had been amazing. I was looking forward to my mom and Carlisle's wedding with both excitement and dread. I was excited for my mom and Carlisle, but I was also very aware of how close I was to my departure.

Bella would be at the wedding, just not as my date. I hated that I couldn't bring her as my date, but honestly I wouldn't bring anyone on a date were most of the church community would be in attendance, I just don't feel the need to put myself in the position of being speculated and scrutinized by small town antics.

I was so proud of Bella. She no longer drank or did drugs and not because she didn't want to upset me or stay out of trouble with Renee, but because she didn't want to do those things anymore. Renee took notice and became lenient with Bella.

Bella was always at my place, even when I wasn't. I gave her a key and loved when I came home to her doing homework and she would stop to run to me at the door. A few times, she has even done my laundry for me, it just felt so right when I came home to her.

Of course, Renee didn't allow her to spend the night and on school nights she still had to be home by ten, but the weekends she extended to one o'clock in the morning.

"Edward, do you have a minute?" Carlisle asked me as he walked into the Coffee House.

"Sure," I said organizing some papers.

"You know I have always supported you and Bella," he began.

"And we both really appreciate it." I told him, not understanding where he was going with this.

"I am not talking to you as your boss right now, but as your friend. I can see Bella changing, becoming more mature and I attribute that to you, but I also see the way you have changed, the compromises you have made to be with her. When I say compromises I mean about your personal beliefs…I know how easily it is to get swept up in love, I would hate for you to compromise yourself in any way."

"Are we talking about sex, Carlisle?" I looked at him a bit confused; my eyes squinted as I bluntly tried to get this conversation over with. "Cause that's not really an issue," I said shaking my head. I really didn't want to have to say I was still a virgin.

"Well, not just about sex, I am glad that is not an issue, but the way you and Bella are together…your playing with fire. I understand the connection you two share, I understand that her mother approves, but it doesn't mean the rest of the world will. I just want you to conduct yourselves in such a way that reflects God. Once your relationship is public knowledge, and that is only a matter of time, you don't want to give anyone anything negative about the way you have treated one another…physically." Carlisle finished.

"Oh..," I said a bit caught off guard.

"In other words, don't attack her on the hood of your car in public," Carlisle finished bluntly.

"Right," I said, "I got it." Carlisle patted my back before he exited the Coffee House. I guess we could be a little more in control…All I could think about was getting home to Bella.

I arrived home a little after four and as always Bella greeted me by almost tackling me at the door. She always ran and jumped into my arms with a big smile placing kisses all over my face. I always laughed and carried her a few steps to the couch where we would promptly attack each other.

"I missed you," she breathed in between kisses.

"You saw me less than twenty four hours ago," I smirked back at her.

"It was too long," she responded and I remembered that in less than a week I would be leaving her, for a little over a hundred twenty-four days. My smile fell and I kissed her sweetly on her nose.

"I will call you every day, every chance I get. I won't let you go to sleep without calling you every night to say sweet dreams."

"Promise?" She asked me.

"I promise. You can call me whenever you need to," I assured her stroking her face.

"What are you going to do all summer did you come up with any plans?" I asked her

"I was planning on spending most of my time curled up in your bed," she told me.

"Really?" I asked her suggestively. "Cause I think you should try to stay busy," I told her.

"Renee joined the pool…I guess there's like that fake beach lake place. I guess I will just work on my tan all summer," she said and I looked at her beautiful ivory skin and couldn't really picture it tan.

"I'll send you lots of sunscreen," I told her.

"Okay, I'll send you lots of bikini pictures," she laughed.

"Oh I don't think so…you're not parading all over in a bikini," I joked back with her. She laughed and smacked my arm, laughing with me. "Cause you're my person, and I don't want little boys staring at my sexy person all summer," I said tickling her sides.

Nights like these were the ones I was going to long for the most. Bella said Renee wouldn't allow her to go to the camp close by I would be at unless she planned to be an actual camper, and Bella wouldn't do that, not even for me. I was disappointed, but I understood. Bella didn't want to put on an act all week, who does?

The day of the wedding arrived and I dressed in my tux. Rosalie and I were the only ones in the wedding party, and Carlisle's associate Pastor was performing the ceremony. They had invited the entire congregation to the wedding ceremony, but reserved the reception for close friends and family.

Emmett and I were greeting guests as they arrived when I spotted Bella with Phil and Renee walking toward the church. She looked beautiful. She literally took my breath away. She wore a black dress with white small white floral accents. The dress was strapless with an empire waist that was accented with beads and tied in the back. Of course, it fell short. Bella never wore anything that didn't expose her long slender legs. Of course, her heels were always high, and the ones she was wearing were silver and one strap feel over her toes and the other strap fastened around her ankle. Her hair was in loose curls framing her face and I swear I could smell it. I couldn't take my eyes off her or the smile off my face. I had to restrain myself from running to her and greeting her like she was more than a student in the youth group.

When she approached, I took her arm to help her to a seat. After I said my hellos to Renee and Phil, I whispered to Bella how beautiful she looked, she smiled brightly at me, and I realized I lived for that smile.

The wedding began and Rosalie walked down the aisle wearing a light purple strapless dress that was short in the front and longer in the back. Her bouquet was made up of three dark purple calla lilies. My mom came down next wearing a simple bias cut flowing dress and carrying three white calla lilies. Her hair was in a bun at the base of her neck with a flower accent. She looked beautiful and classic. I smiled at her as she gracefully walked down the aisle.

The ceremony was only about thirty minutes and I didn't get a chance to see Bella before she left because we had to do wedding pictures before we left to go to the reception.

The reception was being held in a banquet room at one of the nicer restaurants in the area. It wasn't spectacular but it was nicer then the VFW. We ate and my mom and Carlisle shared the first dance to "_At Last_". Rosalie and I danced with our parents to "_My Wish_".

After dinner was served, the DJ began playing so people could dance. I was aching to ask Bella to dance, but I couldn't risk it. Jane and her family were in attendance and I already knew she was uncomfortable with me and Bella talking privately at youth group. I started to go around to some of the tables and say hello to people. I made sure to start as close to Bella's table as possible so I could be close to her, if only for a few minutes.

When I got to her table the seat next to her was empty. She was seated with her family, Angela, Ben, and Robby. She said her and Robby were having a blast talking and laughing. Angela and Ben were dancing and I left my hand under the table and placed it on Bella's knee as we all talked. I stayed for as long as I could, and excused myself to the next table hesitantly leaving my Angel. As I was talking at the table next to Bella, I heard her exclaim, "Oh my God I love this song!" I smiled and felt a bit jealous when she dragged Robby to the dance floor.

I watched in awe as Bella moved around Robby. He tried to keep up with her, but obviously she knew the moves to this dance. I couldn't even believe they were playing it at the wedding, although the DJ had been taking requests. I just didn't think Sean Kingston would be on the play list or that my girlfriend even knew how to "fire burn" on the dance floor. She quickly became the center of attention as everyone took notice of how she moved. Why didn't I know she could dance? I shouldn't have been surprised she knew a dance like this though. Every day I came home from work she was plugged into MTV. I really did thank God she hated The Hills because I wouldn't even watch that show for her.

She looked so sexy, moving her hips and shimming low to the ground and back up, and poor Robby just tried to move along with her but failing miserably. When Sean Kingston sang _"That Body is a masterpiece" _I couldn't agree with him more in that moment as I watched Bella move. When the song ended, she hugged him and didn't let him off the dance floor for at least four more songs. I think the only reason they stopped dancing was because a slow song came began to play. I watched Bella walk back the DJ booth and I assumed she had a request. I walked back to see if I could get a few minutes to talk to her alone.

"Where did you learn to dance like that?" I asked her.

She laughed a little as she said, "I was born with two left feet, so Renee thought dance lessons would help, surprisingly she was right about that one thing."

"Well I just wish I could have joined you out there," I told her putting my hands in my pockets because the urge I had to reach out and grab her was overwhelming.

"Meet me outside in the gazebo in two songs?" She asked me.

"Wouldn't miss it," I told her and I walked away trying to hide how painful it was to pretend I didn't love her.

"Edward!" I heard Tanya call my name from a few feet in front of me.

"Tanya," I acknowledged her nodding my head.

"You are always with that little girl…Jane thinks that there is something going on with you two. At first, I thought she was overacting, but now I am starting to wonder. Is that why no one knows anything about your mysterious girlfriend?"

I let out a tense breath; I was beginning to lose my patience when it came to Tanya.

I was also getting tired of denying our relationship.

"If I thought my relationship with my girlfriend had anything to do with you, you would know more about it. I don't even really consider you a friend Tanya. I think we have a need to know relationship, and all you need to know, is I am happily in love with a wonderful woman."

I walked out to the gazebo as the second song ended and the DJ said "I got this as a request so whoever the lucky guy is out there, this is from your Angel." I saw Bella standing in the center of the gazebo in the deserted courtyard. She was illuminated in the white twinkling lights and I could hardly believe she orchestrated all this.

I picked up my pace as I got closer to her and picked her up kissing her deeply. The song began and it was just us. We just danced and kissed and the song she picked really spoke volumes about her trust and love in me.

_And through it all _

_He offers me protection _

_A lot of love and affection _

_Whether I'm right or wrong _

_And down the waterfall _

_Wherever it may take me _

_I know that life won't break me _

_When I come to call he won't forsake me_

_I'm loving Angels instead. _

"I love you," Bella said to me as the song played. I saw tears fill her eyes.

"I know," I told her, I couldn't help but smile ear to ear. I was so happy that she was finally able to speak the words. It was a big obstacle for her that she had to overcome.

"It feels so good to finally say, I love you Edward Cullen," the tears escaped and her smile widened.

"I love you too Isabella Swan," I said kissing her deeply.

"I could say those words forever now, I don't want to stop," she told me as I gazed down at her holding her face. In that moment had she asked me to stay, I would have.

I wanted to go and beg Renee to allow Bella to come with me and say to hell with what everyone would think of us.

BPOV

I couldn't let him go without saying it. Without telling him I loved him. I knew he knew I did, but I needed to say it. I couldn't believe the relief I felt, it felt like the weight of the world was lifted off me. Just from speaking words I had suppressed for most of my life.. Tears filled my eyes and I never wanted to stop speaking of them.

The song ended and Edward and I walked toward the door hand in hand. Once we reached the door, our steps stopped and we let go of each other's hands as we walked back inside the hall. We walked in nonchalantly like friends, I ran up and grabbed me.

"Come on love, I know you know this one!" He said as he pulled me onto the dance floor with him.

I looked back at Edward and kicked off my heels before joining the others on the dance floor. I began the dance sequence for "I Gotta Feeling." By the end of the song, I had most the dance floor following my moves and Edward even jumped in next to Robby and danced along with us. I spent the majority of the dance working with Carlisle and Esme trying to show them the sequence and that was a huge step for me. I had yet to get really comfortable around Carlisle. I knew I was overcoming a lot of my insecurities as I tried to come to terms with Edward's impending departure.

I had as much fun as I could have expected to have while trying to suppress my natural tendencies to be as close as possible to Edward. I watched him move around everyone. Giving his attention and using his charm throughout the room. Laughing with people and all I wanted was to be part of it.

I was not use to being the center of attention any other time, only when I danced. I didn't want to be the center of attention for everyone, just for someone.

Robby danced with me, told me songs to request and even slow danced with me. I noticed Edward dancing with Rosalie close to us, we made eye contact and I couldn't help but smile. He moved closer to us with that sexy crooked smile never leaving his face.

"You and Robby here are starting lots of gossip among the guests. You two have quite a scandalous relationship I hear," Edward winked at me.

"If they only knew the half of it," Robby said suggestively. "Dance with your girlfriend Edward….Let the ladies think you're having a talk with her about me," I laughed a little figuring Edward wouldn't actually dance with me in front of everyone.

He did though, without thinking twice, he took my arm from Robby and danced with me again.

"So, you and Robby? They like to call him my friend that needs help finding the Lord…I can't wait to stop hiding," Edward breathed down my neck.

"Let them think whatever they want. My feelings for you are written all over my face," I told him.

Please Lord, I don't want him to leave.

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	26. Chapter 25 Iris

**SM owns Twilight, not me. **

**Keepingwupwiththekids is my lovely beta! Thanks BB! **

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Chapter 25

Iris

EPOV

I sat in my car for a moment staring out at the small house I was getting ready to make my way to the front door. The grass was long, there were old tires, tools, and a car covered in overgrown weeds. The house was small and dark. It was obvious no one did any up keep.

I walked up the cracked cement steps and knocked on the white door with the cracked and peeling white paint.

When the door opened, I was greeted by the smell of liquor and stale smoke. The man on the other side was wobbly on his feet. His shirt was stained, and his gut showed slightly at the bottom where it met his pants.

"Hello, I'm Edward Cullen…I'm a friend of Jasper's…I was hoping I could speak to you?" I asked him politely.

The man opened the door for me and stepped aside unsteadily. The place was a mess, old beer cans, dishes, spills that were never cleaned up, and the stench was unbearable.

"What can I do for you? Make it quick," he said sitting back on the couch. I took a seat on the very edge of the couch, not really wanting to sit on it at all.

"Your son, he is very talented, very kind and compassionate. He has this way to connect to people, understand them, and their feelings," I began to tell him.

"And…?" His father questioned me, as if he could care less.

"And….I think it really sucks that his support system consists of his best friend Bella and her mother. I think he could really use a father. I am probably really overstepping my bounds but I just wanted to come here and let you know if you want help, help is available."

"Who are you exactly?" He questioned me, taking a swig of his beer.

"I am the youth group leader at Fountain City Church, sir." I told him.

"Well, I am not looking to be saved, so now that you can say you tried you can see yourself out," he said motioning toward the front door.

I stood to leave feeling like a failure. I stopped and looked at the broken man sitting in front of me. A man who had a wife, had a good job, and at one point had ten fingers. Here he sat, alone. He was lost, but he must still care about his son, right? Didn't he know what a difference he could make in Jaspers life? I took in a deep breath before I began to talk. "Have you ever wondered what marks our time here? If one life can really make an impact on the world? Or if the choices we make matter? Because, I believe they do, and I believe that one man can change many lives... for better or worse. I also believe that the choices you are making are hurting your son."

"Listen kid, I didn't ask for this addiction, I can't control it, it controls me. Like you said Jasper is a good kid, he is almost grown, he doesn't need me anymore."

"That's where you are wrong, Jasper is a good kid, but don't you want him to be great? He needs your support. He needs to know you care, cause right now all he is working for is a ticket out of here. I think he could get much more out of life he was working to make someone proud. We always need support. You may not have asked for this life, but you can control it. You are choosing not to control it by not asking for help…..Look there is this group called Celebrate Recovery at the church every Thursday night, it might be a good place to start." On that note, I walked out.

I watched my feet as I made my way out of the littered lawn, when I nearly slammed right into Jaspers chest.

"What are you doing here?" He asked me defensively.

"I'm sorry Jasper, I don't mean to intrude…I just thought I might be able to help your dad find some meetings or something," I told him.

"Listen, I am not your charity case. I don't need you acting like some god damn guardian angel!" Jasper spit at me. I raised my hands up in surrender and backed up. I wasn't there to fight.

"You are right. You are not a charity case, and I am not an angel. I would like to think that we are friends, and I like to help my friends if I can. I have come to learn that, sometimes, people put up walls, not to keep people away, but to see who cares enough to tear them down."

"I have done fine. I have been fine. I don't need that piece of shit in there!" Jasper yelled pointing at his house.

"Would it be a _BAD_ thing to gain a father? So what if I wasted my time? If he doesn't change, what do you lose?" I questioned him, throwing my arms around. "_BUT_, if he _DOES_ change, think of what you will gain."

"You have all this faith, all this love, all this fucking hope…I can't afford to have those things. I need to focus on the things I can control. I can't afford to be disappointed." Jasper finished with a loud sigh.

"The only thing wrong with faith, love, and hope is not having them."

There was a short silence before I decided to speak again, "I am leaving for the summer…I think Bella could really use a friend," I told him hoping he would go to her.

Hoping he _could_ go to her.

"Long distance? Not many couples can make that work," Jasper said.

"It won't be easy, but we will be the couple that makes the long distance thing work," I told him confidently.

BPOV

_And I'd give up forever to touch you _

_Cause I know that you feel me somehow _

_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be _

_And I don't want to go home right now_

_And all I can taste is this moment_

_ And all I can breathe is your life _

_Cause sooner or later it's over _

_I just don't want to miss you tonight_

_Iris, Goo Goo Dolls_

It all came too fast. I wasn't ready. I needed more time. The one thing Edward could never give me was more time. It was time for him to go and do his thing, and as much as I was screaming and begging in my mind for him to stay, I would never say it aloud.

He had a job to do and I needed to stop being such a whiny bitch about it. Renee handled Phil's traveling fine and fuck at least my boyfriend wasn't leaving for war or something. I needed to stay optimistic. I needed to keep reminding myself that I can do this, that Edward and I could do this.

I tried my best to not even think about it. It's here now and I didn't think about it cause it hurt too much and now I just wish I had some time to think about it; process the information. I wish I had prepared myself better, but I didn't. How do you prepare for saying goodbye? Even if it is temporary? I let out a shaky breath as I sat in Edwards's house waiting for him to arrive home from work. I didn't want to miss one second with him.

Just then, Edward walked in the door. I jumped up and ran to him preparing to savor every second and to make enough memories to last the summer. I hugged him tightly and all I wanted to do was break down. I wanted to cry and beg him to stay. I forced back the tears and the urge to get on my knees to plead with him to stay.

"How was your day?" I asked into his chest.

"Perfect now that you're in my arms," Edward said before kissing the top of my head. I finally let him go and tried my best to smile at him.

"I need more time," I told him, practically breaking down. "I can't believe you are leaving for Nashville tomorrow," I was trying to be as honest with him as I could.

"I know Angel. I feel the same way. Do you know what Carlisle said to me when I told him how badly I didn't want to leave you?" I shook my head no, "he said, 'Edward, you should be thanking the Lord for giving you someone that makes saying good-bye so difficult.'

"I just feel like this is some sort of turning point or something," I confided in him as he pulled me into his lap on the couch.

"The time is here and it's what I have to do. I need to go; it's more than a job to me. It feels really good to inspire people and help them find their way when there lost simply by singing words that I wrote. All we can do is make the best out of this test we have been given. We have tonight left," Edward told me hugging me closely.

He was leaving at seven o'clock in the morning. Nashville wasn't that far of a drive so they decided to cut some costs and drive.

"It's not forever," I breathed. It had been my mantra the past few days.

"We are going to talk every day," he told me. "Actually I got you something."

"Edward, really you're the one going away, and your birthday is in like two weeks, I should have gotten you something," he just smiled at me.

"Bella, I have you. That's all I could ever ask for," he said kissing me deeply. "Anyway it's nothing big or anything and I have one for you and one for me."

"Let me see," I exclaimed like an impatient child. Edward excused himself and returned with a big frame with a simple red bow tied around it. He handed it to me and I let the ribbon fall to floor as I stared amazed at the picture. It was a picture of Edward and me at his moms wedding. We were dancing outside in the gazebo when we were all alone.

"My mom asked the photograph to snap a picture of us dancing since it was the only time we had to be ourselves the entire night," Edward explained to me. "Bella you looked beautiful that night." Looking at the picture, I nodded because I did look beautiful. I never thought I looked beautiful. I was happier then I had ever been just having told Edward I loved him. It was a beautiful moment and it translated into the photograph perfectly. You could easily tell how in love we were looking into each other's eyes.

"I had one framed for me too, since it was one of the best nights of my life, but I am leaving the framed here at my house. I have a wallet size to bring with me," Edward explained. I reached up and hugged him tightly. I didn't want to cry so soon, but it was pointless to try and stop the tears. I repeated my mantra in my head.

_It's not forever. It's not forever. It's not forever. _

There came a point where I am not sure if it helped it or made it hurt more because my silent tears turned into sobs and Edward just held me tighter.

"There are no goodbyes here Angel," Edward tried to reassure me. "Where ever we are, you are always in my heart." I nodded into his chest trying to compose myself.

"Talk to me Bella, tell me why this scares you so much?" Edward asked me.

"I guess, I just learned how to love someone who I _can_ see every day and now I have to learn how to keep that love going over long distances. I don't know how or if it will work….what if you change your mind about me and realize you don't need me? Or want me?" I was honest with him, because he deserved my honesty. He has always been straightforward and truthful with me.

"Angel, I love you...I'm not going anywhere, I am here," Edward said pointing to my heart, "Distance doesn't have to change that, and some days will be harder than others, but every day is a day closer to the end. We just have to take this summer one day at time." I calmed myself down and forced myself to hold it together. I didn't want to spend my last night with Edward crying.

"What do you want for dinner?" He asked me.

"I don't really feel like cooking…can we just order in?" I asked him.

"If that's what you want, we can," he told me as he retrieved the delivery menus from the side table drawer. We decided on Chinese and Edward put in one of my favorite movies, _Juno_.

"I never saw this you know," he told me as he draped his arm around me.

"Not surprised," I told him.

"Yeah, well I saw it and thought of you so I bought it."

"Huh….well I love lots of movies, is this the only one you saw that wasn't rated R?" I teased him.

"I just prefer _NOT_ to watch vulgar language, sex, or gore," Edward defended himself. I laughed and snuggled into his side. After the food arrived and we finished eating I feel asleep in Edwards arms.

I woke up to Edwards fingers lightly tickling my arms. I could feel his hardness pressing against my ass and I pushed back slightly, rubbing against it.

We both let out a moan. I loved nothing more than the sensation of being lightly tickled. I felt Edwards mouth move to my neck and up to my ear.

"I was hoping to do more than sleep my last night home for over three months," he whispered seductively in my ear.

"I am yours, whatever you want," I told him arching myself into him. Edwards's hands moved confidently to my breasts. His skillful hands began to knead my breasts. His fingers trailed down to my stomach and he drew light circles on the surface of my abdomen. Swiftly, Edward pulled my shirt up and over my head, he didn't remove my bra, instead he pulled my left breast out of the cup and pinched my nipple harder than he had ever before. "I'm gonna miss this so much," he breathed heavily into my ear. He trailed kisses down my neck and onto my shoulder, before his hand traveled to my waist. He didn't hesitate when he unbuttoned my jeans with one hand. Once there was room for his hand to fit he slid underneath my underwear and began to stoke me rougher then he normally did, and it was fucking hot.

"God that feels amazing, baby. Ahhhh," I moaned loudly as his fingers moved faster and harder inside of me.

I turned to face him forcing his fingers to withdrawal, but I needed to feel his lips, his tongue, I needed to be closer. I kissed him hard shoving my tongue deep into his mouth, he fought against mine, and grabbed my leg pulling it over his hip. I moved up and down against him creating as much friction as I could.

Edward's hand found the back of my head and he pushed my head harder to his lips. Edward bit down on my bottom lip, and it hurt, in such a good way. I could barley breath and was forced to pull away from his lips, my own felt raw; I even tasted blood from where Edward bit my lip. I licked my bottom lip as I reached down to remove Edward's shirt. "God you are fucking beautiful," I told him in awe. He grabbed me and kissed me hard again. As he kissed me, he unclasped my bra.

"No, you are the Angel," he said releasing my breasts before bringing them to his mouth. His fingers found my jeans and he pushed me back, "Stand up for me," he asked and I happily complied. He sat up, and his hands rested on my hips before he pulled down my jeans along with my underwear, and I let out a gasp. I had never been fully undressed in front of Edward. His eyes bore into mine as I stepped out of the jeans. My entire body felt like it was being lit on fire by his gaze. His eyes traveled up to mine. He licked his lips as his eyes traveled to my breasts, my stomach, and then my center. When his eyes landed on my center, his hands found my ass. He moved forward and kissed my stomach, licked my stomach, and sucked my stomach. I felt his hand reach between my legs from behind, and he stroked my clit the exact way I had showed him months ago. I groaned in pleasure and felt Edward's teeth bite down on my stomach. "Come here," he said lying back on the couch. I climbed on top of him and kissed his lips, his jaw, and his neck as his hands roamed my exposed body. "Come up to me…so I can taste you," Edward breathed heavily. I complied, and positioned myself over his face. I hovered there for a few seconds, and I could feel his breath hitting my center. "So hot," Edward spoke before his hands found my hips and he moved them down so his lips could meet mine.

I felt his tongue move in and out of my wetness. I could hear the erotic noises we began to create. I couldn't help myself when I began to rock my hips as Edward moved his magic tongue inside of me.

I felt my orgasm building and I arched back placing my hands on his thighs as I screamed out in ecstasy.

I didn't waste any time, I moved down to his pants and undid the five buttons of his evil, evil jeans. I moved my hand under the waistband of his boxer briefs and pulled his hard dick out of them. I stroked it a few times before I became overwhelmed with the need to taste him.

I swirled my tongue around the tip of his penis before looking up at him to make sure what I was doing was okay with Edward. He smiled at me and I knew in that moment he wanted his dick in my mouth more than anything.

I moved my mouth over his hardness and began to move slowly down to the base while keeping eye contact with Edward. His green eyes were stunning and I felt like I could get lost inside the pleasure I saw inside of them. "I don't want to come yet," Edward said stopping my mouth from moving up and down his length. I trailed my tongue up his body until I reached his mouth and he began to kiss me sweetly, longingly…and I remembered, this was our goodbye….

"I want to be closer to you," I told him. "I have a condom in my purse," I bit my lip nervously waiting for his response.

"Get it," he told me. I stood from the couch not one bit insecure that I was completely exposed in front of Edward. I bent over making sure my ass was facing in his direction and retrieved the condom. I came back over and handed him the gold wrapped protection. "I don't… I mean I never," he struggled to find the words. I nodded at him my understanding and ripped open the square package. I rolled the condom on him and he maneuvered himself over me.

I could feel him at my entrance as he started longingly into my eyes. He closed his eyes and let out an unsteady breath. "I can't…" he said pained. "I just can't…I'm so sorry," he spoke defeated, as if he failed.

I shook my head and grabbed his face, "Don't…please, don't be sorry. I am not sorry. It's okay." I assured him stroking his face. "Whenever you are ready."

"I feel like such an idiot," he said pulling down the blanket on the back of the couch and wrapping me in it.

I looked up at him, "I love you," I told him honestly. "I didn't mean to pressure you…I don't need sex to feel close to you." He kissed my forehead and held me for the next hour.

God please make this summer go fast.

**REVIEW!! Please…are you mad he didn't do it? Relieved? Want a Teaser? **


	27. Chapter 26 Can We Still be Friends

**SM owns Twlight and I made a mistake saying Jessica Simpson owned Angel, Robbie Williams does, and that is just my stupidly, Like Jessica Simpson could actually write lyrics…I don't mean any disrespect but chicken of the sea…nuff said.**

**Keepingupwiththekids is my lovely beta. Thanks so much!**

**Chapter 26**

Can We Still Be Friends?

_We can't play this game anymore but_

_Can we still be friends?_

_Things just can't go on like before but_

_Can we still be friends?_

_We had something to learn_

_Now it's time for the wheel to turn_

_Grains of sand, one by one_

_Before you know it, all gone_

_Let's admit we made a mistake but_

_Heartbreak's never easy to take but_

_It's a strange, sad affair_

_Sometimes seems like we just don't care_

_Don't waste time feeling hurt_

_We've been through hell together_

_Mandy Moore_

**BPOV**

June 25

I was alone. School was out, so I didn't see Jasper or even really talk to him. Alice was always off with Riley. All I had was my so far failed attempts at getting Edward to sext message me back. He wasn't very good at it, but I swore by the end of the summer we would have actual phone sex.

I missed him so much, my heart literally ached. I was going to take it one day at a time. That is all I could do.

_Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will. _

Edward wrote that on the back of the picture he gave me, I have read it a hundred times. I didn't even freaking notice it, until I got home. Then I cried some more over his absence.

Alice agreed to go with me to the mall so I could get a new swimsuit. I ended up getting what she called a 'monokini' from Victoria Secret. It was a bright green and the first day Alice and me walked onto the lake, I felt like I didn't belong.

The beach was lined with frumpy moms that covered up as much as possible. Their husbands stared at us, it was a bit creepy. There was a group of guys playing volleyball that were decent looking, not that any of them compared to Edward. All I wanted was a tan. Alice's family had a cabin on the lake. She said I could use it whenever I came, and there were always parties throughout the summer. I was still too scared to go to one.

"I'm going to call Jasper," I told Alice, as I fixed my beach chair.

"Really? I think that would be a good idea…I know he misses you," Alice told me as we settled into our chairs.

"Sucks that Riley is working all summer, he is going to miss all the fun at the lake," I told Alice pulling my sunglasses over my eyes.

"I know, but he will be around at night for all the parties," I nodded at Alice and took the oil from her so I could lather up my body.

"I don't think I will make it to many parties," I told her applying the oil to my legs.

"Bella, we will make sure nothing happens to you," Alice tried to assure me. It just didn't make me feel any better.

"Alice, can you do my back?" I asked her pulling my hair up in a high ponytail. I turned my back toward her and let her rub the oil in. Then I noticed one of the few cuter boys approaching us.

"I can help you with that," he offered, and if my boyfriend wasn't the sex god that he is, I would have thought he was pretty hot.

"We're good," I told him quickly.

"I'm Lucas," he said holding out his hand to me. I didn't want to be a complete bitch so I shook his hand.

"Bella," It was hard to be friendly, but not too friendly. "Could you help by taking a picture of us?" I asked, handing him my camera.

"Do I get a copy?" He joked as Alice and I got close and he snapped a picture.

"Thanks," I told him. I really couldn't wait to send Edward the pictures of me half-naked. It would only help my cause for phone sex.

"You ladies want to come play volleyball with us?" Lucas asked. Alice shrugged her shoulders and I thought why the hell not. Lucas offered us each a hand to help us up and lead us over to the rest of his friends.

I fail at volleyball. I am afraid of the ball. I hide from the ball. I run from the ball. The boys all laughed at my expense. They were all very nice, and funny. Lucas tried to give me pointers, but I didn't really care about how good I played volleyball so his pointers fell on deaf ears.

The more I hung out with him the hotter he actually became. He had a well defined six pack, a tattoo on his shoulder blade, dirty blonde hair that was short and was slightly spiked at the top, and piercing blue eyes.

His friend begged me and Alice to play chicken in the water, and I wasn't really comfortable climbing on top of Lucas's shoulders, but I did. Of course, I knocked Alice down, but she is tougher then she looks. Lucas and I were laughing over our victory, and all of a sudden, he pulled me off his shoulders and dunked me under the water. Which I still wasn't use to, the muddy, murky lake water, was not the type of water I liked to swim in.

Once he helped me out, I hit his chest.

"What the hell was that for?" He asked me with a smile.

"That was your punishment for making me get my hair wet with that nasty water!" I told him.

"Punishment…Hmmm I like the way that sounds, what else can I do to get punished by you?" He asked me.

"Not much, sorry to disappoint you," I told him as we walked along the beach.

"We have one of the cabins here rented for the summer, we have parties planned for every night, you are more than welcome to come," he offered me. Last summer this invitation would have made my summer. I sat down at my chair and he sat in Alice's chair. Alice was still in the water with Lucas's friend.

"I have been trying to stay out of the party scene actually," I told him truthfully.

We talked some more, and it turns out he is older than Edward, twenty-five, and works at a nightclub as the bar manager.

My phone began to buzz in my purse and I took it out to find a message from Edward.

_Need to see you. - E _

Earlier in the day, Alice and I had snapped a picture together with my iPhone in our new bikini's so I sent that picture to Edward.

_Love you, miss you, need to see you too. - B _

"Sorry," I told Lucas as I put my phone away.

"It's cool…seems like you were happy to get that message," he was observant.

"Yeah, I was," I told him with a big smile.

"Boyfriend?" He asked me, and I nodded at him. "Figures, first great girl I meet this summer is spoken for…I can't believe he lets you come out looking like that by yourself. If I were your boyfriend, I'd never leave your side," he told me.

"He is actually gone all summer, on tour…so we really don't have a choice, so we have to do the long distance thing," I explained to Lucas.

"Tour? So what is he some big rock star?" Lucas joked.

"Well, no, but he is recording and I guess he is big in his indie way," I told him

"You didn't want to go with him? I mean like you said earlier you're not doing anything this summer but getting a tan."

"If you must know…it seems being sixteen has its downfalls, and not being able to go on a cross country tour with your boyfriend is not really realistic," I told him.

"Sixteen? Your only sixteen….How old is this rock star boyfriend of yours?" He asked me with a small laugh.

"Twenty-Two. It's not that big of a deal, really. My mom loves him," I attempted to justify our relationship. It's hard to make it sound okay to a complete stranger, I mean, I didn't really want to get into the whole twenty-two year old virgin thing, or the youth group, but it's not as if Edward was taking advantage of me.

"You are trouble aren't you?" He joked with me.

"Once upon a time, yes I was trouble, like I said I am trying hard to stay away from the party scene."

"Did you say your mom loves him? Does she know he is twenty-two? I mean I feel a bit dirty after flirting with you all day."

"Edward, isn't like you. He doesn't chase tail, or whatever you guys call it. He is very….god I don't want to make him sound gay or like a tool because he isn't, but he is conservative, it's almost like he is from a different time. He is a true gentleman. He is the type of guy who makes you love your name just because he says it," I decided that was the best way to describe him. "He isn't like most twenty-two year olds." I finished.

"Well, I bet he has his hands full with you," I laughed at him and nodded. Lucas stood from Alice's chair, brushing some sand from his shorts.

"Well, it's been fun, but I have to get back," he extended his hand to me and I took. "It was a pleasure Bella," he said kissing the top of my hand. I nodded at him and watched him walk away from me. My phone went off and I pulled it out from my purse.

Edward sent a picture of him sitting in the studio singing and strumming his guitar.

_You're out in public in that bathing suit?! E _

I laughed, and texted him back.

_You bet your ass I am. Thanks for the finger porn. B _

_You like my fingers? E_

_I like to think of the pleasure your fingers bring me…if only I were alone and not on this crowded beach. B _

_What would you be doing? E _

_I would be moving my fingers in and out of myself, pressing against my clit, thinking of your fingers, remembering your breath on my neck, the hardness of your cock pressed against me. B _

_Be good Bella, how do you expect me to record with a hard on? E_

_Fine we can continue later. B _

_Please wear sunscreen and not baby oil. E _

I laughed at his last message and put my phone away. I spread out on my towel and laid on my stomach falling into a light sleep.

Alice woke me about an hour later and we made our way back to her cabin to get changed.

Once I got home, I did the one thing I had been putting off for weeks, for fear of rejection; I called Jasper.

"Hi, it's Bella. I'm sorry. I know it's late, I just... what happened to us? You know? I don't know how we got here. I miss you. My home hasn't felt the same since you left… I wanna have a home again, ya know? I want my friend back… I miss you. I guess I just miss all of it. Does any of that make any sense?"

"Yeah, it makes all the sense in the world, Bella. A year ago, it all seemed so clear, didn't it? Conquer the world, live happily ever after."

"Are you happy, Jasper?"

"Sometimes. Not always. Are you?"

"Not always, not at all right now….I don't feel like I have anyone, not Edward, not you."

"Okay, then let me ask you something. What is gonna make you happy, Bella?"

"Love, I think…and that love can be for a friend, or a place, or a way of life, or even for family." I felt like Edward; 'All Love is the Movement', and 'Kill with Love'. I was becoming a little hippie love child, just like him.

"So, where are you gonna find that love?"

"I need you to come home."

"Yeah. I was hoping you'd say that." I could almost hear his smile.

"So, we can be friends again?" I hedged.

"Sure."

"Like before?"

"I don't think so, like before is gone, had a relationship. We can't pretend that we didn't. But... before that, we were really close friends. There's no reason we can't have that again."

"We can hope," I said sincerely.I guess everything rides on hope," I told him. Hope is essential to survival.

"Did you know Edward came and talked to my dad? He um, got my dad to go get help," Jasper changed the subject.

"Really Jazz? Edward didn't tell me. That's great! I hope he gets better."

"Me too, cause my SAT score isn't really in the Duke scholarship range."

"What did you get?"

"Six hundred reading, five-fifty math. They look for like thirteen hundreds just to get in."

"You can take it again, you can improve, isn't that the whole reason you took it junior year?" I asked him.

"I need to ask you a question…..If I don't go to Duke, if I don't play college basketball…..I mean if today is the best it ever gets for me, will that be enough?"

"Of course it will be. I don't really like sports, but I like to watch sometimes. When I watch a game it reminds me that we all have greatness inside of us. You know, on any given day an underdog can rise up. It gives me _hope,_" I told him.

"Edward is making you happy, isn't he B?"

"Do you think it's okay to be so in love with somebody your heart aches?"

"I think you're lucky to love someone so much your heart aches….It kinda sucks being the footnote in someone else's love story."

"You're more than that…What about Bree? What about your love story?"

"Bree? Um…she's okay…not the love of my life or anything. I don't really want to talk about her. I'm going to come home now," Jasper said.

"I've been waiting for you to come home for months now."

Jasper arrived at my house in less than ten minutes and I ran to him. I jumped up on him and he hugged my little body so close to him.

"Feels good to be home, B," he told me as he placed me back on the ground.

"Damn straight," I told him sitting down on my porch steps.

"So what parties are we going to make an appearance at?" Jasper asked me.

"I don't really like the whole party scene since that New Years Eve shit," I told him.

"B, I am your protector. I got your back," Jasper told me putting his arm around me. "I'm so fucking sorry I let shit go down like that."

He didn't have to apologize to me. I knew it.

"I guess we can do the parties at the lake," I said, letting him know I trusted him to protect me. "You're gonna come with me tomorrow to the lake right?"

"Of course, Alice said you had some guy following you around today?"

"I did…he was cool though." We sat in a comfortable silence for several minutes, just taking in the quite summer night. "Let's go watch a movie or play guitar hero," I suggested standing up from the steps. Jasper followed me inside, raided my fridge and took up his old post on my couch.

"This feels odd…maybe a little wrong," Jasper told me.

"Seriously? I thought it was perfect," I told him.

"Pain is such a huge part of my life that I expect it to be there because I can't remember a time in my life when it wasn't, but then today I felt something else, something that felt wrong only because it's so unfamiliar, and in that moment I realized I was happy…I am happy for you and Edward. I am happy that my dad is getting help. I am happy now that I realized I don't need to runaway to find happiness. It's like a huge weight lifted."

"I'm happy you're happy," I told him handing him a bowl of popcorn.

I snuggled into him and completely forgot about my promise to call Edward.

I woke up at two o'clock in the morning to two missed calls, and two text messages.

I felt awful; I felt like the guy that says he is going to call but never does.

_Sorry, I missed your calls. I feel asleep. I miss you…. B _

I sent the text message and climbed in bed.

Thank you Jesus for bringing Jasper back into my life.

**Review for a Teaser, next is EPOV and a month or so later!! **


	28. Chapter 27 I'd Lie

_**SM owns Twilight. **_

_**I would like to send out a few rec's I think are worth reading. One is called Acting Out by eroticfan – It popped by slash cherry…Edward is Bi….so he IS with Bella…they just have fun with someone else, and it's HOT. **_

_**Next Rec is my OTH girl MercuryComet63, it's her first fic I just read it today, I think you should all go read, review and tell her to KEEP ON!! It's called First Night of the Rest of My Life. Links are on my Profile for both. **_

_**The Sandbox Forum, there is a thread there for this story…come talk to me…I am lonely. **_

_**Keepingupwiththekids is my lovely beta! Thanks so much!!** _

_**Chapter 27**_

_**I'd Lie**_

_**EPOV **_

"Excuse me…Edward?" I heard a voice calling me out of my daze. I turned and saw Kate, trying to get my attention. Kate was a cute girl. Always smiling. Her hair was brown and always looked shiny. Her eyes were a grayish blue and she always looked like so genuine and sweet.

"What's up Kate?" I asked her, running my hands through my hair. I had just arrived at the summer camp I had agreed to be at for the next two weeks and she was one of the head counselors, I had worked with her for several years at this camp in Missouri.

"You look about a hundred miles away, is there something on your mind?" She asked me with her thick midwestern accent.

I rubbed my face as I thought about all the things bothering me. For starters, my girlfriend was hard to get a hold of, and when I could get a hold of her, I never had her full attention. I missed her like crazy, I was exhausted from traveling, and to top it off, I had just finished sending my third unanswered message to Bella. I was starting to wonder if she needed me as much as I needed her. It was the third week in July and we hadn't talked nearly as much as I thought we would. We promised to talk every night, we hadn't spoken for three days and the text messages she returned were short, and seemed rushed. I knew her, Jasper, and Alice had become like the three musketeers, and I was happy she was not sitting around moping. I was also upset she wasn't making any effort to make this long distance thing work better.

I sat down on the couch in the common area of the staff house. It was set up like dorms, and the band and I got a few rooms while we were there.

"I was just trying to get a hold of someone back home….I didn't get through. I am just getting a bit frustrated by it that's all," I told her, as she sat next to me.

"Tanya?" She asked me.

"No, no. Not at all." I told her.

"Really? I talked to her around Christmas time and she said you were getting back together."

"She mentioned wanting to make that happen, I am just not interested in her romantically."

"Oh….well. I guess that's good to know. You're still the same guy that swore last summer you would never fall in love, huh?" I nodded at her absentmindedly as I compulsively checked my phone hoping Bella would call or text me back.

"Listen, why don't you just put your phone away, and come hang out with us by the fire? You know roast some marshmallows or sing us some songs…we can't do that without you," I looked over at Kate as she stood from the couch and saw the top of her hot pink thong sticking out slightly as she stood, she adjusted her jeans and turned towards me.

"Sure," I told her as I stood from the couch. I tossed my cell phone on the coffee table and followed Kate out to the campfire.

"Don't forget your guitar! I can't wait to hear you play! I heard you got some pretty cool songs on your new CD."

"Yeah, I do," I told her. "Are you still going to Missouri Baptist College?" I asked her as we walked out. She was a few years younger than I was, nineteen or twenty.

"Ah huh," she said nodding yes. "I am majoring in Psychology. I have one year left."

"That's great," I told her motioning for her to sit down first.

I sat next to Kate on a log after I greeted everyone, and soon after I started fielding requests for songs, most of which were not mine, or religious based. This was fine by me. I enjoy playing all types of music.

"Hey can you do that Taylor Swift Song I'd Lie? I'll sing it!" Kate asked enthusiastically.

"Hum it for me so I can see if I can try to remember the chords," I always tried to learn popular songs, it kept the teens interested when you could switch it up with songs that they really liked. Kate would always send me a list of songs for the campfires and sing the girl songs.

Kate began to hum the tune, the chords came back to me quickly, and I began to play. She looked at me with her big smile as she sung.

_I don't think that passenger seat_

_Has ever looked this good to me_

_He tells me about his night_

_And I count the colors in his eyes_

_He'll never fall in love he swears_

_As he runs his fingers through his hair_

_I'm laughing 'cause I hope he's wrong_

_And I don't think it ever crossed his mind_

_He tells a joke I fake a smile_

_That I know all his favorite songs and_

_I could tell you his favorite colors green_

_He loves to argue, born on the seventeenth_

_His sister's beautiful, he has his father's eyes_

_And if you ask me if I love him, __I'd lie_

_He looks around the room_

_Innocently overlooks the truth_

_Shouldn't a light go on?_

_Doesn't he know I've had him memorized for so long?_

_He sees everything black and white_

_Never let nobody see him cry_

_I don't let nobody see me wishing he was mine_

_He stands there then walks away_

_My God, if I could only say_

_I'm holding every breathe for you_

_He'd never tell you but he can play guitar_

_I think he can see through everything but my heart_

_First thought when I wake up is, _

_"My god, he's beautiful"_

_So I put on my makeup and pray for a miracle_

Everyone applauded as we ended the song, and everyone wanted to hear her sing. Which I didn't mind at all, it was nice not to be the center of attention.

She sang with a lot of passion, whenever she sang about being in love. The later it got the more people left, and soon it was just Kate and me.

"That was fun," she laughed as she roasted a marshmallow. I brought mine out as it was engulfed in flames, and Kate began to blow on it, trying to extinguish the flame. As soon as the once white marshmallow was on longer in flames, she bit into it.

"YO! That's mine!" I told her, pulling the stick out of her mouth and eating what was left of it.

"I know, it just looked so perfectly burnt," she laughed harder as she licked some marshmallow from the corner of her mouth. She scooted closer to me and I looked away.

"You know that song…I'd Lie?" She asked me. I nodded to her and leaned back onto my elbows. "It reminds me of someone I like," she told me.

"Really? Who?" I asked her.

"Doesn't matter, he doesn't really show interest in anybody."

"All guys are interested in someone, some are just better at hiding it then others," I told her, looking up at the moon. I wondered if Bella was looking at the same moon, because she certainly was not looking at her phone. "You should tell him, how you feel…what's the worst that is going to happen?" I asked her.

"Um… what if he turns me down and I can never look at him again!" She told me.

"That's the worst? Pshhh! Isn't the reward worth the risk? All I know, is you do what feels right." I stood to my feet wanting nothing more than to talk to Bella. "Listen, I am going to go see if I got that phone call. I will talk to you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, sure, tomorrow," Kate said, and I swore there was a hint of disappointment in her voice.

"Listen, come meet me in a little bit if you want to talk some more…okay?' I offered her.

She smiled at me and nodded before I turned and headed back to the staff house. I picked up my cell phone and was disappointed Bella still hadn't returned my calls or texts.

I went into my room and dialed her again.

"Edward!" I heard her yell over loud music. "Hang on!" she yelled into the phone and I could hear the background get quieter around her. "Babe, can you hear me?" She asked in a softer tone.

"Yeah, I can hear you…did you get my messages?" I asked her

"I did. I'm at this party at the lake and I was going to call you as soon as we left," she explained.

"You could have sent back a quick message letting me know."

"Are you mad?"

"Yes I am…we promised to talk every night, and I haven't spoken to you in three days. I don't feel like you are trying to make this work." I told her honestly.

"I'm sorry Edward….It is so hard for me to talk to you. I should be more open with you about it, but every time I talk to you and hear your voice, I miss you so much it hurts. I have just been hiding from it all I guess…avoiding the pain."

"Angel, I miss you so much, and it hurts for me to be away from you too, but we can't hide from it, or we are going to be strangers when I get home….please don't avoid me."

"I didn't mean to avoid _YOU_," she explained. "I guess it is not going to get easier… missing you, I mean."

"No, it's not even going to get bearable," I told her defeated. "So, you're at the lake?" I asked her.

"Uh huh. Some guys invited Alice and me to a party. We have been hanging out with them on the beach."

"Some guys?" I asked her. "Like who?" I didn't really want to come across as being jealous, or untrusting.

"This one guy Lucas….I think his last name is Reid," she told me.

"Bella are you serious? He is trouble, you've been hanging out with him all summer?!" I asked because I remembered him from high school. He graduated two years ahead of me and was the high school player, troublemaker.

"He is nice Edward, and Jasper is always with me, and I am not drinking or anything."

"Bella, I really don't like that you are hanging out with that crowd."

There was a soft knock on my door and I got up to go answer it.

"Bella hang on a second, there is someone at my door," I took the phone off my ear as I opened the door to Kate.

"Hey…" She spoke quietly. "Listen, it's you, you're the one I have wanted for years, since the moment I saw you, I have been in love with you, I am so tired of lying about it," she spoke louder as she walked closer to me. I stepped back and held my hand out asking her to stop.

"Kate…" I spoke softly, as I heard Bella yelling for me faintly from my cell phone. I put the phone to my ear to hear Bella yelling into it.

"What the fuck is going on? Who the hell is in your room telling you they love you? You're seriously talking to me about Lucas who is well aware that I have a boyfriend and you have some bitch coming to your room to declare her love for you!"

"Bella, give me one minute please?" I said as I saw Kate begin to tear up in front of me. I watched her walk over to my dresser and pick up the picture of Bella at the lake, that she had sent me.

"You have a girlfriend," she spoke softly at the information I withheld from her earlier, I didn't feel she needed to know.

"I have more than a girlfriend. The title girlfriend doesn't do justice to the way I feel about that girl," I said motioning to the picture.

"I feel like an idiot," she said. "She is beautiful….I'm gonna go. I feel like I am intruding," Kate said walking out of my room quickly.

"Angel?" I said into the phone.

"I can't do this. I hate that there are all these woman that want you…I don't feel like more than your girlfriend."

"You don't? Bella, you are the most important person in my life."

"You tell me that, but you don't show me that," she said.

"Show you? Are you talking about sex?"

"I am."

"Sex doesn't equal love."

"It would with us…and I don't get why we can't take that next step. If I mean _THAT _much to you, why can't we take that next step, why can't you show me?"

"You know why, because I don't believe in sex before marriage."

"Do you think we will get married one day? Cause I do. You are who I see when I picture my life thirty years from now, and I am not getting married anytime soon, like at least until I am twenty five, and that just seems so long to wait for the inevitable, to wait for some silly piece of paper….unless you don't see me in your future."

"You are all I see. I can't even begin to imagine my life without you. It is not about a piece of paper, it's about where we stand in the eyes of the Lord."

"I need to feel connected to you….I ache for you….are you alone?"

"Yes, but I don't think we should do this if you are at the lake," I responded.

"Looks like I have the beach to myself,"

"I'm not really feeling the mood, Bella." I told her.

"Fine," she relented. "I love you," she said sweetly. She knew my weakness. Those three words.

"I love you too."

BPOV

August

I sat Indian style on my bed and carefully opened the package that arrived on my doorstep this afternoon. I wanted to keep the envelope forever. Edward addressed it with his perfect handwriting; _To my Angel; Bella Swan. _How freaking cute is he?

I slid the compact disc out of the bubble wrap, and smiled with pride at Edward's CD, entitled _Love is the Movement_. I unfolded the letter and began to read what Edward wrote.

_Angel, _

_You are the first person to get this CD. I couldn't have done it without you; my inspiration. _

_Know that I love you and miss you. I think of you every day and am counting the seconds until I see you again. _

_Always yours, _

_Edward_

_Ps, don't forget to read the dedication. _

I opened up the CD and removed the insert, quickly finding the dedication page.

_We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. - Sam Keen, from To Love and Be Loved_

_Many prayers were answered to make this CD happen. First and foremost, I have to thank my Savior Jesus Christ for answering those prayers. He answered them in the form of an Angel. _

_To my Angel, you have no idea the impact you have on me. When I see you, you don't even have to speak. All you have to do is smile, and it makes my day. I live for your smile. You are my favorite 'hello', and you are my hardest 'goodbye'. God gave us two ears to hear, two eyes to see, and two hands to hold, but he only gave us one heart, so we can find the other one. I am so thankful I found it with you. Loving you is worth the risk of everything, worth fighting for. Thank you, for being bold enough to inspire me. For giving me the courage to be brave enough to love you. You didn't have to steal my heart, it has always been yours. _

_I thank God everyday for sending me an Angel on Earth. I love you. _

Seriously? Was I so lucky to have someone write such sweet things about me? I could hardly believe it. I took the square insert and pinned it up on my corkboard that was on my bedroom wall. It held pictures of mostly me and Edward, but there were a few from this summer of me, Alice, and Jasper.

I picked up my cell phone and dialed Edward, desperate to hear his voice; it rang and went to voicemail. I was disappointed, but I knew he was busy.

"Baby, I just got your CD and I haven't listened to it yet, but I read the dedication, and holy crap! Thank you so much. I don't even know what to say or whatever. Just that I love you too, and I miss you too," I hung up the phone with a sigh, tossing it to the bed.

I had just gotten home from the beach and put off my shower in favor of opening Edward's package. I began to pull off my bathing suit and had my bikini top off when my cell phone began to ring. I reached down and saw Edward's name dancing along the screen. I excitedly answered the phone, "Edward!"

"Sorry I missed your call, Angel," Edward began. "What's up?"

"I just got your CD babe! It's amazing. Really, I am at a loss for words." I told him as I struggled to peel off my wet bikini bottoms, unsuccessfully. The phone slipped from my shoulder and ear because of my still damp hair. "Shit!" I exclaimed as the cell landed on my toes. I picked up the phone quickly, "Sorry babe, I am just having a little trouble. I dropped the phone trying to get out of this wet bathing suit."

"Bella…I don't have time to make you come right now, please don't start," Edward said.

"I'm serious Edward! I wasn't trying to start anything! I just got back from the pool, I need to get this chlorine out of my hair." I told him. Edward and I had been having phone sex regularly for the past month. Most of the time I started it…but he always finishes it. I was a bit apprehensive the first time, I said things I wanted to do that we never did before.

"_Edward," I breathed heavily as I moved my fingers in and out of center. "I wish it were you moving inside me." _

"_I can't wait for my fingers feel your warmth again," he groaned back. _

"_No Edward, I want your dick inside of me so bad. I want to feel stretched by it, I want you to feel the tightness inside of me. I want to feel your weight on top of me, your breath on my neck. I want it so bad. Fingers aren't enough…I need more."_

"_I want to give you more. I fantasize about being inside you, about being one with you." _

Since, then, it seemed at some point during the phone sex he would go through with having sex with me.

"You can't tell me you're getting undressed and expect me to not think you're not trying to start something." Edward replied.

"Well, like you said, you don't have time, and I don't have time, so it doesn't really matter does it?" I said like I didn't give two shits, but really I would make the time for Edward.

"Your birthday Bella, why didn't you tell me I was missing it?"

"It's not that big of a deal, really. I don't care."

"I care! We will celebrate when I get back, I hate to cut this short but I have a radio interview in like thirty seconds."

"Okay babe, love you," I told him pulling on my robe.

"Love you too," he said before the line went dead.

How many more days? I couldn't wait much longer. 

**REVIEW!!! I know I said this was all EPOV, BUT I think I was nice, originally I was going to have one more chapter of summer, instead I cut some stuff and made it into one chapter, so next chapter Edward returns! Review for that teaser!! **


	29. Chapter 28 Hallelujah

**SM owns Twilight….I own um…I don't own much actually!**

**Keepingupwiththekids pumped this out really really fast cause she was dying to get Chapter 29, which she has…**

**VERY VERY IMPORTANT A/N PLEASE READ!!!**

**_I wasn't going to post this tonight but I want to bring attention to the situation in Haiti, I have a dear friend there. She is a part of the NY/NJ Twimom family, and I was lovingly adopted by them from Philly. Her name is Suky, and she went there to visit her family with her two year old daughter, she is very scared. Thank God her family is safe, but a lot of friends are dead or missing. They can hear people under the rubble and there isn't enough help to get them out. Please donate whatever you can. Pray. Check out what MsKathy is doing with TwiFans for Haiti. For at least a $5 donation you will receive a PDF full of work from a ton of authors. I am in talks with DevilishPleasures girls to add a piece from us, dedicated to Suky. The Link for TwiFans for Haiti is on my profile, please pray for them all!_**

**Chapter 28 **

**EPOV **

**Hallelujah**

_**Well your faith was strong but you needed proof **_

_**You saw her bathing on the roof **_

_**Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you **_

_**She tied you to her kitchen chair **_

_**She broke your throne and she cut your hair **_

_**And from your lips she drew the hallelujah**_

_**Jeff Buckley**_

"Edward!" I heard Felix yell for me as I was heading for my car to drive home to Bella.

"What's up?" I said to him trying to be polite and not act like I was in such a rush. All I could think about was the fact that in less than four hours I would see her, my Angel.

"I wasn't sure if you would be interested in this, but at the end of September we are putting together a missionary team to go to Africa to work with the kids and schools. I think it be something you would like," he told me handing me a pamphlet.

"It sounds like an amazing chance, I just can't commit to this so soon," I told him. "How long is it for?' I asked him.

"Not long, six months," he told me. I just spent three of the hardest months of my life away from Bella; there was no way I was leaving her for six months.

"Man, I'm sorry, but I have someone back home waiting for me. It's just too close to the end of the tour. Maybe next time," I told him. Even though I had no intention of going unless Bella came with me, and let's face it…Bella going on a mission trip was not likely. I might consider a two-week trip without her, but not much more.

"Well, let me know if you change your mind. You have a safe trip back," Felix said as I gave him a quick hug goodbye.

"Thanks for everything and take care." I told him as I exited the studio.

We were on track to arrive home around nine at night. I told my mom and Carlisle I would see them in the morning that I really wanted to spend some time alone with Bella. Thankfully they understood. I drove almost straight through only stopping for gas and spent most of the time talking to the phone to Bella.

"I should be there at about nine, you can meet me then?" I asked her. Cause I was only about thirty minutes away from my house.

"I'm already here, waiting Edward," she told me and it made me want to drive faster.

"I can't wait to see you," I told her. "What are you wearing?" I asked her anxious to picture her in my mind.

"Actually it's a bit conservative for me; it's a spaghetti strap white eyelet summer dress."

"Short or long?" I asked her.

"Short of course," she answered me as if I should have known.

"Shoes?"

"None, I was wearing sandals, but I took them off."

"And your hair?"

"It's down, a bit messy," she told me and I could just picture her sun kissed skin against the white dress and her long hair flowing in the wind outside of my house, and my cock grew hard.

"What about underneath?" I asked her getting a bit bolder.

"Just a white cotton thong." She answered as if it was no big deal that I was asking her about her underwear.

"I need to feel you, I can't wait to taste you," Bella let out a small moan at my words.

"Edward, your making me wet, is your dick hard?" She asked me.

"All I have to do is hear your voice and it's hard," I told her honestly.

"If I were with you I would rub it," Bella told me, and I let my left hand leave my steering wheel while I rubbed my hardness up and down through my jeans.

"I would slide the straps down your dress and kiss your beautiful breasts," I told her as I imagined feeling her breasts.

"I can't wait to feel your mouth all over me."

"I can't wait for you to show me the way you touched yourself all summer," I told her recalling the few nights she took the lead and told me all the sexual thoughts she had about me and how she would feel herself.

"Absence does make the heart grow fonder doesn't it Edward Cullen? Who would have thought you had such dirty things in your mind!" She joked lightly at me. "I can't wait to show you the things I have done with my fingers all summer in your absence," she breathed into the phone.

"Bella, I will be home in less than two minutes….meet me outside?" I asked her.

"I'm out here," she told me.

"I love you and in less than two minutes I am going to show you how much," I told her as I turned onto my street.

"I love you," she told me back. I could see my driveway in the distance and I never felt happier about being home then I did at that moment.

There was a full moon and the moonlight illuminated the night sky. The air felt humid as I stepped out of the car and saw my Angel. A cool wind blew and I stood in awe of her beauty. Neither of us moved for a few seconds. We just took each other in before we both ran towards the other.

I picked her up off the ground and spun around with her. The pictures she sent all summer did her no justice. I laughed into her hair as she wrapped her legs around my waist. I pulled her back so I could kiss her and she was crying, the happiest tears I have ever seen.

I kissed her passionately missing the taste of her mouth. I carried her inside never breaking the kiss and took her straight to my bed. I wasn't really thinking much more then wanting to feel Bella, to be close to her, to show her how much I loved her, missed her, and needed her.

Before I even knew what happened we were both completely naked in bed. We were just feeling each other, tasting each other, enjoying each other.

I moved my hand to her center and her hand moved with it. Before I could get a chance to enter her, she entered two fingers into herself. She pumped them in and out a few times before she removed them and put them in my mouth. Her left hand massaged her breast, and she said, "This is what I did all summer with my hands," I kissed and sucked her neck. I could feel the sexual tension rising as we became more aggressive with each other.

"I imagined it was your fingers, your hands," she said as I moved my fingers inside her and moved my mouth to her left nipple. I felt her hand move to my hard cock and stroke up and down. "I even imagined it was this," she said and I felt myself grow bigger in her hands.

I didn't think, I just moved. I positioned myself quickly above her and she moved her feet up so the soles of her feet were planted on the mattress and opened her knees wider, I took hold of my cock and thrust it inside of her. Her legs wrapped around my waist and her back slightly arched, I pulled back slowly getting use to the sensation and thrust forward again.

"That feels so good," Bella panted as I continued to thrust inside her, I could feel her getting slicker.

_So wet. So warm. So tight. So inviting_.

Bella moved her hand down and began to massage her clit and I couldn't last. It was so overwhelming and I collapsed on top of her. Exhausted I feel into a deep sleep.

"Edward," I heard Bella say softly as she tried to push me off her. "I have to go; Renee wants me home by midnight." I heard her say before I opened my eyes. Everything was coming back to me slowly as I took in her appearance. Beautiful breast exposed, stomach, tan lines, tattoo…me losing control. I was so angry with myself. I rubbed my eyes and moved off her, our skin sweaty and sticking to each other. She climbed out of bed with no shame, exposed and dressed in front of me…smiling at me. I tried hard to smile back at her as I sat up and pulled my jeans on. I took her hand and walked her to the door to say goodnight. I wasn't mad at her, I was mad at myself. It wasn't like she forced me to have sex; she didn't even ask me.

I kissed her on the cheek as she told me she loved me.

"Me too," I told her, forgetting all the things I wanted to share with her and show her from the trip, I even had a birthday gift for her. All of it forgotten, overshadowed by my mistake, my weakness.

I knew better, how was the Lord ever going to forgive me?

My sleep never came. I felt ashamed. I felt as if I disgraced God, and I hated that I enjoyed it, and wanted desperately to feel her again like that, every chance I got.

The next day Bella had school and I was in no rush to speak to her. I didn't have a clue what to say. I didn't trust myself around her. I had so many unanswered questions within myself I wasn't sure which way was up anymore.

At noon, Bella called and I let it go to voicemail. I sent her a quick text telling her I couldn't talk, that I would talk to her later. I was avoiding her, and that made me feel like an even bigger jerk.

_Can I see you tonight? _Was the text she sent to me when she was finished with school.

_I am having dinner with my mom, Carlisle, Rose, and Emmett…you can come, about six o'clock at Carlisle's. _I told her.

When she arrived at Carlisle's and my mom's, I kissed her on the top of her head and placed my hands in my pockets afraid to touch her. She looked at me and I could see all the questions on her face.

Emmett came out and gave her a big hug. "Can't breathe Em," Bella choked out before Rosalie hit him in the back and said hello to Bella. Bella smiled at them and I just stood there. I put on a fake smile and avoided being close to Bella at all costs throughout the evening.

"I was hoping to get a chance to be alone with you tonight. Last night was amazing. Hands down the best night of my life, I felt so alive, so special," she told me as she crept up behind me in the kitchen where I stood alone, just me with my guilt.

"Not tonight, Bella," I told her sounding a little cold.

"What's your problem?" She asked me a bit defensive.

"I just have a lot on my mind," I told her.

She walked away and joined my family in the living room. I could hear them laughing and I couldn't even bring myself to act like I was okay.

I walked out back and sat down at on the patio chairs just thinking about what I allowed to happen. I pulled at my hair, I felt so lost.

The night sky was bright, the stars were easily seen, and I couldn't help but to contemplate how small I was compared to the planet.

"I have to go," I heard Bella say as she walked toward me.

I got up from the seat and walked her around front to her truck.

"Can I ask for something?" she asked me, and I nodded at her. "Kiss me?" I couldn't deny her anything; I leaned in and kissed her, hoping that it would be enough to keep me close to her.

"I love you Bella," I told her as she climbed into her truck she just nodded her head. "Please, don't ever doubt that." I added. She nodded at me with a look of confusion in her eyes. I shut the truck door, stepped away slowly, and watched her pull away from the curb.

I didn't feel good about being with Bella anymore. It didn't feel right anymore. I wasn't in control and I didn't know who I had been looking at in the mirror every day since the day I first kissed her.

I made excuse after excuse to justify my actions with her, to make myself feel better for the sins I committed and the lies I told. Who did I think I was, preaching to teens every week? Leading worship? Touring all summer spreading Gods word and praise and then rushing home and having sex with Bella. Telling myself a blowjob wasn't actually sex, phone sex wasn't actually sex. All of them were lies I told myself to make it okay to continue. I couldn't be both people. I decided I needed to talk to Carlisle about my position at the church. I also knew that one of the best things to do once you have committed a sin was to confide in someone you trusted, to let it out.

I walked into my mom's new house and found Carlisle sitting in his office. "Do you have a minute to talk?" I asked him.

"Of course Edward, have a seat," he motioned for me to sit down across from him. "What's going on?" He asked me.

"I messed up," I told him. "With Bella," I tried to clarify. Carlisle stayed silent. Waiting for me to find the words I needed. "I love her, more than anything. I want to marry her one day, but she just turned seventeen. I compromise my values and beliefs when I am with her. I hide my guilt by justifying my actions…and I'm just lying to myself, hurting my relationship with God. Last night though….I really went too far…..sexually. It was as if I was testing my restraint. I played with the fire and I got burned. I thought I was stronger, that I could stop. I feel as if I have fallen." I looked down in my lap quickly before returning my gaze to Carlisle.

"What are you saying Edward?" He asked me.

"If Bella were older, I would marry her tomorrow, make it right to continue, but she isn't….and I just don't know how to be both people. Personally, I am in no place to lead a youth group or be an example within the church….Felix, he asked me to join him for a missions trip to Africa. I think I am going to go," I told him.

"I hope you're not running away Edward, because that would not be the answer. I know you want some answers, but what is the right answer? There is no right answer, it's just life. Bella will be heartbroken, are you sure this is what you want to do?" He asked me. I nodded yes at him. "You can't run from your guilt," he added.

"I know that. I'm not running….I just need some time. I need to figure out who I am. I lost myself. I figure, once you lose yourself, you have two choices. Find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely, because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you've been and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. I need to find that person," I told him.

"When will you leave and for how long?" He asked me.

"They leave the last week of the month….for six months." I said.

"That is a long time. We are all going to miss you; I trust that you have given this enough thought? It is a big choice, and you know you're already forgiven, you don't need to punish yourself, Jesus already shed blood for your sins."

"Carlisle, I knew better. I knew it was wrong to have sex with her just to name the biggest sin I have committed since being with her. All I want….is to be with her for the rest of my life….it's not possible right now, I need this time away, to find my grace and mercy."

Carlisle nodded at me. "I will support you, Edward. The church will support you. You will continue to be in my prayers every day."

"Thanks." I told him standing from my seat. He stood with me and hugged me closely.

"Try not to break your mother's heart when you tell her," he told me as we released.

"I'm more concerned about Bella's," I told him walking out.

I would have prayed, but I wasn't sure if the Lord was listening to me.

**Okay…he has fallen. Give it to me. Get a teaser! I Love each and every review! I love when you all write me books!! **


	30. Chapter 29 Losing My Religon

**SM owns Twilight, if I did…Jacob would have died.**

**Follow the Sandbox on Twitter…**

**Thanks to Keepingupwiththekids!! Amazing Beta that she is!**

**I am involved in MsKathy's Twifans for Haiti, and am writing a story with the help of the ladies involved with DevilishPleasures, so go donate $5 to get a shit load of stories for a great cause! And We are doing it to honor Suky who is still awaiting to come home from Haiti! Please pray for her and her daughter!**

**Chapter 29 **

**Losing My Religion**

******That's me in the corner  
That's me in the spotlight, I'm  
Losing my religion  
Trying to keep up with you  
And I don't know if I can do it  
Oh no, I've said too much  
**

**BPOV**

**Oh, life is bigger  
It's bigger than you  
And you are not me  
The lengths that I will go to  
The distance in your eyes  
Oh no, I've said too much  
I set it up**

**REM  
**

I walked home from school the day after I had dinner with everyone at Carlisle and Esme's thinking about how distant Edward had been. I had been on cloud nine after having sex with him, it wasn't even sex…as fucking corny as it sounds….it was love. All the other times I had sex couldn't even compare to the feelings I had with Edward. I couldn't help but to feel a bit insecure about it, because since then Edward has barely touched me.

I kept telling myself he just needed time. That he was just adjusting. That it was amazing and we were in love. I reminded myself over and over again that he loved me. I fidgeted with the three silver bracelets I never took off that reminded me of that fact daily.

I looked down at the ground as I walked kicking a few rocks that were along the sidewalk. I ran my hand from the front of my hair pushing it back, as I took my eyes off the ground.

I saw him waiting outside my house and I walked faster to him smiling. I wanted to run to him, kiss him, hold him, feel his body close to mine, feel him move inside me…When I reached him I was let down to say the least. I got a kiss on the cheek.

"Can we talk?" He asked me as I felt my heart sink. I swallowed hard and nodded yes, I began to lead him into my empty home.

"What's up?" I asked him trying to stay calm and act cool as I put my light jacket away.

"I'm leaving," Edward said.

"Leaving?" I asked. "What do you mean you're leaving?" I said sitting down. Edward knelt in front of me and pulled at his hair.

"I love you, please don't doubt that," Edward pleaded with me again. "I…I don't know who I am anymore. I did something and I can't take it back," Edward began. "I need some time."

"You're breaking up with me?" I asked stunned. "You're about to give me that stupid fucking it's not you it's me bullshit…. aren't you?" I asked as tears filled my eyes.

"Please listen to me…let me explain," I was too shocked to even speak, so Edward just continued. "I can't keep justifying my mistakes, I can't overlook having sex like it's not a big deal to me. It's a huge deal. It's something I promised myself and God that I would save for marriage….and I'm just going to say it….it was amazing. How can something that feels so good feel so wrong? I can't make sense of it. I just need some time to figure some things out….I can't keep up with you; I feel like I am lost. The sex that was just the slip that brought everything crashing down."

I nodded at him letting the tears fall. "Did you say I was a_ mistake_? That being with _me_ was a mistake? How could you feel that way? You are the best thing that ever happened to me, it couldn't be a mistake. _**WE**_ couldn't be a mistake!" I said to him fervently, shaking my head.

"I'm sorry Angel. You have no idea how sorry I am. I never wanted to hurt you," he said reaching up to wipe my tears and I slapped his hand away.

"You don't get to call me that anymore….you don't get to touch me or apologize to me. I've been down this road before….fucked and chucked. How sorry you are? What a joke! Do you know that the entire time we were dating I actually felt inferior to you! You're just like every other guy on the planet!" I told him through gritted teeth wiping my own tears. "I thought you wanted me?" I asked after a few seconds.

"I _**DO**_ want you." He told me.

"Then don't leave me," I resorted to begging. "We don't have to have sex, we can just I don't know….pretend it never happened," I sobbed.

"That's the problem Bella, I keep pretending, I can't keep pretending. My faith is a big part of my life and I am losing it. I don't feel worthy of anything."

"Well maybe there is a God above, but all I ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody that outdrew you." I told him, wishing I wouldn't have been so blind. Wishing that I broke up with him after dinner last night….I wouldn't have been able to do it even if I wanted to. "I'm sorry I fucked you up….I'm sorry I didn't stop you from having sex with me….I'm sorry I let you in….that I considered two nights ago the best fucking night of my life. That I actually thought I finally did something _**RIGHT**_. That what happened was magic and I never felt more loved and special, I'm so fucking sorry that I didn't fuck and chuck you _**MONTHS**_ ago! How dare you make me love you, get under my skin and then leave me!" I yelled at him through my tears. I calmed down and spoke calmer "I try to be a good person and bad things happen anyway…"

I watched as a few tears escaped his eyes. "I can't make it feel _**RIGHT**_anymore. The only thing I want is to feel right with you again. I love you, and I know that you couldn't have loved me better. I have to go….I wrote you this," he said handing me an envelope. "Not all of it is mine some of it Cummings wrote….Please read it when you are ready." I didn't make a move to take it from him, and he placed it on the table as he stood to leave. He began to walk away and it took all my will power not to run after him and beg him to stay. I wanted to grab onto his clothes and keep him with me, I wanted to fall on my knees and just grovel until he stayed. I didn't. I couldn't. I still had some dignity left. He didn't want me anymore….I wouldn't beg someone to stay that didn't want me.

I heard the front door shut and let out the painful sob that had been building in my chest. I just cried….

Then cried some more.

I cried until my mom made it home and demanded to know what was wrong. I had no desire to talk about it, I wasn't even sure I could.

As I tried to make the words come out, I sounded as if I was hyperventilating. I felt like my world was crashing down on me. I didn't even fully believe that he was gone.

"Ed-Ed-ward….bro-broke up….with-th me," I sobbed to my mom.

"What? That boy is head over heels for you Bella! Why would he break up with you?" She asked me. I wasn't about to tell her Edward left because I let him lose control. What the hell was wrong with me? Why didn't I stop him? I should have stopped him.

"Calm down Bella, breathe baby," my mom pleaded with me. I pulled myself together after a few minutes enough to speak.

"He just doesn't want me anymore….I messed up," I told her.

"What do you mean? What did you do?" She asked me.

I said the first thing that came to mind that wasn't the truth. "I cheated on him with Jasper," It was more believable then the actual truth. My mom sighed and shook her head.

"You really know how to screw up a good thing don't you?" Renee asked me coldly. I became infuriated. "What is it going to take to make you change?" She demanded.

"I guess you're right, I'm just a sinner, and so are you. So is Edward believe it or not. Who made you the judge and jury?!" I yelled at her. I stormed off to my room wanting to feel numb and only having my stash of prescription pills. I poured them out searching for the one I had always been to chicken shit to eat.

I found the white circle with the OC and the number eighty.

"What are you doing Bella?!" Renee demanded as she entered my room.

" Here's to the moments when I didn't think about right or wrong. Where I just crossed my fingers and hoped for the best, when I just lived." I told her putting the Oxycotin into my mouth and swallowing it dry.

"What are these?" Renee demanded running her hands through the pills I dumped on my bed.

"Level two narcotics Renee," I didn't give a shit if she took them, I didn't give a shit if she grounded me until I was eighteen, I just didn't fucking care. I lost the only fucking thing that mattered to me, my relationship with Edward. "Take them, I don't care!" I said pushing the pills to the floor and climbing into my bed. "Just leave me alone," I said pulling my comforter over myself. Renee bent down and began picking up my pills and placing them on my dresser.

"I'm done trying to control you, I give up! You have been so ungrateful and condescending towards me! I am done!" She said before walking out and slamming my door. I flinched slightly as the tears flooded my eyes. I waited the thirty minutes for the pill to take affect and knock me out.

That's when I started to live minute by minute. Forget one day at a time, I had trouble getting through an hour.

Jasper came over, and he just sat with me. I told him what I told Renee and even if he didn't like it, he went along with it.

"I don't know if you want to hear this or not," Jasper began. "I am going to tell you anyway…Edward called me today….to ask how you were doing," Jasper told me carefully.

"What did you tell him?" I asked.

"That he was an asshole and I wanted to kick his worship leading ass for hurting you," I smiled slightly at him. "He wanted to know if you read his letter."

I hadn't forgotten about the letter, but I didn't have the guts to open it yet either. It had been two days since he left me broken, and I had written him my own letters.

"He is leaving you know….in like eight days," Jasper continued.

"He already left, it doesn't matter how close or far away he is. He's already gone."

"Still it might help to read," Jasper trailed off. "He is going to Africa B, for like six months."

"I don't care Jasper. Please. I'm not sure I will ever read it," I told him.

"I'm here for you B, always. I just want you to heal. Closure helps."

"Jasper….what is wrong with me?" I asked him. "Why is it that every guy I have sex with leaves me? Am I really that awful? Maybe that's all I'm good for."

"Stop it B. You're talking like a crazy woman," Jasper said pulling me toward him and hugging me closely to his chest. He stroked my hair as he spoke to me. "You're an amazing girl. Boys are intimated by you. You're a tough bitch…hardcore, beautiful, and funny. Let's face it Edward maybe older, but you made him a man, whether he is ready to accept that or not."

I let Jasper hold me and comfort me. I heard Renee asking him questions when he left to use the bathroom.

"Can I speak to you for a moment Jasper?" Renee's voice carried into my room. "What's going on with you and Bella?" She asked him.

"Nothing, were just friends," I heard him tell her.

"I don't like the 'friendship' you share with her," Renee said curtly. "You're like a son to me Jasper, but you're making it really hard to be understanding."

"I'm sorry Renee, we made some huge mistakes. I love her and I am really sorry we disappointed you, hurt Edward, and ourselves. Bella is my best friend. I just want to help her while she heals," Jasper told her. I felt awful about the web of lies I was weaving.

"Strike two Jasper, you know what three means….and I mean it. If you're in her room I am home and the door is open," Renee said sternly. I heard her walk away and the bathroom door click shut. I let out a breath and thought of all I lost this week.

I lost Edward, the only thing about me my mom was proud of me for. How fucking pathetic is that? The one thing about me that made her proud of me was someone else.

**EPOV**

I boarded the plane for New York City. I was just going through the motions. I felt so lost. I longed for Bella. It didn't matter though; I couldn't be with her until I figured out where it had gone so wrong. Was it when we had sex? Was it the first time I tasted her or let her taste me? Was it our first kiss? Or did it go all the way back to the moment I laid my eyes on her?

How much of my relationship with Bella actually felt right, and how much of it did I want to believe in so desperately that I made it feel right, but it was just a lie I told myself to get me through the night.

I traced my finger along the edge of the picture I used as my screen saver on my cell phone, I was getting ready to turn it off but couldn't keep my eyes off of the beautiful creature smiling at me from my phone.

My mother was furious at me. Not for sleeping with Bella, but for what she called "Running away." Maybe I was running away, but sometimes you need to run from something in order to find it, and that is what I needed to do. I needed to find out if I could find myself, or if that version of myself vanished the moment I let the lies begin.

I tried to find out how Bella was through Jasper, but he just wanted to yell at me for breaking her heart. My mind flashed back to the conversation I had with him a few days earlier.

"_What the fuck Edward! I told you NOT to break her heart! Get over yourself! Bella is a fucking mess! She wakes up in cold sweats from nightmares, she cries all the fucking time, Renee put her on anti-depressants, I'm fucking worried about her." _

"_I love her, I do. I just don't know what is happening. I want to figure this out and find my way back to her. Please, if she would just read my letter, she would know I could never stay away from her forever," I told him pained. _

"_Edward, I fucking hope you have someone to come back to. I am seriously worried about her. Not just mentally, cause dude, she is barely hanging on. But, she is eating Oxycotin like fucking candy. I don't know who is supplying the shit to her, but she is going to end up addicted to that shit like my dad. If you love her, you will make this shit right and get back to her before I kick your worship leading ass!" _

"_Jasper I wish I could! Please, you took care of her before, please take care of her now for me…while I figure this shit out. Get her to read the letter," I pleaded with him. _

"Excuse me sir, can I get you a drink?" The flight attendant asked me pulling me from my painful memories, the painful images I had in my head of Bella suffering, and crying. My eyes were bloodshot, because I hardly ever stopped crying over leaving her.

"No, no thank you," I told her looking out the window at the small squares of land. I plugged in my iPod and turned it onto Bella's playlist. The only music I listened to anymore were her favorite songs that she saved on my iPod so she would have them available to her in my car.

_Please, God, I know I messed up, I am trying so hard to make it right, and I just can't bear the thought of Bella suffering and being sad over my mistakes. Please I will suffer forever if you can just make sure she is okay. God, I need her to be okay. _

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	31. Chapter 30 Stand in the Rain

**SM Owns Twilight**

**You all can thank Keepingupwiththekids for this! She loves you all as much as I do! Your reviews really touch me! **

**Chapter 30 **

**BPOV**

**Stand in the Rain**

She won't make a sound  
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down  
She wants to be found  
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.

Superchick

Day One

_Dear Edward, _

_Please come back. I need you. I don't know why you left. I don't understand. I feel lost. All I see is darkness. I can't find my way without you, my light. I'll be better, I'll live off holding your hand if that's all your ready to give me. _

_You left me in so much pain. Pain is like a thief in the night. Quiet. Persistent. Unfair. Will it be diminished by time?_

_I'm sorry. I need you. Please come back to me. _

_I love you,_

_Bella_

Day Five

_Edward, _

_You're such a fucking asshole. I can't believe you just fucking abandoned me. I have never felt so betrayed in my life. _

_At least when James fucked me and never spoke to me again, he never told me he loved me. You're such a pussy for leaving. _

_Bella_

Nine Days Later

It had been fourteen days since the best day of my life. It had been twelve days since the worst day of my life. If you asked me what has happened in those twelve days my only answer is that I have been in hell.

Renee has been unbearable. Telling me I brought it on myself, that I lost the best thing that ever happened to me because I didn't know how to make good decisions. I wish she were right, I wish she had the facts; that I didn't lie to everyone about why Edward left. I was too ashamed to tell them the truth.

_That I was fucked and chucked….again_

Saying that Edward fucked me just sounded so wrong. It felt like it was so much more then fucking, but that's all it could have been, because I am here and he is in Africa. If he loved me, he would be here with me.

I hated him. I loved him. I wrote letters to him telling him what an ass he was. I wrote letters to him begging him to come back to me. I never sent them. The letters helped me to get my emotions out instead of bottled inside myself. His mom called me a few times and I ignored her calls.

"Bella, get off your sorry butt you're coming to church with us," Renee told me.

"I'm done with church, with God, with being someone I obviously am no good at being. Hell has to be better than this," I told her as I shut the door to my bedroom in her face.

"_**ISABELLA MARIE SWAN**_!" She yelled at me through the door. I wasn't fazed. What could she do to me? Send me to my room? I never leave it. Forbid me from going out this weekend? I had no desire to do anything but write angry, pathetic letters I would never send. She was lucky I got up and went to school. She opened my door and took a deep breath sitting on my bed.

"I know your angry baby. Do you know the story of Job in the Bible?" She asked and I couldn't fucking believe I was going to be subject to a Bible story, and she seriously said his name as if she was referring to her job, and not Job. "God let the devil take _**EVERYTHING **_from him Bella, and he never got angry with God. He said 'You are only hurting yourself with Anger.' Bella, your anger is not going to make things better," Renee told me.

"I don't have the patience to listen to this right now," I told her never looking up to meet her eyes.

"God heals the brokenhearted. Just have a little faith," Renee said as she exited my room.

I sat on my bed letting my tears fall down and wrote my twelfth letter to Edward.

_Edward, _

_I want to say I hate you. Fuck, I want to scream that I fucking hate you. It feels wrong though. I fucking hate that it feels wrong because you have made my life hell. You showed me love and happiness, brought me Heaven on Earth, then sentenced me to Hell when you left. _

_I keep writing these stupid letters hoping each time that it will be the last. Hoping that eventually the urge to get these thoughts and feelings off my chest will dwindle down and take the pressure off my chest, even just a little, just enough so that I can breathe. _

_I keep wondering how many tears I have cried, that there can't be that many left, that eventually they will run dry. How can I stand when I am drowning?_

_I found a Bible verse….something I thought that might help me….it makes me feel close to you to read the Bible._

_"Lord, have mercy, _

_because I am in misery. _

_My eyes are weak from so much crying, _

_and my whole being is_

_tired from grief." Psalm 31:9_

_You were the one person that I trusted and you abandoned me. I should hate you. My life would be so much easier if I could just fucking hate you, for one second. _

_I hate myself for loving you. _

_Always yours, _

_Bella_

I filed the letter away with the rest, curled up and feel asleep.

"Bella…..B….wake up," I felt Jasper nudging me. I opened my eyes that felt swollen and crusty and just nasty. "Get your ass out of bed, it's time to stop wallowing and move on," Jasper said.

He had been really sweet and supportive up until now. I closed my eyes shaking my head, "I don't know if I can," I whispered. Speaking was hard. Speaking about Edward was even harder. The only words that flowed freely from my mouth were angry, mean, hurtful words.

"Bella, this isn't healthy. You need to at least start going through the motions. It's not going to feel right at first, but if you keep doing it and trying, over time it will get better." He looked me in the eyes before he spoke again, "realize now that when your heart breaks, you got to fight like hell to make sure you're still alive, because you are, and that pain you feel? That's life. The confusion and fear? That's there to remind you, that somewhere out there is something better, and that something is worth fighting for."

"So what do you think I should do Jasper? Cause I am drowning here, and I don't know how not to be like this," I responded to him in a nasty tone.

"Bella, your making it really hard on everyone to be there for you, to help you. You can't live with all this hate and anger," as the words left his mouth the tears streamed down my face. For the first time I wasn't crying because Edward left. I was crying because of the person I had become since then.

Sure, I had always been a snarky bitch, but never was I mean or hateful. I didn't like feeling this way. I let a smile fall on my lips as the tears fell down, happy that Edward wasn't the direct cause of them.

"B, you can only drown if you don't stand. It's time to stand. Everything might feel like its crashing down on you, but the world is still spinning. Your life isn't over, something great is waiting for you out there and if you don't stand it's just going to pass you by."

I nodded at him wiping away my tears. I was done crying. I was afraid that if one more tear ever slipped out again, I would drown. I was ready to do whatever it took to get my life back to normal.

"I'll go through the motions," I told Jasper standing up. It was the most I could promise. I made my way to the shower. I shaved my legs and did all the other things I had been neglecting. I got dressed and made myself look cute. I plastered on a smile, it was all so fake. Every day that passed, it felt a little less forced. The smile came a little easier. The letters to Edward though, they didn't stop.

_Edward, _

_It's been nineteen days, nineteen letters. Every day I let a little more anger go. I wish I could just let it all go. I can't. I haven't cried in one week. That is a big deal right? I go through the motions of life, I smile, I nod, I talk when I am spoken to. I still don't have much to say, but I can speak, I can speak without anger or hate being detected in my tone. Is it me? Or is it the Zoloft Renee keeps shoving down my throat? I hope it is me._

_I want to just let go. I can't. I want to say if you came home tomorrow and told me that you loved me I'd run to you with open arms. I can't. I'm not ready to forgive you, I know that is when I will be set free, and I don't think I ever want to be free from you. _

_Fuck you for making me love you, _

_Bella_

I went to move the letter with the others, in a box under my bed that contained everything that reminded me of Edward. The shirt he gave me, the bracelets, the CD, the Christmas Eve Concert program, the picture of us at his moms wedding, the ticket stubs from Kings of Leon, his house key….

I reached under the bed to feel around for the box. I grabbed a box and pulled it out to find it was the box of tampons I bought earlier in the month. I quickly found the right box and shoved the letter in as I rushed to my calendar and began to count.

I will be the first to admit I don't track my period like I should. All I knew was my last period was before Edward came home from tour. I struggled to remember if it was the end of August or beginning of September, either way, it didn't look good. Even if it was the first few days of September, I was almost a week late.

My stomach sank at the possibility. The very real possibility that I was pregnant. That Edward and I didn't use a condom. I knew I was wrong to be mad solely at him, but I was.

My hands shook and I didn't know what to do. I dialed Jaspers phone number as my fingers fumbled to hit the right keys.

"Bella baby!" Jasper greeted me excitedly.

"Jazz….I need you," I told him through a shaky voice.

"Bella? Is everything okay? What the hell happened?" Jasper asked me obviously concerned for me. I began to feel like I was watching myself shake, and tremble. I knew it was happening, but I didn't feel it. "Tell me you didn't get more of those damn pills! You didn't do something stupid did you?" I felt like I wasn't even in my own body. I couldn't even acknowledge his accusations.

"I need a favor." I told him, my voice sounding monotone and almost robotic.

"I'm almost there Bella," Jasper told me and I could hear the rumble of his car as he drove through the small town.

"Just stop at Wal-Mart for me and get a pregnancy test," I told him still sounding void of emotion. I don't think I blinked or moved my eyes from the wall. Jasper was the only one I told the truth to about why Edward left.

"Fuck B!" Jasper said.

"Please don't," I pleaded with him.

"I'll be there in like ten minutes," Jasper told me. I let the phone fall from my hands and hugged my knees to my chest just waiting for Jasper to arrive.

He could have gotten there in ten minutes, or twenty, I couldn't tell you.

"Bella?" Jasper said as he entered my room cautiously.

"Over here," I told him directing him to my spot on the floor.

"Here, I got a few different kinds…I wasn't really sure," Jasper trailed off. I nodded my head and went through the bag. I chose the Early Response test that took three minutes. I stood from the floor and began my decent to the bathroom when Jasper hugged me tightly.

"Whatever happens, I'm here it will be okay," he told me kissing my head.

I walked to the bathroom and peed on the flimsy stick, being careful to follow all the directions. I placed the stick carefully down on the bathroom counter and sat on the edge of the tub….waiting.

It only took two minutes for the two pink lines to show up on the indicator to confirm my fear, that I was pregnant.

There were no tears, I didn't have to force them back. They were just gone. Maybe I did cry them dry.

I walked back into my room, defeated. I had nothing.

"So?" Jasper asked me nervously.

I just nodded my head yes and plopped down on my bed.

"What are you going to do?" Jasper asked me. "Are you finally going to try and talk to Edward?"

"Fuck Edward," I said simply. It was the only thing I was sure of. "I don't know what to do….I guess I just need some time to think." Jasper came over and hugged me, and we just sat there in silence.

**Day Twenty-three **

It had been four days since I wrote a letter to Edward and discovered I was pregnant. I couldn't believe it was happening to me; that I would be the pregnant girl at school. I began to accept that I would do it without Edward. I don't know, maybe I was keeping it from him to spite him, either way. I wanted nothing to do with him, and his runaway ass.

I was six weeks pregnant, which seemed odd to me; apparently they begin counting from the first day of your last period. It all confused me. I was exhausted, and my boobs were tender and I felt sick to my stomach. I Googled this pregnancy crap and some pregnancy website said week six was when all the fun started….yeah cause this was fucking fun.

"How are you B?" Jasper asked me as we walked home from school.

"I guess I'm having a baby." I told him.

"Wow…I can't believe it. What are you going to tell people?" Jasper asked me.

"Nothing, that it's none of their business," I told him as we reached my house. He pulled me down on the second step of my porch and placed his arm around me.

"So when are you telling Edward?" he asked me rubbing my back.

"I'm not….like I said fuck him. He left, he didn't want me," I told him.

"Bella, you can't do this alone….I won't let you," Jasper said sternly.

"I know that you will be here for me and I love you for that," I told him with a hug.

I had no clue how to tell Renee. I wasn't sure I knew what I was doing. I just knew what I couldn't do….which was have an abortion. I couldn't kill a piece of me….a piece of Edward.

I decided to let go of as much of him as I could. I had a piece of him forever, maybe that was enough.

I sat down to do the hardest thing I ever did before. I pulled out my paper and pen to say good-bye.

Fuck prayers they were never answered anyway.

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	32. Chapter 31 grace

**SM Owns not me **

**Keepupwiththekids love you as much as I do, give her props for her mad skills! **

**I know 98% are happy Bella is pregnant and there are others not so thrilled, let me say this: This is a Canon story. Canon Bella gets knocked up. Canon Edward values his purity. There is more angst to come all canon, with a OTH twist. **

Chapter 31

BPOV

Grace

_Dear Edward, _

_You know how people say forgive and forget? Well forgive sounds good, but forget I don't think I can. They say time heals everything. I'm still waiting. I'm not ready to back down. I'm mad as hell._

_I'm going to try hard to move on, to live without you. _

_All that is left is good-bye. I remember a time when we promised never to say good-bye. _

_No longer yours, _

_Bella _

I placed the letters in order one to twenty and placed them in the infamous box. I removed the unopened letter from Edward and placed it on my bed.

I sat down to write the letter I never planned to give to Edward.

_Dear Edward, _

_Seems like just my luck that the first time I made love instead of fucked or had sex I would end up pregnant. _

_Can you believe it….here I am Bella Swan…six weeks pregnant. _

_I've only known for a few days, but am I wrong to feel slightly happy about it? About having a piece of you with me, in me….. _

_It's really the only thing keeping me relatively sane as I let you go. _

_I Love You, _

_Bella _

I put the twenty-first letter in my underwear drawer, grabbed my keys and the box and headed to Edwards house.

When I got to Edwards I was surprised to see Reverend Carlisle there.

"Bella!" He greeted me in a hug as I walked up the porch steps. "What brings you here?"

"Umm….I had some stuff….of Edwards….I didn't want to hold on to it anymore, plus I figured he would want his key back," I told him.

"Edward asked me to come take care of a few things he forgot to handle before he left," Carlisle explained. "Esme and I have missed you," he told me. "You haven't even been to church."

"I'm sorry it's nothing personal against you or Esme….I just…..it's too hard still," Carlisle nodded at me understanding.

"We all miss him. He just needs to find what he is looking for. Nothing destroys a soul faster than guilt. We all carry guilt, we can't get away from it. It's always in our minds. Just because Edward left, doesn't mean he left his guilt. There are many ways people deal with guilt. Some blame others, they tell themselves it's not that big of a deal, they deny it, Edward seems to be beating himself up for it, someone has to pay for the mistake right? Wrong. Jesus already paid for it for him….he just has to come to this on his own," he said glancing into my box. He eyed the big manila envelope I had simply written Edward on it because I had no intention for him to see it until he got home. "Do you need an address to send that too?" He asked me.

"No, I think it can wait until he gets home," I told him.

"Would what's in there bring him home sooner?" Carlisle asked me.

I shook my head no. "It's just good-bye."

"Sometimes good-bye is the push people need….let me know if you change your mind."

"Sure," I told him handing him the box. "Just leave that inside for me….his house key is in there….I don't know that he will want any of that….but I can't stand to have it linger or throw it away," I told him shoving the box toward him and walking away swiftly.

"Bella!" He called after me, and I stopped to turn to him, a bit pissed that he assumed I had the magic words to bring Edward home.

"You could tell him all that, you could remind him! Yet you want me to send the twenty letters I have written to him since he left to get him to come home?!" I yelled at him.

"Bella, I have told him all of that, the problem is where his head is at….that he doubts the power of forgiveness. He has never really experienced it before. Only he can come to terms with everything. Sometime Good-byes help people, motivate them to find those answers sooner rather than later."

I nodded at him and said, "At this point I don't care how long it takes Edward to find his answers."

"He loves you Bella, he didn't leave forever," Carlisle told me.

"Yeah, well I don't feel loved by him," I told him.

"Which hurts more, Bella; thinking you should hate him or knowing you don't?"

I looked away quickly and brushed my hair off my face angrily.

"I wish I could go back…you know? To when I was a little kid, when my biggest issue was that recess wasn't long enough and when I cried over a skinned knee. Because at least then, my knee it didn't hurt so long…it healed…unlike this hole that Edward left in my chest."

"Give him some time Bella, don't give up on him, don't give in to the urge to hate him."

"It's amazing how someone can break your heart, but you still love them with all the little pieces…I hope that answers your question about how I feel about Edward. Angry, disappointed, abandoned…never hatred." I quickly climbed into my truck and drove away.

I drove home, my tears were still missing, but dry sobs rocked my body. I figured if today was shitty as it was, I would get everything done and break the news to Renee when I got home.

I felt like I was walking the plank as I entered my house. I had no idea what Renee was going to say or how she would react. I wasn't stupid enough to let the fear of her reaction keep it a secret like those other dumb ass girls that give birth at prom and try to hide the baby.

"Mom?" I said quietly, as I approached her as she wiped down the kitchen counter. "I need to talk to you," I told her as I nervously twisted my hands.

"What's up baby?" She asked me tossing her sponge into the sink.

"Do you want to sit?" I asked her.

"Bella, really I have to run out to my women's group, can it wait till I get back?" I took a deep breath and shook internally.

As I let out my breathe I blurted it out. "I'm pregnant." I said closing my eyes, and still not one tear fell.

Renee walked toward me and sunk into the chair. "You're what?" Renee asked me stunned. "Did you say pregnant?"

I nodded my head at her and bit my lip.

"I can't believe this Bella….are you and Jasper complete morons?!" She asked me a little louder, and I barley registered that she just assumed it was his. I was going to tell her she was wrong, that it wasn't his, but she didn't stop and her voice grew angrier and louder. "Didn't you ever hear of waiting until marriage? Oh that's right you did… and _**YOU**_ couldn't handle the concept with Edward! Did you ever hear of condoms Bella!? I know you did because I took them from you….Oh God! I took them from you!"

"I'm sorry…" I told her.

"Were is Jasper? Didn't he want to face the music with you?" Renee yelled and I flinched away from her.

"It's not like that," I told her, for some reason, I let her continue to believe it was Jaspers problem.

"What are you going to do Bella? Have you thought about that? If you tell me abortion, I will disown you." Renee stated in a harsh, no nonsense tone.

"Um….I am going to keep it," I told her.

"How are you going to support it? What about college? I will help you…key word here Bella is HELP…..I just can't believe this is happening," Renee trailed off.

"I haven't really had a chance to think about all of that, I guess I can find a job," I said looking to the ground.

"Jasper he needs a job….Did you even tell him yet?" Renee asked me.

"He knows," I told her; because it wasn't a complete lie…he did know.

"How is he going to go to Duke now Bella? Now he has a family to support," I closed my eyes and promised myself I would come clean to her.

"Mom it's not Jaspers baby," I told her.

"Bella, don't try to protect him. What do I look like an idiot?!" Renee exclaimed at me.

"Of course not," I told her, too tired to fight or argue.

"I'll make you a doctor's appointment, but right now Bella, I can't deal with this," I nodded my head and retreated to my bedroom.

The next day I got up and went to school. I saw Jasper smoking on the corner and approached him hesitantly. I had sent him a text to stay away because I had broken the news to Renee.

As I got closer he put the cigarette out and said he didn't want to hurt the baby with secondhand smoke. I thanked him because that hadn't even crossed my mind, and I already felt like a failure as a mom overlooking that.

"How'd it go with Renee?" He asked me.

"About that….I might have let her believe it was your baby," I said biting my bottom lip.

"Bella, I told you I wouldn't let you do it alone," Jasper said like it was no big deal.

"I'm sorry Jasper…Just give me some time to figure this out and I'll make it right," I told him, "I promise."

"B I'm here for you and the baby. Whatever you need me to do."

"Your such an enabler…I thought this was something we fixed?" I joked with him. "I um brought this with me today," I held up the letter Edward had left with me. "I can't move on without knowing….what it says," I told him. "Sit with me while I read? And don't let me get all sad and shit, cause I am done with love."

"Done?" Jasper asked me.

"That's right, I think I'll go anti-love. Who wants butterflies in your stomach and your heart skipping beats? That can't be safe," I said attempting to lighten the mood.

Jasper nodded as I took a seat on the curb and peeled open the letter nervously, knowing I would get all sad and shit.

_Bella, _

_I need you to know, that this wasn't an easy choice for me to make. I never needed a single person more then I need you. I hope one day I can find my way back to you. I know it's unfair to ask you to wait for me, but it's my only hope. _

_I wrote this and I hope it helps you understand my feelings. _

_The sky is grey and the light is far_

_The sea is a rage within my heart_

_I turn my sight to the crashing waves_

_I cry in the night just to be saved_

_I need eyes to be my guide_

_I need a voice that's louder than mine_

_I need hope I need You _

_Cause I can't do this alone_

_Grace I call Your name_

_Oh won't Your smile fall over me_

_I'm cracked and dry on hands and knees_

_Oh sweet grace rain down on me _

_I need You grace_

_I pray for dawn a new day to live_

_I pray for mercy only Jesus gives_

_Though darkness falls and a million cry_

_I __believe over all there's a greater light shining for us _

_Come down and save me _

_I can only hope that one day you will understand and forgive me. _

_I am going to Africa, on a mission's trip. I leave on the twenty-fifth for six months; I hope that you will forgive me. I hope that I can find the answers I need. I hope that once I find those answers I will be able to find myself back in your arms. All I have left is hope that will happen one day. _

_In spite of everythingwhich breathes and moves, since Doom(with white longest handsneatening each crease)will smooth entirely our minds -before leaving my roomI turn, and(stoopingthrough the morning)kissthis pillow, dearwhere our heads lived and were._

_E.E. Cummings _

_I love you always, _

_Edward_

I was filled with too many emotions to even function. I got even madder at him. I wanted to run back to his house and take back my box of memories and my good-bye. I had too much pride to do what I really wanted to, which was tell Edward I would wait forever him.

I felt Jasper rub my back and I said, "Why can't I just hate him? I _**SHOULD**_ hate him. Why is it that all I want to do is beg him to come back?"

"You know what they say B, that the ones that you love the most usually hurt you the most. Plus, begging him to come back won't help any, you know that right?" I looked at Jasper and shook my head no. "B, he has a lot to figure out, the problems he is facing being with you need to be solved or your relationship with him will never be okay. I know it's hard, but the best thing you can do is wait," I nodded at Jasper to show him that I understood.

"I don't know what to do about the baby Jazz….It's not right for you to take responsibility for it. I can't let you do that. It also feels wrong to let everyone find out its Edwards and have the entire church burn him at the stake over it when he isn't even here to defend himself…."

"Edward made his choices, B. He slept with you, he left, he has to deal with those consequences…whatever they may be," Jasper told me.

"I have to protect him. It's like an instinct." Because I wanted nothing more than to hate him and hurt him like I was hurting, I couldn't.

"Is it true?" Alice huffed as she walked up to Jasper and me, and for the first time Jasper and I looked up at Alice from the curb. She towered over us with her hands on her hips.

"Is what true?" I asked her.

"Your mom told my mom that Jasper got you pregnant," Alice stated, anger dripping from her voice.

"I am pregnant," I told her, as Jasper and I stood.

"I can't believe you would do this to me Jasper!" Alice shouted at him with tears in her eyes and walked away.

"Alice! Alice!" Jasper called after her, but she didn't turn back.

"What the fuck is she talking about Jazz?" I asked him.

"Alice broke up with Riley….for me," Jasper told me hesitantly.

"_**WHAT**_?" I yelled at him. "When? Why didn't you tell me! Now she thinks you got me pregnant!" I tried to keep my voice down.

"B, it's okay, really. It happened like a week ago…You didn't need to hear about it with everything going on." Jasper told me.

"Yeah, well I'm not letting you fuck things up with Alice over me. Go tell her…the truth. I'll figure out how and when to tell Edward. I won't allow you to fuck up your life for me!"

"No way! You are my best friend, I'm not letting you do this by yourself," Jasper told me, and I was selfish enough to let him.

Instead of walking into the school that surely all knew I was pregnant because of Renee's big mouth with her bible study buddies, I walked home.

"MOM!" I yelled for her as I walked in the house. "I am so fucking mad at you!" I continued to yell as I walked into the kitchen to her and Carlisle.

"Bella, I would appreciate it if you could control yourself a little better, as you can see we have company," she said motioning to Carlisle.

"Hello Bella," Carlisle said to me kindly.

"I asked Reverend Carlisle to come over this morning to maybe offer some guidance about your situation," I glared at her.

"Who the hell do you think you are telling people about _**MY**_ situation?" I yelled at her.

"Bella, this effects more than just you. I don't know how to handle it anymore than you and Jasper do," Renee told me. There she goes again with Jasper.

"Jasper has nothing to do with this!" I told her again.

"Bella, come dear, have a seat. Let's talk about all this. Do you feel like talking about who this problem belongs too?," Carlisle stood from his chair and pulled one out for me. Slowly I walked over and took the chair. I couldn't be rude to Carlisle.

"It is my problem…and mine alone," I told them, fidgeting with the end of the tablecloth.

"Bella, someone needs to take responsibility for this with you! It is not just your problem. Please baby, tell me so I can help you!" Renee pleaded with me. I looked at her as a smile played at my lips.

"You know, we should really sue Disney. I mean who do they think they are? Putting thoughts in young girl's minds of white horses and Prince Charming's rescuing them. That someday every little girl will have a prince ride in and swoop her off her feet…that somehow everyone will have a happily ever after? I mean come on…it's just completely unrealistic," I said with a dry laugh.

"Isabella!" Renee exclaimed.

"Renee, if I may?" Carlisle interjected. "Bella, raising a child is hard work for happily married couples. I think what your mother is trying to make you see is that it will be to your benefit to make sure whoever the father is, is aware and held responsible. I am willing to go out on a limb and say _whoever_ he is, would be more than willing to do whatever is necessary for you and the child."

"Listen, I screwed up, I don't really care to involve anyone else." I said looking into my lap.

I peeked up at Carlisle who nodded at me in disappointment. I pleaded with my eyes for him to keep my secret. I knew whatever Edward told him, he told him in confidence, and I wasn't sure if I was in his confidence right now, or if he would keep something so huge from Edward.

"Renee, may I have a moment alone with Bella?" Carlisle asked.

"If you think you can get through to her, please do," Renee said getting to her feet. "I will just step outside."

As soon as the front door clicked shut Carlisle turned to me.

"Bella, I know for fact that child is Edwards. I am well aware of the reason he left, as is his mother. He is a son to me, and I won't keep information like this from him. Everyone will know you are pregnant within a few months, and they may believe you and assume it is Jaspers, but once Edward finds out, he won't be so gullible. I know he hurt you. _HE_ knows he hurt you. He has been very self loathing since everything happened; even more so after breaking your heart. I will not lie to him or keep things of such importance from him. He needs you to stand up, to be the loving forgiving person he has shown you throughout your relationship with him. Don't leave him out. He is only a man." Carlisle patted my back and kissed the top of my head. I nodded at him before I retreated to my room.

Forgiveness, could I forgive him for this? Could this be my chance to repay him for everything he showed me about love, understanding, and unconditional love? I wasn't sure.

I just lay in bed, unable to keep my mind from racing. I knew what I had to do.

I picked up my phone and began to dial……

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	33. Chapter 32 White Flag

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Chapter 32

White Flag

BPOV

"_Hello" _Esme answered her phone on the second ring.

"Esme…it's Bella. I hope I'm not bothering you." I told her.

"_You're never a bother Bella. What can I do for you?" _She asked me.

"I needed to know, how you get in touch with Edward," I told her.

"_I have an address for him, he has a poor internet signal so email isn't very reliable. He tries to call once a week, is everything okay dear?" _

"When do you think he will call again?" I asked her, avoiding her question.

"_He called last night sweetheart." _Esme told me.

"So if I want to talk to him I have to wait till next week?"

"_I'm afraid so. He calls around four in the afternoon, you're more than welcome to come over if you need a moment to speak to him." _She offered me.

"Thank you Esme, I do need to talk to him about something…..how is he?" I asked her cautiously.

"_He is surviving." _Esme said. _"How are you? He asks about you." _

"I guess, I'm surviving as well." I told her honestly. I ended the phone call with her and came to terms with the fact that time was quickly becoming my enemy.

I was waiting to heal, waiting for the truth to come out, I was simply stuck waiting. I promised myself to protect Edward as much as possible. I promised myself that he would know the truth before everyone else. Until then, I would just wait. I would tell people to back off, to mind their own fucking business.

Jasper kept his promise, told people it was his baby. Alice was heartbroken.

It wasn't the easiest week to say the least. People talked shit about Jasper and me all week in school.

Jane told me I was a slut, shit the whole school told me I was a slut.

I knew Carlisle knew because my mom needed someone to talk to or so she claimed. She also told me it would be unethical for Carlisle to tell anyone about what they talked about privately incase I was ashamed of what Edward or his mother would think of me. I just didn't want Edward to find out from anyone but me.

Guilt was weighing me down and I eventually came clean to Alice. It was so fucking selfish of me. Alice thanked me for telling her the truth. Her and Jasper kept things quite between them. Jasper didn't want her to get caught up in the all rumors surrounding us. She was willing to give me the time I needed to talk to Edward and sort out the entire mess. They were really great friends to put their lives on hold while I waited.

I was putting my sunglasses on as I walked out of school and I bumped into Bree, pretty much hated me, because of Jasper. She swears I 'stole' him from her.

"Sorry." I mumbled trying to walk past her.

"So I guess you found the perfect way to hold on to Jasper, to make sure he never leaves you, huh?" Bree said to me like she knew the way the world worked.

"You know what, you can't see it, but underneath my sunglasses, I'm rolling my eyes….why does the garbage man always forget the white trash?" I asked her before I pushed past her shaking my head in disgust. It was only the hundredth comment I had heard since everyone found out.

The week passed slowly to say the least. Renee had my doctor's appointment set for the day before Edward was expected to call.

"Do you think he will want to be with you again once you tell him?" Alice asked me. She was nice enough to accompany me to my first doctor's appointment. I told Renee I didn't need her to go with me.

"I'm not sure I can just welcome him back with open arms….I'm still really fucking mad at him." I told her. "I don't know what to expect from him," I told her honestly.

She waited for me in the waiting room as I was examined by the doctor. She performed an ultrasound to determine how far along I was and I got a few pictures of my tiny baby. I could hardly believe it. She measured me as seven weeks pregnant and gave me a due date of June eighth. I couldn't help but think of Edward, it was so close to his birthday.

The doctor told me she didn't need to see me again until I began my second trimester and scheduled me another appointment for a month later. I prayed Edward would be home for it. She wrote me a prescription for pre-natal vitamins and offered some advice on reducing morning sickness, stressing how important it was for me to stay properly hydrated.

I arrived home to find my mother cleaning like a mad woman.

"Bella, how was the doctors?" She asked me, shutting off the vacuum cleaner. "Did Jasper go with you?"

"Mom, please the doctors was fine." I told her handing her one of the ultrasound pictures. "As for Jasper, I told you it's not his problem."

"I don't know why you are protecting him Bella, but it's not as if you're offering an alternative here to Jasper." Renee huffed.

"I'll tell you soon, I promise. Please believe me when I say - it is _**NOT**_ Jasper."

"I just don't understand all the secrets and lies Bella, I just want to be here for you and you make it really difficult."

"I just need some time….I'm sorry." I told her retreating to my room.

Whoever came up with the term morning sickness was one lucky bitch to only feel sick in the morning. My gag reflexes were in high gear all day. I could smell the dinner my mom was cooking and instantly gagged. I tried to force myself to eat some saltines and drink some ginger ale, I just couldn't manage it.

I climbed in my bed exhausted and aching. I loved to lie on my stomach but couldn't do that either because my boobs were so tender. I only intended to rest my eyes, and to much of my surprise I woke up to my alarm the next morning at seven.

I remembered the doctor suggested eating before getting out of bed to help the morning sickness. I ate a few crackers and got up slowly. I couldn't stand the thought that I might feel this sick for weeks to come.

I read the nausea could last up until the second trimester. I had no clue how I would function gagging all day.

I survived most of the school day munching on saltines and drinking lots of ginger ale. As soon as school let out, I rushed to Esme and Carlisle's house to wait for Edwards's phone call.

Esme greeted me with a hug as I entered her new home. I smiled apprehensively at her.

"I've missed seeing you Bella." she said rubbing my arms.

"I know," I told her. I looked around and saw the picture of Edward and me. I internally cringed.

Esme and I sat in front of the cordless phone silently awaiting Edwards phone call. I jumped when it began ringing. Esme picked it up off the table and pushed talk before handing me the phone.

"I'll give you some privacy," she said getting up as I swallowed hard nodding at her.

"Thanks," I whispered as I brought the phone to my ear. I took a deep breath and tried to swallow the lump that formed in my throat.

I could hear Edward saying hello on the other end, and the sound of his voice brought my tears out of hiding.

"Edward." I choked out.

"Bella? Is that really you?" Edward asked sounding desperate and disbelieving.

"Yes, it's me." I told him, wiping my check with the back of my hand. Fuck how I missed his voice.

"I can't believe I am hearing your voice right now. I have been praying and dreaming of hearing your voice every night," Edward told me.

"Well I don't think you have been praying to hear what I'm about to tell you," I trailed off nervously.

"Tell me please.…" Edward's voice sounded defeated.

EPOV

Dear God don't let her tell me she has moved on, that she is with Jasper, that I lost her forever. I swallowed hard waiting for Bella to tell me the reason she was the one taking my weekly phone call from Africa.

"I just want you to know that I don't need you to come home, you should stay and figure out whatever it is you need to figure out if that's what you need to do. I just didn't want you to find out from someone other than me," I was thoroughly confused listening to Bella speak. "Fuck, I'll just spit it out. See, it turns out condoms prevent pregnancy and we actually forgot to take that huge precaution. I'm sitting here about seven weeks pregnant, sick to my stomach, tired as fuck, my tits are tender and enlarged, oh and a school full of kids that think Jasper knocked me up. Which is not the case. I have to tell Renee who did and soon. Then everyone will know it was you and you deserve to know." Bella finished in a rush barley stopping for a breath.

I went from confused to shocked.

"I'm sorry but, you said you're pregnant?" I asked her in disbelief. "Of course she did….I heard her," I mostly said to myself. What in the world was I going to do? I knew I had to get back home and make things right between us as soon as possible. I just had no clue how soon I could do that. "I have to figure out how to get home…Does my mom know?" I asked her, remembering she was at her house. The thoughts in my mind were all over the place. I could hardly speak. Hardly think. One thing went through my mind over and over again….Bella was pregnant.

"No, I wasn't sure what you would want," Bella said uneasily, as if I would have hung up on her and denied her.

"What are you planning Bella?" I asked her as soon as my brain began to function. "Were you planning on having the baby?" I tried to clarify.

"Yes," she told me and I was flooded with relief. "What do you want to do?" Bella asked me.

"I want to come home, I want to make things right with you….if you will have me," I clarified.

"Edward, I'm really mad at you. I have a lot of anger and hurt built up inside of me. We can talk about all that later."

"I will figure out how fast I can get home….how are you? Have you been to the doctors?" I asked her. I wanted to be there with her. I should have been there with her. If I just stayed in Indiana, I would be there for her. I would have been able to support her.

"I'm doing okay….I had an ultrasound," she began to tell me.

"Really?" I couldn't believe I missed such an important thing. "I wish I could have been there with you for that….been there to support you….I should have never left," I sighed. I was stuck in the middle of poverty-stricken Africa. There were not cars readily available to take me to the airport. I was going to have to make special arrangements to get someone out here to get me. I didn't care what I had to do to get to Bella. She needed me, I never stopped needing her. I ached for her every day.

"I have been so miserable without you," I told her.

"That's not fair. You did this. You made the choice to leave. What makes you think you have the right to feel miserable over a choice _**YOU**_made. I didn't make the choice to be without you, you left me. I had no choice. I had to deal with the holes you left. The holes that I have barely begun to stitch back together. You left me broken. You have no idea the misery you caused me. The anger and hatred I built up in myself…..Everything that you built up in me, the months I spent being a better person, feeling like my life was worth a damn, you destroyed that in a matter of seconds when you left me."

"Your right Bella, that was selfish of me…..you have every reason in the world to hate me and be angry at me." I told her.

"Hate you? God Edward! I wish I could hate you. I have tried to hate, I wrote you all these letters and not _**ONCE**_ did I ever come close to being able to put those words down on paper. I hate that you left me, I hate that I can't hate you. The hatred I feel is towards myself. I should have stopped us; I shouldn't have let you keep going."

"Stop it Bella. You don't get to blame yourself for my mistake, my lack of control. I never wanted anything more in entire life then you in that second when we connected. You didn't force me to do anything I hadn't thought about a thousand times."

"I don't want to get into all this right now….I just wanted you to know."

"I'll be home as soon as I can. There is nowhere I would rather be then there with you."

"Edward just because I am pregnant with your child, it doesn't change anything. You're not my boyfriend and I don't think this should change that…I don't want you back on a technicality. If I wasn't pregnant you wouldn't be coming home."

"Are you serious Bella? You're calling our baby a technicality? Do you realize how hard it is to become pregnant? You think the creation of a new life is a technicality? God has had that child's life mapped out long before we even knew the other existed. _**EVERYTHING**_ is in his plan. New life is never an accident," I told her.

"Right Edward, you're not the seventeen year old senior slut. You don't have to walk around pregnant. Your weren't the one abandoned. Whatever reason you left, I doubt you have resolved your guilt."

"Your right Bella, but guess what?!" I let my voice rise a little bit. "You're not the only one with consequences, what do you think the parents of the youth group are going to say about me? Do you honestly think they will welcome me back to my job with open arms?" I asked her rhetorically. "We _**BOTH**_ have consequences to deal with. I'm ready to do whatever it takes to make it right, are you?"

"I'm doing my best to do the right thing now in this moment. All I have been able to manage is living minute to minute since you left. I _**AM**_ trying to do what is right in _**THIS**_ minute for myself, for the baby, and even for you."

"You don't think being together is the best?" I asked her.

"I don't know Edward. That minute has not come yet."

"I know you think that I shouldn't still love you or tell you that, but if I didn't say it, I'd still feel it. I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder or return to where we were. I know we can't. I won't put my hands up and surrender, I will fight for you. I know I left so much mess and destruction, I will make it right."

"Your mom just came back in the room….I think she wants to talk to you." Bella said making her tone softer.

"I love you, I never stopped loving you. I told you to never doubt my love for you. Not one day has gone by since the day I meet you were I haven't loved you more than the day before."

"Here's your mom," was all she said. I heard her thank my mom and I heard my mom say goodbye to Bella.

"Edward, honey? Are you okay? I hope you don't mind that I let her take your phone call, but she seemed like she really needed to talk to you," my mom said to me.

"She did….I heard you say bye to her…she didn't stay?" I asked her.

"No sweetheart, she didn't. She looked even more upset then before," I closed my eyes and tried to take a deep breath, tried to forgive myself for not being there with her.

"Mom, I need to come home. As soon as possible. I needed to be home yesterday." I told her.

"Edward, I will help you in whatever way I can, but you have to tell me what is going on."

"Bella is pregnant," I told her. There was no way to sugarcoat it.

"Edward…I don't even know what to say. Of all the things that could happen. Of all the things that will make people jump to conclusions and judgments about your relationship with her…Dear God…Edward and Bella could really use some understanding and some mercy," my mom went into an impromptu prayer.

"Just help me get home to her please; I can't worry about what other people will think. She needs me," I begged my mother.

"Of course I will help you get home Edward."

Thank You Lord; for answering one prayer.

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	34. Chapter 33 Still Calls Me Son

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**This is one of my fave songs, one that inspired this story. John Waller may or may not have wrote it, he sings it, I don't really research well. **

Chapter 33

Still Calls Me Son

EPOV

The sun was hot, the air was dry, and I felt helpless as Felix drove me down dirt roads. I told him all about Bella, about my lack of control…my sin.

"He already forgave you, Edward. You tell kids everyday about God's grace, his mercy."

"Your right, but they didn't know better. I did," I told him.

"The Lord has not forsaken you," Felix told me taking his eyes off the road to look at me briefly. "Everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together, and look even your mistake has brought a blessing in disguise."

I took off my baseball cap and ran my fingers through my hair before placing it back on my head.

"You really think the Lord would welcome me with open arms into heaven if I died today?" I asked him.

"One hundred and ten percent positive he would," Felix told me.

I pulled out my folded up notebook and looked over a song I had been working on since I arrived in Africa.

_I drug his name through godless places_

_And I've known shame that no child of his should know_

_I've seen pain on broken faces_

_Beyond all thought of hope_

_I was just too far from home_

_Still I always wondered when I closed my eyes_

_After all I've done_

_Could he run to me?_

_Would he kiss my face?_

_Could he even look at me?_

_After where I've been_

_Should he take me back?_

_I would understand I've disgraced him_

_But it would be amazing_

_If he still calls me son_

I just didn't know where it was going until now. My epiphany hit me.

_With nothing left for me to bring him_

_I left my pride and turned my heart toward home_

_I saw my home on the horizon_

_And from a distance I saw my Father_

_Watching for his own with forgiving eyes_

_After all I'd doneHe just ran to me_

_Then he kissed my face_

_He would not let go of me_

_After where I'd been_

_He just welcomed me I don't understand _

_But he put his robe on me_

_It was so amazing_

_That he still called me son_

I knew on that long hot drive that my mistake was so much more than that. It was a lesson. It was an asset. Bella maybe young and she may have made a lot of bad choices, but she was smarter than me. She understood life better than I could have ever. The words of how deeply she understood life's curve balls were etched in her skin forever_…."You know what the trouble with real life is? There's no danger music" _

Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. There was no danger music, no flashing red lights, anything at any moment could go wrong. I was just figuring out that there is no use in holding on to those moments.

Hard moments, tough choices, and mistakes aren't there to damn you, they are there to help save you. My life has been easy, full of love, and walking the line. How was I ever going to understand God's grace, his mercy without falling down?

I had many battles to fight when I got home. I wasn't going to run or hide. I would just be honest….I am human, I am not superman, I am tempted. I was Adam, tempted by Eve, and falling just as miserably. Luckily, I had the advantage of the cross.

The most important battle was gaining Bella's trust again. Then I would worry about my job, my reputation. To be honest, my reputation meant nothing to me without Bella. My job on the other hand, I needed. I was going to have a child to support, hopefully a wife, too.

I knew Bella wasn't going to marry me while she was in high school, but that didn't mean I wouldn't support her in all the ways I should until she was ready to take that step with me.

Please Lord, let her forgive me.

BPOV

Another wave of nausea hit me as I gagged over the toilet seat. Renee made me call Charlie and tell him I was pregnant. He wasn't pleased to say the least, but I don't think he has ever been pleased with me.

She was trying to force me to move to Forks with him. Saying she couldn't handle me, that the devil must have a strong grip on my soul to be able to make someone like Edward commit such a big sin.

"I didn't know the Lord had a sin scale," I told her. "How exactly does he determine which sin weighs more?" I asked her.

"Well murder and sex are the biggest ones!" She told me.

"Oh, so if I steal, or lie, or disrespect you, God doesn't care _as much_?" I tried to clarify her logic.

"Why are you like this Bella? Why are you so argumentative about all of this? Can't you just accept it already?!" I didn't think she actually wanted me to answer any of her questions.

"Most people understand and agree with their beliefs. Maybe if I thought _**YOU**_ did, I would be able to accept it," I told her. "I'm not leaving so that you can tell all your Bible study pals you punished me to make yourself look and feel better about having child that the devil has a hold on,"

Esme had been keeping in touch with me, being extremely supportive. I had been a wreck all week. She said Edward got in a car as soon as the sun rose and headed for the airport. I felt relief, I felt anxious, I felt no hope. I still was having trouble forgetting.

It seemed like a match made in hell, Edward couldn't forgive himself, and I couldn't forget being hurt.

My phone began to ring and I slowly lifted myself off the bathroom floor to answer my call.

"Hello" I said without even looking at the caller ID.

"Bella," I heard Edward's voice on the other end of the phone. "Are you okay?" He asked me.

"I'm fine, just a bit of morning sickness," I told him.

"I'm sorry," Edward said.

"What's up?" I asked him, not interested in hashing out our problems over the phone.

"I'm in London….I just wanted to check in with you, let you know I have a flight to JFK in a few hours. I can't believe I have to get on two more airplanes and then drive two hours before I get home." Edward said to me.

"You wouldn't have to do all that if you never left," I told him.

"Bella, I figured a lot of stuff out on my way back home. I should have never have left, I know that I should not have left. I punished you for my mistake and that is wrong on so many levels. I feel like such a jerk, I know I was such a jerk. I should have stayed and talked to people; I got to Africa and talked to no one about it. I just felt sorry for myself, I didn't deal with it. I got it all out on the drive to the Johannesburg airport, and I'm so sorry it took all of this to make me see clearly. I learned a lot about myself, forgiveness, and mistakes. I also realize I was not half the person I was before."

"I can't talk about you moving forward, and your epiphany, because I am still miserable, and I am not a better person over your absence. I am worse. I am a person that is jaded, and I am going to be a mother. The last thing my baby needs is a jaded mother, who isn't able to forgive," I went off on him.

"I'll be home tomorrow night Bella…we will talk then," he sighed into the phone. I was exhausted from being pregnant, from being sick, from being sad, stressed, and full of anger.

"I want to let go….I want to more than anything, tell me how to let go? Is that a lesson you can teach me?" I asked him.

"It's something you need to come to terms with Bella. It just takes time."

"Time? I am so sick of hearing about time. I am always waiting for time," I said annoyed.

"You're mad at time?" Edward asked me with a laugh.

"It's not funny Edward," I told him laughing back.

"The first place I am coming is to you when I get home….I love you"

"I know," I told him before I hung up my cell phone.

I never felt more alone then I did this week. Once I told Edward, I gave Jasper and Alice my blessing, I told them not to worry about me, that they did enough for me, they deserved to spend some time together. They had been through a lot of shit to get where they were in their relationship. He held her hand in school, kissed her whenever he had to leave her, it hurt to watch what I had lost…what they had gained.

I went to school and dealt with the stares, the whispers, the comments. Jasper and Alice stood by me in school, but once the day was over, they were gone.

I walked the short distance back to my house. I still couldn't believe everything that happened. It was almost a year since I had meet Edward. I was completely changed, and he was completely changed. Even Jasper was changed, he was happy.

I walked into my house and heard Renee yelling on the phone. "My daughter did not corrupt Edward Cullen. She did not hold a gun to his head and make him have sex with her!" I flinched slightly. It was beginning. The judgments, the rumors, and the gossip.

"You have no idea what you are talking about. You know nothing about the relationship Edward has with my daughter. How dare you call me up looking for private information. People like you are the very reason Edward and Bella kept things between them private!" I couldn't believe my mom was sticking up for me.

"They made a mistake! Let ye who never sinned cast the first stone!" I heard her say before she slammed the phone down.

"Mom?" I said cautiously as I walked toward her.

"Yeah baby?" She said to me looking exhausted.

"Who was that?"

"Jane's mother….She is such a gossiping witch! She thinks she and her family are so above everyone….I guess Jane is saying some things to her about you," Renee told me.

"Like what?" I asked her.

"She claims you told her you were going to try to seduce Edward, use him, prove that he wasn't perfect…I told her that it seems Jane takes after her mother, always looking to start drama."

I did kind of start off with Edward like that, though I never told Jane that. I did fall in love with him, I did come to respect his beliefs and it really hurt that this is what people were going to say about me. They were going to make me out to be some conniving slut. Looking to add Edward Cullen to my list of conquests. I felt hot tears run down my face.

"Bella, don't cry! People are going to talk, all that matters is that we know the truth, _God knows _the truth," she stated firmly. I nodded and wiped my checks before Renee came and hugged me.

"Thanks Mom," I told her as I stepped out of the hug.

"I love you Bella." She told me with a small smile.

"I love you too." I told her.

"What do you feel like for dinner?" She asked me, and I felt my stomach flip upside down.

"I'm not hungry." I told her.

"Bella you have to eat…when is the last time you ate?" She seemed concerned for me.

"The last time I threw up….this morning," I told her. Renee went to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water forcing me to drink it. I had trouble swallowing down the tasteless liquid; it still made me want to gag. After a few sips I found myself running to the bathroom to throw it back up.

"Bella if you can't keep anything down you are going to get dehydrated. Maybe we should try those preggie pops or seasick bracelets…I am worried about you," my mom told me as I sunk to the bathroom floor. I nodded at her.

"I will try anything," I told her from the bathroom floor; I felt another wave of nausea hit me and I dry heaved into the toilet.

I made my way to my bed and climbed under the covers. I had a text message from Edward saying he expected to be at my house by seven o'clock. I feel asleep, because it was the only time I didn't feel sick to my stomach.

"Bella?" I heard the velvet voice waking me. I opened my eyes and saw Edward kneeling on the floor resting his elbows on my bed, his face was inches from me. He looked exhausted.

His eyes had dark rings around them, his shirt looked like it wasn't buttoned evenly, and his hair looked a bit greasy. He hadn't shaved for what looked like a week. He still looked beautiful.

"Hey," he whispered to me, with a sad smile. "Your mom called me…she said you weren't feeling too well….I picked you some things from the drug store that are suppose to help with morning sickness….some lollipop things your mom mentioned, some ginger ale. Let's see if they help, and if we can't get you to keep something down," Edward told me.

"Thanks," I told him sitting up in bed. He handed me a few saltines and opened a can of ginger ale, while handing me the ginger root supplement. I put the pill in my mouth. I took just enough ginger ale in to swallow it, after I gagged. Edward looked like he was in pain watching me struggle just to swallow a pill.

His hand rubbed my arm reassuringly and then he rested it on my still flat stomach. He looked up at me and I smiled as best I could at him. I tried my best to take small bites of the crackers, small sips of the ginger ale, whatever would help this feeling of nausea leave me.

"Do you think we can talk?" Edward asked me. "Do you feel up to talking right now?"

"I've felt like this for seven days now Edward, I am learning to live with it."

"You shouldn't have to…isn't there anything the doctor can give you to make you feel better?" Edward asked me. I shrugged.

"I don't know, I never asked," I told him. I thought this was just one of the things women had to endure during pregnancy.

"I think we should call and find out, in the morning maybe she can see you….I don't think it's normal to be as sick as you are."

"I just think it's something I have to deal with for a few weeks…I doubt there is anything she can do for me," I told him.

"It never hurts to ask Bella. We are going to ask. I won't watch you suffer for weeks like this; there has to be something they can do for you."

I swallowed back my tears, I felt so overwhelmed that he was here, next to me, touching me. I let my hand rest on his. It burned.

"You look awful," I told him. "You could have gotten yourself cleaned up before you came over."

"I just wanted to get home, wherever you are is home," I nodded at him completely understanding what it felt like to be home again. I closed my eyes and pretended I wasn't mad at him, pretended that I could forget being abandoned by him.

Lord just let me be able to forgive him.

**Review=Teaser Wasn't this a fun weekend? People are bad mouthing Edward over at Twilighted thread, link on profile, go bash with them! I will attempt to defend!**


	35. Chapter 34 By Your Side

**SM owns, not me**

**Tenth Ave North owns By Your Side, I love them, great band!**

**Keepingupwiththekids is my Beta, and she deals with my comma's that I sprinkle and slang! **

**I try not to get too preachy, but sometimes it is needed, so I hope you can handle this, but it's a vital part of the story to tell. I will be honest and tell you all I am not really into religon. I was raised in the church, but I personally do not attend church every Sunday, I don't read the Bible, BUT I do listen to these songs, I love them, I think they can be healing and uplifting. I use Rick Warren for inspiration (Hey Kellan's fave book is Purpose Driven Life!) ...and OTH....**

Chapter 34

By Your Side

EPOV

"Have you talked to you mom or Carlisle yet?" Bella asked me.

"'I have," I told her nodding my head.

"So you know what people are saying? Not only am I known as the high school slut, I got bumped up a notch, small town whore that corrupts the innocent," Bella stated looking down at our resting hands.

"That's not who you are. Carlisle said a few parents said if I returned to the church they would stop attending," I told her.

"What's going to happen then?" Bella asked me finally meeting my gaze.

"Nothing….Carlisle welcomed me back. He isn't running a church full of perfect human's who never sin, and if a few members don't agree with the forgiveness he has shown me, that the Lord has shown them, then he feels they don't belong in his congregation…He said he was proud of me, proud that I stepped back when I didn't feel like a good role model. He knows he can trust me." I thanked God I still had a job. It cost me over two thousand dollars to fly back home on such short notice, and my savings account was quickly vanishing. I was going to need my job to help Bella.

"Wow," Bella said stunned, I nodded at Bella because it felt amazing to share with her the forgiveness and mercy I was shown.

"Everybody is watching us now, waiting for us to fail or succeed. People are not going to be as understanding, they are going to show us resistance and there is going to be a lot of tension. We can be the people we have been or we can become the people we could be, we could be stuck with how it is, or we can change it to how it should be. Maybe forgiveness is right where we fell. I picked myself up, I know who I can be, I know how I should be, but I need you."

"You haven't been home at all?" Bella asked me. I shook my head no. "Well, when you get there….there is this box I left there. It's full of every memory, every picture, and your house key. Everything that made me think of you….I couldn't stand to look at it anymore. Every time I was reminded of you, my heart broke more. It's filled with letters I never had the guts to mail. Letters that are filled with anger and begging you to come back me, letters that brought me to terms with saying good-bye with letting go….with coming to terms with the fact that I lost you. That I would never love anyone half as much as you and that's just how it was going to be, that I was just going to have to learn to live with the hole you left," Bella explained sadly.

"I'm here…I'm ready to fight for you," I said begging her with my eyes. "Do you know my biggest regret?" I asked her

"Having sex with me," she answered me.

"Never….leaving you. That's my biggest regret. I didn't have sex with you, I made love to you," I told her. She looked at me with tears in her eyes.

"You know that romantic notion that all the garbage and the pain is actually really healing and beautiful and sort of poetic? It's not. It's just garbage and it's just pain. I don't feel real good…I think it's time for you to go," she said removing her hand from mine. "Time is a real bitch," she said as I came to my feet.

"I'll wait forever," I told her. I bent down and kissed the top of her head. "I'm just a phone call away, if you need me. Don't forget to call your doctor," I reminded her before I left her room.

I told Renee to call me if Bella needed anything before I left. I climbed in my car and drove away from my life.

I walked into my cold, dark, and lonely house. As I turned on the light to my living room. I saw the box sitting in the middle of the coffee table. I sat down in the middle of the couch pulling the box towards me.

I carefully examined all the contents. There was the shirt I gave her 'To Kill With Love', my CD I sent her, the picture of us from the wedding, the bracelets….then the big manila envelope that simply said Edward in Bella's bubbly handwriting.

I opened it up and pulled out all the letters Bella had told me about. My heart broke with each letter I read. I couldn't believe how much damage I had done, how much I had hurt her.

I fell asleep on the couch, with the box, dirty, smelly, and greasy.

I heard my phone ringing and woke up to sunlight. I answered the phone groggily.

"Edward!? Where are you? You were supposed to meet me before the church board meeting to discuss your return!" Carlisle spoke frantically into the phone.

I didn't mean to fall asleep on the couch.

"I'm sorry, I will be right there." I told him as I rushed to take a shower, shave, and feel more human again. I rushed out the door to get ready to explain myself to the church board, to help gain their support in allowing me back. I threw on a plaid shirt with jeans and dressed it up a little with a charcoal blazer.

I entered the boardroom and took the seat next to Carlisle that he had saved for me. I said hello to everyone and braced myself for what was sure to be coming.

"I am sure you are all aware of the issues Edward is facing, and some of the gossip that is circulating about him. I wanted us to meet so we could all remember what we need to do in this difficult time to support him," Carlisle began. "The Bible says we should not feed into gossip, I will not publicly address this situation. It is Edwards's personal business. I expect you all to do the same. Edward needs our support, not our judgment, as well as Bella Swan. Our faith is based on the forgiveness that Jesus gave us from dying on the cross; I Believe Edward has shown great growth and is in need of our forgiveness, and understanding. If anyone in the congregation disagrees, I don't think this is the right place for them to worship, because when we judge people we leave no time to love them. Are there any questions or concerns Edward and I can address?"

"I'd like to hear what Edward has to say about all of this," one of the older board members requested. I slowly rose to my feet and cleared my throat.

"I just want to start off by expressing how grateful I am to have Carlisle's understanding, and I appreciate all of you for taking the time to hear what I have to say," I began mentally preparing myself to give the speech I had practiced a dozen times in my head. "There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you have to choose your direction. I am trying to fight to stay on the right path while others are trying to tell me who I am. I am embracing my new path. Each morning I can choose to move forward or to simply give up. I am moving forward." I told the members of the church board.

"I guess we need to know where you find fault in your actions," Jane's father asked me.

"I am truly sorry I wasn't honest with everyone, more open. I understand now that keeping my relationship with Bella private was just a cowardly lie. I was afraid of the judgment that would be passed on me. I spent a lot of time justifying my mistakes, until the mistake was too big to hide behind justification," I told the room. "God has changed the way I think, to help me. I truly believe my mistakes have brought me closer to the Lord. I have come to grasp the understanding of Romans 15:7, 'Christ has accepted you,' I learned that there is no condition. It doesn't say, 'Christ will accept you if you go to church every week.' It doesn't say, 'Christ will accept you if you promise to be perfect... if you keep the Ten Commandments.' It's unconditional because it's based on God's grace not my ability to live sin free. I am not perfect, and all I can do is learn from my mistakes, help them make me a better person," I told them. I could feel my palms get sweaty and clammy. A few sweat beads were forming by my brow and I wiped them away.

"Edward, this is a big deal, you got a high school girl pregnant, a high school girl that you had a 'private' relationship with for almost a year…If it were my Janey, I'd be pressing criminal charges!" Mr. Ashford shot back at me.

"Yeah, how can we send our kids to you?" Another member asked.

"I am saying I know that was wrong to keep it private, but I do truly love her. Role models are not flawless. I think it takes a strong person to own up to thier mistakes and ask for help. I hope I can use my life lesson to show the teens in our church that it is okay to fall down, what is important is to ask for help and not to be ashamed by it. God has forgiven me, it took me a month to come to terms with that, that He doesn't hold grudges. He is not holding my sins against me." I told everyone in the room making sure I made eye contact with them.

"Edward is right, what kind of preacher would I be if I did not promote forgiveness of each other? Promote honesty and asking for help. He should not feel ashamed for not being perfect. When I received Christ into my life, all my sins were wiped out, including the ones for the rest of my life, and that's what grace is. I know some of you think when you get to Heaven that God's got a movie of your entire life of all the bad things you've done and he's going to play it for everybody to see all the secret sins you did on Earth. That would not be Heaven; that'd be Hell. Edward has been forgiven just as everyone in this room has been, because we are all in need of it. We are not going to worry about what the community thinks, we are going to focus on forgiveness," Carlisle paused and looked around the room. "Anything else?" He asked. Everyone shook their heads no. "Great Edward your job is waiting for you whenever you are ready," Carlisle said to me. "Would you like to close the meeting with a prayer, Edward?"

I bowed my head and began to speak from my heart. "Dear God, I realize that I can never be perfect enough to earn a place in Your perfect Heaven. I realize that the only way I'll get in is by Your grace. Forgive me for thinking that I could be good enough. Forgive me for my pride that thinks I can earn my way into Heaven. Thank You that You give me what I need, not what I deserve. Thank You for Your forgiveness and I ask for it today. Thank You for paying for my salvation on the cross. Thank you Father, that You can heal broken hearts. By faith, I accept Your grace today. I want You to guide my life from this day forward. In Your name I pray. Amen."

After I shook everyone's hand and thanked them for the support I told Carlisle that I wanted to play that week in church.

"I have a few new songs I want to play if they work with your sermon," I told him.

"My sermon is about grace, everything we talked about here today," he told me. I nodded at him with a smile, because all my songs were about grace and forgiveness.

"Good, then I think it will work out nicely," I told him. "I won't do it with the band, just me and my guitar, maybe the piano."

"It's good to have you back, son," Carlisle said pulling me into a hug.

"It's good to be back. I don't know how to begin to thank you for all your support and understanding."

"Did I hear Edward say he has new songs?" Emmett's voice boomed in the conference room. He walked straight to me and gave me a big hug. I smiled at him because he was the one that prayed every week that I would find inspiration. "Well, I hear congratulations are in order!" It wasn't until that moment that I realized Emmett was the first person to congratulate me. It showed how optimistic he was. He always saw the good.

"Thanks Em, that means a lot to me." I said pulling out of his hug. "I have a few songs that I wrote. I don't have enough time to teach them to the worship team, so I will just do it solo," I told him running my fingers through my hair and removing my blazer.

"That's great! Can I hear them?"

"I might have time to run through one or two for you," I told Emmett as we walked back to the Coffee House.

I picked up the spare guitar I kept there and began the song I hadn't gotten around to playing on the guitar yet. I wrote most of it on the plane ride from London to New York. I worked out the chords a few times before I added my voice.

_Why are you striving these days_

_Why are you trying to earn grace_

_Why are you crying_

_Let me lift up your face_

_Just don't turn away_

_Why are you looking for love_

_Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough_

_To where will you go child_

_Tell me where will you run_

_To where will you run_

_And I'll be by your side_

_Wherever you fall_

_In the dead of night_

_Whenever you call_

_And please don't fight_

_These hands that are holding you_

_My hands are holding you_

_Look at these hands and my side_

_They swallowed the grave on that night_

_When I drank the world's sin_

_So I could carry you in_

_And give you lifeI want to give you life_

"What do you think?" I asked Emmett.

"I think you're going back to Nashville soon to record some more!" Emmett told me excitedly.

"I'm not leaving Bella anytime soon…isn't there another option?" I asked him.

"Well, you know Joshua Campbell is from Indiana, he has recently shown some interest in you…he records in his house, maybe we can set something up."

"That is great Em, but let's allow the CD I just recorded four months ago to be circulated," I told him with a laugh.

"The only thing released so far is the single, _I Still Believe_, we only have eleven tracks, I think we should get cracking and add these new songs. How many do you have?" He asked me.

"Uh…four," I told him.

"Four in what? Like a month? Now that's what I call inspiration! I will make it happen!" Emmett assured me.

I couldn't really take the time to care, I just wanted to make things right with Bella. I knew it was getting late, and I needed to see her. I wanted to make sure she spoke to her doctor about how sick she had been feeling.

I had to do whatever it took to get her to be with me. I knew the Lord was by my side.

**Review!! I have another Chapter ready to go!! So no teasers so if I get to 2500 reviews I will post again, not hard. **

**And a TON of people just put me on alert and I want to know who sent you so I can thank them!! **


	36. Chapter 35 Whatever it Takes

**SM owns not me….SIGH**

**Keepingupwiththekids rocks, nuff said. **

Chapter 35

Whatever It Takes

BPOV

I wanted to forget what Edward did to me, move on with him. I just wasn't sure how the hell to do that. After school I made my way to the one person I knew could help me find out how to move on, Esme.

I knocked gently on her door and waited nervously for her to come to the door.

"Bella, dear! To what do I owe this pleasure?!" Esme asked me moving aside to let me inside her home.

"I needed to talk to you…if it's a good time?" I hedged.

"Of course, I am always here for you. You are like a daughter to me," I smiled at her as she led me to the kitchen table and placing a cup of hot tea in front of me. I swallowed back my gag reflex and tried to smile at her saying thanks.

"It will help, I promise," she told me. Since taking the ginger and sucking on the lollipops, I have been a bit more tolerant of food in general. "Did you get to call the doctor?" Esme asked me.

"I did, she said if the ginger and preggie pops don't help that she could prescribe me something, but she wanted to wait until I tried more natural remedies first," I explained to her.

"What did you want to talk about?" Esme asked me.

"Forgiveness…I can't forget the anger I have towards Edward," I told her. She reached out and rubbed my hand.

"Real forgiveness is not forgetting what happened. Bella, some of us have a hard time with that, I know you've heard the cliché….forgive and forget. There's only one problem with it. You can't do it. It's impossible for you to forget everything that's happened. The more painful something is, the less likely it is that you're going to forget it."

I listened to her intently. Hoping that she would tell me how to forget, there must be some trick, or secret.

"You don't really forget anything. Some Christians believe that's the ultimate of Christian maturity…forgetting. When they get to the point that they are so grown in Christ that they forget the painful things their life. They think there is going to be a point when they are so mature that they forget the things they feel guilty over, or the things that other people have done to wrong them. The truth is, they may never forget."

"Then how do I move on? How do I learn to live with it?" I asked her. I thought I had forgiven him; that I just couldn't forget.

"There's something better than forgetting, Bella. That's remembering, but seeing how God worked in it anyway. Remembering, and seeing how God brought good out of bad, how you grew in character, how it made you sensitive to the hurts and needs of other people, how it changed the direction at a crucial point in your life, how things you have today would have not happened if it hadn't been for yesterday."

"I still feel the pain," I told her. "I don't want to be angry at him. I hear his apologies, I know he is sorry, but I still feel hurt and angry. I lie to myself about how angry and hurt I actually am….I just want to move forward, and I am stuck with all this anger and pain."

"You want to know _**HOW**_ can you tell when you've genuinely forgiven Edward? You can pray for God to bless him. When you come to the point when you can actually pray, 'bless Edward Lord, even though he hurt me,' you'll know forgiveness is complete in your heart. When you can look at his hurt and not just your own. When you have genuinely forgiven Edward, you can look past the ways that he hurt you and see how he is hurting, and how that hurt is part of the reason you got hurt. _Love keeps no record of wrongs."_

"It still hurts." I told her.

"You've got to keep forgiving him. Every time you hurt, you have to go back over in your mind and say, 'I forgive him again,' I know it's hard, but you need to do it. The alternative to forgiveness is bitterness. You always hurt yourself more with bitterness. Resentment will not change the past. Resentment will not solve the problem. It is incapable of solving any problems. Resentment doesn't even make you feel better. In fact, it makes you feel worse," Esme paused. "I want to chose my next words very carefully to you…I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable…I feel it's important to say though Bella."

I nodded at her.

"You can't manufacture enough love in your life to handle all the ways you're going to be hurt. You are going to be hurt in life and you don't have enough love to overpower that on your own. You need Jesus Christ. You need His love in your life or you're going to die a bitter person. You need Him to fill you with love, not every year, but every moment of the day. The reason why people have a hard time forgiving is that they don't feel forgiven. You need Jesus to replace the hurt with peace."

"I understand what you are saying….I just….it doesn't feel right to me," I told her honestly.

"What doesn't feel right?" She asked me.

"Praying…it feels like I am talking to myself," I told her. "I feel silly, and helpless. I want to be able to fix myself."

"No one can fix themselves Bella, everyone needs help, it doesn't make you weak, you're here now asking for help.….start with thinking about Edwards pain, and move on from there."

"I will try Esme. Thank you so much for talking to me about it."

"Remember Bella, _love holds no record_." I nodded at her and she walked me to the door embracing me in a tight hug.

I drove down the flat Indiana road letting my eyes drift into the cornfields while letting Esme's words replay in my mind. I needed Jesus? Maybe I did. What would it hurt if I prayed? I could just pray and ask…If it doesn't work what will I lose?

_Fuck….._

Could I say fuck before I prayed? Was God really offended by the word fuck? I mean fuck is one magical word just by saying it can describe pleasure, pain, hate, and love. I can use it in a sentence as a verb, adverb, noun, or adjective. Fuck it, I was not giving up my word just because I decided to seriously pray for help.

_Here goes nothing…._

_I need some help…Jesus….like a lot of help….I know I haven't made the best choices or whatever….I know I should respect my mom more and not mock her, and try to abide by your rules, and you know I fucked up a lot, but you still sent me Edward. I am not completely blind, I see that as a blessing. I guess he is your tool or whatever in helping me see the light…I don't know, all I know is I need him to be happy. I can't be happy with him if I am still mad at him, and resent him. I'm asking you to help me cause you sent me this amazing man and then I lost him, and I need him back. I need the peace you have to replace my hurt…… Amen…._

I let out an exhausted sigh as I entered Winchester, turning at the Wal-Mart and passing Randolph County Hospital and The Chicken Shack. I turned at Walker Funeral home and drove the two blocks back to my house. I noticed Edwards Volvo several feet in front of me. He came right to my door and helped me out.

"Edward, I am not helpless…I can manage getting out of my truck," I told him.

"Where did you go? Did you call the doctor?" Edward asked me as he shut my truck door.

"I had a little chat with your mom, and yes I called the doctor, she said to try the natural remedies first and if I still can't keep anything down she will prescribe something for me," I told him. He took my school bag and walked with me to my door, always being a gentleman and holding the door open for me.

"Is it safe for the baby if you have to take a medication?" He asked concerned.

"The medication is safer for the baby then my dehydration. She said it's more important to keep liquids down then food, the prenatal vitamins should keep me covered. Did you know the vitamins are for me and not for the baby? She told me the baby will take whatever it needs from me, so if it needs calcium it's gonna take it from my bones and shit," I told him.

"Well I want you healthy, so take the vitamins. What did you talk to my mom about?" He asked me helping me out of my coat. Did this man think I could do nothing for myself? Don't get me wrong it was sweet and all, I just liked my independence.

"Forgiveness," I said making my way to the kitchen to grab a glass of ginger ale." Why is it that it's so much easier to forgive a stranger than someone you love?"

I took a sip as Edward began to speak.

"I read your letters….It kills me that I hurt you that way….I don't want us to forget, I want us to use this to make us stronger. I know there are millions of reasons for you not to be with me again, but if you can find one reason to stay, I'll do whatever it takes."

"I'm trying Edward. I was talking to your mom and I guess I have a lot to learn about forgiveness. She told me I needed Jesus….it was a bit odd. She said people have a hard time forgiving others because they don't know forgiveness. I don't know….I did pray for the peace she said He could give me, to replace the hurt."

Edward approached me and placed his hands on either side of my face, he looked down at me and spoke with love in his eyes.

"If we are going to make this work, you have to let me inside even though it hurts. I will turn this around; I know what is at stake. I know I have let you down. Please just give us a chance. I will keep us together. I'm lost without you, let's start over. I need you Bella."

"Let's just…take this slow," I said to him.

"I can do slow," he said leaning into me, and I felt his breathe on my face. "I just want to try one thing," he whispered to me before his lips gently meet mine. He opened his mouth against mine and swept his tongue over my lips. I gave in opening my mouth slightly allowing him access. He sucked in my top lip and then I felt his smooth tongue graze against mine. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him closer to me, in an attempt to hug him. I opened my mouth wider and pressed my body against his. Did I just tell him I wanted to take things slow? What was I thinking?! I need to be closer to him. NOW!

He pulled away and smiled down at me. I smiled back, biting my lip.

"Slow right?" He asked me

"Fuck slow," I said pulling him back down to my mouth. He laughed into my mouth and kissed me with his mouth closed. He kissed my nose, cheeks, jaw line, and forehead.

"Slow Angel." I nodded at him.

"Can I get my box back?" I asked him with a laugh into his chest. I felt naked without my bracelets.

"Let's go get it," he suggested taking my hand in his as he lead me to his car.

We began the drive out of Winchester and back down twenty-seven towards Fountain City.

"Can I ask you something?" Edward said only taking his eyes off the road for a moment to look at me.

"Sure," I said

"I know it's probably rough being pregnant in high school, but can you tell me how you feel about it….the baby? Cause I am excited, and Emmett is the only one who congratulated us…and that felt good. I know the circumstances aren't the best, they could be a lot better…"

"It's a baby!" I interrupted him, "it's a huge responsibility, it's a huge undertaking….It's scary….and it's wonderful at the same time. At first, I felt like I shouldn't show the happiness I felt about it, but how could you not be happy when you created someone with the person you love? It was like I knew I would always have a piece of you. No one has congratulated me….like it's horrible, they feel sorry for me. I don't get it….it is a good thing, It's a baby," I told him as he drove. He reached over and took my hand. I felt him squeeze it and he looked at me with a crooked smile.

"Congratulations Angel."

I smiled back at him and it hurt a little less. Maybe God was listening.

**Give me those reviews!!! Did Edward redeem himself?? I may go in Review withdrawal when this ends…**


	37. Chapter 36 Mighty To Save

**SM owns not me**

**Mighty To Save is Hillsong – not me **

**Keepingupwiththekids is my beta, she hates preps..and when I write off of. She loves when new people sign up at The Sandbox forum link on profile, and I fixed it. 500th**** person to sign up gets 2 tickets to Eclipse. **

**4 more Chapters to go**

Chapter 36

Mighty To Save

BPOV

"Mom, I am going to church with Edward," I told Renee, standing at the front door with it open.

"Bella, you should be with your family at church," Renee shot back at me.

"Edward _**IS**_ my family. I thought you would be happy I was going back to church. Isn't that what you should be focusing on?" I asked her. I just wanted to be with Edward. We were going to face whatever was in store for us together. We were going to support each other. Whatever looks, remarks, or negativity people have for us we were going to handle it together.

I was not just Bella, I was a part of Edward. We were one.

"Bella, I am your mother, I am still a part of your family!" Renee said back with anger laced in her voice.

"I didn't say you weren't mom, but Edward and I need to do what's best for our relationship, and that means we need to show our support of each other. Edward has to get up on that stage today, with all the people who are judging us there, and I need to be waiting for him. We need to show them that we aren't ashamed….even if they think we should be. So, I am going to meet Edward at his house, and we are going to face today together," I told Renee opening the storm door and walking out of house.

I didn't dress differently, I went to church in jeans, chucks, and the 'Kill With Love' t-shirt Edward gave me. I still cursed, I was still horny as fuck, but I believed God was helping me heal. I was beginning to look more deeply at the events that happened and knew it was part of some master plan. I was opening up to more ideas. I still disliked organized religion, but not all Christians are tools. In general, I thought they had some good ideas about faith that I just started to explore.

I arrived at Edwards's house and jumped out of my truck. I walked to his door and let myself in his house.

"Babe?" I called out before he came out of his bathroom. He was dressed up, and he never dressed up too much for church. He was wearing black slacks, with a button down shirt. "What the hell are you wearing?" I asked him.

"You don't like it?" He asked me.

"No, you look nice, but it's not you," I told him. I retreated to his bedroom, got his sexspenders and found a faded red t-shirt. I threw him the clothes and told him to keep the pants and loose the belt.

He changed and came back out to me. "Is this okay?" he asked me.

"Almost," I said reaching up to his too tame hair and messing it up a little. "Now you look perfect….like Edward Cullen," I told him with a warm smile.

"How is your stomach? Did you hold down your breakfast?" Edward asked me. I was surprised he had waited so long to ask me. It was normally the first thing out of his mouth.

"It's getting a better, I ate a plain bagel and a banana. I think the stuff you got me is working." I told him.

"Do you need more? I can stop to get you more."

"I'll let you know when I need more." I told him, laughing.

Edward kissed me quickly and took my hand. As we drove he held my hand. He let go of it when we got out of his car, but as he helped me out at the church, he took my hand again. We walked into the church holding hands, and we continued to hold hands as we sat in the front pew. Our hands stayed connected until it was time for him to go up on stage, by himself.

It felt good to see him up there again. I saw the looks of disapproval as we made our way through the church. I knew how hard it was for him to go up there and face them. He began to strum lightly on his guitar and the lights went low, but he didn't begin to sing like he normally did. Instead, he bowed his head and began a prayer.

"Heavenly Father, There are those here that had a very discouraging week. Some have been living with a persistent problem that has carried on and on, for days and weeks and even years and there has been no relief. Lord, they have wanted to doubt and say, 'Where are you, Lord? Don't you know?' Lord, we know You do care, and because You care, You're allowing these situations in our lives, not to break us but to make us strong. Not to destroy us, but to develop us. Lord, help us to be triumphant under trials. Make me the person You want me to be. Help me to understand it more. As much as I know how I want to live for You. Thank You for loving me, for forgiving me, for dying for me. You, Lord are mighty to save. Amen."

I knew it was his way to address all the disapproving looks. Even though Carlisle requested none of us to address the gossip, I knew that was his prayer to tell them he understood the way the Lord was working in his life….our life.

His strumming picked up and the lights changed to an orange tone. The projection screen closed in on his beautiful hands, and showed the words on the screen.

_Everyone needs compassion,_

_Love thats never failing_

_Let mercy fall on me_

_Well everyone needs forgiveness,_

_Kindness of a savior_

_The Hope of the nation_

_Savior, He can move the mountains,_

_My God is mighty to save,_

_He is mighty to save_

_Forever, author of salvation,_

_He rose and conquered the graveJesus conquered the grave_

_So take me as you find me_

_All my fears and failures_

_Fill my life again_

Everyone picked up the song quickly and sang along with him. Even I did. I wanted to show my support. I admit I felt silly at first, but that feeling was wiped away as soon as Edwards's eyes meet mine and he smiled down at me. I could feel my cheeks go red as I smiled back at him, I mouthed, "I love you," to him.

He sang the other songs he wrote since being in Africa, all about forgiveness and grace. Edward finished his songs and returned to my side taking my hand in his. We shared a smile and a little more of my hurt melted away.

Carlisle talked more about forgiveness and about judgment. He even made it a point to say "Fountain City Church is a place for imperfect people, the good, the bad, the ugly. We are all here to be filled with God's grace."

Edward walked back on stage and closed out the sermon with another song. This one was upbeat, and some people started dancing. There was no way in hell you will ever catch me dancing in church so don't even fucking think it.

Edward and I even mingled a little after church. For the most part everyone offered their congratulations to us, they seemed supportive and I was already being offered gently used baby strollers, swings, and clothes. I thanked them all for the offer, even though I was really getting excited to pick out my own new baby stuff.

It seemed as if we had escaped any negativity until Mrs. Ashford approached us.

"Well, I guess Jane was right about the two of you," she said rather smugly. "When is the wedding?" She asked us, looking at me, then Edward, then back at me again,

"Wedding?" I almost choked out.

"Well, yes, I would assume Edward would want to make this," she said motioning toward my still flat stomach, "right in the eyes of the Lord."

I could feel my anger growing and my face getting red. I began to speak but before I could Edward cut me off before I could even open my mouth.

"We really appreciate your concern in the matter, but whatever is 'the right' thing to do is between me, Bella, and the Lord," Edward told her with his devastating smile. "Bella and I were just leaving, it was nice speaking to you Mrs. Ashford," Edward told her as he took my hand and led me out the door.

"God, what a bitch!" I vented once we were in the car.

"Angel, calm down," Edward pleaded with me. I knew I shouldn't get upset over her.

"Do people expect us to get married because I am pregnant? I can't just get married…I am still in high school," I talked half to myself and half to Edward.

"I know we haven't really had time to talk about all that," Edward began.

"**WHAT**? Were you going to ask me to marry you?!" I asked him stunned.

"Not today or tomorrow or anything, but yes eventually. I want to marry you," Edward said looking at me.

"I thought we could just like live together or something after I graduated and had the baby," I told him.

"You think I will live with you in sin?" Edward asked me.

"I didn't really think of it like that," I told him. "Well, what if I'm not ready to get married?"

"Then, we will figure out what works for us until you are ready…You will be ready one day though right? You do see that happening in your future?" Edward asked me as we pulled into his driveway.

"Of course… I just always thought I would be older," I thought it be easier. I thought I could just move in with Edward, just be together. I figured the mistake was already made, what was the big deal?

"Remember we are going to go slow…we have time," Edward reminded me.

"I mean we already had sex…it's obvious," I said motioning to my stomach. "I don't see why we need a piece of paper to show people we love each other," I told him.

"I don't need a piece of paper, but I do need to declare it to God. Just because we made a mistake, does not give us to green light to keep making it Bella. I need to correct it, not keep doing it," Edward helped me out of his car and led me to his house. As he unlocked the door, he leaned down to me and whispered. "I want to keep doing it," I felt goose bumps travel up and down my arms, because I was horny before I got pregnant, now I was really fucking horny.

"We can still do other things?" I whispered back. I guess Edward decided to be a tease because he just shrugged at walked into his house.

"So tell me what is going to happen if I have the baby and we are not married?" I asked him plopping down on his couch.

"Umm….I guess you stay at your house, I stay here…you come over….I go over your house," he told me and that didn't really sound like fun…at all.

"Huh," I said simply, not really pleased with the options I had.

"I mean I was hoping to marry you before the baby came…but, I do know that is not realistic since you are still in high school," Edward told me putting his arm around me. "It will be okay Bella. We will figure it out. I don't want you to feel forced into anything."

"I just don't want to do this by myself…I kinda thought I would have you to help with like middle of the night feedings and stuff….I won't have that unless I live with you, and I can't live with you unless I marry you….I just don't see a lot of options that I like."

"Angel, you have a lot going on right now. A lot of growing up to do. In a few months you may feel differently. We have until June to figure all this out. Don't stress over it. God's plan will wrap up this mess nicely for us in the end. I promise." I nodded into his head and smiled up at him.

"I'm really, really, really horny," I told him. "Like pregnant lady hormones going wild horny," I tried to clarify.

"I might be able to help you with that," Edward said leaning into me and capturing my mouth in a kiss.

I felt his hands travel to my waist as he pulled me closer to him. His hand swept across my stomach and up my shirt, "Is this okay? I know they are tender," he said massaging them gently.

"Um, yeah it kinda hurts," I told him with a frown.

"Oh," he said frowning back at me. He moved his lips down my neck sucking and nibbling on my neck, before he gently kissed my breasts. I removed my shirt, and Edward unclasped my bra, he was becoming a pro. He began to lick and kiss my breasts lightly. He moved down to my stomach and kissed it sweetly.

He reached to undo my buttons and began to slide my pants down his pants. His hand cupped my center and he pressed against it capturing my mouth in a kiss. "Is it okay? I won't hurt the baby will I?" He whispered in my ear.

"No," I breathed out. He slid my underwear to side and began teasing my clit, rubbing it, using his fingers in a circular motion before moving two fingers inside me. I bit down on his shoulder in pleasure. His mouth moved to my breasts again and gently swirled his tongue over my nipples. I fumbled to undo his pants, I could feel his hardness throbbing against my leg.

I reached my hand down, and pulled him out pumping him up and down. "I want to taste you," I told him.

"Let me make you feel good first," he said.

"We can make each other feel good at the same time," I stood from him and slid off my underwear. "Sixty-nine," I clarified for him as I climbed on top of him. I took him in my mouth and worked my head up and down his length as he licked, nibbled, and moved his tongue in and out of me. I grabbed his balls and massaged them as I circled my tongue around the tip of his cock.

I teased him, before taking him all the way in, letting him hit the back of my throat. I felt his fingers move inside me. He began moving them harder and faster as his tongue flicked my clit. I moaned as I felt my orgasm coming, I came forcefully on Edwards face.

"I'm gonna come," Edward spoke against my clit, the vibrations causing another wave of pleasure.

I removed my mouth and began to pump; I couldn't handle swallowing with how sick I had been feeling. Edward came hard all over my hands with a loud grunt.

Edward kissed me sweetly, "I love you."

"And I love you," I said giving him a peck. "And I need to wash my hands."

I knew whatever was in store for us, it would be okay.

**Four more chappies to go!! AHHH!! Review please!!! 37 is done Review and tell me how bad you want it, Some MAJOR shit goes down in it!!!! And did you catch where I got the title for the story?**


	38. Chapter 37 We Live

**SM owns not me**

**Keepingupwiththekids she's my Beta. She was in such a rush to get the rest of the story I sent her the last 3 chapters in a 'alterted' state and she got more then she bargained for, cause I made TONS of mistakes, so sorry! Forgive me?**

**I love OTH and from here on out if you do to, I hope you like the bits I borrowed! And if you don't know what OTH is or whatever, I just hope you like it, and if you do then start watching it! **

**Edward oral sex...um...is oral sex REALLY sex?? Maybe, and maybe just maybe Edward has learned to be a little less than perfect...? **

Chapter 37

We Live

EPOV

"Don't be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble and fall, because most of the time the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you'll get everything you wish for. Maybe you'll get more than you ever could have imagined. No one knows where life will take you. The road is long, and in the end, the journey is the destination."

It felt amazing to be back to work. To be able to help the teens at youth group. I closed my message to them with a short prayer and made my way to the pool table where I had promised to play a game with a few of the teens.

It had been two months since I had gotten home. Bella was sixteen weeks pregnant, and she was really excited to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. Her belly was the cutest, sexiest belly I had ever seen. She could still wear her low-rise jeans that sat on her hips and her stomach sat above it, slightly protruding. I offered to buy her maternity clothes, but she refused. Instead she let me buy her medium shirts instead of small, and size five jeans instead of size one. I would do whatever made her happy.

"Edward, can we talk?" Tanya stopped me dead in my tracks. She crossed her arms over her chest and looked at me defiantly. I sighed loudly as I pulled out a chair and offered her the seat. "Thank you," she said as she sat down.

I ran my fingers through my hair as I prepared to talk to her. "What's going on?" I asked her as I sat down across from her.

"I'm just worried about you. What happened to you? This sixteen," I cut her off instantly.

"Seventeen," I corrected her. I wasn't going to listen to her put Bella down. It was bad enough some of the members of the church acted like she was a witch on trial once they found out about us. They acted like she was some witch that put a spell on me and forced me down a dark path. I was not about to listen to Tanya do that same thing.

"Not that it makes a difference but if you insist, this _**SEVENTEEN**_ year old girl has turned your life upside down. I just…I don't get it….I thought we were meant for each other. We make more sense," Tanya said reaching out to touch my hand. I pulled away and messed with my hair.

"It's not about what makes sense. Love doesn't make sense, it's not always perfect. It is rarely easy, and never is it black and white. Bella is more than a seventeen-year-old girl, she is smart, funny, brave, and she pushes me. She is everything I'm not, everything I need. You know, I have changed. I am different, but that isn't a bad thing. She has made me a more complete person. Love is about complementing your other half, and Tanya, you are a great friend. You are right. We are very similar in the way we were raised and in our beliefs, but you need someone that completes you. You and I both know our history was one of convenience not of love."

"You are happy?" She asked me tucking a lock of her blonde hair behind her ear.

"Tremendously."

"She is beautiful. Naturally. I hate to admit that I am jealous of girls like her. You know, girls that don't have to work so hard to look good," Tanya admitted as she flipped her hair to the other side of her head.

"You know you're a knock out. Come on you were Miss Teen Indiana, Runner up Miss America," I wanted to make her feel better. I knew she always had low self-esteem and held her appearance high on her list of priorities.

She laughed lightly. "I'm always the runner up. Always too honest for my own good. If only I could lie," she said referring to the infamous gay marriage question. She stood from her seat and I stood with her. "Good luck Edward, and congratulations," Tanya whispered as she embraced me in a hug.

I watched her walk away and started to make my way to the pool table where Emmett and some of the boys started to play without me. When I got there, Emmett handed me the pool stick, "Just in time, you are up."

I took the pool stick from him and observed the table. I lined up my shot carefully and sunk a striped ball, when I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. I handed my pool stick to Emmett and told him to take over for a second. I looked at Bella's name flashing across my screen, and pushed the green button to answer the phone.

"Excuse me," I told the boy I was playing pool with as I walked toward the empty stage to have some privacy. Bella never called me while I was working, but since she was pregnant she would call or text me asking me to grab her pickles or ice cream, last week she asked for potato chips and chocolate ice cream, and once I got it to her she crushed all the chips and sprinkled them on her ice cream. Like I said, whatever made her happy.

"Hey Angel, what's going on?" I asked her.

"Edward?" I was surprised when it wasn't Bella on the other end.

"Jasper?" I asked.

"Yeah, listen man, Renee and I are taking Bella to Randolph County Hospital," he told me, and I felt my heart sink.

"What? Why? Is she okay?" I asked a panicked. I started walking to the bar stool I left my jacket on and threw it on. I managed to make my way back to Emmett to tell him I was leaving.

"I don't know what's happening, but Bella….was bleeding….a lot. Like bright red blood all over. She was wearing a pair of shorts for bed, and blood just started dripping down her thigh…. She is really scared and worried," Jasper explained to me. I could barely breathe. I had no idea what to think. I was worried, I was scared.

"Em, I gotta go, they are talking Bella to the hospital," I told him, in a rush.

"Holy Cra.." Emmett stopped himself. "Is everything okay?" He asked.

"I don't know…I'll call you later," I told him rushing out of the church.

"Jasper, I will be there in like fifteen minutes," It was a twenty-five minute drive, but I would make it in fifteen. It was only five minutes from Bella's house, I was thankful she was so close to help. "Can I talk to Bella?" I asked him.

I heard Jasper tell Bella I wanted to talk and listened to her sniffle as she began to talk. "I'm so scared," she cried into the phone.

"Angel, it's going to be okay….you are going to be fine….the baby is going to be fine." I almost felt like I was lying to her because, I didn't know if that was true. "I love you, I am on my way," I stayed on the phone with her until she arrived at the hospital.

I silently prayed as I sped down Route 27. I went around cars whenever I could and I was so thankful there were only a few red lights along the road. I slammed on my breaks in front of the emergency room doors as I ran inside the automatic doors.

"Bella Swan?" I breathed heavily to the nurse sitting behind the desk. "I'm her boyfriend, I need to see her," I tried to stay calm.

"They just took her back, I believe she is waiting for an ultrasound….she is Four B," the nurse told me.

"Thanks," I told her jogging back toward the patient rooms. I knocked lightly on the door as I entered. I saw her sitting on the bed; her eyes were red and puffy. Her mom and Jasper were also at her bedside, but I didn't even say hello, I made my way quickly to her and hugged her head to my chest. I stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head.

"It's okay….It is going to be okay," I wasn't sure who I was trying to convince, Bella or myself.

"Bella Swan?" The nurse said entering the room.

"Yes," She said as I stepped back, I took her hand and stood next to her as the nurse asked her questions.

The nurse took her blood pressure, temperature, and other vital signs while she asked Bella about the bleeding. She wanted to know the color of the blood, the amount, if there was any pain.

"No, no pain….the blood was bright red and it dripped down my leg….I don't really know how much," Bella told her.

The nurse assured us a doctor would be in shortly and if twenty minutes is short to a doctor, then he came in shortly with the ultra sound machine. "Ms. Swan, I am Dr. Ross. I am just going to perform an ultrasound, hopefully detect what has caused your bleeding and make sure the baby is healthy. The gel maybe a little cold." Bella exposed her cute belly bump and winced a little when the cold gel was squeezed onto her stomach.

The doctor began the ultrasound and found the heartbeat. "Heartbeat is strong," he assured us as he moved the wand lower on her belly. "Did you want to know the sex? I have a good view," I looked at Bella and she smiled for the first time and nodded yes. "See this here; that is your son."

"A boy?" Bella asked. The doctor nodded at her, and I was still thankful there was a heartbeat…._**HIS**_ heartbeat. "I told you it is a boy," Bella smiled up at me while the doctor continued to move along her stomach.

"You did," I told her kissing her forehead.

"It looks like you have a placenta previa Bella. That means that the placenta is covering the opening of your cervix."

"What does that mean?" I asked him squeezing Bella's hand gently.

"Since Bella, is less than twenty weeks pregnant, it could resolve on its own before delivery, as the uterus grows the placenta could move away from the cervix. You may need additional ultrasounds to track the position of the placenta. The longer placenta previa persists, the more likely it will be present at delivery," The doctor explained. "It is most likely due to Bella's uterus not being shaped correctly."

"What if it persists?" Renee asked from her chair.

"Most likely Bella's obstetrician will schedule her for a C-Section if it doesn't resolve. One of the biggest concerns with placenta previa is the risk of severe vaginal bleeding or hemorrhaging during labor, delivery or the first few hours after delivery. This condition is very serious. No intercourse, no tampons, bed rest for the time being, which means up and down only as needed. You don't want to do anything that may cause the placenta to detach itself. I don't want to scare you or upset you further, but you need to think about your wishes."

"My wishes?" Bella asked.

"Yes, your family and doctor should know which life to try and save first if it comes to that, if you do begin to hemorrhage, once the baby is viable_**, IF **_the placenta does not move."

"Bella could die?" I asked the doctor shocked. The baby could kill Bella?

My Angel….

"It is not likely, but it is possible. Placenta previa is touch and go. I just want you to be prepared."

"I am going to go call your doctor and let her know what is going on, she may want to see you," Dr. Ross said before exiting the room.

"Mom, Jasper, can I talk to Edward alone for a minute?" Bella asked her mother.

"Sure, baby. I'm going to go get some snacks, do you want anything?" Bella shook her head no as Renee and Jasper left the room.

"Don't pick me….I don't want you to pick me. Promise me Edward," Bella pleaded to me.

"Shhh…we don't have to talk about this right now. You heard the doctor in a few weeks it may not even be an issue. Let's have some faith," I told her.

"Edward, promise me. I need to know that his life will be put before mine."

"I'm not going to agree to something like that, Bella. I won't agree to that. We don't even know it will happen, or circumstances around it….I am not going to make a promise I can't keep. You are my life."

"Life," Bella mumbled.

"What about it?" I asked her.

"I mean, it sneaks up on you. Right? One day, you look at your life, and it has purpose all of a sudden and someone that makes you feel special. It's like, all of a sudden, all that time and pain that it took to get there, it just . . . doesn't matter anymore…. If I learned one thing about God this year, it's that he has a plan, and maybe the whole point of you and me, and every single moment we've shared together has just been leading us here. Maybe you and I are meant to create _**THIS**_ life, because maybe this life is gonna change the world."

"I won't accept that we don't get a happy ending," I told her sternly.

"Don't you get it? He is the happy ending."

"Stop it, okay. I'm not going to talk to you like your dying."

"I need you to Edward. I need you to know that as a person, I was pretty lost. In the past year, I've been forced to grow up. I stopped letting sex and drugs define me and I started to believe in myself, and somewhere along the way, that lost little party girl finally grew up. All I want is to make sure you support me in making sure he has a life."

I closed my eyes and sunk into the chair next to Bella's bed. I took a few seconds before I opened my eyes and looked into hers before making my promise to her. "I promise you Bella, I will make the right choices for you and the baby _**IF**_ it even comes to that."

BPOV

A year ago, if I was lying in my bed, unable to do anything other than go to the bathroom and doctor appointments I would have had said…fuck…my…life.

I could never say that now. I had a life growing inside of me. My little dude. He kicked, and shifted, and gave me heartburn, and he gave me the patience to endure the past four weeks I had spent on bed rest.

I continued to bleed, bright red, not as heavy though. Panty liners seemed to be enough to take care of the spotting. I had gotten more ultrasounds and unfortunately the placenta had not shifted or moved, it still covered most of my cervix. The doctors were worried, Edward was worried, and I tried my best not to act worried.

I would say Edward has been amazing to us, but really, he was only amazing to me. He got anything and everything I needed, helped me keep up on my school work, so I could graduate on time. Ever since that day in the hospital, he had distanced himself from my once cute belly. He barely touched it. He has yet to feel the baby move inside of me. He wouldn't even discuss baby names with me.

Edward walked into my room with the glass of chocolate milk that I requested and a strangled smile on his face.

"Babe, did you see the baby name book?" I asked him. "You didn't tell me if you liked any of the names I mentioned? We could name him after the awesome Bob Marley, ya know Marley…no? Marley Cullen…that is pretty gay. Cash? Like Johnny Cash…Cash Cullen…certainly cooler then Marley. Presley Cullen? I like the idea of a musical icon. What do you think?"

"Whatever you like." He told me, lying across the end of my bed on his stomach.

"Um..Jackson? Hendrix? Dylan? Tupac?" I tried to get a laugh out of him, with the last one.

"I didn't really look to be honest."

"Why are you acting like this?" I asked him.

"I'm scared of losing you. Bella, this is hard for me. I can't even think about losing you. It's hard to think that this isn't getting better," He told me.

"You can't talk like that. Look at everything we have overcome. We are going to beat this, we are going to get through this…..So, yeah, maybe something does happen to me, you are going to be okay." Edward shook his head at me and got off the bed, he began to pace around my room. "You can raise this baby on your own just like your mom did."

He stopped and looked at me, he looked so angry. "How am I supposed to feel about the baby that took you away from me?" He asked me.

"Are you kidding me? I don't worry about that for one second, because you are _**NOT**_ that person! You will never be on your own. You have your mom, Carlisle, Rose, Emmett, God even Jasper and Alice would help….and I will haunt your ass if you ever have sex again," I said with a small laugh.

"How can you joke about this?" He asked me climbing in bed with me.

"Because I am scared," I told him as I wiped away a few tears.

"Edward come feel this," I told him placing my hand over the bulge in my stomach.

"Come feel what?" He asked me.

"Your son silly…he keeps moving all over…come feel it….Please?" Edward sat up and hesitantly put his hand over my stomach.

"You feel that?" I asked him. He nodded, I couldn't read any emotion on his face.

"It's okay for you to love this baby, it doesn't mean that you don't love me," I told him looking down at his hand as he pulled it away. "I'm not going anywhere. I am ready to fight, to do whatever I need to do to make sure you don't have to lose me. Please have some faith. God gave us the danger music this time; we know we might not have the time other people have, please let's make the best of it. Let's live." I pleaded with him.

He nodded at me.

"Did you see that cross on the side of Route 27 in Lynn?" I asked him.

"Yeah, where that young guy died?" He clarified.

"Ah huh, that one…. How could his mother have ever known that morning when he left it would be the last time she would ever see him again? With life, we never know when it's going to come to an end, so we live, and we never give up. We are thankful for today. Isn't that what people say? That today is a gift because it is the _present_?"

"It is," He said pulling me closer to him.

"Then let's embrace it, take it one day at time. I want to enjoy being pregnant. I just want to live one day at a time," I told him.

"Marry me Bella," Edward said grabbing my face between his hands.

I felt my eyes go wide, "What?" I asked. "I don't…" Edward didn't let me finish.

"I realize that none of the great days in my life matter without you. You're the one I want next to me when my dreams come true and you're the one I want next to me if they don't. As long as I have you... nothing else matters. Over the past year I've learned so much about life and love, and even if I could, I wouldn't take back all the bad stuff that's happened between us, cause it brought us here, to this moment. Marry me, Bella. I don't want to waste another day not attached to you."

"What will people think about how young I am?" I asked him.

"You're serious? Whoever says that you are too young, I say, hell you can drive at sixteen, go to war at eighteen, you can drink at twenty-one…..so, how old do you have to be before your love is real? What is age to us Bella? What has age ever been to us? Stop thinking about what other people will think, and tell me what do _**YOU**_ want?"

"I want to love you forever," I told him, letting myself smile as his lips crashed into mine. We laughed against each other's lips.

"Edward Cullen, we've been through so much together, and despite how confused I've been or lost I might have gotten, you were always finding me, saving me. You deserve to be adored. So, that's what we're gonna do. The baby and I are going to adore you for years to come. I am so terribly in love with you, and I always will be. Yes Edward, I will marry you!"

**So….REALLY wanna know what you think/feel…Tell me!!! Pretty Please? I will try to send teasers**


	39. Chapter 38 Never Gonna Be Alone

**SM Owns I don't**

**This chapter is brought to you today by, Keepingupwiththekids. **

**There is a story that was brought to my attention and it's called Lead us not into Temptation, and by the summary it seems like almost the complete replica of this story…It is a one shot, it's in an anonymous challenge so I don't know who the author is, but I did say something, because the once I read the one shot in it's entirety. In the story very bad Bella gets sent to Bible boarding school and she tries to seduce prudeward, turns out Edward isn't so much a prude…and so I suggested maybe the author re-word the summary so it didn't seem like such a copy cat. **

**I can do a sequel if people want, you have to let me know though ONCE I post the Epi. I have a name for a sequel **_**Look Before You Fall**_**, it should be obvious what/who the story will focus on by the time this story is complete. **

Chapter 38 Never Gonna Be Alone

_Oh, you've gotta live every single day_

_Like it's the only one, what if tomorrow never comes?_

_Don't let it slip away, could be our only one_

_You know it's only just begun, every single day_

_Maybe our only one, what if tomorrow never comes?_

_Tomorrow never comes_

_Time is going by so much faster than I_

_And I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you_

_You're never gonna be alone from this moment on_

_If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall_

_When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on_

_We're gonna see the world out, _

_I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone_

Nickelback

**BPOV**

I sat staring at the shiny diamond that sat on my left ring finger. I, Bella Swan, was engaged….to Edward Cullen. I let a small smile creep onto my face as I twirled the round antique ring on my finger.

I was thirty-four weeks pregnant and my wedding day was less than one week. May fifteenth was the date set. My placenta hadn't moved, and I was allowed to do minimal activity each day. I was able to take my GED, and as long as I didn't start bleeding heavily on my wedding day, my doctor gave me the green light to walk down the aisle.

It wasn't going to be big, just Carlisle, me, and Edward in my back yard. Jasper, Alice, Rose, Em, his mom, and my mom were going to be the only guests.

Charlie was refusing to come. I couldn't let it bother me; I had to worry about my new family, my life, my son's life.

I can't help but to be scared, but I would gladly die in the place of someone I love.

"Bella," Edward's voice pulled me away from my thoughts. I looked up and smiled at him.

"Hey babe," I said from my spot on the couch. I think it has become permanently glued to the couch by my ever-growing ass. Edward approached and sat next to me. He leaned over and kissed my belly.

"Hey baby," he whispered against my skin. Edward had been taking my stuff to his place a little at a time. He refused to give me any details on what he had done in the baby's room, and I know he did a lot.

He gave me his credit card and set me up on Babies R Us. He said I could order whatever I wanted _**EXCEPT**_ furniture and crib bedding. He swore I would love it, and I trusted him.

"How is my Angel?" Edward asked me, placing a kiss on my head.

"Bored," I said with an exaggerated sigh. "It's hard work shopping all day." I told him.

"What did you get for our little dude?" He asked me while rubbing my big belly. I pulled up my shopping cart on the computer at Babies R Us and showed Edward the cute baby clothes, car seat, stroller, bouncy seat, and other baby gear I picked out.

"I hope I didn't spend too much," I told him, I felt kind of odd spending his money.

"What's mine is yours," he told me kissing my neck.

"Slow down! I don't need you starting something we can't finish," I laughed at him.

"Figures….I would be the guy that tortures himself over sex, and I won't be able to share it with my wife on my wedding night," Edward said pulling away from me.

"It does….I mean, the doctor has my c-section set for May eighteenth, and then what I have six weeks to wait to heal," I laughed at his luck.

"Yup," Edward said with a pretend frown.

"Shit, it sucks to be you!" I laughed at him.

**Saturday, May Fifteenth**

I stood in front of the long mirror in my bedroom inspecting my appearance. My dress was strapless, white chiffon with a black satin bow that sat above my belly. I curled my hair loosely and put only the top half of my hair up with some pins.

I had a bouquet of flowers that were all white flowers with a few black accents. My mom gave me dainty black and white pearls that hung individually from a silver chain, with matching earrings. She said it was something that all women should own.

I couldn't wait to move into Edward's. I had always felt more at home there.

I heard a gently knock on my door and turned to see Jasper entering cautiously.

"Jazz!" I exclaimed as I walked towards him. "Okay, what do you think?" I asked him about how I looked.

"I think you and your eight month old sidekick look beautiful," he whispered to me as he hugged me closely.

"Thanks, Jasper," I told him stepping back.

"Edward sent me actually. He wanted to make sure you weren't on your feet too much or running around like a crazy women…You are feeling okay, right?" Jasper asked looking me sternly in the eyes.

"Yeah, I feel fine," I told him. "Tell Edward to calm down," I laughed.

"Are you scared?" He asked me seriously.

"I'm scared I'm gonna miss it all. My life with Edward and the baby, and my friends and my family, and you."

"It's not fair," he told me sadly, I offered him a weak smile and shrugged.

"Life's not fair. Then I think of how lucky I am to have found the rare love Edward and I share, the friendship you and I have, and I kinda feel sorry for everyone else."

"I'm scared," Jasper told me.

"Don't be. I am ready for whatever is going to happen. Everything will work out the way it should." I told Jasper, trying to be brave. I only hoped that what was meant to be was a happy ending.

Butterflies swirled in my stomach as I stood at the end of the makeshift aisle with Renee, getting ready to walk toward my future, Edward.

"Ready baby?" Renee asked me with an assuring squeeze.

_One foot in front of the other, Bella. You can do this. He is waiting for you_.

I nodded at my mom and put my best foot forward. Renee handed me off to Edward with a hug and I smiled at him as tears rimmed my eyes.

"You look beautiful," Edward whispered to me. We turned to face Carlisle who knew we wanted to keep things short, sweet, and simple.

"God, for the joy of this occasion we thank you. For the significance of this wedding day, we thank you. For this important moment in an ever-growing relationship, we thank you. For your presence here and now and for your presence at all times, we thank you. In Christ's Holy Name. Amen. Edward and Bella, have prepared some things to say to each other, Edward," Carlisle prompted Edward to go first.

Edward looked at me lovingly before speaking, "Bella, I've loved you since the first time I saw you. I want to be your moon, so I can shine on you in your darkest hours, and this ring and these words are just simply a way to show the rest of the world what has been in my heart for as long as I've known you. I love you, Isabella Swan. I always have and I always will." Edward told me slipping the ring on my finger. He brushed a tear from my cheek as I readied myself to speak.

"Edward, never in a million years did I think I'd find someone so utterly and completely perfect, someone who'd make me happier than I ever dreamed I could be, someone that would touch my life so profoundly and just give me a whole new reason to breathe...But then I found you, and realized that everything I anticipated you'd be, it doesn't even compare to what you are. I promise to love you always," I told him. I was lost in his eyes, they were my forever.

Carlisle began to speak again, "_Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails....And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love. _Edward and Bella, I believe all these things about your love. Now that Edward and Bella have given themselves to each other by the promises they have exchanged, I pronounce them husband and wife, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen." Carlisle smiled at us both making us wait an ungodly second before he said, "Edward, you may kiss the bride."

Edward cradled my face in his palms and I watched a tear slip down his face as he smiled at me. Slowly he brought his face to mine, as our lips meet I never felt more whole. My big belly was pressed against him as I struggled to get closer to him wrapping my arms around his waist.

He pulled away all too quickly and kissed me quickly several times, inbetween each kiss telling me how much he loved me.

So this is happiness…

EPOV

I helped my beautiful bride out of my car and walked with her toward my house, our house.

"Are you ready?" I asked her as I swung the door open. She nodded at me with a huge smile on her face. I swept her up bridal style and walked her over the threshold.

"EDWARD!" She yelled at me as I put her down.

"What?" I asked giving her my innocent smile.

"I'm big as a house! You can't go picking me up!" She said letting the pitch of her voice go high.

"I would hardly say a hundred and thirty pounds is big as a house," I told her. "Come see the baby's room before I make you get in bed for the next three days," I led her back to the room my mom, Emmett, Rose, and I worked on whenever we could.

We painted the walls a light beige and Rose stenciled blue and darker brown stars on the walls. The theme was Little Rock Star, and the bedding was light blue and different shades of browns. There were guitars, stars, and stripes.

My mom got us an extremely comfortable swivel glider chair. Bella immediately sat down in it and began to rock gently.

"This is amazing," she said in awe looking around the room. The things she ordered had arrived the day before but I hadn't had a chance to put it away, so it sat in the boxes I lined up against the wall. "Really, Edward, it is perfect. You did great," Bella got up slowly from the chair and came to embrace me. I hugged her back, and placed a kiss on her nose. "Thank you," she told me.

"No Thank you…You are amazing," I told her brushing my thumb over her check. "Go get changed Mrs. Cullen," I said as we walked out of the room. We walked across the hall and into our room, for the first time.

"It really is amazing to be carrying life. To feel someone move inside of me…it has to be a miracle…Help me," Bella asked as she turned her back to me so I could unzip her dress. I moved her hair to the side, laid a gentle kiss on her shoulder as I found the zipper, and began to pull it down slowly.

"Oww!" Bella hissed out, and I stopped moving the zipper immediately afraid I hurt her.

"What? Are you okay? Did I hurt you?" I asked her as I moved to the front of her. She was practically doubled over in pain. "Bella!? Are you okay?" She looked up at me and all the color drained from her face as she collapsed in my arms.

"_**BELLA**_!" I yelled as I broke her fall to the ground. I stood with her quickly in my arms; I could see that she was breathing, even though her breaths were shallow and slow. I placed her in the Volvo and shut the door running to the driver's side. I peeled out of my driveway and drove as fast as I could. I looked over at my Angel as I wiped the tears from my face and reached to feel for a pulse on her neck. I could feel her heart racing and when I pulled my arm away I noticed the red smudge my fingers left on her white neck. It wasn't until that moment that I looked at my hands and saw the blood covering them. I let out a sob as drove even faster toward the hospital.

"Don't you leave me Bella, you promised me!" I said loudly to my wife as she floated in and out of consciousness. "Oh, God…please let them be okay…please, dear God." I prayed over and over until I reached the emergency room entrance.

I ran over to Bella and pulled her out, blood stained her white dress; as I carried her in panic over took me.

"Somebody please help!" I called. Nurses and doctors rushed over and motioned for me to place her on a gurney that sat empty in the hallway.

"How far along is she?" The one doctor asked me.

"Um…she is thirty-five weeks…she was going to have a c-section in a few days. She has placenta previa," I told them as they assessed her. They hooked her up to machines and said her blood pressure was very low. I reached out and touched her exposed arm; I couldn't believe how cold she felt.

One of the nurses handed me a paper explaining that Bella needed an emergency c-section, and that I needed to sign a consent form.

"If we have to choose which one to save, who is the priority?" The nurse asked me. I looked at her dumbfounded.

"The baby," I struggled to say. "She wanted his life put first…she made me promise," I could barely believe those words left my lips. I felt like it was my entire fault. If I just had the self-control to stop, she would never have gotten pregnant. She wouldn't be bleeding to death in front of me.

"We will do whatever we can to save them both," the nurse assured me. "Is there anyone we can call for you?"

I gave her Renee's phone number, knowing Renee would call my mom, and everyone else that would want to know. She led me to a bathroom, handed me some scrubs, and told me to wash up. As I scrubbed the blood off my hands, I watched the water run down, stained pink it made me scrub harder. I didn't even feel like I was in my own body. Everything felt surreal. Once I was cleaned up, I walked stoically out of the bathroom and to the nurse that awaited me.

She led me to an observation room where I watched. I watched the two most important lives in my life, hang in the balance.

Renee arrived within minutes. "Edward, oh my god is she okay?" she asked me in a panic. She moved closer to the window that looked over the surgeons and nurses working on Bella. Renee let out a loud gasp as she took in the sight of her daughter bleeding out. She moved back away from the window that I wouldn't let my eyes move away from.

"They are going to save her right?" Renee asked sinking into a chair.

"Bella…she wanted them to save the baby first," I said numbly, as they put a curtain up.

"Yeah, but she is not able to tell them that, you told them to save her first right?"

"No," I said closing my eyes; I felt a tear run down my cheek. "I kept my promise to my wife. She would hate me if she woke up without him."

I could tell Renee was mad about my choice. All every mother wanted was to protect her child. I couldn't fault her for doing exactly what Bella wanted to do for our son.

All I could do was pray.

**Review I will Tease you, come chat over at Twilighted!! **


	40. Chapter 39 Hold My Heart

**SM Owns, not me. Hold My Heart is owned by 10th**** Ave. North - AND I couldn't have written this ending without OTH. **

**Keepingupwiththekids beta'd. She had some computer issues to deal with which slightly delayed this. **

**The moment you all have been waiting for! GAH!! Did I Kill her? I'll never tell! Man up and read, one of the best things about reading or watching a movie is the suspense, the build up, I hope I captured that and you don't cheat yourself from that by reading the last page first so to speak! JUST READ, then REVIEW!!! **

Chapter 39

Hold My Heart

EPOV

I stood in the observation room, waiting. My mom, Renee, and Jasper all joined me in the room. "I can't believe this is happening," Renee kept repeating as she was shaking her head. As much as I wanted to agree with her, I couldn't. We knew this could happen, we just prayed it wouldn't. If I knew one thing about the way God answered prayers, it doesn't always turn out the way you think it should. I tried to remember everything that happened was for the greater good of His plan.

Carlisle stepped in for a few minutes and prayed with me. Jasper was there reassuring Renee and me that Bella would be okay. "If anyone can survive Bella can, she will. She is a fighter," Jasper told us.

I felt numb, as I watched the blood spill on the floor. Jasper was able to donate blood for Bella, since he was a Universal donor, O negative. This made him feel as if he was helping. They had my son out within minutes, but they could not control her bleeding.

_God, did I just say that…my son?_

"Mr. Cullen?" A nurse said pulling my eyes from Bella's bloody body.

"Yes," I said turning to look at her.

"Your son is doing well. He is five pounds eight ounces and he is breathing on his own. He scored an eight on his Apgar test, which is very high. If he continues to progress, he will be able to go home in a couple of days," she finished.

"My wife, how is she?" I asked her, bringing my eyes back to the operating room.

"The doctor is doing everything he can to control the bleeding. He may have to perform a hysterectomy, if he can't control the bleeding. She has lost a great amount of blood. The doctor will be in to speak to you as soon as she is stable. Would you like to come see your son?" I wanted to see him more than anything, but I couldn't leave without knowing Bella was okay.

"I can't leave Bella," I told her.

"She is in good hands, Mr. Cullen. The doctor will come get you as soon as she is out of surgery."

"If things don't go smoothly, if the doctor doesn't stabilize her, if I'm not here…I have to be here," The nurse nodded at me sadly. "Mom, can you go see him?" I asked her. I knew Renee and I were not going to leave Bella.

"If that is where you need me, I will go to him," she said hugging me tightly.

My mom followed the nurse out of the room and I stood close to the glass, the only thing I could do that could possibly help Bella was pray. My prayers were far from eloquent and beautifully worded. They were frantic, repetitive, and pleading. I was not to proud to beg for Bella's life.

_Please don't take her, please let her live. I can't do this alone. Please God. _

After what seemed like a lifetime, I watched the doctor close her and remove the blood that stained her body.

She was alive. I let out a deep sigh as I waited for the doctor to come tell me what to expect about her recovery. I saw him approach me as he removed his scrub hat. He extended his arm and introduced himself.

"Mr. Cullen, I am Dr. Harper. Your wife lost a significant amount of blood," he said getting right to business. I nodded with him to let him know I understood what he was telling me. "I was able to find the source of blood loss and stop it before a hysterectomy was needed. Although, her organs were deprived of oxygen, and we won't know how much damage, if any, was done. We won't know until she wakes up, so now we just have to wait."

"When will she wake up?" I asked relieved.

"That is hard to say, you should be prepared for the small chance she may not wake up. She is in what we consider hypolemia shock. We have to watch carefully for complications such as, respiratory distress, sepsis, and kidney failure, just to name a few. All we can do is wait and watch, for the best possible outcome."

_The best? What does that mean? What is the best outcome?_

"What is the best outcome?" I said rubbing my hands roughly over my face.

"A full recovery," Dr. Harper told me, and I felt a little better. There was chance that Bella could have a full recovery. Thank God.

"Can I see her?"

"She is going to be in recovery for another hour or so, and then she will be moved to ICU. Go meet your son," Dr. Harper suggested shaking my hand.

"Thank you, Dr. Harper," I said. I don't know how much more waiting I could handle.

I made my way to the nursery and saw my mom holding my son. "Mom," I spoke quietly as I entered the room.

"Edward, he is beautiful," she told me handing me the tiny baby swaddled tightly in a blue blanket. I brought his little body close to me as I took in all his features. He wore a blue hat and I pushed it back to see if he had any hair. There was a thin layer of light brown hair underneath, I had never seen anything so perfect before.

Everything on his little body was miniature. His fists were clutched tightly by his face as he scrunched up his features before yawning and letting out a small cry.

"Shhh, it's okay," I said softly as I bounced him gently up and down.

"Here," my mom said handing me a small bottle. "The nurse said he might get hungry soon and left a few bottles. Why don't you give him his first feeding, daddy?" My mom said giving me a warm smile.

I brought the bottle to his trembling lips and he moved his head frantically trying to get the nipple just right in his mouth. When he finally settled in on it, I smiled at him.

My smile quickly fell into a frown as I thought of Bella.

"What is it dear?" My mom asked me.

"Bella, she um wanted to breastfeed," I said watching our son drink from a bottle.

"She still can when she recovers," my mom said. It was a good attempt to make me feel better, just not good enough.

_If she recovers….. _

I didn't say it; instead I smiled at her, letting her believe her words comforted me.

I brought Baby Boy Cullen home from the hospital two days later. Bella still hadn't gained continuousness. I couldn't name him without Bella. I wouldn't name him without Bella. We just called him Cullen.

I woke up and feed him every two to three hours, and change his diapers. Rose had been my lifesaver that week. She taught me how to change diapers, and the importance of putting the onesies one before the pants, she told me the reason behind those silly mitts was to keep him from scratching his perfect little face. She kept me from microwaving his bottle to warm it up, she even put away all the clothes Bella and I didn't have a chance to sort through yet.

I rocked back and forth on my feet, as I stood in my kitchen waiting for Cullen's bottle to warm. I felt lost, like I was making things up as I went along. I felt like I was a fish out of water, just floundering around when I tried to take care of him. The only time I felt like I could breathe easily was when he slept.

He let out a loud cry and I saw the tears begin to form in his eyes, and it broke my heart.

"Hey now, it's okay. Daddy's got you, just another minute," I tried to soothe him. "I know… you're a hungry little dude, huh?" I said as I tested the bottle on my wrist.

"Edward?" I heard Rosalie call out as my front door shut.

"We are in here Rose," I told her, as he gobbled down the bottle like he hadn't been feed in days.

"Don't forget to burp him, Edward. Every two ounces or so, last time he spit up all over me after you left," she complained as she walked over and said hello to the baby in a completely different tone.

"How's my handsome boy?" She cooed to him stroking his cheek.

"I try to burp him, but he flips out every time I take the bottle from him," I explained to her, as I brought him up to my shoulder and tried to burp him. "He never burps for me," I told her as he began to wail over my shoulder. I patted his back a few times trying to get a burp out of him.

"Give him here," Rose demanded. I handed him over gently as she placed him on her shoulder, "There, there, handsome," she cooed as she gave him three gentle pats to his back resulting in a loud burp. "See, you just have to hit the right spot."

"Am I ever going to get the hang of this? Bella would know the right spot to hit," I felt defeated as I sunk into my couch, running my hands through my hair.

"You are doing fine, Edward. Everyone is here for you, to help you. Whatever you need."

"What I need is for Bella to wake up, to be okay."

"Go, she is waiting for you to wake up," Rose told me. I walked over and kissed my son goodbye, and said thanks to Rose.

When I was home with Cullen, Renee was the hospital with Bella. Bella was only in the ICU for twenty-four hours and then they transferred her to the maternity floor so I was able to bring Cullen in to visit with her too.

He slept the best in her arms, listening to her heartbeat. I made sure he made it into her arms every day. After an hour or so, Rose, my mom, or Renee would come and take him.

I sat with Bella, every second of every day that I was able. Jasper came by every day, he would bring me food, because he knew the only reason I ever left was for Cullen. It had been four days that Bella lay unmoving, that my prayers remained unanswered. I began to write my prayers down, my pleading.

_How long must I pray to you? How long must I wait for You? How long 'til I see Your face shining through? I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me, Father will You turn to me? One life, that's all I am Right now. I can barely stand, if You're everything You say You are would You come close and hold my heart? I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes. So much can slip away before I say goodbye._

Jasper walked in and placed a bag of food from the Mexican place in town. I looked up at him as he pulled the other chair closer to me.

"Thanks," I told him putting my written prayer to the side and digging into the food.

"How is she?" Jasper asked.

"No change," I told him biting into my burrito.

"And how are you?"

"I am trying not to drown. Taking things one day at a time, just doing what Bella wanted, taking care of our son the best I can," I told him. "When do you leave for Duke?" I asked him, wanting to focus on something other than the fact that my wife might not wake up.

"End of August, Alice and I are getting an apartment together. My dad is paying for it," Jasper explained.

"That's great. So, your dad is doing better then?"

"Thanks to you he is. Thanks to Bella I am going to live out my dream, and play basketball at Duke. She was the only one to believe in me, to have faith in me; she gave me hope every day. It just doesn't seem fair," he stated. "Fuck," he sighed.

"I feel the same way, man." I told him. It was so painful to watch Bella lying helpless in that hospital bed. I wondered if she could hear me talking to her, if she felt trapped inside herself. I feared she was screaming at us all in her head, I prayed that she was at least in a peaceful state of mind. I only ate a few bites; I didn't have much of an appetite. I stared at Bella, watched her chest rise with each breathe, her fingers would move, and her eyes would flutter every so often. I kissed her forehead at least ten times each time I sat with her.

"Every once in a while, people step up. They rise above themselves, and you did that for me," Jasper spoke after a few silent minutes. "You surprised me. Bella would fall short and you would step up for her. Life, it can push you pretty hard, but you two really showed me, that if you look close enough, you can find hope. You can overcome, and falling short isn't always the worst thing in the world. She will overcome this, I can feel it….she has to…"

Jasper sat with me the rest of the night in silence. I was pretty sure he was praying for her to wake up as hard as I was, and just as desperate.

The next day Bella still hadn't woken up, I was getting scared…I was losing faith. I didn't understand why I was stuck in limbo for so long. I felt like the Lord was torturing me. Taunting me, let her live or let her die? Almost like he was playing roulette with her life. I just wanted the waiting to be over. I began talking to her. "I'm here Bella. I'm waiting for you. We are all waiting for, because you promised us. You know who else will be here when you wake up? Our beautiful son. You should see him. He's amazing, Bella, but he needs you. So do I. Come on. You promised. You promised." I spoke to her holding her hand. I bent down and kissed her forehead lightly. "You know, I'm in a little…I'm in a little over my head here. I took him home and I'm doing what I can, but he needs his Mom. I need his Mom. He doesn't even have a name. We were supposed to do that together. I can't do this without you. I'm just afraid that I'm gonna lose you and it's just gonna be the two of us, and he doesn't even have a name…." I spoke to her desperately. I felt tears well up in my eyes as I begged her to come back to us. I closed my eyes and leaned forward, looking at the floor and feeling ignored, abandoned.

Please God….

"You promised me….You promised…." I spoke softly into my hands.

"Gabe," I heard Bella's husky voice speak. I looked up at her quickly, shocked, elated, my pleas were heard. "His name is Gabriel Cash Cullen," I was never happier to hear her speak. I sat up closer to her immediately and smiled. She turned her head slowly toward me, I brushed some of her hair back and kissed her lips tenderly.

"Gabriel? Like the angel?" I asked her, reminding myself about how Gabriel is God's messenger. It seemed to fit perfectly. Gabriel was the angel that foretold the birth of John and Jesus. I smiled, and I knew I couldn't have picked a better name. He was our message from God. He was our saving grace.

"Where is he? Is he okay?" Bella asked me.

"He is perfect. I'll call Rose and have her bring him right over. He loves sleeping with you."

"Really? He is okay? He knows me?" She asked, tears filling her eyes.

"Of course he does. I bring him every day," I told her as I pressed the call button to tell the nurse that Bella was awake.

Thank You Jesus.

_**PHEW! **_**Okay…Only the Epi is left. Give it to me!! I mean I could send out a piece of the Epi…**


	41. Epilogue

**SM owns, not me**

**Flyleaf owns Again**

**Keepingwiththekids beta'd this. I hope it is good, cause I struggled with it. **

**Epilogue **

**Again**

**BPOV **

Perfect. I sat staring down at pure perfection. I watched as my little dude latched onto my breast as I stroked his head lovingly. "Babe," I tried to quietly call for Edward, there he was, my Prince Charming, there was no white horse, only a stupid shiny Volvo, it was perfect.

"Can you take him please and put him in his crib?" I asked my husband, who without hesitation took Gabe from my arms. "Thanks."

Edward returned baby free and pulled me into his arms, "Why don't you go take a nap? Get some rest?" Edward suggested.

"Rest? I had plenty of rest in the hospital, I don't want to miss a moment with you, sleep can wait," I told him.

"I was so scared Bella," Edward said taking my head in his hands. "There are things between my hands right now that I can't live without. That whole thing was so hard…and I am so amazed by you still. You reminded me that the most perfect act of love is sacrifice. And you showed me that, with your unwavering will to sacrifice your life for our sons and I will never stop being grateful that you had that strength, that you taught me that. You saved me Bella."

"No, we save each other," I told him nuzzling into his chest.

**Seven Days Later**

"Esme, thank you," I said as I watched Esme hold her grandson.

"For what dear?" She asked me.

"For the way you raised Edward and the man you taught him how to be."

"You're welcome, but I was just being a mom, you'll see," She told me with a smile.

"I just hope I don't screw him up, you know? I hope I can do for him what you did for Edward. I want him to be just like his father."

There was nothing I wanted more than for him to be a kind, loving, compassionate, and respectful man some day.

"You will be a great mother Bella. It's all about _how_ you love someone." Esme said with a warm smile.

"Thanks to Edward, I think I know now."

**Five Weeks Later**

I checked Gabe's baby bag ten times. I pumped enough breast milk to last a week. I had quadruple checked everything to make sure Renee would have everything Gabe could possibly need, but I still was on the brink of tears. I was a mess. It wasn't that I didn't trust Renee with him, I just didn't want to be away from him.

What if he cried? I wouldn't be the one to get him.

"Are you ready?" Edward asked me. I nodded looking into the baby bag, fumbling around in it, afraid to look up at Edward. I wasn't ready. I was terrified. Edward's hand came to rest on mine making me still. "It's going to be alright."

I looked up at him as the tears sprung from my eyes. "I really want to go out and be with you, but I don't know that I can do it. I don't want to leave him." Edward wiped my tears and pulled me into a hug.

"It's only a few hours, he will be fine. We can call and check in every five minutes if it will make you feel better," Edward comforted me. I nodded into his head.

I told Renee everything at least three times. It took almost an hour just walk out the door. I forced myself to walk out the door without him. I was quite for the first ten minutes of the drive. Trying to come to terms with my first outing without Gabe, the voice of reason came to me, it would be fine. Gabe would be okay, he wouldn't forget me. I needed some time too.

"Okay," I said breaking the silence, "where are you taking me?" I asked Edward.

"Home," he said with a wink and his devastating lopsided smile.

"Perfect," I said resting my hand on Edward's thigh. I began to move my hand higher on his leg, until I reached the promised land. Edward was becoming immune to hand jobs, when I went down on him it took him longer. I didn't mind. I loved the way he felt and the taste of him in my mouth. There has been lots of foreplay the last few weeks, but no sex. The doctor said to wait at least six weeks, but if I felt up to it before then that was fine, however, Edward's been stubborn, wanting to wait the full six weeks.

Edward led me to the front door, trying to keep his lips off mine. When we reached the front door, he pushed my back against the door as he struggled to open it. I wrapped my legs around his waist as he carried me to our bed. He set me down gently on the bed tracing his hands up and down my sides before he gripped my shirt and pulled it over my head.

His hand moved down the center of my breasts and down my stomach, followed by his tongue. I sat up on my knees and helped rid him of his shirt. I moved my hands down his arms slowly before I removed my bra for him. He reached for my breast and caressed it gently. Edward's hand traveled further down as he unbuttoned my jeans, he pushed them off my hips placing his hand inside my underwear. I fell back in pleasure, and wiggled out of my jeans.

Edward removed his hand and kneeled in front of me. I watched him undo his pants, and his hardness tent against his underwear. I reached for his hips pulling his underwear down and releasing his cock. I swirled my finger around the head of his dick.

Edward's mouth quickly found mine, he kissed me urgently. Using one hand, he pulled my panties off. His mouth moved down my jaw and over to my ear before he whispered, "I'm ready to make love to my wife." I wrapped my arms around his neck as he entered me. "Heaven," he gasped once he was inside me. He held me close for several seconds just enjoying the feel of being inside. My fingernails dug into his shoulder blades as he gently moved in and out of me.

He looked at me lovingly, and sweetly caressed my hair and face. I moved my legs, and wrapped them around his waist, his thrust began to get harder. The sweat from his brow dripped down as he held me as close to him as possible. He told me over and over how much he loved me and how beautiful I was. Our bodies intertwined, pleasure, love, and pure perfection. I pulled him closely and came with him wave after wave of ecstasy engulfing us.

"Amazing," I said breathlessly, lying across his chest. I let my fingers dance across his chest, swirling circles and invisible designs.

"Astounding," Edward said back with a smirk.

"Do we have time to go again?" I asked moving my fingers to his dick. It only took a few strokes before it came back to life. "I'll do all the work," I said throwing my leg over his hip and straddling him. Edward's hands found my hips as I sunk down his length. He squeezed my hips, his thumbs digging into my hipbone. He guided me up and down his length as I rode him.

"You feel indescribable," Edward breathed heavily. I pulled Edward up so he was sitting and continued to move against him.

"Ever think about taking me from behind?" I whispered in his ear.

"Get on your hands and knees," Edward ordered me. I giggled at his sexual command and happily complied. I felt him come up behind me. Placing his hands falling on my ass, massaging it gently as he centered himself. "Ready?" He asked before he thrust into me.

"Oh god!" I moaned in pleasure. He pushed and pulled my hips back and forth against him. I was a bit surprised when I felt him slap my ass cheek. "I'm not god," Edward said, "Say my name Bella, who is making you feel this good?" He asked me pulling me back toward him. I grunted in response, I felt his hand wrap around my hair and he pulled me back further, "Who Bella? Answer me."

"You are, Edward."

"That's right, I only want to hear my name fall from your lips," he grunted releasing my hair.

"I'm going to come," I said my walls tightening around him.

"Mmmmhhmmm, Bella," Edward moaned holding my hips in place. I felt him pull out, instantly feeling empty. "Come to the shower with me," Edward said helping me off our bed.

"Renee said Gabe could stay overnight…do you want to go get him or do this the rest of the night?" Edward asked helping me into the shower.

"I want to do this the rest of the night, and the rest of my life," I said as Edward tilted my hair back and underneath the cascading water.

"Good, cause I have a few more positions I want to try," he told me inserting his fingers inside me.

"I'm yours. Forever."

Oh, Lord, what was I thinking? Could I do this? I bit my lip in my anxious state as I handed Edward my first attempt at song writing. His eyebrows knitted together as he read the words. I had no idea how nerve wrecking it could be to share your words with others.

I sat at the bar in the Coffee House, while the nursery staffed watched Gabe for us. It was great that the church had daycare all week. Free daycare for all employees at that! It made it so much easier for me to start taking college courses at Ivy Tech Community College. Edward and I normally got home at the same time, except on the one night he had youth group. Those nights, I stopped by the Coffee House on my way home from school to get Gabe and eat a quick dinner with Edward. I don't know why today of all days, I chose to share with him the song I wrote.

"Well!" I said impatiently, begging him to put me out of my misery. "It's not good, is it?" I asked.

"Are you kidding? You are kidding right?" He asked me. "This is awesome."

"You're not just saying? You don't have to spare my feelings if you think it sucks," I said crossing my arms.

"Can I buy it from you?" He asked.

"You want to buy it from me?" I asked confused.

"Yeah, it's so good, I would buy it so I could record it," he said wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me closer to him, "So…Can...You?" He asked again placing a kiss on my nose when he finished.

".Ridiculous. It's yours if you want it," I told him. "It will just cost you hot, dirty, sex."

"Mmmm…sounds like a deal," Edward said kissing me deeply. His tongue was dominate and needy. I could kiss this man forever.

"Stop!" I exaggerated. "What if someone comes in?" I asked.

"And what? Catches me kissing my wife?" Edward retorted kissing me again.

"I'm serious!" I said pushing him away.

_No sex in church, no sex in church, no sex in church! _I repeated to myself over and over again.

"How do you imagine the melody?" Edward asked running his hands through his hair, obviously disappointed I didn't let things progress.

"Uh…You want me to like sing it?" Was he fucking kidding me?

No he wasn't because he began to lead me to the stage, with his guitar. I still swooned when he played the guitar…ah…those fingers. Just thinking of that made my panties a little wet, damn him!

He patted the end of the stage next to him encouraging me to sit next to him. I jumped up and scooted as close to him as I could get.

"I guess I was hearing it in my head like this," I quietly cleared my throat, "don't laugh if I suck. I don't sing," I warned him.

"Sing already," he goateed me on.

I closed my eyes, and began to sing.

Please don't let him runaway scared from my singing.

"I love the way that your heart breaks; with every injustice and deadly fate; praying it all be new; And living like it all depends on you." I sang the first verse best I could.

"You can sing? Why did you act like you couldn't carry a tune? That sounded good to me!" Edward said. I rolled my eyes.

"Shut up," I said pushing his arm. "You promised not to tease."

Edward just laughed, "I wasn't kidding," he said before he brought his attention to the guitar and began humming to himself.

"I think I've got it, sing the first verse again, after like two measures," he said.

"Two what?" I asked because I don't do music.

"Measures…I'm gonna play this," Edward said strumming, "start to sing in the beginning of the third measure, and I think I know how to do the chorus, so just follow my lead into that," he explained.

"Okay," I said. I began the first verse again, to Edwards flawless playing. I swear he was born to make music; it came so easily to him. I went through the first verse again before Edward picked up the tempo for the chorus.

"Here you are down on your knees again; trying to find air to breathe again; and only surrender will help you now; I love you please see and believe again," I surprised myself when I belted it out.

"Ready for the next verse?" Edward said over his strumming.

"Love that you're never satisfied; with face value wisdom and happy lies; you take what they say and go back and cry; you're so close to me that you nearly died."

"Okay, now repeat the chorus again, then we will go into the bridge and just add two more 'be still's' at the end, okay?" I nodded at him before I continued singing.

"They don't have to understand you; be still; wait and know I understand you; be still; be still."

"Chorus two more times, then I will end it."

I nodded at him understanding, and finished the song.

Edward smiled at me and I felt my cheeks go red. "Record it with me?" He asked.

"I'll never sing it in front of people Edward."

"Fine, don't. That doesn't mean you can't record it with me."

"I'll think about it."

"Good," Edward said kissing the side of my head. I felt his phone begin to vibrate against our touching legs, and I was a bit annoyed to have our moment interrupted.

Edward pulled his phone out, glanced at the number and told me it was Emmett before he answered. "Em, what's up?" He asked. "Are you kidding me?...You're not pulling my leg?...You're dead serious…I can't believe it…Yeah, it's amazing...Well, then congrats to you too man!...Okay…talk to you later." Edward said clicking his phone shut. I hated one-sided conversations.

"What was that about?"

"Uh…I guess I can start with Rose and Emmett are expecting, and I was just nominated for New Artist of the Year at the Annual Dove awards, _AND_ they want me to perform," Edward smiled ear to ear as he told me.

"Holy shit!" I said. "That's awesome babe!" I told him hugging him closely, practically jumping in his lap.

"I couldn't have done it without you, my inspiration…everything. The songs I wrote would have never come into existence without you," he told me bringing me onto his lap. I threaded my fingers in his hair and kissed him, savoring the way he nipped on my bottom lip, and the way his tongue moved in and out of my mouth sensually.

Edward won that award, and went on to win many others.

**Four Years Later **

**August**

I don't know how I did it. No, that isn't true, I knew exactly how I did it. I did it with the grace of God and the support of Edward. I somehow managed to finish college, in four years and be a mother.

I was so thankful it was summer. That meant Jasper was home. I watched him and Gabe shot hoops out my kitchen window. Gabe loved it. I watched Jasper pick him up so he could make a slam dunk, "Way to go little dude!" Jasper yelled and giving him a high five.

I knew Jasper would go on to do great things. Jasper and Alice got married two years ago when they got a little surprise of their own. Jasper just got signed to the Pacers. I was thrilled, it meant they wouldn't be far. Jasper was an amazing father. He was really protective with his little girl and dead set on keeping boys like him away from his precious Charlotte, who we lovingly called Lola.

Emmett and Rose had a baby girl, Naomi, ten months after Gabe was born. They were inseparable. We liked to talk about the possibility of them falling in love some day.

Alice had just found out she was expecting again. Alice had been working on her own clothing line, she was a talented designer, and blessed to have Jasper able to take care of her while she struggled to become known.

"Hey Angel," Edward said coming up behind me and rubbing my very swollen belly.

"Hey," I sighed back letting my head fall back on his chest. He moved his lips to my neck and sucked gently.

"You ready to go?" he whispered.

"I've been ready," I told him with a smile. Today was the big day. My scheduled C-Section. Jasper and Alice were going to watch Gabe for us. I had just finished my last semester of college and couldn't wait to begin to work as a drug and alcohol counselor. I was going to take twelve weeks with the baby then start looking for a job.

Edward was scared something would happen like it did before. It wasn't easy for us trying to have another baby.

Edward and I walked outside to say bye to Gabe. "Mommy!" He called for me flashing me his father's trademark smile.

I crouched down to hug him closely before we left. "Mommy and Daddy have to go now, it's time for the doctors to take your baby sister out of my belly," I said kissing his cheek. "Be good for Jazz and Alice, okay? They will bring you to see the baby and me very soon. Love you."

"Otay," he said as I let him go. Edward quickly scooped him up and blew raspberries on his tummy.

"See you soon buddy, be good, love you lots," Edward said placing him down on the ground.

"No, I love you lots!" Gabe said back. Edward ruffled his bronze hair, took my hand and helped me into the car. I smiled back at Gabe, Edward's little mini me.

"Thanks Guys!" I called out to Jasper and Alice as they waved us off.

This C-Section was much smoother then the last. Edward held my hand, kissed my forehead while the doctors worked to deliver our baby.

"It's a girl!" The doctor said holding her up for us to see. She let out her first cry as the nurses cleaned her off. "Congratulations!" The staff told us. "twenty-one inches seven pounds and, eleven ounces. Do you guys have a name?" The nurse asked.

"No…not yet, I think Edward is going to have the honor of naming her," I said as I watched them place her in Edward's arms.

"Really?" he asked, because I had been a bit difficult trying to figure out a good name for her. We couldn't seem to find common ground other than her middle name being Grace.

"Yeah, you will figure out the perfect name," I said stroking and staring in her perfect little face.

"I love you, thank you so much," Edward said pecking my lips.

"Ditto," I smiled at him.

Edward went and informed everyone and they all came to meet our little girl. Before they all arrived, I wanted to know if Edward settled on a name.

"Did you decide on a name yet?" I asked Edward as I held our new daughter.

"Yeah, I think I did," he smiled at me. "Zoe, it means life."

"I like that, Zoe Grace Cullen."

**Twelve Years Later. **

**EPOV**

Where did everything go wrong? Bella and I did our best. We raised our children and taught them all the valuable lessons about love, respect, and instilled values in them. Zoe was like an angel; the biggest daddy's girl I ever saw. Things were going amazing for us. I was happy I could support my family with my music. I thought everything was perfect. I knew Gabe was a bit rebellious, but I figured it was just a stage. I didn't understand where it went so wrong for him. Sixteen years ago, I never would have thought I would be in the position I was in today.

"Gabe," I called out to my son who sat in his room music blaring and oblivious to my presence. "GABE!" I called louder. Still nothing. I maneuvered around his room. He was so much like me, yet so different. He had a passion for music, the ladies loved him, but he didn't handle the affection they showed toward him in the way I would have hoped. I knew he was a player, I tried to discourage it, but the more I did the more girls he seemed to string along. I also didn't fail to notice they were all daughters of preachers or pastors. He was with Evie for a while. Her father was our Pastor, and a close friend of mine. I thought he was beginning to change his ways until he abruptly broke up with her and started seeing Naomi. I turned down his music and cleared my throat, this got his attention.

"Hey! I was listening to that!" He said annoyed.

"And I said we needed to talk."

"Whatever," he shrugged.

"I just had a long talk with Pastor Peter," I began.

"And," Gabe said like it shouldn't matter to him.

"And why don't you tell me what happened between you and his daughter Evie?"

"I told you, it didn't work out," he shrugged.

"Did you sleep with her?" I cut right to the chase.

"So," Gabe said.

"You are having sex? How long have you been having sex?" I yelled. "I thought I raised you better then that!"

"You and mom didn't wait! You guys had sex; it's not that big of a deal!"

"You had sex with her, then you dumped her, you broke her heart and you don't even care, and that isn't even half of my problem with it! Are you ignoring her phone calls?" I asked because I was fuming and trying really hard not to strangle him.

Stay calm....

"I have nothing to say to her anymore," Gabe said flatly.

"Well she has something to say to you!" I yelled at him. I took a few breaths to steady myself. "Your mother…you are a lot like her when she was your age," I said shaking my head. "How would you feel to know someone treated her the way you are treating Evie, or what if someone treated Zoe this way? I didn't raise you like this. I am disappointed you are treating someone with so little respect."

"I thought we were just having fun, I didn't mean to lead her on. I thought she knew it didn't mean that much to me," Gabe said, and by the tone of his voice, I could tell he still didn't care.

"You told her you _LOVED_ her Gabe! What did you expect she would think!?"

"I'll call her, I'll apologize." Gabe said thinking his solution would appease me.

"You will do more than just apologize to her," I began.

"No, I won't do more than that! I don't owe her anymore than that, you know I am with Naomi now and I really like her! I'm not going to break up with her for Evie just because I slept with her!"

"Ah, Naomi, I don't think Rose and Emmett are going to want you seeing their daughter once they find out about Evie," I told him shaking my head in disappointment.

"No one has to tell them!" He argued with me.

"Oh, I think they are going to find out once Evie pops out your kid in nine months!" I watched the color drain from his face. "So, you will call her, you will do more than apologize to her, you will be available to support her, you will do what is right. And if Rose and Emmett tell you to stay away from their daughter, you will. You will start acting like a grown up since you chose to live your life as if you were one."

"How are you so sure it's my kid?" He asked me pushing the hair from his eyes.

"Give me a break Gabe. Don't for one second think you can pull the wool over my eyes. Peter is a good friend of mine, and I can't believe you did this, you will do what is right!" I said. "From here on out, you will go straight to school, and you will come straight home. Say good-bye to basketball, and to your band. You are going to find a job because you have adult responsibilities. Your car is to be used to go to school and to work, nothing more. And if by God's grace Rose lets her daughter within ten feet of you, you can resume a relationship with her in one month, and only on group dates. Am I clear?"

"Yes sir," Gabe said looking down.

I walked out quickly. I wasn't sure how Bella would handle this news. I thought Bella and I did a good job of instilling the value of waiting until marriage to have sex. We talked to the kids about sex and set dating rules, and we figured fifteen was a good age to let them start having group dates; but at this rate Zoe would never be able to date.

"God damn it!" I heard Gabe say.

"I heard that!" I yelled as I kept walking.

"Daddy, what's the matter?" Zoe asked me as I walked in the kitchen.

"Nothing Zoe," I said smoothing her copper hair. She was painting her nails with Jacey Hale, the two were attached at the hip. Always talking about boys, and I always cringed at the mention of Zoe and boys. She was beautiful. Bella's big brown eyes, high cheekbones, and her mother's build, I knew she'd be a heartbreaker.

"Don't you have homework or something?" I asked opening the fridge.

"No, daddy we finished it." She said flashing me a bright smile. I watched her bite down on her lower lip as she concentrated on painting her pinky finger.

"Are you wearing makeup?" I asked.

"Just a little," she said.

"You don't need it," I told her before I kissed her head and headed for my music studio. I loved having one in the house. It relaxed me to be able to play.

As I was walking through the hallway to get to the studio in the basement I noticed Gabe trudging down the steps in his leather jacket and ripped jeans. "Where do you think you are going?" I asked him.

"To talk to Evie, I thought I was told to go talk to Evie." Where the heck did he get this attitude?

_Only one place, his mother. _

I waved him off, "Be back by dinner, I know your mother is going to want a word or two with you," I said.

*~*~*

"What are we gonna do with him Bella?"

"I don't know babe." Bella said with a sigh as I held her in my arms. "I guess we just need to be there for him…Jasper said he talked to him." I wasn't surprised. Jasper was always a big part of his life, even while he was at Duke. Gabe was the ring bearer at his big wedding to Alice. He taught Gabe everything he knows about basketball. They loved to play together. I just prayed Jasper never told Gabe how casually he felt about sex, because Gabe really looked up to him.

"Do you think Jasper told Gabe about his views on sex?" I asked her.

"No not at all. Jasper would never glamorize meaningless sex to Gabe. I am pretty sure he promotes abstinence to his girls! I think Gabe is just rebelling, I guess he is a lot like me in that way. He just tested his boundaries and now he has a huge price to pay," she sighed. "What did Rose and Emmett say?" She asked me cautiously, because we were all honestly thrilled that Naomi and Gabe began dating.

"That they don't want her seeing Gabe. I mean do you blame them?" I asked her.

"Nope, it's just one more of his consequences." Bella said. "I learned a long time ago that life isn't easy or fair. But that there is a plan and it isn't always clear or what we hope for but if we have faith, it will all work out. God doesn't give us more then we can handle."

"We can handle this? Gabe, he can handle this?" I asked.

"I have no doubts about that." Bella smiled at me.

"Ready for bed?" I asked her. She nodded at me and I led her up the stairs.

Even after sixteen years, I still couldn't wait to make love to my wife. Every time felt like the first.

**BPOV**

Is rebellious behavior genetic? I believe Gabe inherited his behavior from me. I did everything Renee didn't for my children. I told them everyday how much I loved and valued them. How did Gabe end up so much like me?

"Talk to me Gabe," I said sitting on the corner of his bed the next morning.

"I'm not going to church," he said.

"Fine, have I ever made you go? I'll stay home with you," I said. Maybe that was what Edward and I did wrong, but I was adamant that they go to church because they wanted to, not because we made them. "Why did you go before?" I asked.

He looked at me like I was an idiot. "Oh," I said as realization dawned on me. He went for the same reasons I let Renee drag me. "I use to have sex…really casual unhealthy sex. I probably should have told you. It almost ruined my friendship with Jasper and Alice. It could have easily tainted my relationship with your father had he not always been understanding. We aren't mad at you. Pastor Peter…he isn't mad at you. We are disappointed in both you and Evie. We are disappointed in ourselves…how long have you been having sex?" I dared to ask.

"I started two years ago," he said. Fourteen? Good god. I swallowed back my shock, I wanted him to talk to me, I didn't want to be judgmental. "It started at that camp you sent me to two years ago," he began, and for some reason all I could hear in my mind was 'and one time, at band camp,'

"Naomi…she told me and Liam that whoever could fu-sleep with Reverend Tyler's daughter, Tori first, she would have sex with the winner, so I took the challenge and won…and Naomi kept her word. If you rat her out to Emmett or Rose I will never forgive you." He said.

"You kids are treating sex like it's a game! Is it still a game to you now? "

"No," he said looking into his lap. "Now Naomi can't be left alone in the same room as me, according to Emmett." he said sadly.

"Baby, you can't sleep with your friends while they are still just your friends!" I thought it was time I was honest with him, so I owned up to everything I did at his age. I felt like I should have told him earlier and maybe then he would not have made the same mistakes.

"You will be fine, everything will work out." I told him as I hugged him.

"Naomi's gonna hate me."

"She might be mad, but you guys made your bed, time to sleep in it. If you two are meant to be together you will be."

Edward knocked softly on the door as I hugged Gabe again, "No church today?" He asked.

"Not today," I said standing to my feet.

"I'm sorry I disappointed you," Gabe said to us.

"Gabe, we all make mistakes. Consider every mistake you made an asset. If you learn from this, I couldn't ask for more. Just do what is right now. The worst thing you can do now is ignore it. We love you. We are here for you."

"What did Evie say?" I asked.

"Um…not much. She hates me."

"Make her not hate you…good place to start, she's going to be a in your life for the long haul," Edward told him.

"I'll try," Gabe said.

How come I knew he was lying? He was relaying on her making it hard on him, give him an easy escape. I shook my head, not if I have anything to say about it.

I knew we had a tough road ahead of us.

I wanted a perfect ending, now I've learned the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle or end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.

As long as I had Edward, I had everything I needed.

So sequel about Gabe let me know if you are interested. I have a chapter or two written, if you want review and I will send a snippet of it.


	42. Outtake 1 Live Like You Are Dying

**Gonna thank SM for creating these characters that she lets us have so much fun playing with! She owns them and should be beyond proud! **

**Going to Thank NJNYTwiGals along with the NY/NJ Twimoms for supporting me! All the people in The Sandbox for taking me in and helping me! Keepingupwiththekids for putting up with my preps and misplaced comma's and messy chapters I sent altered. **

**I'mwiththevampires08 and Dolphin for all the support and encouragement, and Pic's Coroner, and Fornication Station for the Blog Shout outs! THANK YOU!!! **

**AND for everyone that ever reviewed, something good, bad, constructive, supportive, and just plain ****J****! I cherish each and every one and got giddy every time a review showed up in my inbox! **

Live Like Your Dying

Finally, two and a half years, no more diapers. Gabe was potty trained. Bella kept saying boys took longer to potty train and boy was she right. I emptied the small green potty that sat outside the bathroom once Gabe had finished his business like a big boy.

"Awww, he isn't a baby anymore, I'm gonna miss having a baby around, aren't you?" Bella asked as I flushed the toilet.

"Sure am," I said messing up the top of Gabe's hair.

"Watch Egg-o!?" Gabe asked excitedly.

"Let's go put on Diego," I said scooping him up. I placed him on the couch and turned on his favorite cartoon. I kissed his head and went to help Bella fold some laundry in our bedroom.

I made may way into my bedroom where Bella was and couldn't help but to notice how low her sweatpants hung from her hips, a piece of her pink thong was sticking out slightly. I wrapped my arms around her waist from behind and kissed her neck as she folded a pair of toddler underwear.

"I thought you were here to help?" She said pressing against my hardness.

"I am," I said pushing some of the laundry out of the way before pushing Bella's body against the bed face down.

"What about Gabe?" She asked as I pulled down her sweat pants.

"He is fine, watching Diego, we have like twenty-five minutes, plenty of time." I lifted Bella's hips from the mattress and watched her slumped over on all fours waiting for me.

I stood quickly and swung the bedroom door shut before returning to Bella who was stroking herself, waiting for me. I slipped down my own sweatpants then I reached for the nightstand to grab a condom.

"Don't," Bella said looking back at me. She sat up straight on her knees and made her way over to me. "Let's try for another baby," she whispered against my lips.

Another baby? Another high-risk pregnancy? No thank you. I closed my eyes, images of Bella's blood being spilled flashed through my mind. "No." I said.

I opened my eyes when I felt Bella's hands on my face, the look of disappointment clearly exposed on her features.

"What? Why not?" She asked stunned.

"I'm not going to put your life at risk again," I told her.

"I want another baby, the doctors said the odds were that it wouldn't happen again! I want to try again, please!"

"Bella do you know what it was like in that observation room? It was like a war zone. Blood was pouring out of you, your hands were cold…they cut through your placenta to get to Gabe…for five days I didn't know whether or not I would ever see you again. I am not going to take that chance again. I'm not going to re-live that." Bella swatted a tear away, got off the bed, pulled her pants back up and began folding clothes again.

"You are mad?" I asked dressing myself.

"Disappointed," she stated simply.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. I hated to disappoint her. "Aren't you scared?" I asked her.

"Yes," she said finally looking at me. "I'm scared that I am going to miss out on shit because I am too afraid to take a chance. Because you are too afraid to take a chance. I don't want to live my life in fear. I don't want to make huge life decisions based on fear. If it is my time to go, it is my time to go. If I get pregnant and die during childbirth because that is God's plan, or if I don't have another baby and walk out that front door and get hit by a bus! It's already written when I die, right? In some huge master plan, so I don't want to miss anything because you feel like by not getting me pregnant ever again you can somehow cheat God's plan for my life. I don't want to not do something because something bad might happen. I want to feel a baby grow inside me again, I want Gabe to have a brother or sister that looks up to him. I want to put pigtails in our daughter's hair, or watch Gabe teach his little brother how to throw a ball. And I am scared, but not of dying. Nothing you or me do is going to keep that from happening when it's His will. I am scared that I am going to miss all of that because of some notion you have that because you say no, you save my life. You don't even know that it needs to be saved from that! I don't know what will happen…I just know I want another baby. I just wish you did." She said looking back down at the pile of laundry. She didn't bother to wipe the tears that fell anymore.

I moved my hand through my hair, I couldn't risk losing her.

"Your life means more to me than that, to just gamble it away…take a chance. You are asking me to take a chance with your life! That is a big deal! It means more to Gabe to have a mother than having a brother or sister, he needs his mother more than that. I need his mother more than that. We could adopt…" I suggested.

"Edward, I want to create a new life _WITH_ you, _FROM_ you…I don't know. Pray about it, just don't automatically say no to it. Think about it…for me?"

I let out a sigh and nodded at her in agreement.

Weeks passed, she didn't say anything or ask, but the yearning was evident in everything she did.

"Jasper called…said you haven't returned his calls lately…" I told her.

"I haven't really been in the mood to hear about Lola," she told me.

"Is this how you are going to act? I don't want to lose you and what? You're just going to hold it against me for the rest of our lives?" I asked. "Because I lose either way! Is that how much it means to you? You would let yourself resent me and eat away at our marriage because I don't want you to risk your life?" I said as anger filled me.

"I am already dying Edward! Everyday I get closer to death. We are all actively dying! I would at least like the chance to live, and part of what I want to live is kids! Because that love…it's the best love in the world, and I don't want to be denied it because my first pregnancy didn't go so well," she yelled at me.

"I can't do this now Bella, I have a meeting with a new band, please I didn't say no yet," I tried to appease her.

"Whatever Edward, just go." She said walking away.

"I love you," I called after her.

Silence.

She was pissed. Whenever she was upset, she got a huge chip on her shoulder and she didn't try to hide it.

I had started my own Christian Recording Label since becoming so successful with my second CD, and later with the song Bella wrote. That song even made it on mainstream radio. Even though she refused to sing it, it was all her.

Every now and then she would write something amazing, and I would either record it myself or file it away for a new artist.

I was meeting with a band called The Word, I thought they had potential. I had Emmett write up a contract for them so if we decided to give them a deal, we had everything ready.

I was listening to them play and they were good…it was just not the best song.

"Who writes your songs?" I interrupted through the glass.

"We mostly do covers…we aren't the best at writing lyrics," the singer told me.

"Hold on." I said retreating back in my office. I pulled open a filing cabinet and searched through songs I had that no one had recorded yet. The lead singer had a great ability to sing fast, so I needed something that could be upbeat.

I came to a song that was neatly written in bubbly print on a piece of notebook paper. I didn't really remember it, and most of them were nicely typed up with chords or keys.

_Sometimes we fall down and can't get back up_

_we're hiding behind skin that's too tough_

_how come we don't say I love you enough_

_till it's too late, it's not too late_

_Our hearts are hungry for a food that won't come_

_we could make a feast from these crumbs_

_and we're all staring down the barrel of a gun_

_so if your life flashed before you what would you wish you would've done_

_Yeah... gotta start lookin at the hand of the time we've been given here_

_this is all we got and we gotta start livin itevery second counts on a clock that's tickin'_

_gotta live like we're dying_

_Yeah we got 86400 seconds in a day to turn it all around or throw it all away_

_we gotta tell 'em that we love 'em while we got the chance to say gotta live like we're dying_

_And if your plane fell out of the skies_

_who would you call with your last goodbye_

_should be so careful who we live fall out our lives_

_so when we long for absolution there'll be no one on the line_

_Yeah... gotta startlookin at the hand of the time we've been given here_

_this is all we got and we gotta start livin' it_

_every second counts on a clock that's tickin'gotta live like we're dying_

_We only got 86400 seconds in a day to turn it all around or throw it all away _

_we gotta tell 'em that we love 'em while we got the chance to say_

_gotta live like we're dying_

_Like we're dying oh-- like we're dying_

_We only got 86400 seconds in a day to turn it all around or throw it all away _

_we gotta tell 'em that we love 'em while we got the chance to say_

_gotta live -- like we're dying_

_You never know a good thing till it's gone_

_you never see a crash until it's head on_

_all these people right when we're dead wrong_

_you never know a good thing till it's gone_

Perfect, I thought coming to the end. Where the heck did it come from though…? If they used it, I needed to credit the writer. I flipped the paper around and there it was, Bella Cullen, dated almost three years ago…right around the time she was on bed rest.

"Alright guys…My Angel had something tucked away for you," I said with a smile. I guess God had it tucked away for me as well. "I'll give you an hour to turn it into a hit, if you do, it's yours along with a record deal." I handed them the notebook paper and walked out.

I sat down behind my desk and called my wife. "Bella, I need to tell you some things," I began. "First, I love you, I would love nothing more than to create a new life with you, I have faith that God will not let us fall," I told her. "So, be ready to start trying tonight my wise stubborn girl."

**Hope you enjoyed a little sneak peak at Bella and Edward's life. I am willing to write more outtakes if someone inspires me with an idea. Reviews make me happy! AND the sequel is up on my profile if you want to go give it a chance! Think Cruel Intentions meets Dawson's Creek, those are the two things I have drawn inspiration from so far for the next generation of Cullen's, Hale's, and McCarty's! **

**It's been a GREAT experience and I learned a lot I grew as a writer, and I enjoyed every minute of this story and these characters! **


	43. Outtake 2 Home

**SM owns not me. **

**Umm..I didn't really have anyone to beta this. So please excuse any mistakes, if you see them PM and let me know, I will fix it. **

**I never wrote this way before. It may sound weird, I was just trying to capture Edwards state of mind. **

**I started a new story. I am nuts. It's called Collide, and I would really be honored if you gave it a read and gave me some feedback. Look for it on my Profile. **

**Ahhh..Enjoy this little outtake, if you can think of something you want to see in E and B's life – please ask, I love these two. **

Another airport. Memphis No. Nashville. Another moment spent in front of the luggage conveyer belt. Glance at my cell phone for the time. Its the tenth time in five minutes. Ah, my duffel bag, and guitar. Grab it and run for the awaiting car.

_I just want to go home._

People help me load my stuff in the black Lincoln. I smile to be polite. It's not sincere. I am exhausted. I slump into the backseat. I pull out my cell phone. Too tired to speak. I text. She deserves more then that. But my words are so flat. _In Nashville. Miss you. Kiss the baby for me. Call you tonight to say goodnight. Love you. E. _

_Just want to go home._

I slip the phone in my front pocket. I close my eyes. "Almost at the studio Mr. Cullen." The voice from the front seat awakens me. I wasn't really asleep. I was home. I was seeing her face. His face. Smiles. Hugs. Kisses. It is over too soon. I climb out of the car. I smile. I wave. Camera's flash. Hands reach out. I sign some CD's. I pose for some pictures. I am surrounded by people. I feel so alone.

_Want to go home. _

A man approaches. I can't tell you much more about him. I don't really care.

"Mr. Cullen, so glad you are here!" He greets me with excitement. I better step up my game. I'm lucky. I know.

_I just want to go home. _

Smile. Show teeth. Shake hand. Be firm.

"Call me Edward." I can't believe I muster up the enthusiasm. It's like I just stepped inside someone else. My outside appearance is much more together then my inner angst. I miss my wife. I miss my son.

_Just want to go home._

They usher me out to a couch in a bright studio. I sink into the cushions. A girl straps a mic on me. Jan Crouch is going to interview me. She is like Dolly Parton's twin. It's scary how much plastic surgery she has had. My mother in law is looking forward to this interview. She lives and breathes for TBN.

_Want to go home_.

Jan approaches. Shakes my hand. I feel like I am coming across normal. Not like some depressed artist. She takes a seat. They add another layer of makeup. I smirk. It's sincere. Bella makes fun of her makeup. God, I miss Bella.

"Ready in, five, four, " and the man motions the last three numbers.

"We are here tonight with the talented Edward Cullen. His Sophomore album, _Mighty To Save _hit stores this month and took the billboards Christian top forty by storm. It debuted at number one and has held that spot for the past two weeks. Edward, could you please tell us the inspiration for this album?"

Bella.

"I started writing the songs after I met my wife. She has been my inspiration. She has taught me so much about my faith, and about forgiveness. It was a very confusing situation when we first met. I used my music to help, and to sort through all the ways I felt like I was being pulled."

"Can you share with the viewers how you met your wife?"

"Uh, I met her when she started attending the church I lead worship at."

"Now, she was in high school at the time correct? And you were the youth group leader, I assume that is the situation that had you confused."

"It was very...scary. I felt a connection to her immediately. I couldn't deny her. I didn't know how to be with her. I guess that is when I wrote _I Still Believe_. I had so many unanswered questions. I didn't see what the Lord was preparing for me. I just knew Bella and I had a very rough road to face. I knew I would give up everything I worked for to have her by my side. So I began to walk by faith, trusting that God placed her in my life for a reason."

"It's almost as if we can see the progression of your relationship through the album. Is it safe to make this assumption?"

"Yes. It wasn't easy being with Bella. She is very caring and loyal. But when we began dating she wasn't exactly an Angel." I laughed. It was genuine. It felt odd to talk about my personal life so freely. But we had nothing to hide. "Of course, she has always been an Angel to me. It wasn't without difficulty to deny her eagerness to be more physical. Over time, I do think she began to see how important it was for me to wait. That was about the time I wrote _Lifesong_."

"Tell us about the time in your life that you wrote Grace. It is a very powerful, song. Listening you can feel just how lost you felt."

"I was raised a good christian boy. I knew I was not perfect, but I think deep down I thought I was better then other people because I hadn't given in to many temptations. After three months away from her, I lost control. I thought I wasn't worthy. I thought surely God would forsake me. Not only because I had premarital sex, but also because I enjoyed it. I thought at the time, that it was the biggest mistake of my life. I was wrong. The biggest mistake I ever made was leaving Bella. Not realizing that God still called me son, even though I fell."

"That is where the title track comes into play, _Mighty To Save. _This song was released as a single five months ago, and has quickly become a favorite worship song in many churches across the country. Something in this song spoke to you, what was it exactly?"

"It all began with a phrase I prayed over and over again, "_Let mercy fall on me," _for the mistake I had made. I didn't feel forgiveness from people at my church. I felt judged. I felt like everyone needed to be reminded that everyone everywhere deserved compassion."

"Is your Bella here today with you?"

Pain. I visibly winced at the reminder.

"No. She is at home with our son. Even the Lord had great plans. I no longer think back to that night as a mistake, we received Gabe. I wouldn't change a thing about that night. Gabe is a little over six months. Bella knows this is my dream, she has always believed in me. I am grateful to have a wife willing to be apart for weeks at a time while I work."

"What are your plans for the future?"

"Ah...I am working on another album with Bella. She refuses to sing, but she is an amazing song writer. It will be great to work with her."

"Stay tuned folks, Edward is going to perform his newest hit single for us after the break."

"annnnd we are out."

Jan made a joke. I didn't want to laugh, but I managed to go along with it.

"You miss your wife. I can see it."

"I just can't wait to get home." I smiled. I opened the guitar case. I pulled it over my shoulder. I made sure it was in tune. I played the song. It was easy enough, second nature. It was over. I had three more stops to make on my press tour. Back to the airport.

Another airplane. Another day melted away. The leaves were green when I left home. Now they are orange. Trees were becoming bare. The temperature was dropping. What I wouldn't give for a piece of warm pumpkin chess pie from Mrs. Wicks. How I missed Indiana. Bella. Gabe.

"When we get off this plane, I am getting on another one and going home,'" I told Emmett firmly. Thousands of pounds lifted from my shoulders. I didn't care if Emmett thought it was bad for business. I wasn't in a position to to be away from home for weeks at a time anymore.

Neither would he in three months. Rose and him were expecting a little girl. "Two, three days tops at a time. I refuse to be away from home like this again. I am useless, and I am miserable away from Bella and Gabe. That is where my heart is."

Surprise, surprise. Emmett didn't argue.

The plane landed in Atlanta. The airport wasn't as depressing as I made my way to get another plane ticket home.

I wasn't worried that Bella was struggling. Between my mother, her mother, and Rose she had plenty of help whenever she needed it. Rose and her had become close since Rose spent a large amount of time helping me with Gabe during his first few days of life.

I took a seat at the back of the plane with Emmett, and I couldn't erase the smile as the plane began to take off.

_I was going home._

BPOV

It's okay. I am okay. I can do this.

"WAAAA."

"Shhh baby," I bounced my little boy on my hip trying to calm him down. "Momma's here, I got you."

God this is so pointless.

"Tell me what you need baby, please."

Completely fucking pointless. He can't answer me, let alone understand what I am asking him. Gabe has been crying going on two hours straight. His diaper is dry, he has refused anymore bottles. He doesn't want to sit in his swing, or kick in his bouncy seat, he doesn't seem to care that I am holding him, walking him, bouncing him, rocking him in the glider; he just isn't pleased. And I have no clue what to do.

I took his temperature, I gave him Tylenol in case he is teething. I am at a loss.

Should I care that it is five in the morning and I haven't been to sleep going on thirty hours? I feel my patience slipping. I feel myself getting angry at myself for telling Edward he could go promote his new CD and tour. That I could handle everything fine on my own. Was I nuts? I am nuts. No. I am just young and stupid to think that I could handle a new baby on my own at nineteen.

I shouldn't have told Renee and Esme to leave. I thought I could handle my baby. I should have used there help more.

I should reach out for help. Really, I should. I can't do this, keep up this pace. I am ashamed to though. I don't want to look like a failure. I want to call Edward, but then he would just worry. If I call Renee she will just call Edward and tell him she told him he shouldn't go for so long. Esme is working at the hospital.

_Jasper... He is home for Thanksgiving. _

I only had four more days until Edward got home, but I couldn't handle one more minute like this.

"WAAA."

I shoosh the baby more as my shaky hand picks up the phone and I dial the familiar number to my best friend.

"Hello," a hoarse voice answers on the fourth ring.

"Jazz," I say feeling the tears well up in my eyes.

"B, what's wrong? Is everything okay?" he asks, and he sounds concerned.

I try to talk over Gabes cries. "I need help," I say spilling the tears down my cheeks. "I don't know what to do," I choke out.

"Bella are you hurt? Is Gabe hurt?" I hear him jumping around, probably getting dressed to come save me.

"No, no one is hurt," I tell him. I feel guilty asking for help. I should be able to handle this. "I just, I can't get him to stop crying. I am losing it. Please," I begin to ask him to come help me.

"I'm on my way B," the sound of a door closing confirms the fact the Jasper is coming.

Help is coming. I can't listen to him cry much longer. My legs feel weak, and my arms ache from holding him. I could collapse of exhaustion at any minute. I remind myself it's only a matter of minutes before Jasper comes.

I shift Gabe to my other hip and go unlock and open the front door. Jasper can't get here soon enough. I pace and bounce waiting for help.

I hear the door close and turn to see Jasper, still in his pajamas; sweat pants, white t-shirt, and he must have just thrown on a pair of flip flops. He has to be freezing. I look down at myself. I should have gotten a bit more decent since Jasper was coming over.

Edwards flannel button down and panties wasn't really something I should wear when I have guests over. Oh well, too late now.

"I'm sorry Jazz," I start to say, trying to apologize for waking him and making him come out to help me.

"Don't be, let me have the little dude," he says, and I gladly hand over the wailing child. The child that has had me upset for hours. The one who has me convinced that I am a failure as a mother. Jasper takes Gabe in his arms and soothes out his thin layer of his golden brown hair. "B, go lay down, get some rest. I got this."

And he does. Gabes wailing has turned into whimpers. "Thanks Jasper," I drag my feet into the bedroom and climb into the lonely bed. I miss Edward. I don't want to be alone in the bed any longer.

Sleep overtook me quickly, not giving me much time to ponder his absence. How it is everywhere. Swallows me.

I woke up to my prayers being answered. Edward was home. He tenderly kissed my forehead, pushing the hair off my brow. I thought it was a cruel dream.

"Edward? Is that really you?" I asked, I couldn't take the disappointment if it turned out to be a dream.

"Sure is," he smiled at me.

_God, I missed that smile._

I reached up clung to his neck, pulling him on top of me. It was really him. He was really home. Edward laughed, and I cried. I was so overwhelmed with everything. It was a moment were the only logical thing to do was cry. No smile, or frown, or scowl of frustration could convey the emotion behind the tears.

"So, Jasper is asleep on the couch with Gabe," Edward told me, kissing my neck.

"It was a rough night, I called Jasper to come help, I didn't know what else to do. I'm sorry," I told him. I didn't want him to be mad at me or think I was a bad mother.

"Don't be sorry. Don't ever be afraid to ask for help. I won't ever leave for that long again, I promise. It's not worth it."

"I'm just so happy your home," I told him.

"It's the only place in the world I want to be."

Thank God, Edward is _home_.

**Please Review. It means a ton. **


	44. Outtake 3 Owned By Edward

**SM owns not me. **

**Thanks to OwnedByTwins for the beta – even though PT is kicking your ass! **

**Heres a little special something something for those missing E and B. It's actually Chapter 12 of the "sequel' which I really shouldn't call a sequel, it's more of a spin-off. And this is the only chapter featuring E&B so much, so I thought I would share it for those not reading Look Before You Fall, I think it works as an outtake of the future. **

Bella POV

I found myself feeling sad and sorry for my son. I didn't want him to deal with this type of hurt and pain at such a young age. Then I began to feel guilty. Jasper and Alice had a very sick daughter, one that could very well...die. I had to swallow that horrible word back.

Alice was always smiling to hide her sadness, her fear. She said she had to be strong and positive - that someone in the family had to be. Jasper held it together for Lola and Alice, but he couldn't keep his composure when he was with me. Alice knew he was weaker, that he wasn't as strong as he pretended to be when he was with her. He needed to believe that he was fooling them, though, so she didn't let on that she knew.

I walked into my husband's office, still shocked by how beautiful he was. Age was had been kind to him. People would often mistakenly think he was in his early thirties to this day. To me, he had never aged past twenty-four.

To think that a few weeks ago we were fighting over a new life our son had made. Sure, it wasn't the perfect situation, but it wasn't a death sentence either.

Edward looked up at me as he rolled back in his chair, extending his arm to me, letting me know I could come and rest on his lap. I sunk into him. My head rested on his shoulder as my fingers toyed with the hair at the nape of his neck.

"Are you okay?" he asked, placing a kiss on my head.

"No," I said simply. I didn't need to explain it to Edward. He just knew.

I sat in his loving arms as guilt and sadness moved through my body in waves. I was silent until I thought of something to say; it was something Edward might want to know about.

"Alice told Lola it would be okay. They would get the best of the best to care for her. You know what Lo told her?" I asked, looking into his green eyes.

"Huh?" he responded.

"Money didn't save her Pop-Pop Hale. Money wouldn't save her. She said she wasn't crying, or angry when she said it. Alice said her tone was cool, calm, matter of fact."

"Poor Gabe," Edward spoke the words I felt too guilty to say out loud.

"He loves her. He loves her like you love me. It won't be easy for him. I think he is handling it great. I just hope he doesn't get too angry over it. I know what anger can do to a person. I don't want that to happen to him. Not when he has a baby on the way. Something so great... I don't want him to miss out on that joy," I let it spill out.

"He won't leave her. If he loves her like I love you, he won't leave. And he will get angry. I would be angry. As if he didn't question God enough, now he has this life lesson to learn - that God lets bad things happen to good people. I think it would be good to let him know that God also lets good things happen to bad people. That it's part of life."

"Edward, if she dies..." I began.

"Stop, don't think like that," he stopped me.

"It...It would just kill Gabe. It would kill Jasper and Alice." Bella thought back to the day Jasper came over to tell her about Lola. It was a day she would never forget. So much that Jasper had been holding in had come pouring out.

_He just broke down, crying __in__ as she held him. She smoothed his hair, which he was still wearing long then. Bella let his body rest against hers as they sat on the couch, sobs rocking through him._

"_B," he began. "My life is a fucking mess. Alice didn't leave to go to LA just to do that show, she went because we were separating," Jasper cried. I was shocked._

"_What? Why wouldn't you tell me?" I demanded, as I kept soothing his dirty blonde hair. That is when it happened. Something that hadn't happened in over seventeen years. He kissed me. He grabbed my face and kissed me, and it was...nice. Familiar. His tongue tasted the same. It felt the same. And I let it go on much longer then I should have._

"_Stop," I said, pushing him back. "I love Edward. Why would you do that?" I asked._

"_She got sick of never measuring up," Jasper began. He paused for a second before hesitantly finishing his sentence, "to you," he finally said. "That's why she was leaving me, well, until Lola got sick. Now, she doesn't want to cause her more stress."_

"_What?" I asked. Jasper had gotten over me years ago, in high school. "Jasper she must be...I don't know… but those issues were resolved years ago," I told him._

"_Maybe for you, and for your sake I let you think they were for me, but Alice saw through it all along. She hoped in time and with enough love, I would move on...but I haven't. I'm sorry, Bella. I shouldn't be telling you this at all," Jasper said. "But my daughter has cancer and your son loves her. And my wife is done trying to be enough for me. My life is a fucking mess," he repeated._

"_I don't know what you want me to say, Jasper! I don't know how to respond to this again! I am older and a little wiser, but I feel like I am in high school all over again!" I told him. _

"_I know! I am sorry! I shouldn't have come here," he said._

"_No! You can always come here!" I told him. Was I being selfish by holding onto him? Was I selfish all those times I called him and took him away from Alice because I was having a breakdown when __Edward was gone? Was it wrong of me to depend on him so much all these years? Selfish of me? But I wouldn't let him go._

"Angel, what are you thinking about?" Edward asked, pulling me from the memory.

"I kept something from you," I began to tell him. "When Jasper found out about Lola, he came over. He told me some things he had been keeping from me...Alice and him were about to get divorced when they found out Lo was sick," I began. Edward's eyes got wide.

"Wow, I had no idea," he said.

"Well, the reason is," I swallowed back, hoping Edward would understand. "Me," I finished saying meekly.

Edward's eyebrows arched as he pushed me off his lap. "YOU?" he demanded standing up.

I went to him and started to place my hands on his chest in an attempt to calm him down. "Edward!" I said, trying to bring him back down to my level. "Jasper just said he never got over me, and he kissed me! And I told him I loved you and nothing had changed for me! Please, I love you!" I told him.

"He kissed you? When?" Edward demanded, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Last week," I told him.

"LAST WEEK?" Edward boomed. "And you're just saying something now? Why is that?" he asked.

"I don't know! Because I wanted to protect him! He has had enough pain and suffering and I didn't want to put a strain on things for him. Please, Edward, he is so lost right now!"

"Right, he wasn't lost three months ago when his wife figured out he would forever hold a torch for you! What? I mean, is he just going to spend his life waiting in the wings for you?" Edward asked.

"Edward, I don't know! I am happily married and my best friend is hurting, but you come first, and I just wasn't sure what to do!" I told him.

"I just...need some time Bella."

"I understand, I didn't mean to keep it from you, please." I begged. I hated it when he was mad at me. I hated when I had given him an actual reasons to be mad at me.

I walked to him slowly and gave him my signature pout face. "I love you, only you; it will always be you," I told him, sliding my hands down his chest. I reached the button on his jeans and began to undo it.

"Yeah, well, your best friend that you used to have sex with tells you he still loves you and kisses you… I get a bit upset about that," Edward said, allowing me to undo his pants.

"There is only one man I want. Ever," I told him, dropping to my knees. I released him from his boxer briefs and eagerly began to suck on his dick.

His hand was in my hair as my head bobbed back and forth on his sweet cock. I swirled my tongue around the head, before Edward yanked pulled me roughly to my feet.

"You are mine," he said, yanking down my yoga pants. He pushed me over the front of his desk and spread my legs, as he entered me just as quickly as I had put him in my mouth.

He fucked me hard and fast, as he repeatedly told me I was his. His hand pulled my hair back as he demanded, "Say it."

"I'm yours," I said, as he pulled my hair harder, causing me to grunt. He finally let my hair fall as he held my hips, slamming in and out of me. I reached down to flick my clit as he slid in and out of my slick center.

"I love you," I told him as I rested my head on his desk, savoring the rough way he was handling me.

"Who makes you come?" Edward demanded.

"Only you," I told him as I felt him slip out of me. He turned me around and lifted me onto the desk. The wood was cold against my bare ass as Edward pushed his papers to the ground before laying me down on his newly clear desk.

He lifted my legs to his shoulders and brought my ass to the edge of the desk. He slipped inside me more gently this time as he palmed my covered breasts. He slowly moved his hand down my stomach until he could take over stimulating my clit.

Neither of us lasted much longer. He exploded inside me with a loud grunt as I bit down on my sleeve in an attempt to muffle the scream.

"I forgive him for coveting my wife," Edward said, helping me up.

"Cause that's what we do, forgive. It's the right thing," I smiled.

"I love you," Edward told me, with a kiss.

"I know," I told him, with a satisfied smirk. I got dressed and made my way out of the office and into the kitchen where Gabe sat picking apart a sandwich.

"You gonna eat that or just tear it apart?" I asked.

"Lost my appetite after hearing the show you and Dad put on. I mean come one can't you act like normal parents that don't have sex?" Gabe asked. Three months ago, I'd have been embarrassed by this, but now, given the fact that Gabe knew enough about sex to knock a girl up, I just laughed it off.

"Want to talk about Lo?" I asked.

Gabe looked up at me, his green eyes sad, longing for answers and solutions I could never provide. As his mother, though, I would try my best. "What's going on in that head of yours?" I asked.

"I love her, I've known it since the moment I kissed her, and maybe even before that, and as scary as it is, I don't want to deny it, I don't want to run from it, and I don't want to let it run from me," Gabe said. "But I am scared. If I lose her...I don't know..." Gabe trailed off mid sentence.

"I know, baby. I know," I said, trying to soothe him. I rubbed his back as I talked to him. "Falling in love, sharing your life with someone, giving your heart to another person to the extent that losing them could potentially destroy you - it's such a crazy thing to do. But we do it anyway. Because it's better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all, as cliché as that is, it's the truth." I told him. "Are you mad, though?" I asked. I didn't want to put that thought in his head, but I didn't want him to keep it to himself if he was.

"Beyond mad. Mad doesn't seem to sum up the anger I feel. I don't get it," he said.

"And we never will understand. We just have to live each day. I don't know what the future holds. I know a beautiful baby is coming, and Lola is going to have a hell of a fight, but all we can do is live in the present. I can't promise you that everything will be okay, because I don't know that. I don't really know what to say. Just promise me you won't let anger take your joy? Because it will rob you and Lola of anything happy, and that's what you both need to be embracing." I said, hugging him close. I wanted to cry for him. "And Dad had some good advice; God doesn't just let bad things happen to good people, he lets good things happen bad people too, ya know."

This was my son going through so much. It was too much for one person to bear. Renee's words rang true in my ears, "The Lord doesn't give us more then we can handle." They were words I had once rolled my eyes at. Gabe must be strong enough. Or he has one hell of a lesson to learn.

I just wanted him to learn one life lesson at a time. Wasn't becoming a father a big enough one? Now he has to deal with an illness that could be terminal. The doctors were not happy with Lola's CBC. She was very close to a blast stage, which would be hard for her to fight.

Even though Alice and Jasper were on the verge of divorce, they discussed creating a perfect match baby for Lola, since Jacey wasn't a match for her. Jasper said they could take her egg, his sperm, join them and then look at the ones that matched Lola's DNA the best and implant that one into Alice. It just seemed so....wrong. But they were looking into every option. And a perfect match stem cell donor was a great option. The doctors just weren't sure Lola would make it long enough with how unstable she was. And then Alice and Jasper would have a baby for all the wrong reasons.

To even think about how that baby would feel if he or she ever found out the reason they were brought into this world. As someone to 'use.' As much as I wanted Lola to have every chance to get better, I believed there was a line.

"You going to see her?" I asked him.

"Can't," Gabe said sadly. "She is too sick. Only Jasper and Alice are allowed in during her first round of chemo. But I have a phone date with her later tonight, that is, if she is well enough," Gabe explained.

I should have known. I should be more aware of what was going on with my best friend's daughter and my son's girlfriend. Honestly, I was so busy with Zoe and Jacey. Keeping them occupied. It was almost as if Jacey had moved back in.

"Do me a favor?" I asked.

"Huh?" Gabe said, looking up at me.

"I promised I would take Zoe and Jacey to the bowling alley - can you do it for me?" I asked. I didn't want him sulking around the house. I could tell by his face it was the last thing he wanted to do. "Please, Jacey could use something fun, and I can't do it."

"Whatever," Gabe relented. "I guess I could ask Evie to go or something," he suggested.

"That would be a good idea, except that's why I need you to go. Evie and I are going to do some work on the nursery for the baby," I told him, kissing his head. "Plus, I picked up some clothes for her - she told me her clothes were starting to get tight," I informed him.

I knew he talked to her everyday at school, and maintained a good relationship with her, but I also knew he didn't realize the extent to which Evie and I talked.

She was a smart girl. I was coming to love her like a daughter. She had a very good head on her shoulders. I loved how strong she was - how she had picked herself up, and didn't fall for Gabe's bullshit when he tried to restart a relationship. She was very independent. I admired that about her so much.

Her heart was broken from the death of her mother. She told me it had never healed, the hole was always there. She was resigned to the fact that it would never fill in, but she didn't want it too. She didn't want to forget how much she had loved her mother. Although the hole would always be there, she said it became easier to live with. Almost like a disability.

I was surprised when she told me about the crack Gabe had left. It wasn't quite as big, and didn't leave her feeling as empty, but it still scarred. I told her that once she held her baby, a new love would enter her heart. Maybe even heal it a little. She insisted, it would get better, but never fully heal.

I asked her if it was hard to see him with Lola. I was surprised when she said sometimes. But she knew he was happy, and Lola was good for him. She knew they were good together. That it was harder for her to see him be self destructive with Naomi. All she wanted was for him to be happy, and she hoped one day to find someone she loved as much as she had loved him.

Gabe left with Zoe and Jacey just as Evie came in. I hugged her closely, noticing the tiny bump.

"How are you feeling?" I asked her, leading her up to the soon to be nursery. We were both very anxious to fix it up, but we had about one month to go until her ultrasound.

"Good," she smiled.

"You are so lucky that you are having it so easy! I was so sick with Gabe," I told her, as I handed her the bag of clothes I had gotten from Bella Blu. "I hope you like it them. I searched online for trendy clothes," I told her. I didn't want her walking around high school in anything that resembled a moo-moo.

"This is great, Bella, way too much!" she said, looking at the receipt I hadn't meant to leave in the bag.

"Oops," I said, grabbing it from her hands. "You weren't supposed to see that," I told her.

"Bella, a hundred and twenty-nine dollar jean leggings? Really?" she asked. "I mean, I spent that much on my entire fall wardrobe."

"Look, I wanted to do it, okay? I enjoy shopping for other people," I told her. It felt good to be able to give her things. It had taken a very long time for me to appreciate gifts. It makes life much easier to say thank you and enjoy the gift, on me and Edward.

"Thank you, Bella," she told me.

"It was my pleasure," I told her. I wasn't exactly thrilled at the idea of becoming a grandmother at thirty-five, but I was happy. I insisted the baby never call me Grandma, or Mom-Mom, or Nanny. I was working on something cool, something young for the little one to call me and Edward. I was thinking something as simple as E and B. It would be so easy for him or her to learn to say.

Evie and I bonded some more while working on the nursery, before she left a few hours later. I always enjoyed her company. I almost wanted her to move in now rather than later. Her father loved her very much, but her step motherdidn't show much interest in her.

Over the next few days I thought more and more about names for grandparents. Gabe called my mom Renee. Just like me. Figures. Esme and Carlisle like to be called Nana and Grandpa. It was had been hard for Carlisle recently. He felt like maybe he hadn't been a big enough influence in Gabe and Naomi's life, and he was heartbroken over the mistakes they had made. He still loved them, and made sure he told them. They both knew they could ask him for anything, and go to him to talk whenever they wanted.

Edward did get made a bit mad when Carlisle suggested a more in depth conversation with Zoe about safe sex. It was actually a bit amusing.

"She is tweleve!" Edward's mouth practically fell to the ground in shock.

"And how old were Gabe and Naomi, Edward. Please don't be naïve," Carlisle rationalized with him.

"She is a good girl, she isn't as rebellious as Gabe and Naomi," Edward argued.

"Edward, no one had a clue about Naomi's behavior," Carlisle pointed out.

"She isn't going to have sex, okay? I know my daughter." Edward stated with certainty.

"Edward," I interjected, "I think we should," I said, siding with Reverend C.

"Bella, you think she would have sex?" Edward asked me, raising one eyebrow.

"I don't want to take the chance, Edward. It's like having a pool in your back yard...you can tell your kids not to swim it, you can even build a fence around it to try and keep them out, but if you know they can find a way into that pool, don't you think you should at least teach them how to swim?"

"You are crazy," Edward said, laughing at what I thought was a pretty serious little speech. Carlisle laughed at Edward. "Fine," Edward relented, pulling at his hair.

That night, as a united front, Edward and I entered Zoe's room.

"Zoe, your Mom and I want to talk to you about sex," Edward blurted out. Zoe's big brown eyes grew wide as she stared in shock at the man who last week could barely utter the word period to her; who in his nervousness forgot the name of pads and tampons.

"What about it?" she asked slowly. Her brown hair was pulled off her neck in a messy bun as she sat on the middle of her bed surrounded by homework, and a phone that seemed to buzz every few seconds.

"Well," I began, "Your father and I hope you choose to wait until you are married, but we want to make sure you know about all your options, to be safe," I explained.

"Like, if you do have sex, that you make sure you use protection, like a condom." Edward picked up where I left off.

"Oh," Zoe said. "I wouldn't make the same mistake as Gabe," she informed us.

"Zoe, what happened to Gabe was a mistake, people don't make mistakes on purpose," I told her. "But one day, if you find yourself ready, and in love, and want to have sex, I want you to know you can come talk to me or your dad."

"Yeah, I'd much rather have you come tell us you want condoms or birth control pills then tell us you're pregnant." Edward practically cringed as he spoke that sentence. I smiled a little at him trying to contain the giggles that threatened to spill out of my mouth. He just looked at me with his 'what the hell look'. He was so adorkable.

"Just make sure you are ready; it's a huge emotional commitment, and sex should be special. Your Dad and I aren't going to be mad if you are responsible and take the time to follow your heart," I said, pushing a piece of her golden brown hair behind her ear.

"I promise," Zoe said.

"Good, cause we just love you and want the best for you, baby," Edward said. He kissed her head, and messed up her hair, before I hugged her tight, telling her again that I loved her.

Edward and I left her room. "See that wasn't so bad was it?" I asked.

"Nope, she is a smart girl. That is my kid," Edward said, pointing back towards Zoe's room. "That one," Edward said, pointing at Gabe's room, "is yours."

I shook my head at my husband, not wanting to admit that he was right. Zoe probably would never hook up, or smoke pot. She was Daddy's girl through and through.

**So Reviews are always nice. I love them. **


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